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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband snappy

409 replies

bunny85 · 01/03/2021 15:36

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:57

I didn't say I'm more important than him I just said that I want to be treated with respect and having to be snapped at at every opportunity

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 12:58

But everything is based on my well-being! If I collapse what will happen?

You are BOTH vital! If he collapsed then what will happen?! The family income is gone.

Nobody is saying you are important, they're saying you are both equally important.

And as I said, I bet your grandad wasn't doing nightfeeds ever night and bath times!

Mommy77 · 02/03/2021 13:00

@bunny85 you are really getting a lashing on here, aren’t you?

Reading through the lines it is clear that you aren’t used to being ‘snapped’ at and it has really gotten to you. Maybe in that way you are a bit spoilt and a tad overly sensitive.

Everyone gets snappy. Men really get snappy and my husband certainly gets the mean and irritated tone. I have also told him not to speak to me like the help. Repeatedly.

Here is what I have found - confronting him about it makes him defensive and then it turns into the ‘who is doing more and has the right to be irritated and grumpy’. That doesn’t ever get resolved.

I also, I am sure, snap at home and speak to him in a tone when I don’t really mean it. Do you? Really think about this.

In either case, what I have found when DH is exacting like a little demanding boy, or when he acts like my very presence is annoying, or whatever I say is annoying. I tune him out. I ignore him.

It is HIS problem. Not mine.

Unfortunately the examples you gave aren’t the best. Leaving him with a crying baby for 20 minutes having forgotten the bottle - in that situation I would have said a big I AM SO SORRY !

If you had something on your face but he had the baby, you could have said, can I take the baby while you go get the pizza because I am embarrassed.

When he comes home and is in a tiff and snapping at you, don’t speak to him. Ignore him. Be nice to him.

I am sure he really appreciated your phone call to him and things will be much better. But it will absolutely start again, we are humans not robots.

Say thank you more. Say I love you. The more you give positive energy, the more you will get back.

When he is in a negative space, give him some room and don’t engage.
Sometimes people who are frustrated and tired and angry about stuff at work just want to have an argument. Don’t engage.

Good luck. It isn’t fun living with a snappy husband but he sounds like the good outweighs the bad.

A night away just the two of you sounds like a good plan!

gutful · 02/03/2021 13:00

Multiple people have said you are your children’s lifeline?

Really?

Seems an odd turn of phrase for multiple different people to say...

Will just have to give you give you the benefit of the doubt on that one OP!

MrsSchrute · 02/03/2021 13:01

@mommy77 - Great post!

ivfbeenbusy · 02/03/2021 13:05

@bunny85

What am I bringing to the party? But everything is based on my well-being! If I collapse what will happen? I'm my children's life line, I breastfed them for ages, I do everything for them, I take them to all the activities and do everything school related and much more and everything for our home. I think it's more than a fair share of responsibilities. I bitterly regret mentioning my grandma, that wasn't relevant. I just think that a woman shouldn't be taken for granted and should be loved and respected. Of course equality is extremely important in a relationship, I never suggested it wasn't

Sounds like you take him for granted to be honest. You've said he's under immense pressure at work? - working to provide for his family I should think and keep you in the lifestyle you've grown accustomed to.

Poor sod sounds like he can't do anything right and I'd be more than snappy with you if I was him and knew you were whinging behind my back about hard done by you feel 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 13:06

Mommy77 thank you so much! You are being very understanding. Thanks for the great advice, will start following from today.

I'm known for being too sensitive and overly dramatic perhaps. People who know me accept it but for the strangers on the internet it can sound a bit Hmm and I understand it. However I've gained a lot of wisdom from this thread despite being attacked quite a bit, I'll put it all the advice to a good use

OP posts:
mycatisgivingyouthefinger · 02/03/2021 13:06

@bunny85

Mycatisgivingyouthefinger don't be a part of it then. We are just chatting, exchanging opinions, no need to be so rude

You put yourself out there so I'll read and comment as I please. You sound like a spoiled PITA. What happens if you collapse? Jings woman, pull up your socks and get on with your life. All this because your hardworking husband is feeling irritable. From everything you've posted it's no wonder! You seem to be oblivious that you've got it made. Your husband works his arse off and you've got a cleaner. Get on with your life and stop making out that being a SAHM is something exceptional. Millions of women do it every single day.

You're determined to stay on this thread and defend yourself with all sorts of bizarre little anecdotes rather than accept that you've been precious and high maintenance. Sort yourself out. I think you'll be amazed to see that if you get a grip and lighten up you'll find your husband won't snap as much.

SoulofanAggron · 02/03/2021 13:08

I didn't say I'm more important than him I just said that I want to be treated with respect and having to be snapped at at every opportunity

@bunny85 You're not wrong. xx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 13:10

I'm known for being too sensitive and overly dramatic perhaps. People who know me accept it but for the strangers on the internet it can sound a bit and I understand it.

You may be sensitive to criticism but you don't sound sensitive to other people's needs and that's something that could be life changing if you work on it.

If you're known for being overly dramatic and even strangers on the internet immediately picked up on you being a drama queen, don't you want to work on that too rather than saying oh well people who know me just accept it? That's like your husband saying oh well, I'm going to be a grumpy bastard from now on so just accept it. You wouldn't think that was ok, would you?

CheltenhamLady · 02/03/2021 13:14

@bunny85

Anydreamwilldo but I erm do feel that he should run after me... my grandma always says a man should run after me and treat me like a queen if he wants me to marry him. She always says that a lady should be treated like a queen, and why not? They had the happiest marriage that lasted 55 years up until my grandad passed away, they never argued and love each other dearly. I'm not saying abusing someone's feelings or treating a man mean, of course not, I love my husband. But I do think that woman should be treated preciously
I am sure that their marriage was a two-way street.

I have never got out of bed (whilst my DH was at home) in 40 years of marriage without him making me a cup of tea. I am treated like a queen' for want of a better expression, but I do thoughtful things for him too, we work as a team and appreciate each other.

We also know that bad days happen when one or other of us is stressed and we might snap or be less than pleasant. We acknowledge it and move on. We don't dwell on it or berate each other. That is life.

We also both count our blessings. OP look at the good things your DH does, try to ignore the ones where you feel he falls short.

If you were to moan less and just get on with the (mundane) trivia of life everyone has to cope with you would be happier.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 13:19

CheltenhamLady this is amazing, this is the sort of marriage I'd like to have, but it's usually me who makes breakfast and coffee for my husband. I'm definitely taking all of this on board though and preparing to make a change starting tonightSmile

OP posts:
3rdNamechange · 02/03/2021 13:28

@bunny85
I'm my children's life line, I breastfed them for ages, I do everything for them, I take them to all the activities and do everything school related and much more and everything for our home. I think it's more than a fair share of responsibilities.
*
But you don't go to work* Confused

DiscoDoll · 02/03/2021 13:41

You were an only child, I was the youngest. You can get spoilt and there’s a sense of entitlement to have that your whole life. I’m a bit of a princess with my dh. I’m having to work at that because I realise it and that it’s not fair on him. I used to kind of glory in it - look at how he’ll do anything for me kind of thing. I realised though I love him and he’s gotten worn down with it. It’s sh*t behaviour.
Life is too tough these days for one person to expect to be on a pedestal. I wouldn’t want my dh walking out on me one day because I pushed it. They aren’t our parents who love us unconditionally no matter our behaviour. Patience will run out because they burn out. Like my dh he sounds like a great dad and partner, just remember all he does do ( you can see on these threads what real lazy partners and bad ones look like) list out everything he does and when you’re feeling like nagging - read it.

NettleTea · 02/03/2021 13:47

OP - did you work FT before the children came along?

If you have gone from being a SAH girlfriend/wife to a SAHM it is going to be a big shock.

Do you get time off, away from kids, to do anything for yourself?

Its good you have looked at making some time for just the two of you, but it does sound as if you are finding the normal and, to be honest, really boring routine of housewife and mother challenging.

Things are difficult right now with lockdown - the homeschooling is a role that wouldnt normally be happening and many people are struggling.

Are you thinking about work when the youngest gets older? Maybe not because you need the money (as it sounds as if the family income isnt too bad) but to give your life more meaning - you hinted at something like this further back. Is there some kind of course or training you could do and get the baby into nursery a couple of days a week. I suspect many of the 'what about me' conversations are not great because your days have not been stimulating to you - he probably isnt that interested, and neither are you, in talking about the ironing that you did that day.

Your hisband is doing alot. The fact he is working FT and having broken nights is probably contributing to his snappiness - remember how frazzled you were feeling with the broken nights - and if he has only been doing this a while he may well be thinking 'Im doing all I can, what the hell else am I supposed to do'

He shouldnt be snappy. Thats a given. The examples you gave, he was doing stuff to help the baby - its not like he was lying on the sofa while you ran ragged, and then shouted you to open the door. He was actually right to be annoyed. And actually, taking the baby at night is to help you.

But I am wondering if previously you were a 'kept woman' - so of course life was lovely. Kids are a big responsibility and bloody hard work.

DiscoDoll · 02/03/2021 13:50

@NettleTea great post

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 14:08

NettleTea, thank you. I don't get much time away from children at all, recently it only came to a head that I really crave some space and I hired a nanny who would come (occasionally, not every day at all) to mind the children while I go out for a walk or just read a book upstairs. I don't call her often though, only when I really need to. We have no family nearby so help is non existent most of the time. I think more than anything I'm just mentally tired of the parenthood and need a regular time to myself.

As for my life before children, I used to work full time in a very highly skilled, professional role. I then met my husband, continued to work but stopped when I fell pregnant with our first child. He said if you don't want to work, don't, it's up to you. He's earning well so I didn't. A very big question is whether I want to go back to work or not, definitely not full time, possibly once a week, but I will have to, mainly as it would be such a shame to throw away the decade of studying and training. I'm on such a crossroad in my life and a little stuck, I've been wondering if I should maybe hire a life couch to help me decide what to do with myself. It's interesting how a simple thread about my husband's snappiness turned into a big reflection about what I want in the future. It would be nice to have an answer.

OP posts:
FellowFlipFlop · 02/03/2021 14:12

You thought that the ideal time for your husband to leave the baby and nip off and answer the door was when the baby was chewing a mouth full of food? Why didn't you just put a face mask on and answer it if the issue was mainly around your lips?

NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner · 02/03/2021 14:15

Because that would ruin a good story....

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 14:16

FellowFlipFlop because I didn't even think of it, I absolutely should have put the mask on. I already admitted I was in the wrong there and will mention it to him tonight when I see him

OP posts:
Mommy77 · 02/03/2021 14:19

@bunny85
I congratulate you for actually taking on board as constructive criticism some of the things which have been said on this thread, rather than being put off and getting defensive - which many might have done.

Parenting is hard and being a SAHM is very lonely in normal times. Do you have other mums / girlfriends you can hang out with and go for walks with the children with? Get a drink with when things open up again? Call to just vent?

As the other poster asked, do you take time for yourself - go to galleries, museums, read, play sports? Stuff that gets you out of your own head can be very helpful.

Just because you are a SAHM doesn’t mean you have to be tied to your house and children every second of the day! You said upthread that things would fall apart without you around. Perhaps you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself because you are a SAHM and not working. I am a SAHM as well but definitely take time to play tennis with friends, go to galleries regularly, have breakfast with other mums after drop off, even go to farmers markets to go food shopping with friends. That is all important, I think, for your own mental health.

Same for your husband. He works such long hours and then comes home. Does he do any sport? Anything fun?

I have also found that doing a fun activities with my husband has been GREAT - every Saturday, in normal times, we leave the children with a sitter for a few hours and they have play dates (which by the way they love because mom isn’t around and they can have fun with someone else and their friends) and my husband and I go play tennis. It is great fun.

I definitely recommend a life coach. I saw one years ago, just a few times, and it was a revelation.

mycatisgivingyouthefinger · 02/03/2021 14:20

Here's another thought for you...

Despite being so busy and run off your feet, your managing to spend a lot of time responding on Mumsnet. I doubt your husband working 6 days out of 7 would find the time to do the same.

FellowFlipFlop · 02/03/2021 14:20

Easier just to ask your husband to do it and then cry if he gets exasperated with you. It's not like it was an unexpected knock on the door - you ordered the pizza so you knew it was coming. No reason at all that you couldn't have been feeding the baby.

"oh DH I'd rather not answer the door cos of my face, here let me feed the baby and then you can get the pizza when it comes".

mycatisgivingyouthefinger · 02/03/2021 14:21

@FellowFlipFlop

Easier just to ask your husband to do it and then cry if he gets exasperated with you. It's not like it was an unexpected knock on the door - you ordered the pizza so you knew it was coming. No reason at all that you couldn't have been feeding the baby.

"oh DH I'd rather not answer the door cos of my face, here let me feed the baby and then you can get the pizza when it comes".

This is the reasonable response of someone who doesn't behave like a petulant child.

Tittyfilarious · 02/03/2021 14:29

@bunny85

NettleTea, thank you. I don't get much time away from children at all, recently it only came to a head that I really crave some space and I hired a nanny who would come (occasionally, not every day at all) to mind the children while I go out for a walk or just read a book upstairs. I don't call her often though, only when I really need to. We have no family nearby so help is non existent most of the time. I think more than anything I'm just mentally tired of the parenthood and need a regular time to myself.

As for my life before children, I used to work full time in a very highly skilled, professional role. I then met my husband, continued to work but stopped when I fell pregnant with our first child. He said if you don't want to work, don't, it's up to you. He's earning well so I didn't. A very big question is whether I want to go back to work or not, definitely not full time, possibly once a week, but I will have to, mainly as it would be such a shame to throw away the decade of studying and training. I'm on such a crossroad in my life and a little stuck, I've been wondering if I should maybe hire a life couch to help me decide what to do with myself. It's interesting how a simple thread about my husband's snappiness turned into a big reflection about what I want in the future. It would be nice to have an answer.

Where's has this nanny come from I'm really starting to wonder about this thread Hmmpm