So devastated that my family has gone

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I was sent to boarding school as a child while my family parents and much younger siblings went abroad to work, they finally came back to the UK when they retired early and I had a few years with them, the first time they had all been in the UK for 40 years.
I was just getting to know my nieces and nephews and feel happy having my siblings around.
Now they say they are all emigrating to Australia as the UK is so miserable and they won't be coming back, all of them.
I'll be left here again with my adult DS and pretty much nobody else. I can't go as my DS and his wife don't want to emigrate and I'm not leaving them.
I think it's so selfish, they are breaking up the entire family yet again and I could never afford to visit, yearly visits are pointless anyway, I won't see any of the kids growing up or be a part of their lives.
Just got a lonely old age to look forward to as my DS doesn't want any children.
I can't see the point of living like this. What would you do.

You are not overreacting to feel like you do. Your mother abandoned you as a child and to not even fly you out for holidays is appalling. Then back for a bit - then off again abandoning you again and bringing up the feelings and memories from your childhood.
They don't deserve your love and as others have said counselling would probably be beneficial for you. Your son loves you and you should focus on that. Your mother allowed your stepfather to basically remove you from your family all those years ago and I would be tempted to burn my bridges with her for good by telling her what an appalling thing that was for a mother to do for a man.

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Chewingle how can you say they are not being selfish? It would appear OP has very much been left behind most of her life and the mother has prioritised her family with the stepfather over the OP.[/quote]
But is not just the mother going back is it?

It’s siblings and their children too

@tara66
Hahah I’ve been on that flight and it’s 17 hours. 12 hours I wish!!

All my family emigrated to Australia and we still have a wonderful relationship once a year visit go a long way and FaceTime is amazing. They have to live their lives the way they want to. You need to take responsibility for your own life.

My family are all in Australia (siblings went independently, parents joined later). Up until last year I was ok with it, Covid puts a different slant on things. I can't do anything about it though, I don't have any rights to move there.

OP - that sounds very hard for you. I agree with a previous poster that you must (understandably) still have unaddressed feelings from feeling abandoned by your parent/s when you were young. That is a lot to deal with and it could help to address those feelings with a therapist.

It must be especially hard to have experienced the close proximity of extended family only to have that taken away again.

I missed this update:- "I think for my own mental health I need to just put this behind me, get some more cats and enjoy my relationship with my son and his wife. We are very close and have talked about moving in together with an annexe. DiL is ok about that. It means that we can pool funds and get a much bigger house together while keeping out of each others way. And I have lovely friends and a lot of hobbies."

It really sounds like you have love and deep friendship in your life. I wish you happiness for your future and hope you can find a way to put behind you what your mother did to you.

How old are your step siblings? I wouldnt have thought they can move as adults if they were born over here just because their dad is australian unless they have an australian passport already?

I wouldnt have thought they can move as adults if they were born over here just because their dad is australian

Children born outside Australia to an Australian citizen qualify for Australian citizenship by descent

It's not selfish to want the best for your family. Don't resent them for choosing to be happy.

I would be devastated if my own kids refused an opportunity because they feel they have to waste their life and stay for us!

Family is not just blood you know. You can make very deep friendship and have people in your life who matters as much, if not more.

Focus on the life YOU chose for yourself, meeting people who share the same interests, and as a bonus you can go visit family on holiday! It's a long flight, but with so much family there, you an easily plan a couple of months at a time without intruding.

I can't plan a holiday over there because I can't fly with my medical condition and a couple of months off isn't possible when you work full time. Max holiday I can get off at one time in a year is 2 weeks. They have made it quite clear they aren't coming back because of age and expense.
So it's a goodbye really. The siblings were born out there.
When I think about doing that to my son, well I would never do that, my son and DIL said they'd never emigrate as neither of them want to leave family over here.
I'm not sure they will be happy, they have spent years and years moving round the world and have never felt settled or happy anywhere.

@BoyTree

I have to admit, when my daughter is married, I don't expect her to expect me to stay in the country if I choose to emigrate, just as I wouldn't expect her to stay for me.

Would you really not be upset if she found a job, sold her house and booked flights before telling you?

I would be surprised, but no, not upset, she will be her own person and the only person she should discuss HER life with is her husband, then when she is decided what she wants to do, I would think she would tell me. And yes, even if I was to never see her in person again. I would be sad, of course, I love her with all my heart, she is my world, but I would NEVER stand in the way of her future, even if that broke my heart. I love her so much that I could never be so selfish as to try and make her stay and would support her and make the decision easier for her by telling her I would still be part of her life and see her over the internet, whatever it took to assuage any guilt. I would have absolutely no right to have a say in her life or to try and guilt her into staying. I would be exactly the same if it was my mum, dad and sister that were leaving. The happiness of my family comes way higher than what I may wish for. I'm sorry if that's hard to understand.

I can't believe your family did this to you.
My dd is a boarder but I see so much of her, I couldn't imagine not seeing her for years.
It must have hurt you badly.
I would want nothing more to do with them tbh. Keep in touch with siblings, but your parents sound awful.

Oh bloody hell op
That’s shite
I’m so sorry for you .
I’ve no family either ..
It’s really really hard ,I get the same where the slightest things seem huge ,I’ve a thread going at the moment where I’m stressed and everyone else says it’s normal ..it’s hard
We should start a club for people with no family ..
I’ve got my mum ,but she got dementia and in a care home ,and I didn’t see her for 20 years

I would be surprised, but no, not upset

And yes, even if I was to never see her in person again. I would be sad, of course

So you wouldn't be upset, but you would be sad, like the OP is.

I didn't ask about trying to guilt her or stand in her way - that's not what the OP has suggested. The rest of your posts reads as though you are assuming that is what the OP wants to do, so I'm going to assume that the references to selfishness and guilt were based on that misunderstanding of the OP's intent which she explained in her post of 8.33 this morning.

I really feel for you OP, I think that is a really difficult thing to deal with, and coming on top of the lifetime of the way they've treated you is really the final nail in the coffin. It's not remotely selfish to feel sad at the way things have gone.

On the upside your DS and DIL sound great, you have your job and friends and you have a future here you can look forward to.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I can't plan a holiday over there because I can't fly with my medical condition and a couple of months off isn't possible when you work full time. Max holiday I can get off at one time in a year is 2 weeks. They have made it quite clear they aren't coming back because of age and expense. So it's a goodbye really. The siblings were born out there. When I think about doing that to my son, well I would never do that, my son and DIL said they'd never emigrate as neither of them want to leave family over here. I'm not sure they will be happy, they have spent years and years moving round the world and have never felt settled or happy anywhere.

Your parents sound like utter cunts by the way.

I struggle with ADHD and they talk about object permanence in relationships. IT's something I'm learning about but I struggle to maintain any long distance relationships - I have family who have emigrated and am trying to reconcile my attitude towards it.

Not in the same league of hurt as you, Just thought you might be interested in the principle.

Them going will be like a grief, but life is for the living and those with you.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201808/are-your-loved-ones-out-sight-out-mind

You got very weird replies on the first few pages, not sure what's up with those posters. Your stepfather is a colossal cunt and your mother isn't much better, and they've treated you horribly since you were a child. As much as it hurts, try to let go and focus on your lovely son and daughter-in-law.

This sounds awful OP.

I completely understand why you’d be so hurt.

They’ve effectively rejected and forgotten about you twice. I especially can’t understand this from your mother

Please seek some therapy about this, and if you can make your feelings known to your mother more as a cathartic healing process for yourself -to almost unburden yourself and move on from it. Let her know that she emotionally and physically abandoned you as a child and is effectively doing the same now knowing that you won’t see each other again

The thing is, we only know one side of the story and whilst I have absolutely no doubt that the OP justifiably feels the way she does, I think we do have to remember that there may be another side to the story as to why things happened as they did. This does in no way invalidate the OP's feelings, obviously, but a lot of this happened a long time ago (being sent to boarding school) and we do not have the parents side as to why this happened, nor their reasons. We could just say "poor child was sent off to boarding school and abandoned by horrid mother there is no earthly reason and they are just uncaring scum". But we don't know the reasons and sadly, not every decision a parent make is going to be the right one, but most make decisions thinking that they are making the right ones at the time even if in hindsight they are not.

Oh please. OP's mother sent her boarding on her new husband's insistence, but kept the children from their marriage. OP had to spend her holidays with elderly relatives here, but not with her family and didn't see her mother for years. Her parents might not be callous, mean or uncaring but they certainly come across as very weak and self-centered.

I think really I would have liked to have been involved in the decision making process really,

I understand that you are upset they are going, but its their decision. Being involved in the decksion making is quite frankly none of your business.

What happened in the twenty-odd years between boarding school and their return to the UK?

We all make choices that affect other people and most of us would not change our minds because someone else disapproved or found it difficult.

@fondestmemories

shehasadiamondinthesky I am not surprised that this is triggering massive abandonment issues for you. I would imagine it would do the same for many people with a similar past. Another poster put it very well when they referred to your parent’s choice when you were younger as a tone deaf decision and you can see from how it has played out in your life, it was a very wrong choice for you.

I think this might be a perfect opportunity to recover from the trauma your parents obviously caused you and build yourself back up to what you want to be. I think you will have to accept that your mother particularly has let you down and maybe that is a pattern or maybe you are still just triggered by the past experiences and her mistake was a once off. Either way getting to a point of understanding will help you move forward with your life.

Agree with this. I think a lot of posters are ignoring the childhood trauma and responding as if you had a great relationship with your family until now whereas, in fact, your parents let you down very badly when you were a child.

No doubt, as a child, you fantasised about your family coming back to the UK and being reunited with them. It is natural that, having had that dream belatedly come true (even if the reunion wasn't as perfect as in your childhood fantasy), you are reacting badly to it being ripped away. It will trigger all the fears you had as a child about being sent away because you had done something wrong or were unworthy of love.

I know from personal experience how difficult it is to accept the gap between what you, as a child, had the right to expect from your parents, and what you actually got. But you have got to try to accept it, for your own mental health, otherwise you will always be at the mercy of your parents, who clearly do not make your interests a priority.

OP I’m so sorry for your heartache. I really am. Your situation is different to a normal family emigration one in that you haven’t had them around for long and that second abandonment, even in adulthood is not easy to cope with. You’re not a robot you’re a complex human with feelings.

I often feel on mumsnet they have odd relationships with their families so that as soon as they’re 16 they cut all emotional ties and a visit to the parents is just like visiting a neighbour. In the real world this would break anyone’s heart, not least someone who grew up without their family near.

Have you told your mother how this has affected you growing and and now this? I’m not meaning guilting her into staying but just asking her as one mother to another how she has felt through all of this. You’re not going to change their minds but they may be a bit more empathetic to your feelings and make more efforts to maintain a relationship if they understand where you’re coming from.

It’s no consolation but my mum does crap like this all the time (albeit not quite to the other side of the world). Knowing what she’s like doesn’t make it any easier when she up sticks and moves again after all the promises to be there as a mother or granny. It doesn’t stop my inner child hoping this time she means what she says. It takes a long of strength to let go, OP. It’s not strength I have yet and I probably never will. Sending nonmumsnet approved hugs.

We all make choices that affect other people and most of us would not change our minds because someone else disapproved or found it difficult

That comment is absolutely fine when you are talking about people who do not depend on you. Our responsibility towards our children when they are minors children things a lot.