March 2021 Well we took you to Stately Homes thread

[Sicario]

It's now March 2021, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Picking up from previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4030633-September-2020-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread?pg=40

Forerunning threads:
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Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

[quote MonkeyfromManchester]@CeciledeVolanges total and absolute nightmare to grow up with that and still have it in your adulthood. Sounds like your dad is an OK guy who’s equally abused by your mum and is doing the “keeping the peace” routine. It never keeps the peace as it keeps the patterns going. I hope you DO get to speak to the police and you get a result.

Here, I’m absolutely starving and the Hag is on the phone berating Mr Monkey. He’s getting much better at “I have to go”. FFS.[/quote]
Thanks Monkey. It is quite literally a nightmare, even when I went NC and my mum was just emailing and messaging on all fronts I was having nightmares most nights about being trapped in places with her or similar things, sometimes involving my sister as well. I am trying to keep very straight in my head the difference between this rather horrible fantasy world/game controlled by my mother and the real world, which I'm sure has many features which are less than ideal, but at least my reality will be my reality and my triumphs and mistakes are my own.

Revised plan is that I go and stay in the other house for a week, return here for a week, then move from the long term with my stuff the week after that. I see enormous scope for things to go wrong still, and obviously my plan is to start looking for somewhere to move on to ASAP, but one step at a time. Just getting out of here and doing things myself feels like an extreme fantasy that will never be part of my life, but that sort of thinking has never got me very far in the past so I'm trying to focus on the next baby step.

Hi everyone, I’ve been guided this way from a recent thread I made about my mum. I’ve had a read through, gosh so much understanding good advice going on 😍.

I’m not really sure I ever thought I’d need to seek support in this way, it’s certainly only come to light recently since I’ve had DC actually how bad our relationship was and how she acts was affecting me. We’ve been NC for on 2 months now, aside from me explaining why I was NC to her. I’m just really struggling with it all to be honest, she keeps sending me texts asking to see photos of my DC, this week she’s bought DC Easter gifts and has posted them down. I haven’t answered, it’s just like a constant reminder in the background the texts keep rehashing why she’s right and why I’ve got it so wrong and everything I raised is misconstrued, it’s all my problem, not hers apparently. DP said to send the gifts back, I’m not sure I can do that, I can’t keep them though. I just wish she’d stop and listen to me for once!! Is it a good idea to send them back or just literally no contact? I don’t know.

There are so many things she has done, which now I’m a parent myself I see how absolutely outrageous they were like walloping my DB with an umbrella because he dared suggest he would rather be with his friends than come to a family meal or smashing a bowl full of soup against the wall because we said we didn’t like the taste but we’d eat it this time, we were/are walking on egg shells, it went from physically petrifying to emotionally petrifying as we grew. Lately she’s been secretly contacting my nearest and dearest (she lives 4 hours away) saying my mental health is deteriorating and that I’m making up that we have struggled with DC sometimes. Even taken to new lows and ridiculing my body after birth/BFing.

I feel like as I’m slipping away now she’s trying to taint how others view me, as one last attempt to paint herself in a good light. I realise I’ve been quite naive and even a doormat for lots of things in the past, making excuses for her and so on. How do you cope with a sudden realisation that your childhood wasn’t what you thought? I think I will definitely invest in some of these books listed in the OP. I haven’t lived with her since she up’d and left when I was 12, pushing 30 now. But she still seems to have this control and I don’t know why, I’m trying to shake it. I feel anxious about what the future holds, the last 2 months have been so peaceful in many ways though and I certainly can’t look back!

Sorry that’s so much longer than I thought, I just need to do this but I’m not sure I have the confidence in me. Well, I’ve made it to 2 months

I’m so sorry again, again - just had a very unpleasant conversation with my dad which has ended with me in tears - first he told me that I couldn’t look at him because I wanted to avoid things (I’m very probably autistic but nobody has formally tried me for it) and then just said over and over that it was my fault, I’m not free because of my victim mentality, I’ve trapped myself, it’s nothing to do with my mother and basically the entire problem is that I have drunk alcohol in the past. This is where I really feel true self-hatred and that I’m imagining everything. I regret what I said earlier. And what should I say to the police? Please fine me, I’m keeping myself trapped? And that I can’t report what I said I wanted to because I’m not allowed to say “she or her”?

@FTEngineerM congratulations on your two months! I can’t give great advice as struggling with my own phantasmagoria at the moment but keep your closest family close. It’s her, not you. One of my dearest friends reiterated to me recently that those who know you won’t believe their lies, and it’s true. She can’t pride away your dear friends and DP and children.

Hi Cecile (I am a long time poster who is just name changed) everything he said its all gobshiite, he's just trying to keep you under control so that he can cling onto whatever reality suits him best, you can report whatever you like he's just thinking about his narrow self-interest ...not wanting to be the one who gets the flak from your mother!

[quote CeciledeVolanges]@FTEngineerM congratulations on your two months! I can’t give great advice as struggling with my own phantasmagoria at the moment but keep your closest family close. It’s her, not you. One of my dearest friends reiterated to me recently that those who know you won’t believe their lies, and it’s true. She can’t pride away your dear friends and DP and children.[/quote]
Funny you should say that!!
I recently reconnected with a friend from childhood who knew my mother, she revealed that she was always terrified of my mother and that her family used to worry about me because my mother was so cruel.
I had no idea that other people saw her like that😳
I had even thought that if I told my friend that I am NC with mother she would think me the cruel one
Not a bit of it... evidently outsiders saw her for what she was, I was under the spell because I was in the inner circle ....which sounds like a privileged position but it most certainly ain't!

FTEngineerM

re your comment:-
" We’ve been NC for on 2 months now, aside from me explaining why I was NC to her. I’m just really struggling with it all to be honest, she keeps sending me texts asking to see photos of my DC, this week she’s bought DC Easter gifts and has posted them down. I haven’t answered, it’s just like a constant reminder in the background the texts keep rehashing why she’s right and why I’ve got it so wrong and everything I raised is misconstrued, it’s all my problem, not hers apparently. DP said to send the gifts back, I’m not sure I can do that, I can’t keep them though. I just wish she’d stop and listen to me for once!! Is it a good idea to send them back or just literally no contact? I don’t know".

Do NOT send the gifts (loaded with obligation) back but dispose of them by some other method. Do not give these any more power. Keep them out of sight until the charity shops reopen then take them there. Unfortunately your DPs suggestion is flawed because returning these is a response and that is what your mother wants from you; its the reward and she will know she has you then.

Block her from being able to contact you via your phone. Maintain radio silence re her; no contact is precisely that - there is no contact of any sort.

Hi Cecile

How is any of what has happened here to you your fault?. Its not you; its your parents and this is all on them.

Your dad is indeed a right old gobshite and weak bystander who is acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. The only person whose interests he is acting in are his own; he wants to continue to use you as a buffer between he and his abusive wife and for you to take the flak from her.

And it is not true you cannot use she/her re the police; who told you that?. Your dad?. Its all nonsense, of course you can and should report using such language.

I would also suggest that when you do leave there you never return, not even for a week. Going back will only set you back further.

Thank you @CeciledeVolanges I really want to continue on even through them anxieties around who will be contacted next. That’s lovely about keeping my family close, and true, they all told me she contacted them straight away there was no secrecy, they were the ones who I’d leant on when times got tough so they knew it wasn’t lies/what my mental state was like and how far I’ve come. I hope you fee better after a good rest last night. There is definitely a theme that comes from reading yours and others posts, it’s your fault this is happening when it isn’t, at all!!

@EgoeswhereIgoes thanks that gives me confidence that others probably saw it before me, and that you’re free of it now. My fathers family (her exH) certainly have said things over the years maybe in way to highlight but I just didn’t put the pieces together. Actually interesting point, my aunt once told me as a teenager than mum had sent them all letters trying to taint their view of my dad when she divorced him(!!) maybe I’m getting the modern day equivalent nearly 2 decades later.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I shall do just that, you’re right now I’ve thought about what you’ve said sending gifts back is a message in itself so I’ll halt. I won’t be fooled by her ‘kindness’ anymore, thank you.

Ah, sorry for my typo! It should say "prise" not "pride" obviously.

Some things are my fault - I've chosen in the past to deal with my feelings about the situation by hurting myself, with an eating disorder and then with alcohol more recently, so to that extent it's true. I've done loads of therapy but to be honest I don't just want to learn to tolerate this situation better. My dad was going on at me yesterday about how I don't seem to have a plan to go forward. Honestly my plan is to get out, extricate myself as far as possible and then sort my life out, but I can't say that because to my dad I neither can nor should cut contact with my mother.
It all feels very surreal. On the one hand I have my parents basically implying I'm incapable of doing anything and definitely saying I have to come straight back to their house if I ever drink again because it's good for me to be here, and on the other hand literally everyone else noticing that they have a terrible effect on me and encouraging me to get out as soon as possible.
I have no idea what to say to the police. When I think about what the actual situation is, I think maybe my dad is right, my main problems have been brought on myself and it is me. I had to discuss it with work and it sounds so ridiculous as a woman in my late twenties talking about minor bullying and control from my parents and the effect it has on me. At this point I might just turn up and say I've wildly exaggerated the situation and ask for an FPN for wasting their time (except I probably wouldn't be able to qualify professionally then).

Your dad does not want you to cut contact with his wife because there would be no one then between she and him. He is only acting I his self interest here, not yours. He will continue to throw you under the bus.

I like the sound of your plan to get out and extricate yourself and from that sort your life out. Rebuilding your life is certainly something you need to do for yourself.

It’s not you, it’s them.

And what you’ve described from your parents is not minor bullying and control. What they have shown you is abusive behaviour throughout, your mother took your bag and they’ve kept you under lock and key within their house.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

It’s not you, it’s them.

And what you’ve described from your parents is not minor bullying and control. What they have shown you is abusive behaviour throughout, your mother took your bag and they’ve kept you under lock and key within their house.

Which of course is a criminal offence. Reporting would at least bring them up sharp, that you are a person with human rights, not their possession. It would make the NC pretty easy. Part of the legal process would be a non mol, so they would risk arrest if they pester you in any way. Don't accept abuse merely because it doesn't come from a DP

Well, it's true that they do that, and they have done things like drag me around with enough force to leave finger shaped bruises, but they would say that's because I have been drinking. I don't know, I go both ways on it. I've been re-reading "Why Does He Do That" even if in my case it's a she not a he and what really rings true to me is the part about attitudes. My mother feels entitled to constant attention, people always being happy and keen to be around her, people to keep up conversation, people to comply with her testing of their love and devotion (which in my case was tested to destruction long ago), people to forget about her tantrums and bad behaviour without her having to apologise.
The thing about the gifts also rang true. When I went NC over the summer my birthday presents sat unopened for over a month. Gifts from this family always come with strings and expectations attached but I felt worse and worse that I would be blocking out family members who still sent me birthday cards and gifts.

Hi all, new to mumsnet and here for any reading advice you can point me in dealing with my narcissist sister but just a disclaimer I'm pretty sure it not as bad as others have experienced really.

Having a fair amount of issues with her currently as my mum looks after DD two days a week (thank heavens) and my sister has basically told me to put my DD in nursery for those days (she already goes in for the other three days) because she wants our DM to focus fully on her baby and she doesn't feel like she should to pay for any type of childcare.
She uses my pay, holidays getting my hair done as excuses that I can afford it. Even though her family income is triple mine and I get sucked into defending myself and I'm not sure why. I started a new thread and got lots of v supportive comments (sign posting me here) and a fair amount of nasty ones.

Some others have suggested grey rocking - can someone explain this to me in working practice.

I going to disengage with the childcare element, which is breaking me a tad as my DD loves my mum. I keep thinking does my sister really want to break that bond they have but I can't put my finger on why I think this!
My mum suggested having both girls on the both day but my sister keeps insisting my mum won't cope and I think my mum is starting to believe she can't cope (even though she raised two girls) So I'm going to disengage but now weird feelings of guilt and dare I say grief but no ones died.

I feel like I'm going mad whenever I engage with her, my childhood she would describe that I had a wonderful time but I was sexually abused by a family friend and was physically hurt at the hands of my sister multiple times and I can't understand how we both have such different realities of our childhood. I'm just looking for decent books to read or resource .. my sister is classed as a narc but I have a nasty feeling reading some of the comments in the other thread that my mum maybe also showing those traits ... which is frightening and I feel a bit at drift.

Can anyone share how to grey rock, how to go NC with no family drama, am I going mad ? Because I feel like I'm being classed as the unreasonable one and it's getting me down 😞

to my dad I neither can nor should cut contact with my mother
The truth is that your parents are the cause of the problem, but this truth is so disturbing to your parents that they are completely unable to see it, they are unable to tolerate being in the wrong.
He may never be able to consciously acknowledge it but I think your father is terrified of what will happen to him if you are no longer there to act as a buffer between him and your mother.
That's why he will do and say anything he can, desperately trying to keep you in her orbit.
That's why the idea of you cutting contact is unthinkable....because what might happen to him if you arent there.
It's all about You sacrificing your well-being so that they don't have to face their issues.
Get the hell out of dodge Cecile, let those two cowboys fight it out amongst themselves 🤠

@digitalnative welcome, although sorry you have to be here. It sounds like a tricky situation - I might be being slow but I couldn't work out from your post what you have finally decided to do? Is it correct to say you are going to comply with your sister's demands and also try to grey rock/NC with your sister but presumably not your mum?

I personally can't give any advice about grey rock because I haven't tried it and don't think it would be effective in my situation. However, I can say that you aren't going mad, and making you feel like the unreasonable one and like you have to defend your position (and that you are going mad) is probably what your sister is aiming for. You've probably heard of gaslighting, the objective of which is effectively to make people easier to control by denying their reality and sanity.

One of the other amazing contributors to this thread will probably be able to say something more helpful, but I just wanted to say best of luck.

[quote CeciledeVolanges]@digitalnative welcome, although sorry you have to be here. It sounds like a tricky situation - I might be being slow but I couldn't work out from your post what you have finally decided to do? Is it correct to say you are going to comply with your sister's demands and also try to grey rock/NC with your sister but presumably not your mum?

I personally can't give any advice about grey rock because I haven't tried it and don't think it would be effective in my situation. However, I can say that you aren't going mad, and making you feel like the unreasonable one and like you have to defend your position (and that you are going mad) is probably what your sister is aiming for. You've probably heard of gaslighting, the objective of which is effectively to make people easier to control by denying their reality and sanity.

One of the other amazing contributors to this thread will probably be able to say something more helpful, but I just wanted to say best of luck.[/quote]
So from the other post I made.. I have come to the hideous conclusion that my mum too many have narc quality. Which to me feels like the ground is shaking under my feet. How have I got two in the family ? Does this mean I maybe one too ? Is this something I could be and can't see it ? Maybe it is me causing all this.

I think given the lastest drama on everything, just giving in seems like a easier option re the childcare element. But then prospect of losing them both is making me feel quite sick. Less so my sister but my mum.

Yes my therapist has spoken to me about gaslighting repeatedly on the subject of my family. But I expect it on some level from my sister but it also seems like my mum has been engaging on this also, not like a active participant- like she's flies in create drama and flies out saying oh you know how your sister is, your the reasonable one 😞

@digitalnative I know what you mean, I also struggle with worrying about if I'm the same as my mum and my sister. However, some of the signs of narcissism are also signs of other issues (e.g. I have problems with attachment and feelings of emptiness, but I'm not a narcissist and in me they are considered BPD traits, a diagnosis which I've always missed just by a whisker...) and I think some aspects of narcissism mean that if you're self-aware enough to worry that you might be one, you aren't one. Donald Trump is a pretty textbook narcissist, can you imagine him stopping short one day and thinking to himself "wait, maybe I've got a problem with a ridiculous need for admiration and sense of my own importance and I lie all the time!" This might be something your therapist is better placed than I am to comment on.

I also only have my own experience to draw on here, but while I was out of contact with my parents and sister, my life didn't immediately improve, I didn't miss them for a second but I felt guilt, grief that I would never have a normal or pleasant family, and self-recrimination, and so on. In the end though, while I'm involved in the drama and nastiness of being back in the centre of the family, I am suffering damage to all my other relationships, to my reputation, to my mental health and even things like my career.

Would you necessarily lose contact with your mum if you, say, didn't back down on the childcare and just communicated with your sister the bare minimum necessary?

digitalnative

I have often read that if you think that you are a narcissist you most likely are not. You have two qualities that both your mother and your sister lack; empathy and insight. Narcissists have neither particularly empathy. I cannot emphasise enough the narcissists lack of empathy!.

I would do some reading around the drama triangle of narcissism consisting of rescuer, persecutor and victim and see how much of this relates to your family of origin. If you are indeed stuck in such a triangle the only way to end that is to remove yourself from it. That doesn’t necessarily mean having no contact with the main protagonist/s (although it might do), but it means adopting a neutral position. Sometimes this is unacceptable to the narcissist.

My mother is doing the manipulation thing at the moment and as I have been making more firm refusals she is kicking off.
She has become enmeshed in neighbours drama and swings from moaning about it to wanting me to search for stuff online.
I have told her keep her head down, dont get into it and she just wont listen.
She is wanting me to write letters reporting this one and that one then paranoid..
Honestly, I dont knowing she is having some dementia symptoms (76) or has over shot the runway on giving a shit.
Shes been like this all my life but it's getting worse and she honestly drains me so much.
I dont speak to people about it anymore as I see their eyes glaze over.
It's all so petty and childish but she is dragging me down with it and now I'm the enemy.
I know there isnt a solution but I need to be relieved of it somehow.
Please take this load off me.
Ma y thanks in advance

Not relating to any single post, but it is striking that somehow, the people getting 'mental health treatment' are, in effect, the ones who got mugged at the cashpoint. You might have thought that the one lying on the floor outside that bank isn't the one whose brain needs correcting.
(Actually, that reminds me of an apocryphal tale of two psychiatrists who watch someone being stabbed. One says "That man needs urgent help" "Yes, says the other, he must be suffering a personality disorder, to do a thing like that")
Especially in context of a continuing relationship, it seems like tacit approval of continuing abuse, if the recipient must passively keep getting their 'mental ill health correction', while the abuser keeps repeating the offences against them..

You will be 'prone to dog bites' unless you change your habit of living with aggressive dogs. All the surgery and blood transfusions are a bit of a waste of everyone's time unless you do. And after you keep away from them, it won't be needed any more . It was never you, doing the biting.

Anyone who has attempted or gone completely no contact before, have you explained to them specifically why?

I've been ignoring again but messages don't stop. I'm just in the same position again where I'm doing nothing. Not sure if I should provide an explanation... I guess I don't see the point in a lot of ways.

Who is messaging you?. Is it parents or other relatives. Other relatives can be used here by toxic people as "flying monkeys". These flying monkeys are not interested either in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored.

Regardless of the source keep ignoring those messages and furthermore block their access to email/phone/forms of social media etc. Radio silence from you needs to be maintained.

Those on this thread will be highly likely to have been habituated and trained from a young age to think of themselves as doormats. Everyone around us expected us, and taught us, to share their belief that we are somehow lesser creatures.
It is understandably next to impossible for us to have the same boundary awareness as an average person might. For that reason, those of us who need to go NC need to be extremely firm.

NC has to mean NC
.

The old relationships were founded on despising the human doormat.

Not one of the people who are willing to be in touch with any of the 'boot-wipers' , despite knowing what they did, can possibly have a healthy respect for the human doormats who were walked upon.

To all those who were passively complicit in a crime against us, we are not and never will be full human beings and so they too must be NC. We collude in the damaging evaluation of ourselves, when we timidly permit the disrespect of our opinions and wishes. We are so habituated that we take up the role of doormat entirely automatically: We don't even notice we are doing it.