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Original poster

Brother says I am not allowing him contact with my child.

166 replies

Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 12:56

The general gist is my brother has decided to cut me out of his life and does not want to talk to me at all.
I have a ten year old child who has access to a mobile phone for youtube etc but does not have and does not need a sim card so no phone number. The phone is an iphone so while my sister can imessage him or facetime him my brother does not have any apple products and is not looking to get any.

We are in an area with strict lockdown. Cannot leave our homes to go far and my brother and mother (only family in this country) are in different counties so no way to drop or collect child.

Clearly I am missing some way my child and my brother could have some contact as my sister keeps repeating that there has to be a way yet neither of us can think of one but my brother is telling all and sundry that i am stopping my child contact with him so I must be missing something surely?

My brother has my phone number blocked so I cannot get my child to call or text him from there.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 01/03/2021 13:41

@Pickledpenguin

I just wanted really to make sure it was not me in the wrong here. Our childhood was not great and my sister (and parents) seem to side with my brother on this is basically me looking for validation that I am not the one in the wrong here which is good. I did think I was losing my mind there about two weeks ago when my sister who does not even live on this continent told me that there HAS to be a way but you are all right. If he can treat me abusively then he should not have access to my child.
Your sister is correct, there IS a way for your brother to have a relationship with your child. He fixes his relationship with you. Simples. Until then he can jog on.

I've been no contact with my family for years. There's no way they'd get access to my young child. My older, adult DD made her own mind up and dedided she didn't want any contact with people who caused her mum so much pain.

MagdasMadHouse · 01/03/2021 13:41

My children don't get to have relationships with family I've gone NC with, because I need to facilitate a relationship until they are old enough to do that themselves. That doesn't mean changing your rules on SIM cards, that means your brother needs to respect them.

If you can iMessage or FaceTime someone who doesn't have a phone number then you use their apple email address. So pickledpenguinDC@icloud or whatever

MagdasMadHouse · 01/03/2021 13:42

So you can email that email address to! Can send photos, videos, emails and attachments

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 13:42

Thanks all. I am working from home and the child is with me so will be back on when he is gone out of the room and respond again ;)

OP posts:
Weirdnessabounds · 01/03/2021 13:45

The answer is for your sister is yes there are ways, but you don’t have to / want to use them. End of the matter.
You do not owe your brother contact with your child. He is batshit crazy, let him tell everyone he knows you are stopping his contact with your child, everyone else will then know he is crazy. As PP said the Post Office is still in business, people did manage to keep in touch for many years before phones or electronic devices were even invented.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/03/2021 13:47

@HollowTalk

Don't be daft, OP. He doesn't want you in his life. Do you really think he'd be a good influence on your child?
This^
RoosterRoosteringFree · 01/03/2021 13:47

Why has your brother cut you out of his life? There could be a big part of the story missing here

Whenwillow · 01/03/2021 13:48

Nobody, family or otherwise, is owed a relationship with your child.
You are not the one in the wrong here. Your brother sounds like a bully. Protect your child now, and build a good relationship with him. If and when the time comes that your son wants to get to know your brother, you will both need that as your brother is likely to try to poison his mind against you.

Whenwillow · 01/03/2021 13:50

Sorry, I seen to have made an assumption that your child is a boy.

Notonthestairs · 01/03/2021 13:55

I don't really understand why you'd give any thought of facilitating a relationship between your child and a family member you don't get along with.

Extended family aren't owed contact.

Ninkanink · 01/03/2021 13:57

Oh yes sorry I don’t know why I thought it was a son either. Maybe just got confused somewhere...

Anyway, the sex of the child makes absolutely no difference.

Beautiful3 · 01/03/2021 13:59

He's bullying you by isolating you, you shouldn't allow him contact with your son.

endlesswicker · 01/03/2021 14:04

There is nothing stopping your brother writing a letter to your dc is there? And nothing stopping your dc from writing back.

Fieldsofstars · 01/03/2021 14:06

I’m in a similar situation, my brother was in hospital critically unwell and his wife blew up on me for calling the hospital to ask if I could see if he was at least ok after weeks of sporadic vague messages and hostility. Sadly I retaliated (to her) and he has ignored me for 6 months, but sent presents for my children on their birthdays whilst ignoring mine.
I don’t understand it at all.

Just cut yourself off from toxic situations like this, it’s not worth it at all.

EL8888 · 01/03/2021 14:06

Is your brother always so contrary and hard work?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2021 14:10

Your brother is toxic and does not have any right to state he wants a relationship with your child. Your sister is further trying to stir things by behaving as a flying monkey (i.e doing their bidding for them). Ignore her opinion because she is really not interested in hearing your side of things.

lunar1 · 01/03/2021 14:13

There is no way someone behaving like this should have contact with your child while bypassing you.

Collaborate · 01/03/2021 14:13

I'm in a similar position to you, only it's my sister.

To be honest due to the way she's behaved since going no contact (blanking me on the rare occasions when we have met in the last 8 years, unless she's haranguing me), if have the deepest antipathy towards her and am quite content that my kids don't see her. When family members decide to cut themselves off from you they cut themselves off from your family too. It's your brother's decision. Let him live with it. I'd be disgusted with the rest of your family for siding with him on this.

billy1966 · 01/03/2021 14:17

The cheek of them.

They do not get to dictate to you about your child.

Don't entertain ANY conversation on this point.

They sound toxic.
Flowers

user1471462428 · 01/03/2021 14:18

Why are you trying to appease a bully?

HollowTalk · 01/03/2021 14:21

@user1471462428

Why are you trying to appease a bully?
This sums it up.
dottiedodah · 01/03/2021 14:36

If he has cut you off then no access to your Son either FFS.What so he can badmouth you to him? No bloody chance Id be having that! Tell him to bore off .Just dont respond .As they say "you can choose your friends ,but not your relations"

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 14:39

A few things to answer from reading:

A son yes and 10 years old.

No he is not very close to my child at all being honest. They see each other at family meals and things, or did before covid etc but I would say my brother has 'babysat' or minded my child less than 10 times in his life. He has offered the odd time but it has not suited as we are different counties and we all work, have school etc.

Background is that we argue over our childhood every so often, last time being my birthday last year. Same argument all the time and really should not be so we both decided not to discuss it again. For me it meant just not talking about that one thing but for my brother he decided its easier to just not talk to me at all but that is really it.

Is my brother abusive... well I think the silent treatment is abuse so possibly so. In other ways no. No big back story at all just he has chosen to go no contact with me but for some reason has convinced the others in the family that somehow I am the one stopping contact. I sometimes need to ask my friend things because I get confused and wonder if it is me the problem although deep down I know it is him.

OP posts:
peak2021 · 01/03/2021 14:39

He has no obligation to maintain a relationship with your child and no right to have one. As mentioned earlier, he can write if he chooses to.

GolfForBrains · 01/03/2021 14:41

Beware that if sister has contact, she may try to facilitate contact between your brother and your child and you might not know what's exactly being said about you or why they aren't having direct contact (or your child is told to keep it secret from you) . I'd make sure all the family know that given the situation between you and your brother, you don't want your brother to have contact - it's not just that it isn't possible - and everyone should respect that.