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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother says I am not allowing him contact with my child.

166 replies

Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 12:56

The general gist is my brother has decided to cut me out of his life and does not want to talk to me at all.
I have a ten year old child who has access to a mobile phone for youtube etc but does not have and does not need a sim card so no phone number. The phone is an iphone so while my sister can imessage him or facetime him my brother does not have any apple products and is not looking to get any.

We are in an area with strict lockdown. Cannot leave our homes to go far and my brother and mother (only family in this country) are in different counties so no way to drop or collect child.

Clearly I am missing some way my child and my brother could have some contact as my sister keeps repeating that there has to be a way yet neither of us can think of one but my brother is telling all and sundry that i am stopping my child contact with him so I must be missing something surely?

My brother has my phone number blocked so I cannot get my child to call or text him from there.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 01/03/2021 13:03

How about you tell your brother that he doesn't get to cut you off and still call the shots in your family?

I would not want someone clearly so hostile towards me having contact with a child I was still absolutely responsible for the welfare of (as in, it would be different if they were 17 ish).

You don't get to 'cut me off' and expect a relationship with MY child!

mindutopia · 01/03/2021 13:04

I think that relationships with family (at least until children are older, 16 ish?) need to be mediated by you. If your relationship with your brother is not healthy enough that you have no contact with him, then it doesn't seem appropriate for him to have contact with your child. You come as a bundle as he is still too little to make independent decisions for himself about the people (including family) that he wants to have in his life.

I am NC with family members and the rule is that this applies to my children as well. If someone is cruel and abusive to me, there is no way in hell I am not going to protect my children from them. Your brother has no 'right' to a relationship with your children, independent of the one with you at this point.

If you truly wish for them to have a relationship (I truly cannot see why you would given how you describe him), then it's quite easy to set up zoom calls between them. You can do that on any internet enabled device (including a smartphone). You can put your ds on, step to the side, and your brother can join. Alternatively, if you wish to have someone else on the call, you could set up a zoom between your ds and your sister, and then your sister could add your brother to the zoom session. It's very easy to do, unless your brother has no access to the internet at all. But lord knows why you'd want to.

AppleKatie · 01/03/2021 13:05

If he wants a relationship with your child he can unblock you number and ring it to talk to said child.

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 01/03/2021 13:05

He wants to keep you cut off but is complaining he can't contact your child? 😂 just ignore him

FishyFriday · 01/03/2021 13:06

Why does your brother even think that he is entitled to contact with your child when he’s refusing to have anything to do with you?

He can grow up and sort out his relationship with you if he wants to see his nephew.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/03/2021 13:07

I suggest you keep him out of your life and your child's life. He sounds very toxic.

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 13:07

Thank you and I am of the same opinion but of course saying that somehow has now made my brother the victim and far from him not being able to contact my child through his own fault apparently I am with holding contact! I am just trying to establish is there another way that I have not been thinking of that they could have some contact if me and my child were agreeable to it but I can think of nothing. I parent alone so childs father cannot help and we have no friends in common although my own friends have exactly your viewpoint too.

OP posts:
Love51 · 01/03/2021 13:09

Ditto. Family members get to have a relationship with my child because I love and trust them. My children know who are "safe" people because of how their dad and I act around them. If you don't want a relationship with me, why would you get one with my child?
This is being driven by your brother and his ego. If your child was clamouring to see his uncle then I'd think how that could be done, but if brother didn't want a relationship with the childs parents then it couldn't be done in a way I would accept as safe. You haven't mentioned how your son feels, so perhaps he isn't fussed?

Usagi12 · 01/03/2021 13:09

Why on earth would you let him have a relationship with your child? If you cut off contact with the parent then you cut off contact with the children surely? They're too young to maintain am independent relationship with an adult who is not a parent. It's his own choice. Stop looking for solutions, he made this choice so it's down to him to come up with a solution and your job to say yes or no. With my brother I chose no btw, he was too toxic to have in their lives. Good luck.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/03/2021 13:11

Ridiculous, he sounds like my ex husband who has me blocked from every device known to man then runs around bleating to all our mutual friends how he regrets everything and wishes it hadn't ended like this.
I just couldn't care less any more tbh neither should you.
If he can't make it easy for your child to ring him then stop bothering.

wandawombat · 01/03/2021 13:12

He can bog off.

Wouldn't let him near my hamster, never mind an actual child if he can't behave like as adult & sort out his issues with you.

No right to see your dc at all.

Graphista · 01/03/2021 13:13

Why would you allow contact between a young child and someone who has cut you the parent out of their life? Makes no sense

I am nc with my sister and while it saddens me greatly I understand/understood this also meant no more contact with dns, though if they wish to have contact as adults I won't reject that as my dispute is not with them

Also like hell was she still having contact with Dd as a child, her treatment of dd was one of the main reasons I went nc in the first place!

He wants it all ways doesn't he?! Well he doesn't get it all his way!

There doesn't have to be a way to maintain contact at all

There's a real possibility he's wanting to drip poison about you anyway - or at least that he would do so unconsciously

Why do you seem to want to bend over backwards? Do you think you have done something that warrants the nc? So weird the way you are towards this brother

Tell him to do one!

HelenUrth · 01/03/2021 13:13

You're setting a very dangerous precedent for your child if you let him think it's ok for him to have a relationship with someone who has cut you out of their life.

Windinmyhair · 01/03/2021 13:14

I agree with those who say if he has no relationship with you, he should have no relationship with your son. He is not your ex partner he is your brother and he doesn’t have a say.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2021 13:15

Don't be daft, OP. He doesn't want you in his life. Do you really think he'd be a good influence on your child?

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 13:17

I just wanted really to make sure it was not me in the wrong here. Our childhood was not great and my sister (and parents) seem to side with my brother on this is basically me looking for validation that I am not the one in the wrong here which is good. I did think I was losing my mind there about two weeks ago when my sister who does not even live on this continent told me that there HAS to be a way but you are all right. If he can treat me abusively then he should not have access to my child.

OP posts:
Dery · 01/03/2021 13:17

What everyone else has said. Your brother created this situation by cutting you off - why does he imagine that he gets to maintain a relationship with your child? He sounds like he should be kept away from your child. It also sounds like you’re very used to him throwing his weight around and doing what he tells you to do. How about you call his bluff - just say: you’re right, you’ve cut me off so no, you don’t get to speak to my child.

Ninkanink · 01/03/2021 13:18

Your brother has absolutely no right to demand contact with your son...Morally or legally!

Ignore him, and protect your son. Your brother sounds deeply dysfunctional. You are under no obligation to let him have any contact whatsoever with your child.

Dery · 01/03/2021 13:18

You’re right.

IvysPoison · 01/03/2021 13:22

I agree to an extent with other opinions on here. Your brother doesn't get to call the shots in this situation. This is your child, not his, and you get to decide whether he has contact with your brother or not. I personally wouldn't allow my dc to spend time with a person who would bad mouth me to my child or others, but I can also appreciate that if your dc was close to your brother (?) before the cut of contact between you and your brother that it may seem like punishing the child to get back at your brother by not allowing them contact. It's difficult.

If you do decide to allow contact between them then you need strict ground rules ie. if your brother bad mouths you to your child then all contact will be cut immediately.

However, if your dc had little in the way of relationship with your brother before the falling out then I wouldn't even bother trying to find a way to make it work.

TheSandman · 01/03/2021 13:28

Your brother doesn't have any right to demand access to your child but, if you want to allow it that's your prerogative too.

Any suggestions?

Last time I looked the Post Office were still in business. If your brother really wants to keep in touch with his nephew tell him to write a letter.

PetesBigSausagePizza · 01/03/2021 13:32

Is he treating you abusively? Or is he just not dealing with you?
Because if he is abusive, of course, he should not have any access to your child. And I don't know why you are trying to facilitate it.

If it's the latter, and your brother just has his own issues with you then I thnk you owe your child some contact with their uncle as it sounds like you have not got lots of family anyway and it might be nice for your son?

Why has your brother cut you out?

My sister can email my kids and I have offered to let her call them. We don't speak (also her choice). I've made ahem, comments about her husband which I stand by but she didn't appreciate.

I trust her though and the limited contact she has with my kids is beneficial.

Your brother isn't owed contact with your son. but your child might be owed contact with their uncle if it it benefits him iyswim.

PetesBigSausagePizza · 01/03/2021 13:34

Last time I looked the Post Office were still in business. If your brother really wants to keep in touch with his nephew tell him to write a letter.

My nan lived on the other side of the country gorwing up and she used to write me lovely letters with felt tips and glitter and stickers. Kids bloody love post, probably more so now that it's a rarity. You can also more easily monitor what your brother writes to your son.

OP how old is your son?

katy1213 · 01/03/2021 13:34

Ignore him. He doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want my child to have contact with. His loss, not yours.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 01/03/2021 13:35

Nope. If he doesn't want a relationship with you then he doesn't get one with your child. That is bonkers. Your son is free to pursue a relationship with his uncle when he is an adult.