So devastated that my family has gone

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I was sent to boarding school as a child while my family parents and much younger siblings went abroad to work, they finally came back to the UK when they retired early and I had a few years with them, the first time they had all been in the UK for 40 years.
I was just getting to know my nieces and nephews and feel happy having my siblings around.
Now they say they are all emigrating to Australia as the UK is so miserable and they won't be coming back, all of them.
I'll be left here again with my adult DS and pretty much nobody else. I can't go as my DS and his wife don't want to emigrate and I'm not leaving them.
I think it's so selfish, they are breaking up the entire family yet again and I could never afford to visit, yearly visits are pointless anyway, I won't see any of the kids growing up or be a part of their lives.
Just got a lonely old age to look forward to as my DS doesn't want any children.
I can't see the point of living like this. What would you do.

That sounds difficult. They are all emigrating? It’s hard to emigrate to Australia these days. Do they all qualify?

It is entirely their prerogative to do what they think is best for their family. You have your own life to lead as you see fit, they have theirs. If I were you I'd look at making my own life happier, and save up for some wonderful holidays to visit them. Also there are many ways to stay in touch these days, you can still have a good relationship if you really want to.

Do they all have the appropriate employment status/ finances to do so? I thought it would be v hard as a retired person to do so as you would have to prove you would be fully self sufficient and not cause Australia any 'cost' re health care etc. How old are they?

I'd probably stop feeling sorry for myself. They are not breaking up the entire family - they are making life choices that are best for their families. You are making the one that you you think is best for yours. Whether you are lonely or not doesn't depend on the location of family. It depends on whether you get out and make social contact with other people. It doesn't have to be family. Many people don't have family, and aren't lonely. And whether or not your son has children in the future is also not relevant to whether you are lonely. "I can't see the point of living like this" is a massive overreaction, and honestly, rather insulting to people who have lots and lots less than you have and don't act like the world owes them something. You are being selfish - your family are not there to be your companions or your entertainment.

Would you be able to emigrate? Write down the pros and cons of life here and in Australia. Do you not have friends here? If your son and his wife have no children and things like school holidays to work round could they afford to visit if you went? How easy is it for a family to emigrate en masse?

I think this is why you should always focus on the people who are good to you and value you back rather than family purely because they are family. It doesn't sound like your family have ever made you a priority and it's always going to be a different dynamic with siblings you've not grown up with.

Do you have any good relationships with people outside your family?

I mean this kindly, as your pain at their actions shines through your writing, but i think you are allowing 11-year old you to control your reactions to this (or however old you were when you went to boarding school).

No matter how much it was the “right” decision at the time, you had to be alone in a strange new place with no friends or family (at least to begin with) whilst they all stayed together and went to an exciting new place. That must have deep down hurt. Now they are re-enacting that, and you are re-enacting your (natural) childhood reaction to it. Understandably, it was an astoundingly tone deaf decision by your parents.

Without that history, you would be a grown woman with adult children, friends, hobbies, job etc and her own life here, to whom your siblings’ house move was only of passing interest.

I don’t know what to suggest to help with the pain except to suggest counselling, as MN always does, to deal with your childhood feelings, and to be kind to yourself - acknowledge the hurt 11-year old you is feeling, and treat yourself gently for a while, but then realise you are not that child anymore and have agency over your own actions and decisions. If that means staying near your DS and DIL for you, then embrace that and the life that comes with it.

Please don't resent your DS for not providing you with GC.

My stepfather is Australian so they are all entitled to live there. My mother sent me to boarding school on his say so very young I didn't see my mother again for many years. I brought up my DS cometely alone and when they came back when they retired they wanted. E to do all kinds of things for them.ook after their 2nd home. Run around doing things for them. I had come to love my siings very much now they announce they are off. No discussion just cold facts after it was all arranged. Yes I have friends, I work full time and am well respected there but family is important. .y DS says I should just let it go they have never been there for us so who cares if they go. But I do care. It was so wonderful having a family again for those few years.

Similar situation happened to me. I massively underestimated the impact it would have on me, my ability, finances and logistics of visiting my family in their new country at the time. Long term although they have all gradually come back to the uk, the relationships have altered hugely on both sides. It is really divisive. I think the only thing you can do is work out why it is beneficial to them and think about how you grow a life without them.

Your DS is absolutely right. As devastated as you might feel you cannot expect others to be responsible for your happiness.
You have presumably had a lovely few years, cherish those memories and wish them well (whilst saving like mad for a visit!)
Nowadays it’s easy to keep in touch, it’s not as if you will never see or hear from them ever again!
My DS and his family are highly likely to leave the UK, I’ll health means I won’t be able to travel to see them but I fully intend to keep in touch, especially with my two dgcs.

💐 and good wishes

*ill health stupid iPad 🙄

Qantas do direct flights Heathrow to Perth - virus allowing - it's about a 12 hour flight - think of visiting quite often.

My parents emigrated to Australia over ten years ago, following my sister who'd moved there. They basically flounced off, burning bridges with wider family. I found out they were going when they accidentally let it slip in the midst of a rant about something. I do understand how you feel OP. I don't have anyone over this side of the world except for the family I've built myself. The thing is they aren't enjoying themselves at all over there. They've packed all their problems and brought them with them and have managed to become socially isolated and very unhappy. Their marriage has completely collapsed and they barely communicate with one another. It's so sad to witness from afar. My sister seemingly doesn't bother with them and finds them a burden. I know it's very hard but all you can do is build the best life for yourself 💐

Your first line is about boarding school and your childhood. I don't know how old you are now but I think if that is still uppermost in your mind now then it would be beneficial to talk to a therapist to help you come to terms with what you experienced - I'm not being rude I'm doing something similar for myself!

I think you are mixing how you felt as an 11 child (fear and rejection) and what is happening now.

And yearly visits can be worth it.

I'm so sad for you It must feel like they don't consider you family. I think some of the previous posters have been quite harsh if I'm honest.
It must feel particularly awful in covid times when we're cut off from our friends as well.
I think you are grieving twice over: once for the poor little girl who was sent to boarding school on your step-father's say so (and your mother who went along with it) and again now for the relationships that have been re-kindled.
I'm sorry. I wish I had more to offer than sympathy. It must hurt like hell. I can only suggest making the most of video calls and the like, if you want to, and maintaining friendships locally. Do you have the sort of friends who understand and will listen?

What did you do after boarding school?

tara66 Nonstop to Perth is 17 hours, not 12. Add upwards of 6 hours to get anywhere else in Australia in the likely event that they don’t move to Perth. That’s not a quick trip by any reckoning.

It must be hard seeing them go again after the circumstances you mention, but - How would you feel if it was YOU wanting to emigrate and your family were calling you selfish for breaking up the family? Would you stay? It's sad, I know, but people can't live their lives just to make you happy. You have said you won't go with them because you won't leave your son - that's your choice and it's a perfectly legitimate one but that's not your family's fault either.

Would you like to emigrate with your family if your son wasn't a consideration? Have you spoken to your son about it? I am sure he would be very upset if you did want to emigrate but weren't doing so because you didn't want to leave him. That is putting a lot of emotional baggage onto him. Or are you using him as an excuse? What happens if, in the future, your son decides to move abroad to another country... Will you try to guilt him into staying and call him selfish? That would simply not be fair.

How old were they when they were asking you to 'help out' did you end up doing a lot of childcare type stuff for your younger siblings?

YANBU to be sad about it, especially considering your background, but they're not being selfish.

They're just making the right choice for them and their family - they should get to live somewhere they're happy and on balance, they'd be happier in Australia. If your son told you he had a dream job in another country, would you tell him he was selfish for moving because he'd be leaving you?

I agree with @RubaiyatOfAnyone about this bringing up past feelings and also would recommend counselling.

Parental rejection, whatever way it’s dressed up, has a sting like no other and the relationship that you built with them in the intervening years is not enough to stop it taking your breath away when it comes back in a different guise. I speak from personal experience. For some, out of sight is out of mind and your mother made a very questionable choice which still rankles. With that back story, I’d feel hurt too

Please take heed of your DCs POV, they don’t seem to see the relationship as being as beneficial to you as it was to the others, and their perspective is interesting.

Whatever you decide to do, please remember that you are worthy of love and that your real loving family (DS) isn’t going anywhere.

I think it would be foolish to follow them to Australia (or indeed anywhere) if you did it seems as if you would find yourself alone but without your son who seems to be the only family member who is interested in you. Don't lose sight of what you have here in terms of work, friends etc these are things that you have achieved by yourself and you should be proud of that. This next bit will sound harsh but it is not meant to be - if they had wanted you to join them they would have suggested it. Good luck.

OP, I am so sorry.

This sounds like a second wave if the rejection that you experienced as a child.

Your mother chose your step father over you and us now prioritising her second family.

Have you ever had any counselling around what happened to you as a child?

Reading some threads on ‘elderly parents’ might give you a little help in the ‘hah! I won’t have my freedom compromised by care for my mother’ department!

Friends, community, throw yourself into other supportive networks,

I wish you luck, OP.

As soon as you mentioned much younger siblings it was obvious that there was a step father in the picture.

He obviously doesn't want you to be part of the family & your mother is OK with that!

Don't waste your energy hankering after people who don't want you-use it on those who deserve it!