husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

You said husband but you meant skivvy right?

Not a full time nanny, just an occasional help, like a babysitter, but very occasionally, very rarely, sorry about the terminology.

How is this somehow still getting worse?!? This sounds like someone writing a fantasy life, but it’s actually you COMPLAINING about it? In terms of the world as a whole, you’re probably in the top 0.05% of people when it comes to having to do things for yourself.

Okay so you have a nanny on stand by, a cleaner who does all your deep cleaning, a husband who works 6 days a week and still pulls his weight at home and you're complaining.
You're coming across as a spoilt little princess who doesn't want to do the hard work that comes with having a family.

He's feeling resentful that he does so much and you still expect more

I knew I shouldn't mention the flipping babysitter. She only came a handful of times to help out when I wasn't feeling well, it's not a regular thing at all. How is it related to the main subject anyway. Why is it considered that all of the above entitles him to this behaviour? I already accepted I was in the wrong on many occasions and I promise I'll change around. I did say this a few times already. Going to make a change starting from tonight

• I'll turn it around

Surely you can see why he's snappy though? The babysitter/nanny whatever you want to call them is relevant, because it's more help you're getting...but somehow you still want more.

Your original post was about your husband being snappy so what I say now I mean nicely, read your own posts back and really think about it, he helps lots even though he works 6 days a week, you are a stay at home mum to 2 children, you have a cleaner to help and are completely financially comfortable where you can spend as you please. You have admitted you are spoilt and also from your posts you seem very much like its all about you I know you've said it's not but It really does come across that way. When I read your posts I see why a person would be snappy with you because you seem hard work. Read some threads on this board, read about women who's husbands won't give them access to money, read about women who are on their knees working and trying to home school and keep house and that's just 2 examples then look at your posts and really have a good think. I'm not saying it's acceptable to snap but I do think it's understandable from what you've posted.

@bunny85

Anydreamwilldo but I erm do feel that he should run after me... my grandma always says a man should run after me and treat me like a queen if he wants me to marry him. She always says that a lady should be treated like a queen, and why not? They had the happiest marriage that lasted 55 years up until my grandad passed away, they never argued and love each other dearly. I'm not saying abusing someone's feelings or treating a man mean, of course not, I love my husband. But I do think that woman should be treated preciously

The thread was already far fetched enough before this post tipped it over into farce 😂 I’m glad if that means there is not a man somewhere being moaned at by a deluded princess

I think that basically he is snappy because he is exhausted. He is doing all he can, and more to help you, but seems to arrive home to more complaints and disatisfaction.

I dont think you are very happy OP. You admit to having being spoilt and also having the expectation from others in your family that you should have a blessed life with a man fawning at your feet. You do actually have this, by all accounts, but you cant see it because you too are unhappy and unfulfilled, and are looking at him to make you feel better, almost as if you can only judge your happiness by how others react to you.

You may also not be used to people being short with you, or not centering you, because in the early days, when you had no child responsibilities, it seems your husband did.

Having kids is hard. Its not hard as in academically difficult (and dont worry about the undivided attention thing - lockdown is making even the nicest child a demon right now) but its the daily monotonous grind, especially if you have studied and had a skilled profession.

I would 100% suspect that there are 2 things with your husbands snappiness - he is exhausted. absolutely knackered. And he is doing alot to try to alieviate your problems, but I think he may be feeling that its all one way, because these are just little things he is asking you to do, while he sees that he is doing something to make your life easier.

Next time he asks you something, take a moment to think. Can you do it? If not why not? if he needs it doing because he is doing something, can you take over and he do it? is there a better way to explain than just 'no'

and if you want to go back to work, its OK. Its not a failure as a mother to want that, some identity outside 'mum'

keep kind to each other

To all of you who are coming down so hard on @bunny85 - back off. Just because her situation isn’t as bad as others whose husbands don’t give them money, who don’t have childcare help, who are worried about money, whose husband don’t help - doesn’t mean that her feelings aren’t valid. Geez. I guess what you are trying to say is be grateful for what you have, but the way in which you are saying it is punitive and mean.

I also think the poster has said repeatedly that she has understood what you have said and is going to change her behaviour and thanked you for pointing out some things.

Maybe she doesn’t have many girlfriends so doesn’t know what the ‘norm’ is. Well, now she does!

But seriously if her husband went from putting her on a pedestal and treating her like Princess Buttercup to snapping at her, then yes that would be a shock if she had never been spoken to like that before. And it would be upsetting.

Just because her ‘normal’ isn’t YOUR normal doesn’t give you the right to come down on her so hard. She posted because she was upset and has said that she is going through some hard things as a SAHM. Can’t we try and be compassionate and understanding and helpful, rather than making her feel awful?

Ok I've had a lot of responses and opinions seem to be quite uniform. Initially I was very surprised I won't lie, to see that so many, almost all of you think that he does a lot, I've accepted this and it's very important for me to see this in the perspective as now I know not to get upset about it (I'm only saying inside, I don't and I repeat I don't ever nag him to do the dishwasher or whatever, I just wanted to understand purely for myself) and I'm going to work on my attitude. I never demand anything from him, it's mainly my complaining and moaning about how tired I am at the end of the day that is most likely getting on his nerves. I never gave it a second thought, I just shared what my day was like, now to be honest I feel much better since I started sleeping at night, before I'd live on broken 4 hours sleep a night and was miserable during the day, this is when he asked me to get some bell during the day as he was unable to leave work. This is when I hired the nanny/babysitter whatever it's called. Now the sleep has massively improved and I don't call her anymore, unless I'm ill or whatever.

As for me being run down, seems like it's impossible as I'm sat here doing nothing all day, I really struggle to understand how you don't see it as schools are closed, there's a lot of homeschooling to do and with the baby around that is super stressful while I also have many other house chores to do. Never mind. What I want to say though is thank you very much for offering the alternative point of view to my own, I can see I was at fault at least on the few occasions and I will turn it around with him. I'll also change my behaviour for future as I can see maybe that it's true and my days are not as difficult as some other people's. Going to start making changes and arrange going back into work in the future too. Thank you everyone for offering constructive feedback and criticism, we all live and learn.

Mommy77 that made me very emotional. Thanks for your kind words. I do have a lot of girlfriends to be honest, I'm a very sociable and outgoing person and they all know my situation, some of them pointed out in the past that I'm ungrateful and spoilt (I mentioned in one of my previous posts about them), others say they sympathised when I was going through hell with sleep or total lack of. I can honestly say I didn't sleep for a year. In terms of just wondering (and that's all I've been doing in this post) whether my husband does enough- this was prompted by many threads on here saying that once the other partner comes through the door the responsibilities should be shared 50/50 and that's not always the case. Apart from bath and bedtime, everything else is on me- dinner, dishwasher, tidying up etc so I wanted to just double check if that was ok because I don't want to let anyone even try and take advantage from me. My husband can be quite self absorbed at times, too, all revolving around him and his work. Anyhow, thank you so very much, your post made me smile! I'll work on my flaws and with little luck our marriage will, hopefully, improve

*take advantage of me

And absolutely yes, I'm not used to being spoken to like this at all, none of my exes ever did, and I refuse to let anyone do that. He's my husband though so I can't just kick him out, I'm trying very hard to understand first of all where the problem is and to, hopefully, correct it

Does him saying he dislikes something mean you have to change normal behaviours? Does he make you feel small, feel anxious or scared or doubt yourself? Does his tone of voice make you worried about what will happen if you don’t agree to change whatever he’s said he dislikes?

I’m asking because I was in a relationship who very politely (in other people’s opinion) would say he “wasn’t keen on that, don’t do it”. It seemed entirely reasonable and any time I tried to speak to someone about it I couldn’t really explain why it was a problem other than if I didn’t change whatever he wasn’t keen on he’d go icy cold with me. It’s a form of manipulation and control, and if that’s the case with you we need you to be direct about it so we know how to advise

Bless you - if you're a SAHM (believe me lwhen I say that's a tough gig when done properly) and you've got time for an existential crisis and feel you need a life coach you've got too much time on your hands lol. Maybe going back to work pt would do the family a lot of good

So when you had the baby at night you were dying on four hours’ sleep, but when he does it as well as holding down a job it’s no biggie?

I think if I was the DH and working 6 days a week plus doing DIY and all the chores you say he does in spite of you having a cleaner, I would be pretty irritable too! When does he ever get time to relax? If my husband was working 6days a week and doing all the DIY then I would see it as my job to do all the chores at home if I was a SAHM.

Hmmm you made me wonder! He does Hmmm well he does talk to me as if he's superior and it happens not all of the time, but occasionally. He can try and give orders, like ask something without saying please for example and I find that very rude and told him a few times, even though it doesn't happen often and he seems to have stopped. He often seems to be in the mood, I can see it's all to do with work as he come home and still tries to do a lot of work related things, he can be so stressed out that he becomes quite distant, very serious, won't joke around much which is what I want after a boring day. Again his mood depends on how his day at work has been very much, if he had a good day he's all smiles and super nice to be around. After a bad day I realised the best course of action on my side is to just leave him alone as he's not in the mood to joke about etc. Nothing too bad will happen if I don't do what he says but if I tell him not to use this voice with me, we are bound to have an argument. He is quite stubborn on the whole and rarely sees a problem in himself. Basically it's not just black and white and a bit difficult for me to put in a short post. He can be different.

Chances this post was in reply to you, sorry, I wish I knew how to tag people

Justawoman this was when the baby was waking up all night long for the boob. Not anymore as I night weaned him. He sleeps through the night now, can stir a couple of times a night or wake up for water, briefly, that's all. It's rare that he is up very often at night, not saying it doesn't happen, but 9 times out of 10 my husband has a good night sleep, by his own account

Is he snappy with the children?

Eviebeans he's generally super nice with the children but if the older one is very naughty he can be strict. I sometimes feel that he speaks to me like I'm another child, not often though, occasionally, but I can feel that sometimes, just the tone of his voice