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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother says I am not allowing him contact with my child.

166 replies

Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 12:56

The general gist is my brother has decided to cut me out of his life and does not want to talk to me at all.
I have a ten year old child who has access to a mobile phone for youtube etc but does not have and does not need a sim card so no phone number. The phone is an iphone so while my sister can imessage him or facetime him my brother does not have any apple products and is not looking to get any.

We are in an area with strict lockdown. Cannot leave our homes to go far and my brother and mother (only family in this country) are in different counties so no way to drop or collect child.

Clearly I am missing some way my child and my brother could have some contact as my sister keeps repeating that there has to be a way yet neither of us can think of one but my brother is telling all and sundry that i am stopping my child contact with him so I must be missing something surely?

My brother has my phone number blocked so I cannot get my child to call or text him from there.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 09/05/2021 13:36

If he replies simply send him 👍 then block.

If your Mum mentions him in anyway shape or form tell her you are no longer discussing him with her. I'd also not encourage a relationship with your dc via your Mum either.

He's toxic and should have nothing to do with you or your family

Teatreat · 09/05/2021 13:42

Feeling pained just reading this. I'd block the lot of them.What a complete bellend your brother is!

WhiskyIrnBru · 09/05/2021 15:03

@Pickledpenguin

Well in the end the deal is cemented that I will never contact him again. I went for a shower and when I got out my whatsapp had a very lengthy message from him telling me I am causing drama (?) and looking for attention (?) and basically nobody likes me, everyone hates me, I have no respect for either of our parents and I am an alcoholic. So the fact I asked him did he genuinely want me to visit and meet the baby now somehow has him calling me all of the above and I am only asking him for drama. Its baffling. Oh and I use my son as a pawn too. He clearly has anger issues and I wonder if they are actually internal ones and he is just projecting them onto me but I just responded that I will no longer deal with his abuse - neither the silent treatment which clearly is better than verbal abuse which I will not tollerate either. We are done. What a horrible man.
I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I've read your thread and I am in a similar situation with my brother (are we sisters?!)

This thread has really helped ease any guilt I felt about going NC with my DB and DM.

Stick to your guns.

kolo · 09/05/2021 16:57

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar situation with my brother, so can empathise. My brother has cut contact with me, won't tell me why. I've tried to reach out to him, but it's been almost 2 years now. Occasionally I'd get a load of abuse on SM from him, so I've had to block him. He's not seen or spoken to my kids in all that time (he doesn't have kids). We don't have any other family who could take sides, but the fact we don't have anyone else made me more sad about the whole thing. I feel so much guilt about the fact that my children have lost the one relationship they had with my family and I'm not at a point (yet?) where I can say they're better off without him.

My brother sounds so similar to yours - controlling, childish, vindictive. It's so sad.

WaltzingBetty · 09/05/2021 17:19

@Pickledpenguin

Well in the end the deal is cemented that I will never contact him again. I went for a shower and when I got out my whatsapp had a very lengthy message from him telling me I am causing drama (?) and looking for attention (?) and basically nobody likes me, everyone hates me, I have no respect for either of our parents and I am an alcoholic. So the fact I asked him did he genuinely want me to visit and meet the baby now somehow has him calling me all of the above and I am only asking him for drama. Its baffling. Oh and I use my son as a pawn too. He clearly has anger issues and I wonder if they are actually internal ones and he is just projecting them onto me but I just responded that I will no longer deal with his abuse - neither the silent treatment which clearly is better than verbal abuse which I will not tollerate either. We are done. What a horrible man.
Then screenshot the messages, send them to your sister and mother and state that you've tried it clearly he has no interest in reconciling so you are respecting his wishes. Then refuse to discuss it further
BlueVelvetStars · 09/05/2021 18:46

I hope you Blocked this arrogant twat 😳

Justilou1 · 11/05/2021 01:25

I would screenshot it, send it to your mother and say “This is what happens when you interfere. Thanks so much for that. I don’t need or deserve that kind of abuse. He obviously DOESN’T want me to see the baby, and that’s fine. That’s HIS call, not YOURS! I am not going to allow myself to be put in that position again. It’s too painful.”

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 11/05/2021 07:55

@Justilou1

I would screenshot it, send it to your mother and say “This is what happens when you interfere. Thanks so much for that. I don’t need or deserve that kind of abuse. He obviously DOESN’T want me to see the baby, and that’s fine. That’s HIS call, not YOURS! I am not going to allow myself to be put in that position again. It’s too painful.”
That is exactly what I did. She insists he said we were welcome over but then i pointed out if we were he would have messaged me directly rather than go through someone else but sure apparently me looking for an invitation is attention seeking drama. Imagine someone cutting you out of their life for months and you just arriving at their door. Definitely not something i felt comfortable with and turns out i was right not to put me and my son in that poistion but as usual victim brother is turning it all around on me. He is draining.
OP posts:
MollyButton · 11/05/2021 08:07

I would suggest you take a break from all of them.
Maybe read Toxic Families.
Be kind to yourself and reconsider exactly where to place your boundaries.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/05/2021 08:17

Where did the "alcoholic" bit come from? Confused

All I can say is it's a good thing you didn't take the second-hand invitation for gospel. Obviously his first reply "at some point you will meet baby" is more than a little different from "yes, come over on x date". Imagine the drama, that he is accusing you of wanting, had you turned up on the doorstep only to find that wasn't what he wanted or expected at all.

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 11/05/2021 09:48

The alcoholic bit is just to try make me out to be something im not. My dad is a recovered alcoholic so its like hes trying to get a rise out ofme. My entire family are obsessed with talking about alcohol.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 11/05/2021 10:47

In which case, I would suggest maybe blocking them all and pouring yourself a glass of wine and toasting the lot of the while giving them the finger? (I am very mature like that....) *Unless you have addictive tendencies of your own, of course... Leave them to their judgements and their criticisms. Has it occurred to you that they’re spending so much time focused on you because their own lives are boring or going to hell in a hand basket?

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 11/05/2021 11:14

LOL I am not a huge drinker despite what they say as I work during the week and spend weekends in college and sure the odd bit of parenting thrown in too ;)

Yes I think they are bored with their respective lives. Either than or each of them have issues and are projecting onto me. My brother brought up shite again about the past the other day which i had not said one word about and then said I was harbouring issues from the past. I have to laugh at him to be honest. he tried his best to get an argument going while accusing me of looking for drama and genuinely cannot see the irony. I have not spoken to the rest of them anyway this week and have no intention of it. Now things are opening back up here I have appointments and back to sports and all on top of work and study so they may quite frankly fuck off.

OP posts:
Fnib · 11/05/2021 11:22

Well done @Pickledpenguin you have the perfect attitude!

Evergibbon · 11/05/2021 12:05

God I'd just reply with a thumbs up. Let them crack on. Its tiresome right?

Justilou1 · 11/05/2021 12:39

It takes two to make an argument. if you don't engage, they'll soon move onto each other... Like Lord of the Flies.

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