husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

I think sometimes it's not the workload that is the problem, it's the lack of love and appreciation of what you are doing to keep a decent standard of living, and when nobody thanks you for anything or notices what you do it gets out of hand.

Maybe you need to work on your relationship more and appreciate one another ?

What do I know.. my other half leaves the house at 6.30 am every day and returns twelve hours later. He makes a cracking cup of tea and that is about it. I do everything else.

I had a horrible marriage before I met him , so I am just grateful that the man likes and loves me and wants to be with me. Also he never criticises anything I do and I am far from perfect.
This may not do for a lot of people but we are all different. You have to find out what works to make you both happy IMHO

@bunny85

Chances this post was in reply to you, sorry, I wish I knew how to tag people

Type in @ and a list of names will come up and then just keep typing in the name of the person until they come up.

I think the two of you could try to step away from the mum/dad/housekeeping/worker role for a bit and have a proper discussion about the two of you/your relationship/your life and how you can both make all of that fit together. You may not think it's perfect but nothing is and it definitely does sound fixable. Best of luck 🤞

@isitsixoclockalready thank you! Let's see if this worked

[quote bunny85]@isitsixoclockalready thank you! Let's see if this worked [/quote]
Perfect

@Eviebeans yes I've been trying a lot of it. He's a terrible talker when it comes to discussing relationships, it's the no-nonsense upbringing that he had that's to blame. However even after a half-decent chat he seems to make an effort and for a week or so he's Mr Pleasant. Then gradually he slips back into his snappy ways

What really surprises me about this whole thread is how sex hasn't come up even once. In a thread about a man being grumpy! He sounds like a decent guy to me and I wouldn't be surprised if there are intimacy problems he's too embarrassed to bring up.

Oh no the sex is fantastic. He'd probably be happy with more of it, I agree, and he is super nice when we have sex often But it can be tricky with little ones. We have sex 1-3 times a week I'd say. It's always great when it happens, we've been extremely compatible from the start. However if we do it more often he'll be much happier, this is a fact. How come I never thought of it, thing is I don't want it daily

Oh God could it be that?? Now come to think of it it's when we don't have sex for a while that he becomes so snappy. Oh God why didn't I think of it

You do sound like a spoilt princess op, and very me, me,me and that you want it all. Give the bloke a break. Or he'll make one permanently!

it's mainly my complaining and moaning about how tired I am at the end of the day that is most likely getting on his nerves

It's ok to be honest about how you're doing. Don't compare yourself to other people and what they can manage. Everyone's different.

I'm trying very hard to understand first of all where the problem is and to, hopefully, correct it

It shouldn't all be down to you, he needs to address what he's doing wrong with how he speaks to you and the moodiness.

He often seems to be in a mood

I hate this, it makes life so unpleasant for everyone around the person. Ok, someone can be abit low or whatever but not moody in a way that creates an atmosphere.

However if we do it more often he'll be much happier, this is a fact. How come I never thought of it, thing is I don't want it daily

Don't have sex just to make him happier/things more bearable in the house. Only have it when you want to. xx

Wow, you definitely sound like a princess!

Maybe you should take the kids to the park on the weekend so he can sit down and relax too!

I think I would be snappy if I was him....however in my mind I imagine your very attractive and a bit of a trophy wife.....hard work is the price men pay to have that so swings and roundabouts really.

This thread is the Twilight Zone... I have now entered the Twilight Zone...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I do find myself attractive and always have, some people may say I'm not. Right now I'm happy with myself as only just managed to lose all the baby weight. The last year has taken its toll on me though with no sleep at all and you do need sleep to be beautiful. This is why I'm taking care of myself now, mentally and physically as giving birth and breastfeeding is a hard job for a woman, this has also made me overly sensitive. I'm gradually getting my old self back, rather I'm working on it. Deep down I'm convinced that I'm a prize for my husband even though I know I'll get a next round of rotten tomatoes my way now for saying this. But this is how I feel about myself.

Is he a prize for you?

Deep down I'm convinced that I'm a prize for my husband

I think it's really great that you have a good level of health esteem, and I really agree that it is important to take care of yourself well.

I was just wondering, what it is about you that makes you a prize? I'm not trying to be rude, just genuinely interested.

If I was a man I wouldn't like to be married to someone like you. He works hard to give you and the kids a nice life but you aren't satisfied with that ! I bet you went On about wanting kids and now you've got theM you don't stop
Moaning and Finding fault in him for nothing. Of course you are both tired it's hard working and having young children no one said it was easy !!! Try and think about all the things you have to be happy about instead. He is snappy because he is tired too. Be kind to each other. Help each other instead of a contest about who does more and you will get along much better You both need to appreciate each other for a happy marriage

What is it that makes you "a prize"? Why does your husband have to treat you like a princess when you don't treat him like a prince?

Well this is the sort of question that I love to answer as I generally love talking about myself, but am never given a chance! As it all about him lately (wasn't the case in the beginning of our relationship!)

So what makes me a prize. I genuinely think I'm very well educated (I have a degree and a postgrad in a very difficult subject- not going to say which as it's very outing and I've already let out way too much, just don't want to be recognised here!), I'm well read (I love books and read daily- not only about parenting!), I'm interesting to talk to, I have a sense of humour, I'm good looking (again that's subjective but my opinion), I'm fit (again subjective but I'm size 8-10), I'm loyal, caring, I'm a good mum (I read a lot to my children, spend time with them, make them organic meals from the scratch, well I love them which is most important), I think I'm a good wife (otherwise I wouldn't be on here asking for an insight into my husband's behaviour- I'd just dump him!), I think we have a great sex life (I love dressing up for him, I have lots of baby dolls, stockings etc, some crazy sexy outfits and I love making an effort and NOT to please him- I genuinely enjoy and obviously he does too), well what else... When I go back to work my profession enables me to earn very good money, I have hobbies, I have lots of friends... I'm also kind, I do contribute to various charities (not a fortune, but regular donations), I love animals, love people...I try to help people in general, I cry if I watch a documentary about someone suffering, I try to do something good (make a donation, make a gift), I love making gifts to people, I listen to people when they talk, I'm attentive. I also cook well and I'm stylish. I'm a good driver, I'm fun to be around. I have a good taste and our house looks very nice with all the stylish things I buy (he notices this and comments on them!). I love my parents and speak to them daily and care for them, I love my mother in law. I genuinely consider myself pretty perfect, yes I know I've been spoilt by my family and my husband and this is one flaw and I'm going to work on it, I'm a bit short tempered but nothing too bad, who isn't, I am a bit materialistic (I love beautiful things and jewellery) but I don't think I have any seriously bad flaws... I've always thought that I'm a fantastic person. I also heard other men saying to my husband that he's a lucky guy and I think they're right.

Didn't mean to brag at all by the way before someone starts throwing rotten eggs my way- just said why I think I'm a prize for my husband! As asked in the question below.

I said it before but this must be a wind up !

@Magnificentmug12

Wow, you definitely sound like a princess!

Maybe you should take the kids to the park on the weekend so he can sit down and relax too!

I think I would be snappy if I was him....however in my mind I imagine your very attractive and a bit of a trophy wife.....hard work is the price men pay to have that so swings and roundabouts really.

So after looking after the kids alone all week she should start doing that on weekends too? Nope. In our household it's reversed, I'm the earner while my husband stays at home - I make a point of doing solo childcare on a weekend as my husband needs the break and I would actually like some alone time with my DC too.

There are people saying that being a SAHM is much easier than working in a stressful job - I totally disagree. The mental toll of being alone much of the time while on maternity leave was horrible for me, plus there's no down time - at least when working you get the commute, the odd coffee or lunch break plus adult conversation.

You’re describing a lot of middle class Mumsnetters on here OP.

I cry if I watch a documentary about someone suffering

Still kisses with saliva
No longer empty and frantic
Like a cat
Tied to a stick

Ah. You’re a good driver