So devastated that my family has gone

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I was sent to boarding school as a child while my family parents and much younger siblings went abroad to work, they finally came back to the UK when they retired early and I had a few years with them, the first time they had all been in the UK for 40 years.
I was just getting to know my nieces and nephews and feel happy having my siblings around.
Now they say they are all emigrating to Australia as the UK is so miserable and they won't be coming back, all of them.
I'll be left here again with my adult DS and pretty much nobody else. I can't go as my DS and his wife don't want to emigrate and I'm not leaving them.
I think it's so selfish, they are breaking up the entire family yet again and I could never afford to visit, yearly visits are pointless anyway, I won't see any of the kids growing up or be a part of their lives.
Just got a lonely old age to look forward to as my DS doesn't want any children.
I can't see the point of living like this. What would you do.

I agree with your DS, let them go. I am also sorry you were treated so horribly by your step father and mother.

Gosh OP, reading that they have said they have no intentions to come back for visits and they (presumably) know you are unable to fly changes things a bit.

Is it "just" your half siblings or is your mum also moving? Not sure anyone who twice desserts her child seemingly without looking back deserves that title tbh.

I'm glad you are close with your son and his wife and have good friends around you. Don't waste your energy or efforts on the other lot.

I feel for you OP.It must have been very traumatic to be "put" into BS at such a young age. You have had a good education ,and now a very good job and have brought up your DS to be a mature adult.These are all things to be proud of.Maybe you could visit them? If you move into a home with your Son and his wife ,then that would be marvellous for you.Maybe they will have DC maybe not nothing is certain .Many families are close and loving ,but many are not .Lots of posters on here are LC/NC with their families for various reasons .Maybe some Counselling would help you.? To come to terms with everything .

OP you sound lovely. Your son and his wife sound lovely.

Take it for what it is. You briefly experienced being part of a larger family and you cherished it.

A big hug. If I were you I would concentrate on your friends and hobbies. Show your son and daughter in law that you recognise their loyalty and kindness. Maybe let them know you are hurt or let your friends know.

At some point your mum is going to ask for help and you need to be prepared for what you will do/say. Really think and re think every so often so you are ready.

I don’t know what to say about your siblings though. They don’t have any blame really. I don’t know what I would do. I am a loyal person so would probably keep in contact.

I'm thinking that the siblings are adults & can go or not as they wish?

I suppose that they would have a stronger relationship with the parents they were brought up by than a half sibling, who lets face it was abandoned.

Can't imagine how they have squared their parents disgusting treatment of you though Op.

So sorry OP. You aren't overreacting at all, this is extremely hurtful and devastating.

This was so painful to read. You must be such a forgiving and lovely person to have allowed your mother and stepfather back into your life after they abandoned you as a child. They are horrific people.

I cannot imagine what you have been through and are now re-living. I don’t know what to suggest other than counselling.

I would be very tempted to tell your mother what a monster she is, but I’m not sure if that would help you or if it would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

So sorry that you have to deal with all of this, OP.

Your DS and SIL sound great and I'm glad you have good friends. I would definitely focus on them and let go of the rest of the family.

And even if you could fly, I wouldn't go and visit them.
By all means keep a cordial relationship, but if they go back or visit, I wouldn't want to become too close again.

Personally, people coming and going doesn't affect me much, but if you are affected, then it is best to keep to the people you can rely on.

@AlternativePerspective

Your stepfather being Australian wouldn’t give your siblings leave to emigrate iirc. It’s not the same as a family link, he’s not family to them even though he’s married to your mum.

So although she might be looking to emigrate, I would be very surprised if they would be able to follow.

I do totally understand how you feel, but tbh I would use this opportunity to make peace with the relationship you’ve had with your mum all your life, and the way she’s treated you. You actually deserve better.

I presume it is her half siblings, so his natural children, in which case yes he would pass his citizenship onto them but not the OP. I also presume Australia is where they lived for the 40 years they were not in the UK, meaning all the grandchildren are also Australian.

You say they’re breaking up the entire family.... but they are ALL going other than you and your DS (who doesn’t want to go anyway).

Sorry OP. Sad for you but certainly not selfish of them

I really feel for you OP. To be honest, I think your family have treated you badly your whole life. it must be extremely painful to have felt good that your family were back and you were becoming a part of that family, only for them to all piss off again together and you being left behind. It must bring up a lot of painful feelings from your childhood. You are completely reasonable to feel very hurt and abandoned by this. I can't imagine that anyone would not, who had a childhood like yours.

Be proud of your superb relationship with your son and his wife, and in the life you have built up. Put your energy into the people who have proved they care for you.

Does your mother already have Australian citizenship or a visa? If not she will need to apply for a partner visa I believe ( although may be wrong).

My heart hurts for you but You do sound like you've created your own beautiful family with a loving caring son and DiL.
I say all this below in hopes it makes you feel less like your family of origin has got some kind of dream life lined up OP.
Instagram isn't real. I live here and Australia's just an ordinary country where most people are working their guts out, struggling thru traffic, and sitting inside watching reality tv. I know lots of British people who are horribly homesick and find our insular unsociable cities very bleak in comparison to the UK. It's too hot to go outside most of the summer, property prices and rents are insane, half the country catches on fire once a year, the chief law officer is an alleged rapist, and good luck to your family getting on a plane because our borders are closed and there are 30,000 Australian citizens stranded overseas who can't get on flights for love or money (even the ones who have a handy $10k for a single business class seat). I doubt they'll be able to leave blighty anytime soon.

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

You need to tell your Mum just what her decisions have done to you.

You will not stop her from leaving but if you never say you piece before they go then you will regret it.

I'm so sorry OP, but your happiness is not dependent on your parents and siblings. Do you have a partner? Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies?

Your life is what you build. You are not that child at boarding school anymore - they don't dictate your life path!

Agree with this. You must be holding a lot of pain inside

@Chewingle how can you say they are not being selfish? It would appear OP has very much been left behind most of her life and the mother has prioritised her family with the stepfather over the OP.

@BoyTree

How would you feel if it was YOU wanting to emigrate and your family were calling you selfish for breaking up the family?

Perhaps she would have discussed it with her family and let them know that it was a consideration rather than enjoying the benefits of having family around when it suits them, then planning to bog off to the other side of the world without mentioning it until it's a done deal.

I really don't believe that a move abroad is something to be discussed with extended family (in opposition to a 'family unit' of people living together).

@BoyTree

But what difference would telling her they were considering it make, or even if they discussed it with her?

I'm really surprised that you don't feel there is a difference! It seems to obvious to me, so it's intriguing to have the insight from the other side!

I imagine it would have made the OP feel included in the process of deciding instead of, once again, giving the impression that they are "the family" and that the OP is an inconvenient reminder of a previous life that they can drop like a hot stone when they choose to.

I think there's a huge difference between a family where the idea of moving to the other side of the world is discussed between all members, and a family where most of the members make a massive decision and then present it to one single member once the decision is made. Maybe that's why I feel more strongly sympathetic to the OP and you see her family's view more clearly.

I genuinely don't... I do understand where you are coming from, but if they had sat her down and said they were thinking about emigrating again and what were her thoughts and she said she didn't want them to go, they still would have gone and the OP would have felt even more rejected as they knew she didn't want them to go.

The thing is, we only know one side of the story and whilst I have absolutely no doubt that the OP justifiably feels the way she does, I think we do have to remember that there may be another side to the story as to why things happened as they did. This does in no way invalidate the OP's feelings, obviously, but a lot of this happened a long time ago (being sent to boarding school) and we do not have the parents side as to why this happened, nor their reasons. We could just say "poor child was sent off to boarding school and abandoned by horrid mother there is no earthly reason and they are just uncaring scum". But we don't know the reasons and sadly, not every decision a parent make is going to be the right one, but most make decisions thinking that they are making the right ones at the time even if in hindsight they are not.

Also, I don't know how old the OP is, but she is clearly at least middle aged if she has an adult, married son. I have to admit, when my daughter is married, I don't expect her to expect me to stay in the country if I choose to emigrate, just as I wouldn't expect her to stay for me. She is married with her own life that she can do with as she wishes, she has no claims to dictate what I do with mine! That is unbelievably selfish, expecting someone to give up their life for your happiness. What about their happiness?

If this post was reversed (and I believe there has been one - wasn't me by the way!) and a woman with a family was saying they wanted to move overseas but their mother was kicking up a fuss and saying she didn't want them to go and they were abandoning her, she would be slated as a mean, controlling old cow to be ignored and that the poster should go and cut all contact with the manipulative old bat! And that you can't live your life for someone else!

Hi OP, that is a tough one. I am really surprised at how little they thought of the affect on you that they did not prewarn you and keep you in the loop.

I think that you are best off continuing here as others have suggested - a bird in the hand etc.

However, I would say to your mum and stepdad that you hope to get out there for a month (say around Christmas) each year or whenever you can afford the flight. Ask them is it ok if you might stay with them in their house if it has the size. That would reduce the cost and you could hopefully save for the flight over the year.

A lot of families only see each other once a year and I think you should at least give it a try.

Would you consider part time in each country? It’s not an option for many people due to work and accommodation costs but I do know a couple of people who’ve done it - 4-6 months in each country every year. A lot of people do it once they retire, in the US it’s called “snow burning” as the idea is you spend the winter somewhere warm and sunny.

@notalwaysalondoner the OP has said she can't fly due to health reasons so assume that option would not be possible

Sorry to hear this. They sound pretty horrible and uncaring people anyway, your parents at least.

I have to admit, when my daughter is married, I don't expect her to expect me to stay in the country if I choose to emigrate, just as I wouldn't expect her to stay for me.

Would you really not be upset if she found a job, sold her house and booked flights before telling you?

Whoops - posted too soon. I meant to add
'Even if that meant that she was never going to see you again?!'

Yanbu, given your history with your mother, this is just another punch in the gut, I can absolutely understand why you're devastated.

Focus on your lovely son and daughter-in-law, they're absolutely right, they don't deserve your love.

Keep in touch with the little ones, as someone else said, you can be the fun aunt with little gifts and video calls. You may not be able to physically see them but you can be involved in their growing up.

Who knows, maybe one day your mother and siblings will understand how utterly cruelly you've been treated your entire life and apologise. But if not, you'll have your real family around you here in the UK.

I really don't believe that a move abroad is something to be discussed with extended family (in opposition to a 'family unit' of people living together).

But it's the extended family moving! Parents, children and grandchildren, excluding one set. And they are stating that they will not return, knowing that the OP can't fly to see them.

I find that really sad, and I am really surprised that there are apparently a significant number of parents that would choose to never see their adult children or grandchildren again and not mention it to them until the flights were booked.