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Original poster

Maintenance sex

159 replies

Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:24

I read about it in a magazine. They suggest even if you don’t fancy sex you have it to keep the relationship going . I’m thinking I need to do this . I’m busy and can’t be bothered ( also on meds that reduce sex drive )but I like my marriage , the life we have etc . It’s made me think ...
What are you’re opinions on it

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Shelovesamystery · 02/03/2021 21:36

IME the more you do it the more you want it. We initiate equally but if DH initiates and I'm not really in the mood then 9 times out of 10 I will still give it a go Grin. I always end up wanting it and enjoying it when I do, that's why I rarely turn DH down when he initiates.

I think that sex is such an important part of a relationship. Not just because it's enjoyable, but because it keeps the closeness and intimicy. If it's been a couple of weeks for us then I notice a real difference with how we interact with each other. There is less joking and flirting with each other and we are just not as close. As soon as we have sex we are back to our normal selves in our relationship.

Having said that if I really don't want to (rather than just not really fancying it) then I would say no and that would be the end of it. Which is how it should be. Nobody should ever be coerced or guilt tripped into sex.

Borntohula · 02/03/2021 21:36

No one should be having sex they don't want. Also, no one has to stay in a sexless relationship. I don't understand why anyone would be happy in an entirely sexless relationship if they are actually attracted to their partner.

LastRoloIsMine · 02/03/2021 21:40

I didnt make time for sex as I dont owe that to anyone but I did make time for our relationship which did ultimately lead to sex although it was never a "given".
Once my husband and I gave each other us time it reminded us both why we liked each other in the first place!

CoffeeRunner · 02/03/2021 21:43

God no.

I understand the theory but no, some men will just use this sort of reasoning as a stick to beat their partners with.

In my book, nobody should be having sex they don’t want.

GettingUntrapped · 02/03/2021 21:47

Whose 'job' is the maintenance here? Is it part of the mental load?

Wearywithteens · 02/03/2021 21:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/03/2021 21:49

I think you can certainly get into it, een if you weren’t feeling like it. If you’re not into it though taht should be respected, nobody should feel obliged to have sex they don’t want.

partyatthepalace · 02/03/2021 21:52

I’m all for it. Spontaneity is for teenagers / it’s like going to the gym, you feel better when you do.

But I do also find that once you get a regular routine you want it more and it improves communication no end Grin

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:53

@Borntohula I do fancy him I just don’t have a high sex drive

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:55

@partyatthepalace yeah it is a bit like that . Working, homeschooling kids . Usual life stress it’s just been off my mind . I do tend to enjoy it the mo I do it .

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MuddyWalks · 02/03/2021 21:55

I think it's important to make the effort.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:57

@GettingUntrapped possibly it is part of the mental load !he doesn’t suggest it tho as he knows I’m stressed and want to be left alone . I need to prioritise the relationship . We would normally go out together but lock has put a stop to that

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Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:58

@MuddyWalks yeah I think I need to put him first a bit . It’s a good marriage (20 years ) but Iv been lazy with it

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Janaih · 02/03/2021 21:58

Its like when your kids complain they don't want to go to swimming/ballet/coding club and you say "ohh, you'll like it once you get there". Grin

Trickyboy · 02/03/2021 22:00

You will get a lot of people quoting the 'no one should have sex when they don't want to' line. Which in theory is absolutely correct .. however there is a very fine line between 'don't want to' and 'just can't be arsed' ..

I came from the latter . It killed my marriage. I regret that immensely. Got trapped into the 'young children/working/housework ' mode and simply wanted to go to sleep. I just couldn't be arsed with it. Ex DH was by no means a sex pest .. played his part, helped with kids and housework.. but eventually, faced with constant rejection he simply gave up asking.

Sex is the glue that makes a marriage more than two adults that co-parent and run a house. Lack of sexual intimacy then permeates into a loss of general closeness and the inevitable drift into separate lives. It's then a very short step to total separation.

No of course you shouldn't feel coerced into sex. However the militant 'i don't have to if I don't want to' attitude rarely improves a marriage.. like all things.. a little effort when you don't particularly feel like doing something - but you do anyway because you want to make your spouse/partner happy - definitely gets a more positive result in the long term.

We are both remarried and happy. I will never make that same mistake again. It's not like we are dtd every night (or every week for that matter) but I do ask myself am I saying no because I genuinely don't want to.. or just not making the effort out of pure laziness .

muppette · 02/03/2021 22:01

@MuddyWalks

I think it's important to make the effort.
Me too. Agree.
muppette · 02/03/2021 22:02

@Janaih

Its like when your kids complain they don't want to go to swimming/ballet/coding club and you say "ohh, you'll like it once you get there". Grin
😂👍
custardcat85 · 02/03/2021 22:03

@GettingUntrapped

Whose 'job' is the maintenance here? Is it part of the mental load?
Exactly this. Another responsibility to add to my never-ending list!
muppette · 02/03/2021 22:03

*Sex is the glue that makes a marriage more than two adults that co-parent and run a house. Lack of sexual intimacy then permeates into a loss of general closeness and the inevitable drift into separate lives. It's then a very short step to total separation.

No of course you shouldn't feel coerced into sex. However the militant 'i don't have to if I don't want to' attitude rarely improves a marriage.. like all things.. a little effort when you don't particularly feel like doing something - but you do anyway because you want to make your spouse/partner happy - definitely gets a more positive result in the long term.*

Very well said.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 22:09

@JanaihGrin I’m not going to be able to get that out my head now !

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Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 22:09

@muppette
You are totally right . This year has been tough and it’s the first to go off the list . It just feels everyone wants a peace of me

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Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 22:12

@Trickyboy that is absolutely me . He’s a great husband, not a pest . He works hard so we have nice things but a lot of the emotional load is on me . I have checked out a bit - just through tiredness ans lazy ness . I maybe need to invest more - Thankyou

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UnsureAndUnsteady · 02/03/2021 22:20

@Trickyboy are you me?!?!?! That is exactly what happened to me in my first marriage and now with DH I am careful not to let history repeat itself.

I remember being with a friend who said “I rarely say no and I always end up enjoying myself” and thinking “huh...” 🤔 it is now something I would recommend as it is completely true and DH and I are 4.5 years in, still have sex a few times a week, most weeks, and feel a closeness that comes from that.

To be a bit controversial (throw an additional thing into the mix) I also ensure I give regular BJ’s! I know he loves them, I enjoy the erm...reciprocation 😳 and even though I don’t massively enjoy them (I don’t get them either) they are part of a healthy sex life.

UnsureAndUnsteady · 02/03/2021 22:22

Ow and BJ’s are great when you can’t be bothered to have sex and wouldn’t mind it being over with quite quickly but they feel “treated”! 😬🤫

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 22:27

@UnsureAndUnsteady I think it’s been on my mind a bit , I’m definitely going to make some changes .
Yeah there is something to be said for a bj when you can’t be arsed Grin

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