March 2021 Well we took you to Stately Homes thread

[Sicario]

It's now March 2021, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Picking up from previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4030633-September-2020-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread?pg=40

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
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December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

"It's sad but the prospect of NEVER seeing them or NEVER talking to them again is incredibly distressing".

That's not your fault because its a situation they created of their own making. There has to come a time when you yourself say enough and no to being abused at their hands.

Its also incredibly distressing to you when they contact you via text and or use their trained flying monkey on you.

You cannot manage them and they cannot be tamed. You have to let go of any and all hopes here they will change and say sorry they have treated you this badly because they will not do so. They feel absolutely entitled to have treated you and your kids like this and they feel no remorse.

How was your period of no contact managed by you last time?. How did they worm their ways back into your life back then?.

Would you consider contacting BACP; I feel you would get further with them than the MHT.

What happened was I was married to a man who was highly controlling. I had a newborn and his family was controlling. All were abusive. He had hit me and then left.

They stopped talking to me but still sent gifts -but hadn't met youngest. I was low and they offered to meet me -at a neutral place and brought a gift it was nice. I was low. At the neutral venue -they offered me to come and stay and visit -7 years ago so I went home packed up and went to stay and stayed for a week. For 5-6 years things have been pretty good.But of course, I had my own house etc.and was 300 miles away. I'm really starting to think it's me and not them. I'm really really low today. Perhaps they are totally right and I wanted too much and they can't help me in the way I want. What happens if they are right?

Have looked at BCAP but it seems overwhelming. I'm in so much debt until my house completes in 2 weeks -it's just overwhelming. There are 40 counsellors around the area- how the hell do you pick one? What am I even looking for?

IIAP

Its not you, its them.

You did not want too much at all and its not your fault they are the ways they are. I daresay your parents have treated you very much in the same abusive ways they were treated as children. But its still no excuse or justification for their actions and choices. They had a choice when it came to you and they merely chose the same old low road.

You learnt a lot of damaging crap from your parents about relationships in childhood and you went onto marry an abusive man yourself. He was an extension of what you already knew. To your credit you've got away from him.

Now you need to fully extricate yourself from your parents as well. They targeted you and deliberately so when you were low offering gifts; its a very cynical way of making people co-operate. Gifts should also come with ribbons not strings and their gifts were also loaded with fear, obligation and guilt.

You absolutely need to put mental and physical distance between you and they now.

Re BACP I would suggest you read their descriptions carefully and choose three potential candidates. Treat this like a job interview because you're interviewing them. I would suggest you find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. You need to find someone who fits in with your approach; these people are like shoes and you really do need to find someone who fits.

Thank you for the posts. I'm just low and tearful today. A friend is coming at 5.30pm it is pouring with rain outside and cold. So I'm lying in bed and it's a netflix day -I feel tired. Very tired.
They are pretty much the only family we have and that makes me VERY VERY sad.

@openwaterswimming
Has your mother and my m-I-l aka The Hag been in training together? Those conversations are a carbon copy of the ones The Hag has with Mr Monkey. I used to deal with her (she had TEN weeks at our house: Covid recovery, flat building work and broken arm across 20/21 - a HIDEOUS experience which led to me getting counselling) I now leave shopping, medical appointments to MM and her slave (BIL) who’s had 20 years of it since she retired.

It’s ALWAYS ALL ABOUT THEM. @Sicario made a fab point about their behaviour cementing with age. Sooo true. Hag has always been vile: physically and emotionally abusive to her sons to the extent of trips to casualty.

So, the 17th dawned and she can now see slave son for the 7 days a week trip to supermarket. She bubbled with for us 14 long months and NEVER took MM up on the offer of taking her to Tesco. Instead she had us dropping shopping off for her.

I went off to Wales for work / see family and, apparently, she was as good as good: no whining, no emotional blackmail.

I arrived home yesterday and today lo and behold vile behaviour. Surely some coincidence. Massive kick off because MM was tired and couldn’t deal with her in a vile mood because she hadn’t eaten.
“So, you don’t want to come round and help me”
“That’s not what I said. I said have something to eat and then I’ll come round”.
“I don’t want anything”
“Just have a sandwich”
“I don’t want a sandwich”
“OK”
“You just don’t want to help your mother.”
“You want to start a row”
“Everyone starts a row with me”
ETC ETC ETC.
She puts the phone down.

MM gets upset. I talk to him for 15 minutes reminding him of all the things he and his brother do for the fucking witch. She will cast a shadow over his day.

He’s puzzled as to why she’s been nice all week and then not. He is spectacularly dim sometimes. Bless him.

If she was my mother I would have gone NC years ago.

I hate seeing him upset but ultimately it’s his mother. He’s got MILES better at standing up to her. She knows it’s my influence and dislikes me even more.

She now refuses to come to the odd Sunday lunch I cook for her (joy), I will not invite her for Christmas at my mum’s and if she ever gets ill again I will NOT have her here. I hope that bar taking her to the hairdresser every two months that the next time I see her is when she’s dead or packing her off to a care home and leaving my partner and his Stockholm Syndrome Dick of a Brother (I have less and less sympathy for someone who takes five calls a day and has let someone prevent him from a relationship, holidays, A LIFE over 20 years) to visit her.

These people are fucking toxic and the rage they feel is deliberately spilt over on to other people. It’s relentless. I’m sure many here see the nice behaviour to other people - neighbours, doctors, carers, some family - and the utter spite directed at you. They know how to behave but don’t.

Off to my mum’s for a six day holiday from Weds and I’m going to make damn sure that we go out for days out and the 6pm on the dot phone call is avoided snd we tell the utter fucking c**t what a lovely time we’re having.

Total poison.

So, we’ll either get the fake sorry act at 6pm or more spleen.

Going to lay some bets.

@Iamaperiwinkle it’s REALLY hard to get away from these people. Be kind to yourself. Pursue NHS MHT they can be good - they helped with my toxic mother in law. With private counsellors, if you can’t get NHS - choose ones near you (so no stress over getting there), pick three, you usually get half an hour to work out whether you like them and they can help you. They are duty bound to tell you whether they can support you with your issues. I’m a trained counsellor (nothing could help TheHag) so also look out fir people who know about narcissistic families snd support you rebuild your self-esteem. Good luck.

@Iamaperiwinkle sorry, FREE half an hour.

I know and I value your posts -ATM ATM's posts seem full of wisdom. But absolutely zero contact doesn't work for me -I tried in the past and it destroyed me and actually made me crave human affection -any affection and I got into stupid relationships with people who love bombed me and then abused me.

I am thinking of replying -I need to.
But I need help -I need it to be so simple.

Eg. Sorry for late reply, things have been a bit difficult. Hope you both well. Hope we can arrange something. Let me know. Text better as no internet where we are at the moment. IAAP.

Maybe direct to mother -as she is easier of the two?
Atilla I so appreciate your wisdom but NC is not right for me / us / I need to be able to handle them long term, we aren't living there but hopefully very very close, so dynamics need to change and be manageable-and I do think they are trying to reach out a bit -otherwise why contact direct?

Monkeyfrom I feel like The Hag's 'endgame' is to get rid of you so that she can capture her other son (your husband) and have him faithfully serve her (just like his poor bother does:( )

@EgoeswhereIgoes THAT is exactly her endgame. Thankfully, MM and I have a rock solid relationship. She hates her other sister in law.

She’s LOVED me being away. And then when I’m back the vileness starts. I’ve just realised that him not going round this afternoon has fucked her off because she thinks it’s down to me ‘stopping him’. 1) apart from her not upsetting him, I don’t care 2) and as I don’t have to go I really don’t care.

The row this afternoon was deliberate. She’s probably been dreading my RETURN all week. The return to my home and my partner. It’s an outburst based on that.

MM falls asleep on the sofa and i fall asleep upstairs. We were supposed to be getting a takeaway (she bribes us with £ for these as it’s an obvious symbol that she’s such a generous caring mother) MM makes himself sandwiches. I lose it as I feel he’s distracted because of yet another row with her. Our dinner with nice food - I really order EVERYTHING because she pays, it’s “takeaway” tax - isn’t going to happen. I say I’m sick of her effect on our lives and I really fucking hate her. He’s upset.

So, after vile row this afternoon she rings at 6pm and it’s contrite apology time. I bet on this being the outcome. So, she’s had THREE hours to apologise. But, no, she was waiting for MM to ring and beg her forgiveness. When he doesn’t, she has to enmesh him with an apology. The old MM would have apologised back but now doesn’t ever as he realises it’s her game and actually he’s not to blame. He keeps the call short.

The time away this week has made me resent her even more for the fucking games she plays. Thank GOD we’ve got six days away come Wednesday.

She would love nothing more than to split us up. Thank god I’m tough and can see her as the coercive narcissist she is. She’s exhausting but she’s never going to win at this game.

she’s never going to win at this game
It's clear from all your posts on here that she wont...trouble is she won't/can't stop trying to bring it about.
These types cause us all so much stress and grief:( but it's so hard to call out a parent, not to mention by the time you unpick the complex web that is woven around you, well by then the parent is too old, it's as if they design the trap to last just long enough that by the time you realize it's too late

@Iamaperiwinkle - You don’t have to think of it as NEVER having contact again. NEVER seeing them or speaking to them again. Try not to think of never, but rather as you having choice about when, if, or never.

So sorry you are feeling so low. It’s awful, and a horrible feeling. I suppose it’s a bit like going cold turkey, with all the associated shakes and visceral reactions to the removal of a habit that has totally done you in and nearly destroyed your life.

Take it one day at a time. You’re doing really well. Hang on in there and remember to breathe.

@MonkeyfromManchester - I expect The Hag has knitted a voodoo doll of you and is busily sticking pins in it. My MIL definitely has one of me.

@Sicario yeah, it will be stained wool, but the voodoo will be being knitted. She will have 1000s for SIL and me.

@EgoeswhereIgoes yes, she will never stop trying. Thank fuck, she's 84, and I met Mr Monkey in my mid-30s because dealing with this shit from, say, my late teens would have been hideous and I would have packed my bags. She is fucking horrible. How can you not want your child to meet someone and be happy? Class A Narc.

Strange thing.

When I got back from Wales last night, Mr Monkey said, “you’ve got to watch this Ian Wright documentary I watched whilst you were away”.

In my head: God, a programme about football.

After my losing it this afternoon, we had a chat, and I agreed to watch the programme. It wasn't football; it was ex-footballer and Match of the Day pundit Ian Wright talking about his traumatic and violent childhood. It was brilliant.

Mr Monkey: I realise I had a deeply traumatic childhood; I need therapy, will you help me find someone?

God, yes!

MM: It's been with me all my life, but the last two years of her being here off and on has made it worse.

If anyone has a partner who loves football and struggles with a terrible childhood, watch this with them.

It's going to be a long journey but it feels like a start.

How can you not want your child to meet someone and be happy
I think it's (in part) an inability to let go, she wants to be the most important person in her son's life (she wants her 2 sons to be substitute husbands to her) if anyone gets in her way she tries to eliminate them
grim:(

@EgoeswhereIgoes
It’s so screwed up. She was a witch to her husband and a witch to her sons, but, yes, it’s about being Number One and getting her uninterrupted Narc Supply. I’m so proud of MM as he sees what’s going on.

Hello, first-time stately homes poster (but mid-term lurker). I’d love your thoughts on my situation.
I’ve been going reduced contact with my parents for several years & after a disagreement last summer have been low contact (birthday/xmas cards only, their phone calls blocked but they have sent emails to me and dc). My reason for all this (which isn’t in anyway as bad as so many other posters here) is that due to their narcissistic tendencies, not respecting boundaries and constant disapproval and criticism. It got significantly worse after my first dc was born and whilst they see it as help, they have ignored all our requests in relation to how we parent our children and encouraged our dc to go against our wishes (this isn’t typical gp spoiling their gc), they do things that are no longer deemed ‘safe’ from when they parented and encouraging dc to keep secrets from us. I can’t speak to any of my dc in their presence without one or both of them talking over me or making negative comments/noises. Any attempt to ask them to respect our boundaries or do things differently has either been berated or a temporary being in their best behaviour (normally lasting a few hours max.).
They live about 4 hours from us and covid restrictions have been a blessing. I told them last summer that I wasn’t interested in meeting up once restrictions were lifted and we haven’t seen them for about 18 months.
Now they are emailing me saying that they have already booked a hotel local to us & want to meet me and to see my dc when they are not at school. This fills me with dread. I don’t want to see them & feel massively pressured. I also don’t want them around my dc because they will quiz them about every aspect of their lives and manipulate ways of getting involved with them. I feel awful writing all this and have always tried to make the relationship work for my dc to have a go relationship. I realise that their involvement is never going to be even a fraction of what I’d hope and don’t want them on the receiving end of their manipulation.
How do I tell them to leave us alone or am I being unreasonable?

Cola

They are attempting to hoover you back into their dysfunctional world via this email; "hoovering" is a common tactic employed by such people against their now adult children. They were not going to let go of you that easily but you must not fall for such attempts at hoovering.

Block ALL their ways of them being able to contact you and your children and send all their emails to spam. DO NOT REPLY to any of their emails, your children should not receive anything from your parents either. You do not have to respond to their summons and I would also suggest you find a therapist who could work with you
regarding narcissistic abuse and recovery.

These people were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not changed since your own childhood. It is NOT possible to have a relationship with people this disordered of thinking.

Remember too if they are too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, its actually the same deal for your children as well as you have subsequently found out. The fundamental nature of your malignantly narcissistic parent is the same as it was when you were a child (if not worse.) Due to no reason other than the fact that you brought a child into the world, your narcissist parent is now a narcissist grandparent. Your bringing new life into the world did not fundamentally change your abusive parent into a loving family member. Many adult children of narcissists seem to show a natural affinity for believing in this work of fiction (as you have done). We have always wanted our parent to be loving to us, and now we want our parent to be a loving grandparent. What we want and what we end up with are two very different things. Where we usually get tripped up is our failure to recognize the adaptability of the narcissist to changing circumstances.

The NPD grandparent will use their grandchildren in the same way they would use an inanimate tool. Without regard for the humanity of your child, that child becomes a tool in the hand of your NPD parent to hurt you. This will always result in moral and/or emotional harm being done to your children as well. Keep them as well as yourself well away from both your parents. Low contact as well often leads to no contact and I would adopt a non contact stance from now on. If the other set of grandparents are nice concentrate on them.

(which isn’t in anyway as bad as so many other posters here)
well you say that Cola but it looks pretty bad to me, they wont accept that you are an adult!!
Now they are emailing me saying that they have already booked a hotel local to us & want to meet me and to see my dc when they are not at school. This fills me with dread
I can relate to this...being imposed upon, presenting you with a fait accompli, they've prob only reserved the hotel (if anything) I'd ignore it or send a polite reply to the effect that you're not available, dont explain or justify anything, stick to a 'thanks but no thanks' format and shut them down.

I told them last summer that I wasn’t interested in meeting up once restrictions were lifted
I didnt read your post properly, sorry!
given this, it doesnt make sense to respond b/c that would be rewarding them for ignoring your boundary, so (as said) ignore and block them on everything would seem the best approach

Hi Cola and welcome.

We can all relate to your feelings of dread at the prospect of seeing family members you don't want to see. It's not their decision whether you see them. It's yours.

I figure from your post that you are currently LC and not NC. You could precis your above post into a simple I do not want to see you and and don't want you around my children, which is pretty much the long and short of the matter.

It's up to you whether you respond to their ultimatum email with that simple statement, or if you choose not to respond to them at all.

The most important thing is that you prioritise your own happiness and the happiness of your children. Don't let anything or anyone blow you off that course. You don't owe your family of origin anything.

@ColaRolaBalls this forum is brilliant for helping people with toxic families. Your folks are using your kids to undermine you because you’ve broken free.

Hag update.

Mr Monkey phones her at 6pm. He’s got to do some stuff for her tomorrow. Then the bombshell….not a total bomb as he’d shared the news before but it was ignored as it wasn’t about her - there’s a LOT of tuning out and selective hearing…

MM: so, we’re going to Monkey’s mum’s on Wednesday evening, we’re back on Tuesday.
Hag: that’s a week. Voice switches from Nice Hag to Nasty Hag.
MM: yep, it’ll be great. we’ve not seen Monkey’s mum at her house for over a year. Be great being in the country (subtext: drinking a shed of wine)
Hag: well, I think I’ll manage.
MM: You’ll be fine you’ve got xxx (the slave brother in law who is now like a total dick driving her to the supermarket**every day (just like the old days) since the Joyful Day of the 17th May dawned.

Phone call ends. I wait for the ring back. It arrives.

Hag: but who will do your lights?
MM: neighbour.
Hag in pathetic voice: but my medicine hasn’t arrived yet (on its juggernaut as she’s a complete hypochondriac)
MM: it arrives tomorrow.
Hag: what if it doesn’t arrive.
MM: I’ll phone and check. It’s never not arrived.
Hag: it’ll be my luck that it won’t.
MM: if it doesn’t I’ll get it for you or My Slave Brother can get it. But it will get delivered.

I don’t think the fucking thick Bitch EVER factored in that the reintroduction of her servant back into her life meant that we were going to leave the servant quarters such is her delusional self-entitled life in Narc World.

Doubtless, she’ll have some kind of meltdown on MM tomorrow. Wednesday will be shit. But by Weds eve we’ll be tipping Malbec down our necks with a normal OAP.

As I write, she’s probably thinking about how she can hurl herself around her slum to break her other Fucking arm.

Cunningly, I left the three times a day Carers in place as her arm began to heal. £1.46 a week for this insurance policy is worth its weight in gold. Social worker agreed. It’s ALWAYS going to be in place. She’s started to love the attention so why take it away? Lol.

Dealing with The Hag is like military strategy. Now I’ve taken a step back I can see it all and pre-empt most of it.

The words - it’ll be lovely for Monkey to see her mum, you two can really relax, what a treat, give my regards to Monkey’s mum* - were never uttered.

*who has done so much for her - shopping, medical appointments. My mum now doesn’t bother as she thinks Hag is selfish and rude and treats her sons appallingly.

Two more sleeps til our escape.

**Oddly enough, and I’m SURE this is completely coincidental the day she could be driven to the supermarket by Slave BIL (Monday) she no longer needed anyone, like Mr Monkey who was arranging her shopping, to carry her shopping up to her lair when she was ‘recovering’ from her broken arm. She is cured! She can carry! Must be a branch of fucking Lourdes in our local Lidl.

Sorry to go on but The Hag drives me fucking mad. Mr Monkey is on a massive deadline so I can’t scream.

He went over to The Hag’s lair this morning to get her a new mobile with him ringing EE.

He and his brother are now the de facto admin team. BIL has sorted her bills out since her retirement 20 years ago - possibly longer - and MM is now enmeshed doing hospital appointments and the phone. I do social workers (I want that under my control - lol) and hairdressers.

Funny that my granny, who was a housewife ALL HER LIFE and didn’t have much life experience beyond kids and housework, was able to manage all this into her 80s…

So, we’re going away for six days to my mum’s.
“That’s nearly a week”
“My phone won’t arrive til next week. I can’t cope without my phone.”
(She never goes anywhere on her own and has a landline.)
“How will I manage my shopping?”
(Slave Brother In Law is now back taking the witch out every day to the supermarket)
“What if I run out of food”
(Ditto)
“The chemist hasn’t dropped my medicine off”
(The doorbell goes at that moment)
“I’ll be on my own with no one to talk to”
(No, you ring the Slave up to eight times a day, ring and ring and ring if he doesn’t answer the phone immediately, rings us if he dares not answer so we can ring him - we don’t - insists that he talks to her from his sofa and not his desk as he’s more comfortable, he won’t fall ASLEEP - ffs - and can talk longer. All this because she’s worried about his disability. Nope, it’s control. She COULD ring her family but doesn’t. No one rings her because she’s a miserable bitch.)
“I can’t believe you’re leaving me on my own”.
(Yes we are)
“Well, I’m not invited then.”
(No, you are FUCKING not)
“I’m your mother”
(No, you’re some vile reptile who hatched from an egg)

I realise now that if she had her way - like she does with Slave BIL - we wouldn’t ever get holidays. He’s not had one in 20 years and is too frightened of her to have one. The more we’re enmeshed the more she doles out the same vile shit to us and has the expectation that we want no life.

Mr Monkey is dropping the bombshell this evening that he’s not going to ring her whilst we’re away. That’s going to go really NUCLEAR.

Not once did she thank him for sorting things out for her or wished us a nice time.

I’m almost tempted to take her to my mum’s as there’s a river nearby…

Thank you for listening.

Monkey - you rock. Sending MM a medal.

Thanks @Sicario she makes me want to cry but I’m over crying (she’s so spiteful) and she KNOWS I’m on to her and empowered MM into medal winning form. Thanks for all your support xxx