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Original poster

Maintenance sex

159 replies

Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:24

I read about it in a magazine. They suggest even if you don’t fancy sex you have it to keep the relationship going . I’m thinking I need to do this . I’m busy and can’t be bothered ( also on meds that reduce sex drive )but I like my marriage , the life we have etc . It’s made me think ...
What are you’re opinions on it

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 02/03/2021 22:36

I'd hate the thought of someone feeling that they have to put out to maintain the relationship. It's almost 'in house prostitution' .
Have sex for the right reason because you desire it nothing else.

backinthespareroom · 02/03/2021 22:38

We haven't had sex in years. We're both on medication, high stress, kids with additional demands... now lockdown and I realise how we just don't have intimacy. I love my husband and care about my marriage but do I want to rip his clothes off? No not really. It's comfortable but that lust for me has gone. I'm trying to get fit and lose a bit of weight, I find that really affects my sex drive. My DH doesn't seem remotely interested... its definitely an issue we need to resolve. I find it really sad and yet I can't be arsed to do anything about it too tired.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2021 22:39

Interesting discussion. I think it’s important to invest in time together and sex is part of that. Yes life is busy and young children, if you have them, are demanding on your time and energy. But your relationship is the foundation of the family your children live in and it matters that the foundation stays solid. When they’ve eventually flown the nest and it’s just the two of you at home you need to still like and know each other, feel close and be the married/committed couple you were to begin with. Making an effort to maintain or renew intimacy when it’s a bit harder seems easier than better than realising you’ve lost it completely or one of you has left.

There’s an awful lot of no please I prefer a cuppa on here and it’s no wonder so many people get divorced or have affairs.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2021 22:42

It's almost 'in house prostitution'

Well if you want to you can make anything sound ugly.

You’re also suggesting sex is a chore women do for men, not something a lot of them enjoy and benefit from themselves if they make time for it.

We’re all different.

SarahLox77 · 02/03/2021 22:48

@Shelovesamystery

IME the more you do it the more you want it. We initiate equally but if DH initiates and I'm not really in the mood then 9 times out of 10 I will still give it a go Grin. I always end up wanting it and enjoying it when I do, that's why I rarely turn DH down when he initiates.

I think that sex is such an important part of a relationship. Not just because it's enjoyable, but because it keeps the closeness and intimicy. If it's been a couple of weeks for us then I notice a real difference with how we interact with each other. There is less joking and flirting with each other and we are just not as close. As soon as we have sex we are back to our normal selves in our relationship.

Having said that if I really don't want to (rather than just not really fancying it) then I would say no and that would be the end of it. Which is how it should be. Nobody should ever be coerced or guilt tripped into sex.

I could have written this word for word.
Shelovesamystery · 02/03/2021 22:48

@Marineboy67

I'd hate the thought of someone feeling that they have to put out to maintain the relationship. It's almost 'in house prostitution' . Have sex for the right reason because you desire it nothing else.
If I only had sex when I desire it (without DH initiating) then I would be at it non stop for 3 days after my period ended and then that would be it until after my next period.

Sometimes I'm tired or just not in the mood and DH initiates. I could say no but I usually give him the chance to "get me in the mood" and it almost always works and I end up wanting to have sex and enjoying it. If it doesn't work or I really am exhausted then I say not tonight and that's that. It's the same the other way around as well, sometimes DH is knackered but let's me "get him in the mood" and ends up wanting it.

It's not about having sex that you don't want. It's about giving it a chance to see if you can get in the mood. If you can't then you can't, no big deal.

NaeBor · 02/03/2021 22:52

I've experienced both "attitudes" too. My first proper relationship we were best friends, lots of laughs and attraction but he just wasn't interested in sex. It killed us. I think, as well as missing the closeness that comes from frequent sex, it's the rejection that really causes cracks. Wether it's the man or the woman constantly being rejected... or just the low key silent rejection that comes from neither one ever initiating or seeming interested.

So controversy alert the next person I had a relationship with, we made a promise that if one person wanted sex the other person had to. Best / happiest relationship I've ever had. Unhealthy? Probably. But like a pp said I never didn't enjoy it once I got umm... started, and he had no complaints either. And I guess either of us could have safeworded / tapped out or whatever at any time.

I mean... we didn't have a safeword lol but I guess if I'd started screaming MISSISSIPPI like a banshee, he would have got the message.

Anyway... all that to say, if maintenance sex is the only way to make action happen in the bedroom then I think it's a good idea.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/03/2021 23:01

I agree that that the more you have, the more you want. So it might start as maintenance sex but ends up as a healthier sexual relationship.

partyatthepalace · 02/03/2021 23:01

[quote Sunnydays999]@partyatthepalace yeah it is a bit like that . Working, homeschooling kids . Usual life stress it’s just been off my mind . I do tend to enjoy it the mo I do it .[/quote]
I think that almost all the images and stories we have about sex are about youth and spontaneity, we find it hard to accept that bar maybe the odd dirty weekend, sex when you are married with kids etc is different.

Its really interesting too that there are a few (well meaning) posters on this thread saying ‘no one should be coerced into sex!’ Or ‘ it’s yet another to do!’ Etc It’s like again people can’t fathom sex that isn’t totally spontaneous could also be good and important.

I think the vast majority of individuals and couples benefit from regular sex, but as and adult you cannot expect not to have to diary the time.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 23:18

@Marineboy67 I want to keep my marriage. He’s a good husband

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 23:19

@backinthespareroom Iv had health issues that have added to it , as it does . I’m now at a point where I want to try to deal with it . It’s not him it’s me . I love him

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 02/03/2021 23:23

A bj when you can't be arsed? What a depressing comment.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 23:23

As for people saying it’s prostitution
It doesn’t work like that . It’s part of the deal of marriage .I enjoy the family life , he works hard for us .I take on a lot of the emotional load and the burden with the kids as I work less hours . I guess I do have a lower sex drive . He never ever pesters . But I do think most men want sex in a marriage. That’s why I’m wanting to change things .

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 23:25

@Silenceisgolden20
I often can’t be bothered with full sex . In the past I have as it makes him happy . It doesn’t repulse or upset me . I’m just not in the mood in general at the mo

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 02/03/2021 23:26

@Silenceisgolden20

A bj when you can't be arsed? What a depressing comment.
WHy? As long as it works both ways. I have done the maintenance BJ many a time and have had the reciprocal. We all have needs and it actually can be quite a loving act to fulfil your partners needs, and have your own fulfilled, in order to keep the physical side going.
Silenceisgolden20 · 02/03/2021 23:28

Why? Because I feel it's a depressing comment that's why. I don't want to service a man because I couldn't be bothered to have sex. I would rather have sex
But that's me.

Shelovesamystery · 02/03/2021 23:29

I think there is a widespread myth that women aren't interested in sex and only "do it" for the man. I know when DH has told me about his friends complaining to him that "my wife doesn't give me sex" I've thought it was a very strange turn of phrase. I've never "given" DH sex Confused I've had sex with him because I wanted to but it's not a gift FGS. It's not a reward for good behaviour.

I think this idea that women give men sex and get little pleasure from it is really detrimental to women, it does us no favours. If that is what you believe then you are a lot less likely to enjoy sex. If that is what your partner believes then he is a lot less likely to put the time and effort in to making sure that you enjoy it. Not exactly conductive to good sex.

I've also noticed that a lot of my female friends get very shy and embarrassed when talking about sex. Like it's a taboo subject. I don't really understand this tbh. I always think that if you're so embarrassed to talk about sex then how are you communicating what you want sexually to your partner? If you're partner doesn't know what you want then you are unlikely to be having good sex.

So really it's no wonder that a lot of women don't want to have sex.

Silenceisgolden20 · 02/03/2021 23:31

But then I find this thread depressing so I'm out.
I find women want sex as much as men and maintaining your man another load for women to do.
But that's me. Not saying you're wrong OP.

NigellaSeed · 02/03/2021 23:32

@Trickyboy

You will get a lot of people quoting the 'no one should have sex when they don't want to' line. Which in theory is absolutely correct .. however there is a very fine line between 'don't want to' and 'just can't be arsed' ..

I came from the latter . It killed my marriage. I regret that immensely. Got trapped into the 'young children/working/housework ' mode and simply wanted to go to sleep. I just couldn't be arsed with it. Ex DH was by no means a sex pest .. played his part, helped with kids and housework.. but eventually, faced with constant rejection he simply gave up asking.

Sex is the glue that makes a marriage more than two adults that co-parent and run a house. Lack of sexual intimacy then permeates into a loss of general closeness and the inevitable drift into separate lives. It's then a very short step to total separation.

No of course you shouldn't feel coerced into sex. However the militant 'i don't have to if I don't want to' attitude rarely improves a marriage.. like all things.. a little effort when you don't particularly feel like doing something - but you do anyway because you want to make your spouse/partner happy - definitely gets a more positive result in the long term.

We are both remarried and happy. I will never make that same mistake again. It's not like we are dtd every night (or every week for that matter) but I do ask myself am I saying no because I genuinely don't want to.. or just not making the effort out of pure laziness .

I really respect your post. I definitely feel like my sex drive is so much lower than OH that I need to just put in effort even when I CBA - never heard of it referred to as maintenance sex, it's catchy. As PP said, it's alright once you get going lol
Silenceisgolden20 · 02/03/2021 23:33

@shelovesamystery agree completely.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 23:40

@Shelovesamystery it’s not that i never enjoy it . It just isn’t a huge priority for me at the moment . I Have a few things going on health abs stress wise and can’t be bothered . But it’s a marriage so I feel I should take care of if his needs . This is my view not him asking

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 23:42

@NigellaSeed my drive is higher when things are easier in other areas of my life . But I love him , he’s a good husband. And I worry as other people say , a lack of intimacy will damage things

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 23:44

@Silenceisgolden20 totally respect you’re view . And I agree that some woman want sex as much as men . This is just my feelings and my situation at this point in my life

OP posts:
Shelovesamystery · 02/03/2021 23:48

@Sunnydays999 sorry I didn't mean that you don't. That post was more just my musings over sex being seen as a chore for women. I don't think of it as a chore and I definitely agree that effort should be put in to keep it going in a relationship.

Opentooffers · 02/03/2021 23:54

It depends on how you feel about the sex when you've had it. If you feel tired, can't be arsed and your head says nah, but you go along with it and find you are enjoying it, then afterwards feel that it was a great experience and should do it more often, then that's all good. But if you go against your initial instinct to say no, and you find your just going through the motions and it can't end quick enough, then that's not a routine you want to be continuing with, it will more likely breed resentment and drive a wedge.
I've happily mostly been in the first camp, the one time I numbly went through the motions, was the last time I ever did it with him, because I knew that the relationship was dead in the water. Don't keep doing it if the experienceleaves you cold.