So devastated that my family has gone

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I was sent to boarding school as a child while my family parents and much younger siblings went abroad to work, they finally came back to the UK when they retired early and I had a few years with them, the first time they had all been in the UK for 40 years.
I was just getting to know my nieces and nephews and feel happy having my siblings around.
Now they say they are all emigrating to Australia as the UK is so miserable and they won't be coming back, all of them.
I'll be left here again with my adult DS and pretty much nobody else. I can't go as my DS and his wife don't want to emigrate and I'm not leaving them.
I think it's so selfish, they are breaking up the entire family yet again and I could never afford to visit, yearly visits are pointless anyway, I won't see any of the kids growing up or be a part of their lives.
Just got a lonely old age to look forward to as my DS doesn't want any children.
I can't see the point of living like this. What would you do.

I can see why you feel crapped on by them from a great height and for a second time too, but..... as PPs have said this is the time to stick a finger up and get on with it. Australia may not be the paradise they expect it to be and if they were here getting old, looking at the dynamic thus far it is evident you would be seen as chief arse wiper! Take those little positives and build on them, choosing carefully who you remain in touch with over there.

I have very little family left now but I barely think about it. You can have a great life without them.

I have very little family left now but I barely think about it. You can have a great life without them.

I am the same with my family of origin and my family’s breakdown was extremely traumatic for me too but as per the pp you can certainly get over and choose to have a great life without them.

My mum moved country with a new partner and their kids when I was about 12, leaving me with quite a dodgy upbringing. I was able to visit frequently though.

She wrote to me and apologised 30 years later.

The past is the past, this is YOUR LIFE op, you matter and you only get one shot.

So yes, counselling, maybe telling your mum how you feel, if you can do this without bitterness, just expressing sadness (are you worried what the impact would be of telling her? could you take that? After all, it's the truth. how you feel matters, even if just to you). I really feel for you, Australia is a bit of a British curse imo for those left behind.

There is no right or wrong here, it is what it is. you have to live your own life without letting this colour the rest of your days. you can't deny the hurt but you can make the best of it.

I think that's the way to go thanks.

OP there's such a big history here. You were abandoned early on, really, and never fully part of this family. This must be so painful and I think you're completely justified in your feelings but you're probably never going to get the level of love and understanding from any of them that you'd like. Have you had any therapy to help you come to terms with all of this? I mean the whole history, not just the current situation. I feel for you, I really do.

I’m sorry OP. This is hurtful

I really feel for you too. I think perhaps focusing on your Ds and his wife, your friends and interests here is key. Try and wish them well emigrating but lower their importance in your mind. You never know, one of your half siblings may end up coming back to the UK. I lived in Australia for a while and yes it's sunny but once you get used to that life is pretty similar to anywhere tbh.

@Whenwillow

I'm so sad for you It must feel like they don't consider you family. I think some of the previous posters have been quite harsh if I'm honest. It must feel particularly awful in covid times when we're cut off from our friends as well. I think you are grieving twice over: once for the poor little girl who was sent to boarding school on your step-father's say so (and your mother who went along with it) and again now for the relationships that have been re-kindled. I'm sorry. I wish I had more to offer than sympathy. It must hurt like hell. I can only suggest making the most of video calls and the like, if you want to, and maintaining friendships locally. Do you have the sort of friends who understand and will listen?

This. ^

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I am so sorry for you, because it really seems like your 'family' simply don't care about you. I don't think they dislike you; they are just so focussed on themselves that you don't figure in their everyday plans. You are quite low on their list of priorities.

As that poster says ^ it must hurt like hell, but you are not the first to be treated like this by 'family' and you need to try and focus on what you have here, and to hell with them. They are also hilariously deluded if they think life is going to be so wonderful in Australia (compared to the UK.) The grass isn't always greener and so on.......

Personally, I think ANYone moving 10,000 miles away - permanently - doesn't give a shit about about the people they are leaving behind. They can say 'ooh it's for a new life, and it's up to us, it's our life yada yada...' But I don't see how you can move so far away, unless you have no-one here who means anything to you. And as I said, it's hilarious that they think life will be any better. For most people who move to Australia or NZ (from the UK,), it isn't. For many, it is worse.

If someone of close kin to me moved away to Australia or NZ, then it would be game over for me when it comes to making an effort to keep up contact, and like fuck would I ever be visiting them. If they chose to move away so far, then I'd wash my hands of them. Yeah, that's what I said! They clearly didn't give a shit about me when they fucked off to the other side of the world, so that would be it for me.

So sorry, Op. in your shoes I would be devastated. It's like they scapegoated you. Are all your other siblings your stepfather's?

Sounds like your family is here to me....... You aren't missing out.

"You need to tell your Mum just what her decisions have done to you.

You will not stop her from leaving but if you never say you piece before they go then you will regret it."

This ^

Also, I wouldn't take care of any of their business anymore and wi not be their 'contact' in the uk or their administrator. I know its difficult op, but I think what your DS is saying is right. They weren't ever there for you, so you need to let go. Dont even go to the airport. Make other plans for that day. I don't blame them for wanting to emigrate to Aus , if I could I would too, but sending you to boarding school while they lived abroad playing happy families is very sad and unfair. It's not your siblings or your step fathers fault imo even though your step dad could have been more considerate of your feelings , your dm is to blame as you are first and furmost her biological daughter and she should have been there for you and looked out for you . She is a very weak woman and she should be told so. She listened to her new man and did something equivalent to dumping a kitten in a cattery for the sake of her new man and new family. Let her go but only after telling her how she has made you feel and hopefully she will live the rest of her life in sunny Australia regretting how she has treated you all your life. I am so annoyed for you.

❤️❤️❤️

I can definitely understand the depth of your sadness.

Your mother failed you in a very extreme way all those years ago, which would have had a devastating impact on you through the years, and all those feelings of rejection are coming back now.

Listen to your son. Keep him and your DIL close - they are your true family.

💐

Are you siblings adults now? If they are I'm surprised they all want to leave together!

This is a real shame for you and I can see why you're so hurt. I think you're right to focus on your son and your friends here.

Yes, your family is here. Your ds sounds kind and having a decent dil seems like the golden ticket! (She clearly isn’t on MN....)

And I agree with pp, don’t let yourself be guilted/dragged into looking after their affairs here. They can sort themselves out.

Ah I do think this is sad for you, as you sound like you had forged bonds with your family after years of not seeing them so you are understandably fed up. It sounds though as if their behaviour is quite selfish and that’s really hard to come to terms with. Yes to counselling as previous posters have suggested.

Are any of your siblings individually more ‘worth’ keeping up the effort with if they moved? Is there one perhaps who you could Zoom regularly, phone call, keep in contact with, WhatsApp pics of kids etc, who would be more receptive to that relationship, as a starting point? Might help you not feel resentful towards whole family when they move. And keeping one great relationship going will be fulfilling and worth saving for a holiday for?

*You need to tell your Mum just what her decisions have done to you.

You will not stop her from leaving but if you never say you piece before they go then you will regret it.*

I do agree with this too. Your mother probably won’t be able to hear because she does sound like a very weak woman and so is likely to use all sorts of ego defences no to hear it, but saying your truth is very powerful for stopping it from being your burden to carry and passing it back to where it belongs.

Someone upthread wrote about not being bitter/resentful but I wouldn’t worry about that, as long as you let any of these emotions and any others that arise from this pass through you, you won’t remain that way forever. It is part of grieving for the huge loss you have experienced.

RuledByNine The "dream" lifestyle posted on FB is somewhat misleading! Many people over there are working long hours ,and just take a few pics on IA ,post them OL and then go back to staying out of the sun, or waiting until they have finished work to go to the beach when in some places its dark! Many families who have emigrated find it hard to settle and my friend at School in the 70s/80s went out twice with her parents and came back here twice!

This is awful. I would ignore the rest of them but tell your mum exactly what she's done to you and how it's made you feel.

I wouldn't be doing any admin work or anything like that for them at all. No helping them pack or helping with changing addresses or whatever else it is they try to put on you. No way.

You sound close to your son and if they are genuinely happy to have you go stay there then maybe do that and look at it as your own fresh start.

Your first line is about boarding school and your childhood. I don't know how old you are now but I think if that is still uppermost in your mind now then it would be beneficial to talk to a therapist to help you come to terms with what you experienced - I'm not being rude I'm doing something similar for myself!

Boarding School Syndrome is a thing and i echo that i think therapy might help.

Good luck, OP, it does feel like a massive slap in the face of rejection, but you can't control what they do.

It's the same in my family as all of my family emigrated and there is only me and my children left here, my parents emigrated after their siblings emigrated. One of my children has moved over 400 miles away and there is only one at home now who will be off next year to wherever they go. It's very hard OP and you have my sympathies.

I'm so sorry they're doing this and in such a callous way. It's staggering really.

OP I know they're your family - "family" - but they're not nice people. Nobody nice behaves like that.

And my goodness, the boarding school situation is heartbreaking, especially as you don't know your father.

Your son sounds like a lovely man who has married a lovely woman. He was brought up by you, without your family's involvement. He reflects you. You're nothing at all like your other blood relatives, never mind your mother. Someone said she was "weak". Indeed. That is however, the kindest word that can be used for what she did to you.

You're allowed to hurt about this. It's horribly, horrifically painful. Maybe try to allow yourself some time to feel the pain and grieve, but also have things planned with other people who care about you.

If you were my friend, I'd want you to tell me this by the way. Don't try to do this alone, because from the sounds of things you're a lovely person with people who care about you. They just have different DNA.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My stepfather is Australian so they are all entitled to live there. My mother sent me to boarding school on his say so very young I didn't see my mother again for many years. I brought up my DS cometely alone and when they came back when they retired they wanted. E to do all kinds of things for them.ook after their 2nd home. Run around doing things for them. I had come to love my siings very much now they announce they are off. No discussion just cold facts after it was all arranged. Yes I have friends, I work full time and am well respected there but family is important. .y DS says I should just let it go they have never been there for us so who cares if they go. But I do care. It was so wonderful having a family again for those few years.

It was so wonderful having a family again for those few years.

This is the core of it isn't it? you missed them, you missed the warmth, and you'll miss it again.

I'm sorry, some choices lead to very hard situations.

Vent here all you want.

I can see why you are hurt OP. However, you are lucky to have a great relationship with your son and DIL. There are so many tales on here of toxic MIL/DIL issues that you should be proud that you have managed to negotiate that sometimes very difficult relationship. It is an indication of your great parenting skills, ones that sadly you didn't inherit from your mother.

What she did to you as a child was dreadful, and now history is repeating itself. Listen to your son, show him that you value his opinion. He has it right.

Tell your mother before she leaves (in a letter if you can't face her directly) exactly what impact her actions have had on you. She needs to be aware, and it seems that is what she lacks - awareness.

Make plans for the future with your lovely self made family. Move on and try to put the hurt behind you. Maybe some counselling would help?

You can keep in touch with your siblings, but on your terms, via Skype etc, but invest your emotional energy into your son and DIL, who love you and who will be there for you.

I usually wouldn't advocate for telling your parents how being sent to boarding school hurt you, but in this case (especially if you're expected to act for them in the UK for anything) it would definitely help you to lay it out, factually and as far as possible without emotion, to your mum. That this is a 2nd abandonment (and that she need not come running to you if things go tits up).

It sounds like you have a good network of friends and your DS seems sensible. Good luck.

Oh bless you, it will be ok. You could plan to go over there maybe once a year and spend a good chunk of time there eg a few weeks. That would be really nice quality time with them.