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Original poster

Maintenance sex

159 replies

Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:24

I read about it in a magazine. They suggest even if you don’t fancy sex you have it to keep the relationship going . I’m thinking I need to do this . I’m busy and can’t be bothered ( also on meds that reduce sex drive )but I like my marriage , the life we have etc . It’s made me think ...
What are you’re opinions on it

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 03/03/2021 00:03

@Shelovesamysteryn no I agree you made a fair point

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 03/03/2021 00:06

@Opentooffers I get what you mean , no there is no resentment. I normally enjoy it . I think the problem is Iv been so busy putting attention to kids work the house that our relationship has been put on the chore list . And I need to get it off !

OP posts:
mcclucky · 03/03/2021 00:07

I don't think you should have sex if you don't want to. At some point - not necessarily soon afterwards - you just feel dirty and resentful.

I do think that you should make time to be adults together though, especially if you're parents and those labels take over. I know it can sound a bit forced, but in a long term relationship, there's nowt wrong with a planned date night. It might lead to sex, it might not, but at least you'll remember why you like each other (hopefully).

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 03/03/2021 00:10

Doesn't work.

It feels completely contrived and perfunctory, which is as big a turn off and just as alienating as living with a partner who rejects you and makes no effort.

It's smoke and mirrors, and not very effective ones at that.

MorriseysGladioli · 03/03/2021 00:10

I think it's fine not to do it if you don't want to, but it's worth remembering all the threads on here...
"I caught my husband out. I thought we were happy, although we haven't been intimate for the last 15 years."

stressedlandlord · 03/03/2021 00:24

I do. It's important for my husband to release the stress of work. Sometimes I really don't feel like it, but if I just bend over and he gets on with it then he is happy for a few days. I love him, but I have a far lower sex drive.

timeisnotaline · 03/03/2021 00:32

If you don’t enjoy maintenance sex at all then it’s prob not a great option. If you don’t mind it once you’re going then why not? I maintenance eat vegetables even when I don’t feel like it to keep healthy and can definitely enjoy that much less than maintenance sex. It’s very different from coercion.

Wearywithteens · 03/03/2021 00:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RagzReturnsRebooted · 03/03/2021 00:42

I completely get this. DH and I actually had a scheduled 'maintenence' shag every week, on one of my days off and he's self employed. I'd do the school run, we'd have coffee and then go to bed. Nice to have the house empty so no worries about DCs and having it become a habit meant we always did it at least once a week. Lockdown totally ruined that!
Mobile phones don't help. I tend to spend my evenings either reading books or MN on my phone while DH either looks at his own phone or watches documentaries, so often it doesn't occur to either of us to initiate but once one does we're fine. Helps that he will always make sure I have at least one orgasm, so it's always worth it!
We don't share a bed usually, so we're lacking that really easy cue for sex and usually DH has to actually say something or I move across the sofa for a cuddle so he knows I'm in the mood! Have to time it well though as he's on medication that makes him groggy and kills his sex drive.
The weekly scheduled appointment with each other definitely helps and as a PP said, I do notice the change in how we interact if there's been no sex for a while!

I always feel a little sad for the couples who don't have sex any more, especially when they're quite young - 40s and 50s (my job involves sometimes asking about sex related things).

MorriseysGladioli · 03/03/2021 00:43

Bending over is a bit fancy, just for maintenance sex.

RagzReturnsRebooted · 03/03/2021 00:48

@timeisnotaline

If you don’t enjoy maintenance sex at all then it’s prob not a great option. If you don’t mind it once you’re going then why not? I maintenance eat vegetables even when I don’t feel like it to keep healthy and can definitely enjoy that much less than maintenance sex. It’s very different from coercion.
Love that, maintenance sex definitely more enjoyable than vegetables, lol
BehindMyEyes · 03/03/2021 00:51

@Trickyboy

You will get a lot of people quoting the 'no one should have sex when they don't want to' line. Which in theory is absolutely correct .. however there is a very fine line between 'don't want to' and 'just can't be arsed' ..

I came from the latter . It killed my marriage. I regret that immensely. Got trapped into the 'young children/working/housework ' mode and simply wanted to go to sleep. I just couldn't be arsed with it. Ex DH was by no means a sex pest .. played his part, helped with kids and housework.. but eventually, faced with constant rejection he simply gave up asking.

Sex is the glue that makes a marriage more than two adults that co-parent and run a house. Lack of sexual intimacy then permeates into a loss of general closeness and the inevitable drift into separate lives. It's then a very short step to total separation.

No of course you shouldn't feel coerced into sex. However the militant 'i don't have to if I don't want to' attitude rarely improves a marriage.. like all things.. a little effort when you don't particularly feel like doing something - but you do anyway because you want to make your spouse/partner happy - definitely gets a more positive result in the long term.

We are both remarried and happy. I will never make that same mistake again. It's not like we are dtd every night (or every week for that matter) but I do ask myself am I saying no because I genuinely don't want to.. or just not making the effort out of pure laziness .

Totally agree . Another one here .
BehindMyEyes · 03/03/2021 00:53

And yes to planning a date/assignation - mental foreplay .

adventurealice · 03/03/2021 09:22

"I'm not doing something unless I want to" is the death knell for lots of types of relationships, not just sexual ones. I don't want to go to parent teacher evenings, but I do and it's appreciated. I don't want to go to nativity plays, but I do and it’s okay. I don’t want to keep visiting my elderly parents and changing their bed sheets, but I do. For some reason sex is put on a special pedestal compared to every other activity in life.

backinthespareroom · 03/03/2021 09:28

This thread has given me a bit of a wake up call. I try and ignore the issue, but I know I can't forever. I agree with the last poster actually. It doesn't come naturally to me so I'm going to have to work at it and see what happens.

Coronawireless · 03/03/2021 09:46

@MorriseysGladioli

Bending over is a bit fancy, just for maintenance sex.
😄😄

I do maintenance too. It’s like loading the dishwasher. Does much less for me than for him most of the time tbh but it makes him happy and we’re closer afterwards. Since I value him in all other areas it’s worth it.

Sometimes I fantasise about Daniel Craig in casino royale but I think it would be risky to throw over my life with DH to try for Daniel.

For some reason this thread reminds me of a question we used to ask when young & single... “would you prefer real jewellery and fake orgasms or real orgasms and fake jewellery?” (Dsis said real jewellery - you could always get the other on the side).

gannett · 03/03/2021 09:58

There's a vast difference between "not quite being in the mood... but maybe if you warm me up" and "absolutely not in the mood whether for mental or physical or other reasons".

The trouble is as you get older and busier, if you say no every time it's the former you very easily end up in a drought. I don't want to be in a sexless relationship, so to me it's not just maintenance of my DP but maintenance of the relationship I want to have. And it's the other way round sometimes too, the cliche that only men are ever after sex is so toxic.

As for the "absolutely not" state... no one should ever have to get over that to have sex. But in a LTR or marriage I don't believe anyone should take sex off the table indefinitely or unilaterally without a big-picture conversation about why. You can't just reject your partner over and over again without discussing it or trying to reassure them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2021 10:03

Are people assuming this is a one-way street? Have you never told a sleepy husband/partner you’re up for a quick shag before nodding off and they’ve obliged when they wouldn’t otherwise have thought of it?

Flippyferloppy · 03/03/2021 10:13

I'm not a man, but I think constantly turning down a man's requests/hints/whatever can be extremely hurtful for them. I wouldn't want to be constantly rejected, so why should it be OK to do that to the man you are supposed to love?

I find I need to be in the right headspace to initiate it, but I do think intimacy is a key element to keeping relationships healthy

Redruby2020 · 03/03/2021 10:29

@Trickyboy

You will get a lot of people quoting the 'no one should have sex when they don't want to' line. Which in theory is absolutely correct .. however there is a very fine line between 'don't want to' and 'just can't be arsed' ..

I came from the latter . It killed my marriage. I regret that immensely. Got trapped into the 'young children/working/housework ' mode and simply wanted to go to sleep. I just couldn't be arsed with it. Ex DH was by no means a sex pest .. played his part, helped with kids and housework.. but eventually, faced with constant rejection he simply gave up asking.

Sex is the glue that makes a marriage more than two adults that co-parent and run a house. Lack of sexual intimacy then permeates into a loss of general closeness and the inevitable drift into separate lives. It's then a very short step to total separation.

No of course you shouldn't feel coerced into sex. However the militant 'i don't have to if I don't want to' attitude rarely improves a marriage.. like all things.. a little effort when you don't particularly feel like doing something - but you do anyway because you want to make your spouse/partner happy - definitely gets a more positive result in the long term.

We are both remarried and happy. I will never make that same mistake again. It's not like we are dtd every night (or every week for that matter) but I do ask myself am I saying no because I genuinely don't want to.. or just not making the effort out of pure laziness .

I have to disagree there, as my ex lived a separate life anyway and then that just pushed us further apart. Plus the fact after we had our DS he was very abusive, that was the end.
WomenAndVulvas · 03/03/2021 10:30

I agree with everything @Trickyboy said, that was a very good post.

Marineboy67 · 03/03/2021 10:32

@Wearywithteens

“It's important for my husband to release the stress of work. Sometimes I really don't feel like it, but if I just bend over and he gets on with it then he is happy for a few days.”

Oh dear - are you actually joking? If not, this is really grim and not a picture that conjures up the ideal loving marriage.

I absolutely agree with this, as a man if my partner doesn't feel like having sex that's an end to it. I want her to enjoy it and feel satisfied and fulfilled. The thought of her bending over the washing machine thinking 'I ought to put a Calgon tablet in this time' is a massive turn off. Perhaps I'm in a minority but that's how it works or doesn't work for me.
harknesswitch · 03/03/2021 10:33

I think maintenance sex is a good idea, all to often I get caught up in the 'I'm too tired, can't be arsed' mode, but when I do make the effort I enjoy it. For me it's akin to going out and seeing friends. Most of the time I'd rather stay at home in my pjs wasting sweets and drinking pop, but actually when I do go out I really enjoy myself.

I do think sex beings a relationship together (if you're with the right person). It brings a closeness that, unless you're lucky, will dwindle without sex.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/03/2021 10:36

TrickyBoy great post.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2021 10:41

@Flippyferloppy

I'm not a man, but I think constantly turning down a man's requests/hints/whatever can be extremely hurtful for them. I wouldn't want to be constantly rejected, so why should it be OK to do that to the man you are supposed to love?

I find I need to be in the right headspace to initiate it, but I do think intimacy is a key element to keeping relationships healthy

There have been countless threads by women in exactly this boat. Constant rejection leads to resentment which eventually erodes what else may be good in a marriage and what began as just no sex but everything else was okay ends in the whole marriage being dead on its feet.