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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother says I am not allowing him contact with my child.

166 replies

Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 12:56

The general gist is my brother has decided to cut me out of his life and does not want to talk to me at all.
I have a ten year old child who has access to a mobile phone for youtube etc but does not have and does not need a sim card so no phone number. The phone is an iphone so while my sister can imessage him or facetime him my brother does not have any apple products and is not looking to get any.

We are in an area with strict lockdown. Cannot leave our homes to go far and my brother and mother (only family in this country) are in different counties so no way to drop or collect child.

Clearly I am missing some way my child and my brother could have some contact as my sister keeps repeating that there has to be a way yet neither of us can think of one but my brother is telling all and sundry that i am stopping my child contact with him so I must be missing something surely?

My brother has my phone number blocked so I cannot get my child to call or text him from there.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
PandaLady · 08/05/2021 07:45

He is just playing with you like a cat with a mouse. I would make it clear you are no longer up for any contact - he is unhinged!

MangoSeason · 08/05/2021 07:50

Do not go. If he wants you there, he needs to ask you himself. Your mum might be hoping to force you together with the magic of babies as glue. Don’t fall for your mum’s trap.

MangoSeason · 08/05/2021 07:54

Or alternatively (and this is what my brother would do) he has pretended to your mum that he really, really wants you to meet his baby. She has excitedly organised the meeting. When you arrive, he will blank you, pleased that he made both you and your mum jump.

Justilou1 · 08/05/2021 08:00

Your mum is trying to put you both in a really uncomfortable position and force the situation. I really don’t think that’s the right way to go about it. Your brother has unblocked you to put you in an impossible place of being unable to do anything right. He is ungracious and nasty. He was going to say that you hadn’t even congratulated him, but you did. Ha!

Saltyslug · 08/05/2021 08:01

Could you get a pay as you go sim but not put cash on it very often. For WhatsApp use

Lollypop4 · 08/05/2021 08:08

Honestly, Too much effort and thought from you.
Just don't bother, go NC , simple.
If asked why by uour mother, remind her, he cut you off and didnt bother with even a 'Happy Birthday' to your son..
So why should you bother

Meowchickameowmeow · 08/05/2021 08:29

You don't owe your brother any contact with your child, he sounds like an utter knob. Tell him to jog on.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/05/2021 08:43

Sounds more like your DM wanted you to go and visit than your DB, she probably hates the rift and thinks if you gave in it would all be fine. None of this is your fault, your DB sounds very childish rehashing childhood arguments to the point of NC. When he wants to be an adult he can see your son and you can see his baby but don't let him use his child as emotional blackmail

PicsInRed · 08/05/2021 10:45

@PandaLady

He is just playing with you like a cat with a mouse. I would make it clear you are no longer up for any contact - he is unhinged!
It's this.

Reading his last message, one could actually picture his smirk as he put his phone back down after responding to you.

I would have him on a permanent very very very low contact - the sort of polite "hello, how are you" you might have in passing with someone you were somewhat acquainted with 5 years ago. That's it. Grey rock any nonsense from your family, turn the volume right down on any drama they want to stir up and focus on the good mental health of your own nuclear family. Do not respond at all to his last text or future emotional phishing from him in this, or any from his representatives, including his partner and your mother.

You can do this. Flowers

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 08/05/2021 13:08

@MangoSeason

Or alternatively (and this is what my brother would do) he has pretended to your mum that he really, really wants you to meet his baby. She has excitedly organised the meeting. When you arrive, he will blank you, pleased that he made both you and your mum jump.
This is exactly what I feel would happen and I cannot allow my child to be in that situation. I do not want my son thinking this is acceptable.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 08/05/2021 13:11

@Justilou1

Your mum is trying to put you both in a really uncomfortable position and force the situation. I really don’t think that’s the right way to go about it. Your brother has unblocked you to put you in an impossible place of being unable to do anything right. He is ungracious and nasty. He was going to say that you hadn’t even congratulated him, but you did. Ha!
Thank you so much, this is exactly how I feel but my mum and sister always see him as the victim. I am on medication for anxiety and depression because my brother cut me out of his life. I just cannot cope with it and I know it is something I need to deal with myself but I cannot. I dont understand why these people chose to treat me the way they do. I genuinely do not think I deserve it but yes they are blaming the actual victim. No matter what my brother does he will be right but the one person affected by this doesnt seem to matter and I am sick of being blamed on things I have not done. I genuinely would have been open to my brother talking to me but he chose not to and somehow this is my fault?
OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 08/05/2021 13:13

@Daleksatemyshed

Sounds more like your DM wanted you to go and visit than your DB, she probably hates the rift and thinks if you gave in it would all be fine. None of this is your fault, your DB sounds very childish rehashing childhood arguments to the point of NC. When he wants to be an adult he can see your son and you can see his baby but don't let him use his child as emotional blackmail
Yes thank you this is exactly how I feel but I am feeling so bullied by my mum into contacting hm and now I have and it was pointless but it brings back all the hurt and pain. We were so close me and my brother. He is my childs godfather but I may never meet his daughter. Its so painful but moreso when everyone seems to blame me for this when I have genuinely done nothing wrong.
OP posts:
RaelImperialAerosolKid · 08/05/2021 13:22

I think your mum is trying to smooth things over - but putting the responsibility on you to make the first move - you did this and was rebuffed - so fuck him - next time your mum raises the issue - tell her that you tried and he is not interested so you're getting on with your life - wish them well but don't engage with his games .

Your responsibility is to your son - so what if they think you're the bad guy - stand by your gut instinct and you can't go wrong .

Daleksatemyshed · 08/05/2021 14:19

I'm sorry this is so hard for you @Pickledpenguin but neither of you are children now. It sounds like he can do no wrong which is weird when he sulks and carries on like this especially to the point where you're on medication from the stress. I'd tell DM and DSis that you tried and he knocked you back so the next move is up to him. Don't let them bully you (and that is what they're doing), change the subject and refuse to engage.
Sadly in some families there's the underrated child who can never be right, that's unfair to you and you don't have to tolerate it. I'm sure you have many lovely qualities and now you need to be strong and get on with your life. Good luck

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2021 14:25

Limit contact with your mum. She’s a pain in the arse, massively overstepping and trying to control you. You need to prioritise your mental health and immediate family and you can’t do that while you’re giving these toxic manipulative arseholes precious head space.

harknesswitch · 08/05/2021 14:59

Go back to nc with your db, the ball is in his court, with regards to your mum, LC is the place to be, if she mentions it again tell her you reached out to him and it's now up to him. You won't be going to her house to meet him unless he directly asks.

In all honesty, and I know it's easy to say, but I'd go NC with all of them

MadMadMadamMim · 08/05/2021 15:12

I would not go. I would laugh if mum raises it again and say, Goodness! He has my number and knows where I live. He's a grown up. He can contact me if he wants to.

And then I'd change the subject. If she persisted I'd say breezily, "Got to go!" and put the phone down.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 08/05/2021 17:12

Tell the lot of them to sod off. Your child doesn't need contact with people who dislike his mother so much that they block her and are rude and nasty.
It sounds like they feel they have some ownership over your child and you don't matter. Ignore them all and get on with your own little family.

Justilou1 · 09/05/2021 01:30

Victim-blaming is actually very common in these situations. Best to leave them to it.

BlueVelvetStars · 09/05/2021 03:28

@AnneLovesGilbert

Limit contact with your mum. She’s a pain in the arse, massively overstepping and trying to control you. You need to prioritise your mental health and immediate family and you can’t do that while you’re giving these toxic manipulative arseholes precious head space.

I have to agree 🌺

BlueVelvetStars · 09/05/2021 03:29

Block them all.. permanently.

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 09/05/2021 08:56

Well in the end the deal is cemented that I will never contact him again. I went for a shower and when I got out my whatsapp had a very lengthy message from him telling me I am causing drama (?) and looking for attention (?) and basically nobody likes me, everyone hates me, I have no respect for either of our parents and I am an alcoholic. So the fact I asked him did he genuinely want me to visit and meet the baby now somehow has him calling me all of the above and I am only asking him for drama. Its baffling. Oh and I use my son as a pawn too. He clearly has anger issues and I wonder if they are actually internal ones and he is just projecting them onto me but I just responded that I will no longer deal with his abuse - neither the silent treatment which clearly is better than verbal abuse which I will not tollerate either. We are done. What a horrible man.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 09/05/2021 09:03

You should have replied LMAO with a laughing face.

7yo7yo · 09/05/2021 09:03

Treat him like a child.

Justilou1 · 09/05/2021 10:05

You used far too many words.