Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother says I am not allowing him contact with my child.

166 replies

Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 12:56

The general gist is my brother has decided to cut me out of his life and does not want to talk to me at all.
I have a ten year old child who has access to a mobile phone for youtube etc but does not have and does not need a sim card so no phone number. The phone is an iphone so while my sister can imessage him or facetime him my brother does not have any apple products and is not looking to get any.

We are in an area with strict lockdown. Cannot leave our homes to go far and my brother and mother (only family in this country) are in different counties so no way to drop or collect child.

Clearly I am missing some way my child and my brother could have some contact as my sister keeps repeating that there has to be a way yet neither of us can think of one but my brother is telling all and sundry that i am stopping my child contact with him so I must be missing something surely?

My brother has my phone number blocked so I cannot get my child to call or text him from there.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
sueelleker · 01/03/2021 16:36

Why does he think he's automatically got a right to see your child?

PetesBigSausagePizza · 01/03/2021 16:38

A child is not an object or pawn in power games.

Well exactly. A child is a human in their own right with their own family relationships. To the child this is not his mother's brother. this is his uncle.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/03/2021 16:40

How am I being rude?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/03/2021 16:43

Don't tell me to get over myself after saying I'm being rude. Very hypocritical

Do what you want in your scenario, you're not the OP.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/03/2021 16:44

@PetesBigSausagePizza

A child is not an object or pawn in power games.

Well exactly. A child is a human in their own right with their own family relationships. To the child this is not his mother's brother. this is his uncle.

Yes and could be a very toxic one Which the parent is allowed to protect from.
MargosKaftan · 01/03/2021 16:46

Do you think your brother would add anything positive to your DS's life that he's not getting elsewhere? Do you think your brother can have a healthy relationship with your son, not badmouthing you, when he can't have a healthy relationship with you and can't leave whatever this childhood issue is alone when talking to you?

Children don't need extended family relationships if they are not positive.

Just leave it, if your child is too young to have their own phone, that means you have judged they are too young to have contact with people without your knowledge/control.

PetesBigSausagePizza · 01/03/2021 16:49

Have you got nothing better to do?

If you think that's polite I'd hate to see you when you think you think you're being rude.

Do what you want in your scenario, you're not the OP.

Now as the OP was asking about how to facilitate the relationship with her brother and child I think my experience is valid and will continue to politely post to the OP. She did not come on thread only asking for the opinion of silenceisgolden. I'm not sure why you think she was. Maybe stop derailing now.

And yes, I think get over yourself was an expected response to your rude comments.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/03/2021 16:53

Yeah bored of you now.

Back to the OP

PanamaPattie · 01/03/2021 16:54

I would block your brother and your flying monkey sister from all your devices.

ktp100 · 01/03/2021 17:02
  1. Your brother is not entitled to contact to your child.
  1. I wouldn't allow my child contact with a family member who refuses to have contact with me.
  1. Stop letting others tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Your child, your choice.
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/03/2021 17:03

@LionLily

In view of your update stating that your brother and your ds did not have a close relationship anyway, there was no special friendship between them - your brother is seeking to use your child as a weapon in his disagreement with you, both directly and indirectly by complaining to other people about this. Tell them all to shut up about your brother, you don't want to hear it anymore. You don't have the money or the inclination to be buying tech to facilitate a relationship that never existed and may indeed only be a tool for passive aggressive underhand aggravation towards you.
Yes to this.
Dontbeme · 01/03/2021 17:10

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

That's a strange way to behave over a child that isn't his. Why is he so invested/interested in him?
A power move to yank the OP's chain and to make her the wrong one in the family, any chance you're the family scapegoat OP and he or sister is the golden child?
Sickoffamilydrama · 01/03/2021 20:09

Mmm interesting one OP my DBro is no/low contact with DSis & I..not because we've done anything more because he's angry at the world and obviously it's our fault number one rule it's always someone else's fault that he's not been as successful in life as he wanted. Oh & we don't allow him to be abusive towards us and call us things like cunts.

Luckily he hasn't done similar to you DBro but I can see that I would end up having the same thoughts as you. I think when your family dynamics are skewed then it's hard sometimes to see where & what the "normal" boundaries should be.

What it has made me realise is I should check he can't contact my DD who are early teens. As I've had some drunken what's apps from him.

Haffiana · 01/03/2021 23:38

All this golden child blah stuff is just people reading their own family set up into OPs.

OK. Sister (aunt) can and does contact child whenever she wants. Brother (uncle) cannot using the same method as sister for technical reasons. Sister and brother both think there should be a way to make it possible. Sister has stood up for brother over this. Sister is also being shitty about this to OP but nevertheless still has contact with child, right?

Brother has blocked OPs phone. Not clear if this was before or after this family rift but one suspects after. OP and brother have history of arguing about what happened (??) in their childhood.

Brother is in a huff, presumably because he cannot (like me, tbh) understand why sister can contact child whenever and whatever, but he cannot. Since he could of course contact child at any time via OPs fully-functioning phone makes me suspect that there is a piece of the story missed out here.

It is all just the usual sibling rivalry and drama and bad feelings. No-one appears to have been grown up enough to have actually asked child whether he would like to speak to his uncle and aunt, so maybe all of them should just go NC with each other - child in a few years when he is old enough to get out of it all.

BlueThistles · 02/03/2021 01:01

He would isolate your Son from you too OP.. like he has done with all your family members ...

Trust your instincts and tell him to Piss Off 🌺

SandyY2K · 02/03/2021 10:00

I agree with lots of the responses. If he's cut you out of his life, then he can forget contact with your child.

I would also ask you sisters not to mention it again, as it's upsetting.

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 02/03/2021 10:02

Sorry I am only coming back to this now, a lot to think over last night.

The question I guess is realistically how they are making me out to be the one with holding contact but it is impossible bar my brother writing to my son as has been pointed out. For full disclosure, and although I mentioned my sister, while she has full access to facetime or imessage my son she does not bother. She rarely contacts me to be honest. My mother has ipad and has only rarely facetimed him also, he really only has me especially now with covid etc so I feel bad for him. I am not sure even if he had a phone number that my brother would bother contacting him either, I think he is just frustrated that the control of being able to contact him has been removed but he is the one that has removed it.

My brother and I were really close years ago but he has anger issues I think and everytime i do or say anything that he perceives to be not what he wants to hear he blanks me. I am not the only one he has done this to, the silent treatment is his preferred form of abuse and he has done it to me countless times over the years.

Lots of food for thought here and I am not going out of my way to facilitate a relationship between them by any means, I was just wondering if there is something fundamental I was missing but it appears not.

I am sorry my post seems to have brought up some bad memories for others too and sorry again that a few of us are in this situation. It is hard because you want a family to be a unit but I guess not all of us can have what we want.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 02/03/2021 10:52

I would not allow a child to have unsupervised access to a family member who has shown they can be abusive. If your brother isn't happy with that the tough shit.

If anyone tries to pull you up on it, it's really none of their business. They can have an opinion of the situation but that's all. I'd simply say, and keep saying

'My priority is my dc, my decisions are based on what's best for my dc. If my db wants to discuss this with me then he's more than welcome to, he's got my telephone number'

BlueThistles · 02/03/2021 12:09

why do you insist in calling it 'Contact' 🤔

there is no legal ground here... or even a president that would give your brother access. You are in control not your brother..

I am literally baffled by the 'control' you allow these people in you and by default your sons life ..

is it in your child's best interests to see these people... No

🌺

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/03/2021 12:35

" I think he is just frustrated that the control of being able to contact him has been removed but he is the one that has removed it."

I think you're spot on with this observation @Pickledpenguin. Your brother has issues, but those issues are his and his alone; nothing to do with you.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 02/03/2021 13:06

There is nothing here to suggest that brother actually wants any contact. He is basically just saying stuff and whinging.

Sounds like the real problem is your sister. I'd tell her to butt out.

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 02/03/2021 14:42

Oh I don't think my brother WANTS any contact as such with my child but he wants the option of it. He and the rest of them seem totally oblivious to the fact that he is the only one stopping himself contact. Honestly it is all hot air and the more I read the responses the more I think what a twat. I am so sick and tired of for some reason having to explain everything I do to a family that do not know me at all to be honest but I think this might just be the last straw. My friends are right - do not contact any of them and you will not get any of them contacting you.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 02/03/2021 14:45

Yes block them all.. they are exhausting 🌺

Silenceisgolden20 · 02/03/2021 15:35

Just because they are family, doesn't mean you have to accept their behaviour.

Sunshine1922 · 02/03/2021 16:12

Hi OP.

Unfortunately I think you are about to discover how dysfunctional your entire family are.

If you go onto the relationships board and find the "we took you to stately homes" thread, you'll find a group of people in a similar position. Xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread