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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Maintenance sex

159 replies

Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:24

I read about it in a magazine. They suggest even if you don’t fancy sex you have it to keep the relationship going . I’m thinking I need to do this . I’m busy and can’t be bothered ( also on meds that reduce sex drive )but I like my marriage , the life we have etc . It’s made me think ...
What are you’re opinions on it

OP posts:
Deadringer · 04/03/2021 15:35

I don't think maintenance sex and making an effort to do it are the same, not exactly. To me maintenance sex is doing it regularly, entirely for the other person, to stop them huffing, or straying, or whatever. While making an effort is saying yes when you are not particularly in the mood, but are open to giving it a go and usually ending up enjoying it. I can honestly say that my dh never pestered me in our entire 30+ year marriage and essentially we had sex when we were both up for it, perhaps we are just lucky enough to have a similar sex drive.
I do think though that in general sex is more complicated for women, we have monthly periods that can be both physically and emotionally draining. We have hormones that fluctuate wildly, and pregnancies, miscarriages, abortions, and birth injuries. (generalising here obviously) And that's before we even start on body image, the media and porn. It's not to say that men don't have issues, but their hormones and sex drive are fairly consistent, aside from aging issues, which affect us all.

catherineofarrogance80 · 04/03/2021 16:15

@Skyla2005

Yes I do think marriage is give and take. If it's a healthy loving relationship then I do think it's important to make an effort for the other person not just sex. So many posters wondering why their partner has had an affair or watched a ton of porn. Truth is men won't go without sex ! No point kidding ourselves that because we have gone off it they have too. They don't go off it So to keep things on track it needs taking care off. Of course it's a two way street and he needs to pay attention to your needs as well !
I'm with a man who would forego sex forever more All this oh all men want sex crap makes me feel like there's something wrong with me
caringcarer · 04/03/2021 16:32

Maintenance in a relationship should be about making time for each other, having a meal out or going for a walk together. Chatting over shared chores. The resultant closeness is what brings about sex.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2021 19:06

Sorry you’re having a rough time @catherineofarrogance80

It’s not you. It’s not. There are loads of posts on here from women in the same boat with a variety of reasons/excuses from their DHs/DPs. Porn use seems to be one of the major reasons, but work stress, kids stress, weight and health issues, antidepressants, all sorts of factors. Your posts, and others on this thread, show how it’s not a one way street and how constant rejection can be corrosive to an otherwise good or okay relationship.

You deserve to feel loved and desired and there’s no objective measure of unhappy a person has to meet to decide to leave.

It’s not just about sex when it gets to this point, the rejection damages your self esteem and how you feel about the other person.

MorriseysGladioli · 04/03/2021 19:06

I think the spoons position is often recommended for times when you're planning on getting to sleep by 9.30 latest.
And it is probably the most restful position.

catherineofarrogance80 · 04/03/2021 21:19

@AnneLovesGilbert

Sorry you’re having a rough time *@catherineofarrogance80*

It’s not you. It’s not. There are loads of posts on here from women in the same boat with a variety of reasons/excuses from their DHs/DPs. Porn use seems to be one of the major reasons, but work stress, kids stress, weight and health issues, antidepressants, all sorts of factors. Your posts, and others on this thread, show how it’s not a one way street and how constant rejection can be corrosive to an otherwise good or okay relationship.

You deserve to feel loved and desired and there’s no objective measure of unhappy a person has to meet to decide to leave.

It’s not just about sex when it gets to this point, the rejection damages your self esteem and how you feel about the other person.

I would be heartbroken to separate the family but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this
WombatChocolate · 05/03/2021 09:29

I think for most couples (not all) a lack of sex altogether, will be the breaking point. It’s a question of how long it takes for the person who is unhappy with the situation to appreciate how much of an impact it has for them and decide to leave. Incredibly painful.

I’d say, you shouldn’t suffer in silence and although it’s difficult to address it with DH, it’s vital to do this. There could be all kinds of possible reasons...medical, including depression or other factors. Only when you talk about them (and possibly go for some kind of counselling or therapy) can you start to see if there might be a way forward. Sometimes they won’t be, but I think most people really would like to explore the options to bring about change, if it’s that which will save the marriage.

The longer people leave it, without talking about it, the deeper the separation between the 2 people can be and the harder to restore the relationship. It can reach the point if no return, even if there is action that might help.

It is really hard when there are children, as leaving is for most reasons. However, don’t just see sex as a ‘nice to have’ in your relationship and something you should be able to live without. It’s much more than that for the vast majority of people. You might need to think about if you can address it and see if there’s a way forward, or think seriously about the future. It wouldn’t be unreasonable or something which was selfish, but totally to be expected, especially if you have explored all the options of moving forward and finding resolutions. Some people do find a way forward with this, often through some kind of counselling, or even just throug open communication between themselves....but longer term sexlessness doesn’t normally resolve itself without anyone being willing to speak about it. Incredibly hard.

Guidancillary · 11/12/2021 11:33

Tbh you do make it sound romantic 😅

todaysdilemma · 11/12/2021 17:20

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