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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband snappy

409 replies

bunny85 · 01/03/2021 15:36

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:20

I swear I'm not winging anyone up. The baby had his mouth full and was chewing. I honestly thought going to open the door wouldn't be such a bug deal. I could have kept feeding him anyway. I can see I was in the wrong here now and I'll make sure I'll mention it to my husband tonight and apologise

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 02/03/2021 12:23

Look nobody is telling you to go appologising and debasing yourself to him. Going forward just reflect a bit on your princess attitude and make a concerted effort to really contribute. If he’s working 6 days a week and you have a cleaner, then I really can’t see why he should be having to do any housework beyond bins and the odd helping hand. It’s great he is so hands on as a father (as he should be), if you would be annoyed about him not helping with something then imagine that he might feel the same (e.g. forgetting a bottle!!!).

Cheeseandlobster · 02/03/2021 12:23

@bunny85

Cheeseandlobster finally someone who was able to see the point, maybe it's the way I'm putting it down that's so confusing, I just write it straight out of my heart so to speak, just let the thoughts flow, maybe it's very unstructured and makes people miss the point? Thank you again
Sorry I didn't retract my point about snappiness. That still stands. I think its good you have been open to feedback and recognise that you need to work on things too and your dh needs to work on his tone
Anydreamwilldo12 · 02/03/2021 12:23

Have a word with yourself OP. You sound very precious and seem to think your husband should run around after you and the kids as well as working all hours to bring home the bacon
It doesn't matter how much you say you have told him how appreciative you are, you obviously want more.
No wonder he is snipping at you and I'm not at all advocating snipping at your partner but you would drive a Saint to swear with your me me me attitude.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 02/03/2021 12:33

I think it's easy to get stuck in a rut of moaning and whining - and when one person does it, the other person whines or snipes back and it becomes a bit of a vicious circle.

But if I was working six days a week, getting up in the night with a baby, paying for a cleaner and doing a fair bit of housework on top while my partner stayed home - I think I'd be pretty resentful of the situation and that would make me liable to get snappy and irritated.

I think you actually have a lovely husband who's exhausted and at the end of his tether with long hours and sleepless nights.

I would honestly let him have a lie in this weekend on his day off. You could also have the baby Saturday night so he can catch up on his sleep - I'm sure he'll feel
much better after a good sleep and a restful morning. Then you can do something nice together as a couple or as a family in the afternoon.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:34

Anydreamwilldo but I erm do feel that he should run after me... my grandma always says a man should run after me and treat me like a queen if he wants me to marry him. She always says that a lady should be treated like a queen, and why not? They had the happiest marriage that lasted 55 years up until my grandad passed away, they never argued and love each other dearly. I'm not saying abusing someone's feelings or treating a man mean, of course not, I love my husband. But I do think that woman should be treated preciously

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 02/03/2021 12:35

He sounds like a pretty good man to me. He may snap at you, as you sound a bit critical,and write about him on here as well.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 12:35

@bunny85

Anydreamwilldo but I erm do feel that he should run after me... my grandma always says a man should run after me and treat me like a queen if he wants me to marry him. She always says that a lady should be treated like a queen, and why not? They had the happiest marriage that lasted 55 years up until my grandad passed away, they never argued and love each other dearly. I'm not saying abusing someone's feelings or treating a man mean, of course not, I love my husband. But I do think that woman should be treated preciously
Come on now, you had me until this post. Good one OP.
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 02/03/2021 12:36

@bunny85

Anydreamwilldo but I erm do feel that he should run after me... my grandma always says a man should run after me and treat me like a queen if he wants me to marry him. She always says that a lady should be treated like a queen, and why not? They had the happiest marriage that lasted 55 years up until my grandad passed away, they never argued and love each other dearly. I'm not saying abusing someone's feelings or treating a man mean, of course not, I love my husband. But I do think that woman should be treated preciously
AHHHH ok so it’s a joke thread. Thank fuck. Glad your husband doesn’t actually exist in this situation, genuinely relieved...
Houseofvelour · 02/03/2021 12:36

@bunny85

Anydreamwilldo but I erm do feel that he should run after me... my grandma always says a man should run after me and treat me like a queen if he wants me to marry him. She always says that a lady should be treated like a queen, and why not? They had the happiest marriage that lasted 55 years up until my grandad passed away, they never argued and love each other dearly. I'm not saying abusing someone's feelings or treating a man mean, of course not, I love my husband. But I do think that woman should be treated preciously
With all the love in the world, you need to get a grip and give your husband a fucking break before he leaves and finds someone else that treats him better.
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:37

Sunflowerandbuttercups he always has a lie in on a Sunday and generally does very little (ok hoovering and mopping if needed and taking kids to the park if we feel like). As for the nights, he says he doesn't mind, I ask him regularly

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 12:38

Anydreamwilldo but I erm do feel that he should run after me... my grandma always says a man should run after me and treat me like a queen if he wants me to marry him.

What are you bringing to the party that's so extraordinarily special that your DH should run around after you and keep you on a pedestal?

Don't you want to be equals? That doesn't mean the same as each other in every way eg earnings / hours at work. But equally invested in the relationship, equally kind, equally considerate?

Genuinely happy couples are equally invested in the relationship, kind to each other, half a laugh, don't have to keep proving they are worthy because they are worthy, appreciated and loved.

I also don't think in the 1950s a man would work 6 days a week, get up with the baby in the night every night and do bath times, to be honest.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:39

Omg it's not a joke!! Oh God. I better not be share much here

OP posts:
gutful · 02/03/2021 12:41

I would bet my bottom dollar grandma didn’t have grandpa doing the night feeds & housework after a 6 day working week

They likely never fought because they each had their designated roles & not in a competition over who had done more parenting or housework duties.

Grandpa wasn’t changing nappies

Anydreamwilldo12 · 02/03/2021 12:43

Haha. Do you live in la la land of the precious princesses or is this just a massive wind up?
I'm going for wind up!

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:43

What am I bringing to the party? But everything is based on my well-being! If I collapse what will happen? I'm my children's life line, I breastfed them for ages, I do everything for them, I take them to all the activities and do everything school related and much more and everything for our home. I think it's more than a fair share of responsibilities. I bitterly regret mentioning my grandma, that wasn't relevant. I just think that a woman shouldn't be taken for granted and should be loved and respected. Of course equality is extremely important in a relationship, I never suggested it wasn't

OP posts:
mycatisgivingyouthefinger · 02/03/2021 12:44

This thread is fucking stupid.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:44

Gutful you know what I'm actually going to call her up today and I'll ask her. I know she always says he used to help out a lot, however they both worked full time all their life

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:46

Mycatisgivingyouthefinger don't be a part of it then. We are just chatting, exchanging opinions, no need to be so rude

OP posts:
MrsSchrute · 02/03/2021 12:46

So you think he should run around after you and treat you like a princess. But do you treat him like that? Do you go out of your way to make his life as easy and stress free as possible? Do you routinely make your life more difficult in order to make his easier?
What is it that is special about you that you deserve to be treated like this by a spouse, but he doesn't?
I think it is unreasonable to expect this of him if you're not willing to do the same.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 02/03/2021 12:46

I really really want to believe this isn’t real. If it is you need to sort your head out ASAP before you end up a single mom

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 02/03/2021 12:46

Being grumpy, unhappy and annoyed doesn't make him an abusive husband. He's just having a tough time.

Your tasks sound normal for a SAHM. I'm a SAHM with twins and another on the way, I get it. Although I don't have a cleaner.

But you have options. You can return to work if you'd find that more fulfilling.

It's for better or worse, so if your husband is having a tough time, communicate. Try to ease the load for a while and make sure at weekends you both get a little rest. You telling him he's not pulling his weight (when he clearly is) and threatening to leave isn't on. You're making it worse.

Maybe some couples counselling would be helpful. You sound stuck in the habit of blaming each other and competing on who has it harder. Having young children is hard on ANYONE. If you want the relationship to last then you need to work as a team.

I also wonder if you need to take a break from forums. Your idea on what is reasonable sounds heavily influenced by the kind of posts where men do nothing. Your husband clearly does a lot, so don't tarnish him with the same brush. Get off the forum and work together to agree a better way forwards

gutful · 02/03/2021 12:51

This is a creative writing exercise I think...

Everything is based on your wellbeing? You are not your children’s lifeline - that is an incredibly weird & narcissistic comment to make. Congratulations for breastfeeding them but they can survive on formula & regular food now.

Your husband works so presumably could afford daycare/au pair/nanny.

You seem to think the whole world revolves around you & you’re the star in your movie with dear husband in the supporting role.

You are overplaying what you do & making out like what you do is more than what your husband does.

He is the sole financial provider so essentially he is more of a lifeline to your children than you are - if he lost his job or died your children’s lifestyle would be reduced.

If something happened to you the children would still be fed & schooled.

He sounds kind & capable so there is no reason to think he couldn’t learn to grasp managing school & extra curricular activities.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:52

MrsSchrute yes I do treat him with a lot of love and respect, starting from little day to say things and to big life issues. I just think we shouldn't have brought my upbringing up into this discussion as it seemed to complicate things and people started having very distorted view of myself. I do feel deeply any woman should be treated with love and respect, constant low lever irritation isn't good for any relationship. Maybe this subject is a bit too broad for this thread where we discuss specific issues of my husbands way of communication lately

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:55

Gutful but this is what people have been saying to me and a lot! Look and care after yourself as you are your children's lifeline! I was getting very run down and even the doctor said so, a year of no sleep and the lockdown, no schools, nowhere to go. I was feeling very down and this is what they were saying to me- be kind to yourself, look after yourself, do things that make you happy, treat yourself. That's what I've been doing! You just can't win with people...

OP posts: