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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband snappy

409 replies

bunny85 · 01/03/2021 15:36

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

OP posts:
CheltenhamLady · 02/03/2021 11:33

OP, you come across as having been brought up quite spoiled.

I have been married almost 40 years and it is only since being on MN and reading about what types of men exist that I have come to realise that, in comparison to most, my DH is a saint. He isn't perfect, but who is?

You need to take stock of what you have and how your DH treats you.

Those examples of his 'crimes' are quite shocking. You were at fault on both occasions. You.

Look in the mirror and start to step up into this relationship, or, regardless of what you think now, he really will not be with you in 10 years time.

I am rarely this blunt on MN, but you need to face the unpalatable truth OP. You are behaving like a diva.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:35

Yes he gets up with the baby, again I didn't ask for it, he volunteered seeing how tired I was of sleepless nights. The baby was a terrible sleeper while I breastfed and we used to take turns always, my husband just wanted to help, I wasn't forcing him I swear

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:40

CheltenhamLady my husband and my parents always tell me that I'm extremely spoilt but my parents say this is most definitely their fault, I'm the only child and my dad used to spoil me quite a bit when I was little and even now still, to be honest. My husband also spoils me and he says so himself. However this doesn't give him the slightest excuse to be rude.

At first I hugely regretted posting this. Now I'm actually glad as so many people point out that perhaps it really is to do with me then. I'm very glad and this has helped me seeing the situation very differently, I usually complain on my husband, however I can see now that he may have good reasons to be pissed off. I'll do my very best to change my general attitude, I really will

OP posts:
Tittyfilarious · 02/03/2021 11:40

@bunny85

Tittifilarious will you believe that these situations play our in reverse hundred times a day when he forgets/does stupid things/whatever and I never EVER get snappy. I just smile and be understanding, for 2 reasons, first because I hate arguments and always try to smooth the corners and secondly because that's just the way I am! It's not worth it having a pop at someone for forgetting a silly bottle or not being able to answer the door. When it comes to for forgetting he's ten times worse than me and I never ever behave like this. Looks like he can't wait for an opportunity to have a pop at me, lately this is the case
Yes I can believe that he is the same and you let it go my husband was the same but the difference is we are SAHM we are not under alot of stress and working 6 days a week his patience is probably worn very thin through the day and then something like the bottle is the last straw for him and he snaps at you.
Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 02/03/2021 11:41

Such a bizarre thread, some people seem to have read the bit about the chores and it’s all they care about. The op has got the message on that score.

If you’re husband does less that’s not the op fault.

If he’s stressed at work and is recent give him the benefit of the doubt op. Lockdown is stressing everyone out op some people are being snappy with their partners some people are being mean on anonymous forums.

I must say your house sounds very clean, if you have a baby maybe you don’t need to worry so much about cleaning the bathroom every day, or deep cleans.

Hope things work out ok for you. An uninterrupted Brew for you Grin

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:44

Peanutbutter thank you so much. You really seem to be very kind and understanding. It's relatively recent but getting more frequent and I hate it. We used to be such soulmates. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, again. I'll also work on my own flaws which looks like I have a few (all my life I've considered myself pretty perfect Grin). Thank you so much and all the very best to you too

OP posts:
gutful · 02/03/2021 11:46

Yes he gets up with the baby, again I didn't ask for it, he volunteered seeing how tired I was of sleepless nights.

He pitches in & steps up with parenting without having to be asked. Another sign he is a good partner & is doing his share without having to be asked.

When people point out what he does you seem to get defensive by saying "well I never asked him!" - but that's exactly the point.

Whatever was holding you up was it more important than feeding the baby? Were you trying to push out a particularly stubborn poo? Seriously the fact you won't say what you were doing is odd - funny but odd!

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 02/03/2021 11:48

@bunny85

Yes I can give a few examples. Since I stopped breastfeeding at night he now sleeps with the baby so I can finally get some sleep at night (the baby was waking up every hour for the boob for a year). When the baby wakes my husband gives him water so he was taking him upstairs the other day and forgot his water bottle downstairs. So he called me asking to bring it up and I said ok then I forgot. So he was trying to put the baby to sleep but he kept on crying, possibly being thirsty. So after 20 mins of trying to put him to sleep or so my husband comes back down with the baby in his arms, pissed off, and says "but I asked you to bring the water" that's just one example. Another would be he was giving the baby his lunch on Sunday and we ordered the pizza for ourselves for lunch, so the delivery came and I asked him to go and get it, he says to me "can't you do it, I'm feeding the baby" in annoyed voice. I couldn't do it as I had my reasons (don't want to give it here) but he got snappy again over a minor thing, over a stupid pizza!
FML you can’t be a real person. If you are, your husband is a SAINT
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:49

Gutful you made me laugh with the poo. Ok I will tell what it is but it would be very outing, I'll be as vague as I can. I had something on my face and was embarrassed to open the door, let's put it this way

OP posts:
Cheeseandlobster · 02/03/2021 11:53

I am working so only had time to skim read. However I feel most of this thread thread entirely misses the point. The op was asking if it is ok for her partner to be snappy with her and it has turned into a competitive housework debate.

Her partner sounds like he pulls his weight which is wonderful but when you are with someone who is low level arsey all the time, it wears you down. He is well within his rights to say "I am not happy with x" or " Can you please do this while I do Y" But he needs to say things in a nice, respectful non snappy way. And THIS is what the thread was initially about I think

gutful · 02/03/2021 11:54

Mud mask or Cum face

Agree that would be embarrassing to open the door but you can't stop feeding your baby just because one have is having a pampering session in the bathroom

Did you not want to admit you couldn't get the door due to giving yourself a facial? Because that supports the "pampered princess" theory.

Cheeseandlobster · 02/03/2021 11:56

Ok so I missed the updates. Hmmm not sure anymore. Having something on your face is not reason not to answer the door if it means your husband has to stop feeding the baby. I am sure the delivery driver has seen worse. And forgetting the babies water isnt on either. Ok I retract my previous comment

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:57

Cheeseandlobster finally someone who was able to see the point, maybe it's the way I'm putting it down that's so confusing, I just write it straight out of my heart so to speak, just let the thoughts flow, maybe it's very unstructured and makes people miss the point? Thank you again

OP posts:
skeenskeenjellybean · 02/03/2021 11:57

You are right that you are spoilt. Your DH shouldn't be snappy with you, but I think what posters are suggesting is that all your moaning and dramatics (threatening to leave when you don't mean it) is making an already stressed out man more stressed, and perhaps that is what is making him snappy with you. If you quit all that stuff you might find the snappiness resolves itself.

The main thing I got from your posts though is that you find the day-to-day mundane stuff of being a SAHM unfulfilling (and that's totally fine - it can be for many folk) but the answer to this would surely be to go back to work.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:58

Gutful it's wasn't pampering! Oh for Gods sake, I had a herpes flare up almost all over my face!!

OP posts:
Ariela · 02/03/2021 11:58

I was surprised when you said you're a SAHM, thought you would say you've feeling it because you also WFH pretty much full time.

I'd suggest he feels snappy because he doesn't realise how difficult SAHM is and what's involved, thinks it's sitting at home doing not a lot. But I'd also make an effort to do the old fashioned 1950s thing of greeting him with a cup of tea when he arrives and just listen to how his day was before anything else. I can highly recommend this as it makes them feel listened to and understood. Even if you're not really listening and just interject with 'oh dear' and 'gosh that sounds terrible' while cooking tea/sorting DD's queries/soothing baby. Make your DH feel special and understood too as well as the kids.

EmptyOrchestra · 02/03/2021 12:00

I think the problem is you’re knackered and feel like you need a break, but he is also knackered and also needs a break. If there’s only one day off for him a week then there’s little opportunity for either of you to have a break. It’s shit but it is what it is.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 12:01

@skeenskeenjellybean

You are right that you are spoilt. Your DH shouldn't be snappy with you, but I think what posters are suggesting is that all your moaning and dramatics (threatening to leave when you don't mean it) is making an already stressed out man more stressed, and perhaps that is what is making him snappy with you. If you quit all that stuff you might find the snappiness resolves itself.

The main thing I got from your posts though is that you find the day-to-day mundane stuff of being a SAHM unfulfilling (and that's totally fine - it can be for many folk) but the answer to this would surely be to go back to work.

This is a very fair comment.
Tittyfilarious · 02/03/2021 12:03

@bunny85

Gutful it's wasn't pampering! Oh for Gods sake, I had a herpes flare up almost all over my face!!
The delivery person would not have cared op they see all sorts so I think you could have answered the door.
CheltenhamLady · 02/03/2021 12:04

@bunny85

CheltenhamLady my husband and my parents always tell me that I'm extremely spoilt but my parents say this is most definitely their fault, I'm the only child and my dad used to spoil me quite a bit when I was little and even now still, to be honest. My husband also spoils me and he says so himself. However this doesn't give him the slightest excuse to be rude.

At first I hugely regretted posting this. Now I'm actually glad as so many people point out that perhaps it really is to do with me then. I'm very glad and this has helped me seeing the situation very differently, I usually complain on my husband, however I can see now that he may have good reasons to be pissed off. I'll do my very best to change my general attitude, I really will

What you have described is not rude per se but seems to be more of a 'frustrated' response. He seems to be asking you to be a grown-up and take some responsibility for issues rather than stand back.

The pattern of your day is normal family life. Nothing out of the ordinary at all.

I say this from my (acknowledged) position of privilege. We have a comfortable lifestyle, a big house, a cleaner and a gardener, but I know how fortunate that makes me (us). When my large brood were small I was a SAHM for a time and in that period I cared for my ageing parents and got 2 degrees. All with the support of my DH. I could not have done it without his help.

You need to work as a team supporting each other and letting go of petty squabbles or the one-upmanship that comes with resenting him being tired or stressed after a long day. He pulls his weight.

It seems to me that you have a keeper in your DH, lose the diva strops, make allowances and appreciate him. He does treat you well. Otherwise, he will leave. I certainly would.

Aalvarino · 02/03/2021 12:05

He gets up in the night? OHMYGODHEISASAINT..
Herpes all over your face? Of course you should have pushed your embarrassment down and answered the door....
And thanked your husband for not being cross with your herpes-ridden appearance.
Honestly! This thread.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 12:08

Ok just to be honest and fair it wasn't all over my face, it was my lips and around but it was BAD and I mean absolutely bad. I was very embarrassed. Thanks for understanding.

OP posts:
gutful · 02/03/2021 12:18

OP you must be winding us up now - you surely wouldn't want your baby's meal to be interrupted because you have a coldsore.

I am childfree but in my mind no loving parent would put their coldsore over feeding their kid. That level of dramatics would be bordering on narcissistic or histrionic to me.

Am pretty sure you're now being tongue in cheek about the herpes flareup preventing you from opening the door to a pizza delivery boy who is often characterised as being a spotty, pimply teenager themselves

SoulofanAggron · 02/03/2021 12:19

Yes this is what I say every single time! What do I get? "Don't make me then!"

@bunny85 You are not responsible for his behaviour and don't make him act like it. It's his choice if he chooses to speak to you in an unacceptable way.

That's like someone who's violent to a woman saying 'you made me do it,' 'you push my buttons.'

Anordinarymum · 02/03/2021 12:19

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

So he works 6 days out of 7, still does housework and you have a cleaner , you are at home all day every day... and you're complaining? I'd be snappy if I was him.
So would I
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