So devastated that my family has gone

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I was sent to boarding school as a child while my family parents and much younger siblings went abroad to work, they finally came back to the UK when they retired early and I had a few years with them, the first time they had all been in the UK for 40 years.
I was just getting to know my nieces and nephews and feel happy having my siblings around.
Now they say they are all emigrating to Australia as the UK is so miserable and they won't be coming back, all of them.
I'll be left here again with my adult DS and pretty much nobody else. I can't go as my DS and his wife don't want to emigrate and I'm not leaving them.
I think it's so selfish, they are breaking up the entire family yet again and I could never afford to visit, yearly visits are pointless anyway, I won't see any of the kids growing up or be a part of their lives.
Just got a lonely old age to look forward to as my DS doesn't want any children.
I can't see the point of living like this. What would you do.

That’s really sad, it sounds like you feel rejected for the 2nd time, quite understandably
You say family is important, it can be but many people get along fine without one or with just 1 or 2 people. You have a son it sounds like you are close to, a job, home, friends. Try and focus on that instead of these people who seem to dip in and out of your life when it suits them
And you never know, your DS might have dc (although dont count on it). I was never having any and now I’ve got 2

I do have a serious mental illness, similar symptoms as schizophrenia. I manage to work full time with it but find it difficult to process emotions properly so a lot of things feel like a massive disaster to me when a normal person might just think hey ho let's get on with life so that's really why I was asking WWYD in this situation so I have something to measure my feelings against and see if I'm over reacting. It wasn't meant to be a pity party. I often prefer to ask on here as its fairly anonymous.

Stepfather is Australian - so he’s basically going home. It’s so difficult to be married to someone from a different country/continent/hemisphere as one of you is always going to be living abroad. Couple this with the fact that they’ve only returned to Britain since retiring (so presumably living in a country where they were both abroad before this) and you can see it’s complicated. I’m willing to bet a move to Australia won’t be the recipe for happiness they’re hoping for - it’s unlikely to be that simple. I wonder how your younger siblings feel about moving to Oz? Totally get that it feels hurtful (especially having been packed off to boarding school and having to make your own way while they were out of the country), but in your shoes I would be focusing on your own family, friends and career here and saving up for a visit. Who’s to say they (or their kids) won’t be back anyway?

How would you feel if it was YOU wanting to emigrate and your family were calling you selfish for breaking up the family?

Perhaps she would have discussed it with her family and let them know that it was a consideration rather than enjoying the benefits of having family around when it suits them, then planning to bog off to the other side of the world without mentioning it until it's a done deal.

I’m sorry OP but I don’t blame them. Seeing lots of Instagram videos of smiley happy people working out on bondi beach in beautiful sunshine. If I could get in I’d go tomorrow. This country is shit. Locked into class war and royalty and misogyny. Expensive and shit weather. The main activities are going to Tesco and Halfords. Too fucking boring. If your DS doesn’t want to go that’s his choice but he’s an adult and doesn’t need you so if you want to be near family you’ll have to go. Or build more family by fostering or go work in a school or build up a friendship group. Bleating on about woe is me isn’t going to change anything. I think your family will have a brilliant time and I don’t blame them

It’s a very sad situation, but a family has to follow their dreams and wants, and cant remain in a lifestyle situation that makes them miserable, just to please another person. That doesn’t make it easier to accept I know, but the decision has been made, and you have to make a plan. Trips over there are very worthwhile, and if they make reciprocal visits back here, you will get to see them fairly regularly.

Ok. You’re not overreacting. They have not considered you once again which hurts. You can’t change other people’s behaviour so you leave them to it and focus on YOU and building more of the happiness that you deserve.
A favourite quote- don’t let someone be a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.

Your stepfather being Australian wouldn’t give your siblings leave to emigrate iirc. It’s not the same as a family link, he’s not family to them even though he’s married to your mum.

So although she might be looking to emigrate, I would be very surprised if they would be able to follow.

I do totally understand how you feel, but tbh I would use this opportunity to make peace with the relationship you’ve had with your mum all your life, and the way she’s treated you. You actually deserve better.

Your son sounds like he has his head screwed on and the measure of them. Which is a positive reflection on you and your parenting.

I echo a previous poster, your feelings are entirely understandable and the almost repeat of what happened to you as a child make the situation hurtful.

However, you can't and shouldn't want to control their actions. All you can do is manage your own. I agree that maybe some therapy would be helpful for you - do you see anyone about your condition who could support you?

The best outcome for you would be making peace with their move, treasuring the good memories of the time you had with them here, maybe planning the trip of a lifetime to see them when you can (your nieces and nephews can show you round their new towns) and living your own fulfilling life with your friends and son here.

I’m of a different mind set here, @Shehasadiamondinthesky.
Fuck them! They come across as a really shit family! Especially your mum who was happy to ship you off to boarding school for her “new” family?! Nah, did that for a game of soldiers. Then they all used you when they wanted something.
I agree wholeheartedly with your son!
Let them go.
I’m so sorry you’re in pain over this though. It must be very difficult and bringing back old feelings of abandonment. I wish you well.

I think they are half siblings so the sdad IS their Dad

It’s absolutely understandable that you are sad about this - and you need to let those feelings out - it is justifiable grief. It does sound like it might be building on the rejection you felt as a child? If you never got a chance to talk about that it would be a good idea to sort out a counsellor to do so - who can also help you find ways to build up a new life.

I do feel for you. However I would say it’s important to stop seeing yourself as a victim in this scenario. They are not being selfish, and you are not being rejected - they are doing what is best for them and their kids as we all have to.

Can you sort out a counsellor ASAP? Make a plan with them to process these feelings, but also how to build up your life. Give yourself a few weeks or a month and then aim to start building up a life for yourself, whether that’s more friends or interests or whatever.

It might not be ideal but you might well find you end up with a richer and more interesting life than if you were totally focused on your family.

You've been short changed by your family being sent to boarding school very young and then not seeing them for years. Your mum let you down and was a rubbish mum for going along with your step dad's wishes to abandon you so young. It's normal that it hurts when they bugger off again. I'd tell them they let you down as a child abandoning you for years when very young and then leave them to it and concentrate on building friendships

People are being quite harsh, I think.

Some people set a lot of store by family, and feel disappointed and short-changed if that family doesn't reciprocate. Of course it's everyone's choice where they live and who they see, but it's not unreasonable for the rejected party to be hurt by this.

In my family one of my siblings chose to distance themselves as their (rich) life is incompatible with their boring, plodding-along original family's. Fair enough. But another sibling was really thrown by this and endlessly wonders how they can reconnect with "lost" sibling and their dcs. (The dcs don't know us from Adam.)

shehasadiamondinthesky I am not surprised that this is triggering massive abandonment issues for you. I would imagine it would do the same for many people with a similar past. Another poster put it very well when they referred to your parent’s choice when you were younger as a tone deaf decision and you can see from how it has played out in your life, it was a very wrong choice for you.

I think this might be a perfect opportunity to recover from the trauma your parents obviously caused you and build yourself back up to what you want to be. I think you will have to accept that your mother particularly has let you down and maybe that is a pattern or maybe you are still just triggered by the past experiences and her mistake was a once off. Either way getting to a point of understanding will help you move forward with your life.

The boarding school situation is awful, what did you do for the holidays? Term dates are shorter in private education too.

raise this with your counsellor, ask your family for financial help to visit? Are your mum and step father very wealthy?

@BoyTree

How would you feel if it was YOU wanting to emigrate and your family were calling you selfish for breaking up the family?

Perhaps she would have discussed it with her family and let them know that it was a consideration rather than enjoying the benefits of having family around when it suits them, then planning to bog off to the other side of the world without mentioning it until it's a done deal.

But what difference would telling her they were considering it make, or even if they discussed it with her? They want to emigrate so are doing. They didn't suddenly up and leave without a word. You make the decision between the people who are going with you and then you inform those around you. When I moved abroad, I told my family what we were doing, I didn't ask for their consideration because we were going whether they felt we were selfish or not as it was the right decision for our family. Luckily everyone was supportive and said that whilst they would miss us very much, we had to do what was right for us. You simply cannot live your life according to what other family members want, that is just a recipe for resentment. It's harsh, but it's true. I genuinely feel for the OP, the circumstances she has described are difficult indeed, but you can't expect her entire family to NOT emigrate because their adult child who has an adult child of their own isn't happy. What happened in the past is sad, and I can totally understand why the OP feels rejected again, but she is an adult now, they can't stick around just because she wants them to.

I don't think you're 'over-reacting' - given your history and current circumstances, it seems completely understandable that this feels like such a colossal rejection/abandonment.

I agree that therapy/counselling (with the right person) would be hugely beneficial to you.

It won't change what choices other people make, but will enable you to better process your emotional responses.

You need to tell your Mum just what her decisions have done to you.

You will not stop her from leaving but if you never say you piece before they go then you will regret it.

I'm so sorry OP, but your happiness is not dependent on your parents and siblings. Do you have a partner? Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies?

Your life is what you build. You are not that child at boarding school anymore - they don't dictate your life path!

I can’t believe the people who are saying “ they’re not being selfish, they’re just doing what’s best for their family”. So the OP isn’t part of their family, she’s only their DAUGHTER?

I think it's always going to be a big wrench when your family suddenly announce they're all leaving, especially if you (very understandably) have abandonment issues from the first time round at boarding school. It's fine to cry, to tell them you're really going to miss them and to be angry that they're going, but don't let it make you bitter because that is only going to hurt your more. You have to let people live their lives the best way they see fit and try to work with them for the best for all of you.

I think the best thing to try and concentrate on is what you can do and what you can be. You can be the really fun aunt who does silly video messages, you can be the thoughtful aunt who sends little presents and cards, you can be the cool aunt who is there for them when they have problems, you can be the really loving aunt who says, no matter how far away you are I'm still thinking about you and I love you so much.

Relationships depend on effort, the more you put in the more you get out. Of course it's more difficult when people are far away but you can put the effort in and keep the relationships going if you want to. If you want no relationship with your step dad then don't, if you don't get anything back from your mum because she puts everyone else first (not sure what your relationship is there) then tell her that and then let her put the effort in if she wants to try to fix things.

Put the work into the relationships that are worth it and step away from the ones where you get nothing back no matter how much you try.

But what difference would telling her they were considering it make, or even if they discussed it with her?

I'm really surprised that you don't feel there is a difference! It seems to obvious to me, so it's intriguing to have the insight from the other side!

I imagine it would have made the OP feel included in the process of deciding instead of, once again, giving the impression that they are "the family" and that the OP is an inconvenient reminder of a previous life that they can drop like a hot stone when they choose to.

I think there's a huge difference between a family where the idea of moving to the other side of the world is discussed between all members, and a family where most of the members make a massive decision and then present it to one single member once the decision is made. Maybe that's why I feel more strongly sympathetic to the OP and you see her family's view more clearly.

@AlternativePerspective

"Your stepfather being Australian wouldn’t give your siblings leave to emigrate iirc. It’s not the same as a family link, he’s not family to them even though he’s married to your mum"

He's presumably their Dad, not their stepdad!

I think they are half siblings so the dad IS their Dad

He is my half siblings dad. I don't know who my own father is.
I think really I would have liked to have been involved in the decision making process really, as it was it was such a shock to find out like this that I could hardly speak.

It felt like a punch in the gut being told after they'd booked the tickets and sold their house.
I stayed with elderly relatives during the holidays at boarding school and they are now dead.
I can't fly for health reasons so it won't be possible to visit. It really is goodbye. They said they will not be coming back to the UK at all.
I think for my own mental health I need to just put this behind me, get some more cats and enjoy my relationship with my son and his wife. We are very close and have talked about moving in together with an annexe. DiL is ok about that. It means that we can pool funds and get a much bigger house together while keeping out of each others way.
And I have lovely friends and a lot of hobbies.

I'm not married and have no partner.