So devastated that my family has gone

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I was sent to boarding school as a child while my family parents and much younger siblings went abroad to work, they finally came back to the UK when they retired early and I had a few years with them, the first time they had all been in the UK for 40 years.
I was just getting to know my nieces and nephews and feel happy having my siblings around.
Now they say they are all emigrating to Australia as the UK is so miserable and they won't be coming back, all of them.
I'll be left here again with my adult DS and pretty much nobody else. I can't go as my DS and his wife don't want to emigrate and I'm not leaving them.
I think it's so selfish, they are breaking up the entire family yet again and I could never afford to visit, yearly visits are pointless anyway, I won't see any of the kids growing up or be a part of their lives.
Just got a lonely old age to look forward to as my DS doesn't want any children.
I can't see the point of living like this. What would you do.

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Chewingle how can you say they are not being selfish? It would appear OP has very much been left behind most of her life and the mother has prioritised her family with the stepfather over the OP.[/quote]
Sadly, this is quite common. A woman re-marrying, and having kids with her new man, and neglecting the (usually grown/almost grown) children from her first marriage. Men also do it.. Re-marry, have kids with the new woman, and turn their back on their children with their first wife.

Horrible way to treat people.

A friend of mine had this happen. (I will call her Lisa... ) She is 35 now, and her mother re-married when she was 16, and had a son with her new husband within a year. After that, she basically acted like Lisa didn't exist. Lisa moved 3 counties away (100 miles) for uni, and stayed there as she didn't feel wanted in her home town.

She tried to maintain contact, but got nothing back. Her mother, mother's husband, and half-brother, moved to France when she was 21 and never looked back. They never even went to her Graduation.

When Lisa was 33 (and her half brother was 16,) her half brother tragically died. Her mother and mother's husband split up within a year. Her mother moved back to the UK after another year, and has been feverishly trying to re-ignite her relationship with Lisa. Sadly, it's too late, and Lisa has moved on. She got married at 28, and had 2 kids by 31.

Her mother went 'No-Contact' with her when she chose her new husband, and her son, and Lisa doesn't want to know her now.

Can't say I blame her. It's awful that her mother lost her son, but I think it's pretty bad that she only wants a relationship with Lisa now...

It's totally understandable how sad you are.

You say your son and DIL might get a joint house with you? I think that would be fantastic and you are lucky they are willing to do this. Make sure you have good separation between your and their areas to ensure harmony in the future.

You have been unlucky in the past but in the future things should be decent. It is a great asset to have friends and hobbies.

Good luck for the future, even if it is not to be as you hoped.

My father is not British, but was entitled to a UK passport through his mother. When his father died young his mother settled in the UK. My mother is Australian, met my father in the UK and they went to Australia just after my older brother was born.

My father never really settled in Australia, and even refused citizenship when it was offered. When I was nearly 10 he started getting jobs abroad - we travelled with him until I was 14 and it became obvious our education was becoming badly affected. At that time we were in the UK. My father was still taking jobs abroad and my mother deeply resented the fact that she couldn't go with him - back when I was 10 it was talked about putting us in boarding school but there were 3 of us and my parents weren't willing to pay 3 sets of fees (even though my father was earning a fortune).

After yet more going back and forth (and sadly I paid for some of it) after my father left when I was 21, when I was 30 my mother finally settled back in Australia. I'm in the UK, deliberately, as I find my mother impossible to deal with. Neither myself or my two brothers have had any children of our own.

My older brother (encouraged by his wife, who had a 'normal' upbringing) has now told my mother how crap our childhood was. Unfortunately it did not lead to a Damascene insight for mother - in fact, she now ridicules my brother for it. In her eyes, as we weren't beaten or starved as children, we should be grateful.

From what you've posted, I think your mother might react much the same way. I'd concentrate on your good family life with your son and his wife.

I’m so sorry OP. I can’t begin to imagine how you must have felt as a child. And to have this recur now is unbelievably cruel. Thoughtless more than malicious but no less painful for you.

I’m really struck by how open and loving you seem to be despite this childhood experience. You are prioritising the relationship with your ds and not repeating history (even vaguely). Your maternal instincts are sound.

And in struck by how open you’ve been in building relationships with your family. You have been exceptionally unfortunate in your original family. But please know that it’s not you that is lacking or somehow unloveable.

What was it like in your boarding school? What were the relatives that you stayed with like? I don’t want to be trite in saying that you should look for the positive in your life experiences, because for now you need to grieve.

Ultimately what pp’s and your ds are saying is correct but it’s much easier for people who haven’t been traumatised by childhood rejection to be sanguine about these things. For now it’s important to acknowledge your hurt and grieve for what’s happening now and for your childhood self.

Unfortunately it did not lead to a Damascene insight for mother - in fact, she now ridicules my brother for it

It almost never does with the type of people who would be inclined to engage in that type of behaviour noir

In saying that it often still can be very unburdening for some people to still say how they feel about their experiences in spite of the reaction it gets. If they are not doing it to try to effect any change in behaviour which is unlikely to follow anyway.

How does your brother feel about having said it?

But you are so right ultimately you do need to concentrate on the good people in your life and leave behind people who are hurting you.

@fondestmemories He's gone virtually NC with her now. I think - like myself - he didn't realise how bad things had actually been when we were kids until he had friends and a wife, who had had happy, normal childhoods with parents who love them and put them first as children.

My mother now paints herself as the victim of my terrible father...which is a pile of horseshit. She willingly went along with - and in fact was the instigator - for a lot of the selfish decisions they made. She put herself and her marriage above her children. She's now bitter and angry as that ultimately blew up in her face (my father left her for another woman, that 30 years later he's still married to).

I'm so sorry OP. It's quite normal, as an adult as well as as a child, to ... want to have a mother who loves us. Not someone who's ok with missing most of your childhood and, indeed, the rest of your life!

You say you have a serious mental illness but your plan to enjoy the friends and family who do love you (and get more cats) seems spot-on to me.

I had a (very vaguely) similar thing in that my Dad would be nice enough to me at family gatherings but never exhibited any active desire to spend time with the kids as people. He moved several counties away (just after my sister had had kids) (clearly prioritizing being a grandad, not) and then when she moved her family to the same town, moved house again. "Tone-deaf" very much so. But when I looked into his childhood - there you go, BS and nanny from a young age, then ended up living with relations who very obviously saw him as an unwanted burden. He'd literally never seen how a normal happy family works. The adults just did what they liked and the kids had to do what they were told...

Was the upbringing of your Mum & StepDad a bit like that by any chance?

I found it was a bit easier to accept how Dad was once I understood why.

I think you'll find that your nieces and nephews may come back in their twenties to work and travel.
Maybe try to save for one long visit to see them in two years, so that you have it to look forward to. Stay connected with weekly zoom calls and WhatsApp groups.

I can understand how you feel. However, lots of people don't love close to family or are able to see them. I spent 10 years without seeing my siblings because they lived on the other side of the world and with kids and jobs and all of us going to see our parents at different times, it just never coincided.

But I have a great network of friends, my kids, my job and my life, so all good.

When it comes to some quite serious family hurt where abandonments were the root of the issues, never was there such a moment of weight being lifted from my shoulders as in the moment where I finally uttered the words "fuck them". Fuck them, fuck theirs and fuck the donkey they rode in on.

Not going to lie, it's hard to get there but you can't force people to be what you want them to be so you have to try to protect yourself, particularly when you are talking about people like your family. They have treated you in the most thoughtless hurtful manner. The pain you must have gone through over and over again is almost unthinkable to a lot of decent people.

My advice, free yourself of them. Don't think of it as them abandoning you, think of it as you abandoning them. You seem like a loving, kind and very loyal person. They don't deserve you because they sure as heck don't seem to appreciate you as much as you do deserve. Do not help them with their move. Do not help them after their move when problems arise with the things they will invariably forget to do before they go. Fuck them. Fuck them with knobs on.

He is my half siblings dad. I don't know who my own father is

@Shehasadiamondinthesky this jumped out to me, is this something that you have explored finding out about your biological father and his family? Do you have any information at all? I'm not suggesting some Disney ending for you where you find your bio dad and everything is right with the world, but it might help to fill in some family "blank spot" for you to discover more about your other family background.

You have suffered so much loss and rejection from a young age from your mother and step dad, that I think some counselling to deal with that as well as any figuring out your father's side of the story may bring some sense of wholeness to you. Whatever happens it sounds like you have a lovely son, who is a credit to you and a good DIL too, as well as strong friendships in life, I hope you find peace and happiness. I would heed your son's advice to let these people go, they were never really there anyway, do not chase about after them or run errands when convenient for them. Let them handle their own business.

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable, OP, despite what some people have said to you here.

It's completely normal and expected to feel sad and lost at the thought of most of your family moving thousands of miles away. Especially when they didn't involve you in the decision and appear not to care.

It doesn't mean you want them to remain somewhere they are unhappy or change their plans. It just means you are human - feeling hurt and you've got every right to feel that emotion.

Give yourself a pat on the back for all that you have achieved for yourself - a good relationship with your son and his wife, good friends and a career.

Wishing you a happy future.

Im so sorry OP

I think you need time to grieve and accept it, maybe have counselling. Ultimately, friends can be the family you choose for youself. No one can ever count on anyone always being there, really. It's a good time to figure out what you really want and discover some new directions. You can still talk to them on video if you want to, or have lovely holidays there to visit them. They might hate it and come back, yet.

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable, OP, despite what some people have said to you here.

It's completely normal and expected to feel sad and lost at the thought of most of your family moving thousands of miles away.

Of course it's not selfish or unreasonable, but neither are they!

Especially when they didn't involve you in the decision and appear not to care. good grief, WHO gets their sibling involved in life changing decision, do you consult yours when you get married, accept a job overseas or relocate? That's just weird!
You can involve the children currently living with you who have to move too, but it's no one else's business.

Yes you miss people, but it's unreasonable to expect them to put their life on hold or give it up entirely for you.

....but she doesn't want them to give up their plans or put their lives on hold. She's simply hurt.

good grief, WHO gets their sibling involved in life changing decision

The OP’s siblings and her parents actually did exactly that and they didn’t include OP in the process because they appear with past and current behaviour to treat OP as a lesser member of the family. Furthermore this pattern of behaviour is established since her childhood when her parents chose to segregate her from her family by putting her in boarding school while they moved abroad and did not organise to meet up for holidays.

I am pretty sure that is why the OP is unhappy about the situation.

the parents are one thing

but siblings? It's natural to be sad, no one is saying it isn't, but they are doing nothing wrong, or showing any wrong family dynamic.

@therealteamdebbie have you missed the bit where the OP was left at boarding school, not even seeing the family during holidays. It then appears that the family didn’t reintegrate her after her schooling had finished.

They then used her for childcare etc when they finally allowed her to be part of the family.

user737, an excellent post. And also fondest’s v helpful insight.

Take your time OP, you will come through.

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@therealteamdebbie have you missed the bit where the OP was left at boarding school, not even seeing the family during holidays. It then appears that the family didn’t reintegrate her after her schooling had finished.

They then used her for childcare etc when they finally allowed her to be part of the family.[/quote]
you can't blame other siblings for the parents choices, the other kids has as little to say in in it than the op did.

I'm so sorry for what you went through as a child. Getting over that kind of abandonment by your own mother must be extremely hard. Your Son sounds wonderful, as you've said yourself, put your focus on him and maybe seek out some counselling.

I'm so sorry you were abandoned by your mum as a child. You did not deserve this no child does