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Original poster

Maintenance sex

159 replies

Sunnydays999 · 02/03/2021 21:24

I read about it in a magazine. They suggest even if you don’t fancy sex you have it to keep the relationship going . I’m thinking I need to do this . I’m busy and can’t be bothered ( also on meds that reduce sex drive )but I like my marriage , the life we have etc . It’s made me think ...
What are you’re opinions on it

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 03/03/2021 10:44

Sometimes though, this having to feel “fulfilled” IS the actual turn-off. A man who expected me to be up for it, gasping with desire (and if I wasn’t, he’d be off looking someone who would) would be seriously annoying.
Both of us know the deal - I’m often tired, I have DC and work, I’m not as young and hot as I used to be - but I’m happy to oblige if he’s in the mood. I just don’t want to have to gasp and like I’m Rose from Titanic EVERY time. There’s a fine line (probably varies from couple to couple) between being a considerate lover and being one who demands enjoyment.

FreezerBird · 03/03/2021 10:44

Someone once said to me that there's a difference between 'not really wanting to' and 'really not wanting to'.

After my DD was born I really didn't want sex, for ages - it was like all those circuits had been disconnected. So we didn't have it. No coercion, no pressure, no maintenance sex.

These days I'm knackered, stressed and not in the best physical shape and I often don't really want to initially but once things get going it's brilliant and I can't think why I wasn't keen.

If we ever just give it a go when I think I don't really want to, but it turns out I REALLY don't want to, we stop. No dramas.

And vice versa for him, of course.

Coronawireless · 03/03/2021 10:45

@Coronawireless

Sometimes though, this having to feel “fulfilled” IS the actual turn-off. A man who expected me to be up for it, gasping with desire (and if I wasn’t, he’d be off looking someone who would) would be seriously annoying. Both of us know the deal - I’m often tired, I have DC and work, I’m not as young and hot as I used to be - but I’m happy to oblige if he’s in the mood. I just don’t want to have to gasp and like I’m Rose from Titanic EVERY time. There’s a fine line (probably varies from couple to couple) between being a considerate lover and being one who demands enjoyment.
This is in response to Marineboy67
Mistymonday · 03/03/2021 10:47

Our relationship reverses the gender stereotypes and I think men are less keen on doing things they don’t want to than women are. Unluckily for me! So annoying the way it is assumed in articles like this that men are the high sex drive partner. Some women do want lots of sex!

Hotcuppatea · 03/03/2021 10:50

For me, it's a bit like going for a run. I often don't want to do it, but I'm always happy that I did afterwards.

Branleuse · 03/03/2021 10:51

I think theres a lot of nuance to this.
Theres a difference to pushing yourself sometimes to get in the mood for sex because you know youll both feel better for it if you put some effort in.
If all sex was maintence sex then id say there was a problem

barm87 · 03/03/2021 10:53

Im fortunate in that my DH has a low sex drive so once a month does him which is great for me as I’m not hugely interested either. We generally go away to a hotel once a month and make the most of it. Obviously lockdown been a bit of a problem for that!

AryaStarkWolf · 03/03/2021 11:35

Obviously if you really really don't want to then don't but I used to do this for a spell or two over my marriage because I knew once I got into it I would enjoy it, if that makes sense? And agree with a PP the more you do it the more likely it is your sex drive comes back

**I'm not talking about people who have genuine reasons for not wanting sex here, just talking about myself when my sex drive was low for periods just because I was kind of lazy or whatever

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 03/03/2021 13:48

@MorriseysGladioli exactly that’s my concern. I do have a low sex drive . But I love him , don’t want anyone else . Like my family and life as it is . So that’s why I’m thinking I should . Everyone has needs . And most men in a marriage expect sex

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 03/03/2021 13:53

@stressedlandlord do enjoy it while you’re doing it ? Even if I don’t feel really into it the closeness is nice . I do feel like I have neglected him . He’s a wonderful father , husband. He’s worked hard so I can go part time and be at home . I guess I feel I’m failing on part of the unspoken deal

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 03/03/2021 13:55

@backinthespareroom I’m glad it’s been helpful to you . You aren’t alone. I just think we have so much on it goes to the back of the list

OP posts:
thelightishere · 03/03/2021 14:43

Absolutely the case for me OP! I no put it off and dread it, actually worried I was asexual recently (DH definitely is not). When we first got together it was the best sex of my life, but now in 40s, toddler, seeing each other all day every day (both wfh), meds and a horrible preg scare last year have put me right off. Now going to RTFT for tips on feeling more up for it for the sake of the marriage I actually love being in!

BabCNesbitt · 03/03/2021 14:59

What about the situation where it’s been so long since you last had sex with your DP that when you do finally do it, it’s all over really quickly because it’s been ages? Sure, I can sort myself out afterwards, but I could do that anyway on my own, and it doesn’t do much for intimacy if the maintenance sex is crap.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2021 15:12

@BabCNesbitt

What about the situation where it’s been so long since you last had sex with your DP that when you do finally do it, it’s all over really quickly because it’s been ages? Sure, I can sort myself out afterwards, but I could do that anyway on my own, and it doesn’t do much for intimacy if the maintenance sex is crap.
Isn’t this about communication? You should be able to talk if you’re having sex, and he shouldn’t be leaving you to sort yourself out afterwards, that’s just crap sex. Do you talk about it?
BabCNesbitt · 03/03/2021 16:08

We’ve talked about it, and I don’t want to hijack the OP’s thread, but in general if it’s getting to the point where it seems more like an unrewarding chore rather than “you’ll be glad when you get there!”, does maintenance sex still have a role then?

Newstaronhorizon · 03/03/2021 16:55

All the marriages I know about ( a fair few) don't dtd and haven't done for years and it they are all strong marriages, which come with no pressure. The not having time or desire is often mutual but probably comes from the male side more but either way has no bearing on the strength of the marriage.

Imo, if you enjoy your lives and you are a great team and you have a happy home and a lovely kind and helpful DH then you would not give that all up for something you can achieve with a good rabbit! Grin

Coronawireless · 03/03/2021 16:55

@BabCNesbitt

We’ve talked about it, and I don’t want to hijack the OP’s thread, but in general if it’s getting to the point where it seems more like an unrewarding chore rather than “you’ll be glad when you get there!”, does maintenance sex still have a role then?
I guess what we’re talking about in this thread is women having slightly inconvenient sex as a favour to make a partner happy because he does things for them in return. Leaving you to sort yourself out sounds as if the favours are a bit one-sided there.
agreyersky · 03/03/2021 16:58

Sex is the glue that makes a marriage more than two adults that co-parent and run a house. Lack of sexual intimacy then permeates into a loss of general closeness and the inevitable drift into separate lives. It's then a very short step to total separation

I agree with this. I think sex is a habit you can fall out of.

SoulofanAggron · 03/03/2021 17:00

I think this is such an old fashioned idea the mag was giviing out. Don't have any sex when you don't feel like it. x

agreyersky · 03/03/2021 17:02

@Newstaronhorizon

All the marriages I know about ( a fair few) don't dtd and haven't done for years and it they are all strong marriages, which come with no pressure. The not having time or desire is often mutual but probably comes from the male side more but either way has no bearing on the strength of the marriage.

Imo, if you enjoy your lives and you are a great team and you have a happy home and a lovely kind and helpful DH then you would not give that all up for something you can achieve with a good rabbit! Grin

Yet the relationship pages are full of women who thought they were in strong, happy sexless marriages until they find out their husband has found someone else to have sex with.

I know a woman who thinks she is in one of these strong happy sexless marriages. I also know her husband has had at least one (probably more) long term affair partners since she stopped having sex with him.

Newstaronhorizon · 03/03/2021 17:10

I said it was when the male is lacking in desire as in a bit of a workaholic and no time for all that shenanigans, believe me there are plenty of men who fit in to this category Grin

agreyersky · 03/03/2021 17:37

Same applies if it is a man or a woman. Plenty of miserable women on these pages in sexless marriages.

Denn35 · 03/03/2021 17:40

Gosh I find this thread depressing. I know people say sex idnt meant to be made a chore but the pps on here saying I think of it as a jog or doing the washing make it precisely that! I would be mortified and quite frankly just not be able to get in the mood if I knew that's how my dp felt whilst we was dtd. How romantic and mood setting is that.
I've found since having a dc I'm also in this rut and it's hard. Unless the sex drive (or lack of) matches its always going to be a cause for concern. I hate feeling self pressured into sex by the thought of my dp not being satisfied and looking else where, but at the same time I know it's not realistic to expect someone to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. If anyone has the answer please let me know! But I dont think mantience sex is the answer, after a while it will place a negative outlook on something that is meant to be positive and I know personally I will just become resentful of the fact I have to do it and not want to.

SoulofanAggron · 03/03/2021 18:16

I know a woman who thinks she is in one of these strong happy sexless marriages. I also know her husband has had at least one (probably more) long term affair partners since she stopped having sex with him.

@agreyersky Men having affairs isn't because their wives don't 'put out.' Lots of men whose marriages have a reasonable amount of sex also have affairs.

agreyersky · 03/03/2021 18:24

@SoulofanAggron
Sure. there are men who have full sexual relationships with their wives and have affairs. There are also men who only have affairs because their marriages have become sexless.