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Original poster

Brother says I am not allowing him contact with my child.

166 replies

Pickledpenguin · 01/03/2021 12:56

The general gist is my brother has decided to cut me out of his life and does not want to talk to me at all.
I have a ten year old child who has access to a mobile phone for youtube etc but does not have and does not need a sim card so no phone number. The phone is an iphone so while my sister can imessage him or facetime him my brother does not have any apple products and is not looking to get any.

We are in an area with strict lockdown. Cannot leave our homes to go far and my brother and mother (only family in this country) are in different counties so no way to drop or collect child.

Clearly I am missing some way my child and my brother could have some contact as my sister keeps repeating that there has to be a way yet neither of us can think of one but my brother is telling all and sundry that i am stopping my child contact with him so I must be missing something surely?

My brother has my phone number blocked so I cannot get my child to call or text him from there.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/03/2021 17:33

@Pickledpenguin

Oh I don't think my brother WANTS any contact as such with my child but he wants the option of it. He and the rest of them seem totally oblivious to the fact that he is the only one stopping himself contact. Honestly it is all hot air and the more I read the responses the more I think what a twat. I am so sick and tired of for some reason having to explain everything I do to a family that do not know me at all to be honest but I think this might just be the last straw. My friends are right - do not contact any of them and you will not get any of them contacting you.
Needs to buy himself an iPhone then, doesn't he?

and then you can block him

sonjadog · 02/03/2021 18:22

I suspect this is more a powerplay and a reason to complain about you than a real interest in contacting his nephew. If he really wanted to contact him, then there is email, letters, postcards, Zoom etc. There are lots of ways that do not require the ownership of an Apple product. That he is incapable of thinking of any of these suggests that he isn't actually interested. He would also not be making it all your task to find a way to communication. Is he actually prepared to make any effort himself? Sounds more like he just looking for a way to make himself the victim here.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 03/03/2021 03:03

If my brother cut me off he wouldn't be having a relationship with my child. He sounds petty and juvenile and will probably say inappropriate things to try to turn your child against you.

Collaborate · 03/03/2021 08:38

@Pickledpenguin

Oh I don't think my brother WANTS any contact as such with my child but he wants the option of it. He and the rest of them seem totally oblivious to the fact that he is the only one stopping himself contact. Honestly it is all hot air and the more I read the responses the more I think what a twat. I am so sick and tired of for some reason having to explain everything I do to a family that do not know me at all to be honest but I think this might just be the last straw. My friends are right - do not contact any of them and you will not get any of them contacting you.
This is exactly how over the last 8 years of silence and blanking I have come to think the same of my sister. It hardens you, and you realise you've lost nothing but a relationship with a toxic person. Looking back, their silent treatment has done you a favour.
Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 03/03/2021 08:40

Im feeling realy empowered reading responses. Deep down I know this problem is 100% my brother but its very hard when your family are a bunch of people who have always minimised you and your life choices etc. I used to think they came from a goid place and were just trying to be supportive in their own ways but Im seein since covid that they are anything but. Neither of my siblings have kids themselves so really i should be ignoring anything they have to say about mine.

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 03/03/2021 08:56

Sounds like your brother is just trying to cause trouble and paint you as the bad guy. And he sounds like the golden child...

Bollox to the lot of them, I'd block them all. Couldn't be arsed with all the drama!

SVRT19674 · 03/03/2021 08:59

If he won´t have contact with myself he won´t have contact with my son. And yes, no problem sending birthday cards or xmas cards if he wants and when the child is older if they want to pursue a relationship that is their prerogative. But you don´t get to shun me and then tell me how to raise my kids or who should have access to them. He is not the father.

RedGoldAndGreene · 03/03/2021 09:04

He's being ridiculous. If he can't bear taking to you he needs his wife to call your phone on his behalf and watch the FaceTime. However I don't think that somebody this abusive should ha e access to your son anyway. I'd ignore him. Is contact a good idea anyway? You don't want your son dragged into this fucked up dynamic

RedGoldAndGreene · 03/03/2021 09:04

Your brother isn't owed contact with your son. He needs to grow up or shut up quite frankly.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 03/03/2021 09:18

Do you think your Mother and sister side with your brother in fear of him giving them the silent treatment?

You should not be pandering to him, he is abusive, stonewalling or silent treatment is abusive, do as I say or I will display my displeasure. He sounds awful.

You don't owe your family anything. They have no rights to a relationship with your son. Go low contact with your Mother and sister if they cannot support you. Cut your brother out of your life entirely.

I would question why he wanted a relationship with your son who he has not been close to unless it is to drip poison in his ear about you.

ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 09:29

He has no legal rights to contact with your child and it sounds like he should not be welcomed. He’s nasty and it’s in your child’s best interests to not encourage it. Start standing up for yourself and saying no to your family

Mittens030869 · 03/03/2021 11:17

Last time I looked the Post Office were still in business. If your brother really wants to keep in touch with his nephew tell him to write a letter.

This obviously. If your brother wants to keep in touch with his nephew, he’s quite capable of writing to him or sending birthday/Christmas cards and presents.

Or he can swallow his pride and contact him via your phone.

Does he really care about his nephew, though? Of is he only using him as a way to turn your parents and sister against you? If this is the case, then your DS would be better off not being in contact with him.

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 03/03/2021 14:47

So my mum rang me this morning about something and as always the conversation turned to my brother. I said I was done with him and that he has just hurt me too much and put me through so much since he chose to not speak to me (in the middle of a global pandemic where people are bloody lonely enough like) that I have to worry about myself and be done totally with him too and not allow myself to be hurt by him anymore. Her response to me was that sure when he becomes a father (happening in a few months) that HE will see things differently and I should soften up a bit. Unbelievable. He can literally get away with treating anyone the way he wants because sure his mother will always defend him. Pain in my tits with it all quite frankly at this point.

OP posts:
Whenwillow · 03/03/2021 14:50

Ah she can fuck right off with expecting you to soften up to him.
This sort of thing makes me so cross!

Devlesko · 03/03/2021 14:56

I'd write him a letter tbh, asking why on earth your son would want a relationship with an extended family member who has gone nc?
Remind him he has no right for a relationship with your child, and your child never mentions him.
Hopefully this should do the trick.

Notaroadrunner · 03/03/2021 15:59

I'd be ignoring her calls for a while if that's her attitude.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2021 16:24

"Her response to me was that sure when he becomes a father (happening in a few months) that HE will see things differently and I should soften up a bit."

'No mum, he'll continue to be a self-absorbed knob because that's what you taught him to be. And you don't get to order me around.'

Cornishclio · 03/03/2021 16:28

How weird? He does not want contact with you but he does with your 10 year old son? That is not how things work. I would not worry about it and just let him get on with his own life. If he wants a relationship with your son he needs to sort out his relationship with you first. That could be difficult for your son to be stuck in the middle. Once he is an adult that is a different story. How entitled is he?

harknesswitch · 03/03/2021 16:30

What @WhereYouLeftIt said x1000000

RedMarauder · 03/03/2021 16:33

@ruledbynine

He has no legal rights to contact with your child and it sounds like he should not be welcomed. He’s nasty and it’s in your child’s best interests to not encourage it. Start standing up for yourself and saying no to your family
This.

Until your child is off an age where he has a mobile phone with a SIM e.g. secondary school age so can contact his uncle himself, ignore your brother.

Every time your sister, mum or other relation brings it up simply tell them you are not discussing it and change the subject. If they refuse to get your message end the call or if you are seeing them face-to-face leave the situation. They will soon stop forcing the issue.

Original poster
Pickledpenguin · 08/05/2021 06:57

So to give an update on this.. My brothers baby was recently born. We are still under lockdown of sorts where I am but either way both my brother and his other half sent me pics of the new child. I was delighted of course but sure I am walking on eggshells with these people considering one decided to cut me out of his life and of course his other half then did same but I assume due to loyalty.

So my mother rings me, tells me wonderful brother wants me and my son to meet this new child. Great but I have not been asked this by brother and I think after him totally blocking me from his life the past 9 months that an invite from him would be more welcoming but mother says no - she is passing on message and expects me to be at at their house this weekend. I have stewed on it because I do miss my brother and his other half and definitely want to meet my niece but think that manners if nothing else would mean he would contact me about a visitation. We are in a different county and actually currently it goes outside of restrictions but apparently my family have been going against restrictions anyway so an invite would not be unheard of I guess. I just want to point out that my own childs birthday was the week of this new babys birth and my brother at that point still had not contacted my son via my phone to wish him happy birthday, instead waiting on my mum to video call him with my son when she came to visit (Ireland and she is fully vacc for info) so my brother has not spoken to me, contacted me in any way bar the pics of the newborn yet mum assumes i should contact him to arrange a visit.

So things go along for a week and then I decide fuck it, I will give in and text him now my number is apparently unblocked so I said basically 'Mum says you want me to meet your baby, when suits and thanks'. I got a response saying 'yes at some point you will meet baby' and that was it.

I am baffled, hurt, annoyed and pissed off.

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 08/05/2021 07:31

Hmm. I wouldn’t bother with him. Your mum has probably overstepped.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/05/2021 07:35

He doesn't have any rights over your family. He is the one behaving like a spoilt child. Its up to him to figure out contact not you.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 08/05/2021 07:37

if he was that bothered he could always write a letter! nice for the ten year old to receive a letter.

Dozer · 08/05/2021 07:43

Would maintain your decision for your brother to have no contact with your DC until such time he and you are in contact etc. And then no contact when you or your DP are not present.

Would ignore your Mum and other siblings on any matters to do with your brother - ‘flying monkeys’. Read up on the ‘stately homes’ thread reading recommendations.