Husband has announced hes not happy and moving out for 6 months

[Sadsomerset]

Hi

We got married 4.5 years ago, second for me, first for him. I am 60 and he is 52. We were very happy, live in a beautiful part of the country with some land, animals. He works full time as a roofer, i lost my part time job in the first lockdown. Since the 2nd lockdown we have argued a bit, i have put this down to the long winter with nothing much to do - he likes to keep busy, making things and riding his motorbike. On friday he looked really fed up after work so i asked him what was wrong, he said nothing but it was obvious he wasnt happy so i asked again. He snapped my head off, said im ffing knackered and all you do is pick pick pick. I tried to say i was just concerned but he just said go away, i dont want to talk to you. This is how arguments always go and then he sulks.

The next morning I had to take older dog to the vets, he has kennel cough. When i got home he went out on his bike, woudnt speak to me. Later in the evening i said can we sort this out. Thats when he said, im not happy and im going to rent somewhere for 6 months and then well see if we want to be together. I think im in shock but cant see how this would work? He says we could still meet up, would i want to? I have told my sons who were great but they live in sussex, i have no other family nearby and my mum died suddenly in november 2019. I feel very sad and alone, all advice welcome and thanks for reading

@Sadsomerset

I know you got annoyed about people's comments about his son but you mentioned the son, so surely it's fair and reasonable for people to point out that it might be indicative of your partner's approach to life that it sounds like he chose not to fight to see his son and instead just let contact dwindle. That's something one would hope a responsible and loving parent jusy wouldn't do. So it's relevant to the discussion as it shows what kind of person he is when the going gets tough. We wouldn't know about his son if you didn't mention it!

I agree, if you mention something a bit inflammatory like that but don’t add the rest of the info until it’s challenged - well no one is a mind reader. Originally, you left it that his son doubted he was his dad and they had left contact at 13. You didn’t add - however, he did a dna test, he has tried to regain contact, he pays maintenance etc
If you don’t want to say all that - suggest you avoid bringing up information that you think is irrelevant to the thread. Any information you provide will obviously raise questions , that’s what the forum is here for - to look at things from different perspectives you might not have thought of. I do still question why he isn’t talking to his dad, if mum is poisoning him why is older son still coming to see him. I do think it is important from the (lack) of information you provided to understand this other key relationship break down. If you really think it is irrelevant though that’s fine.
You are being quite defensive of him lately - justifying everything he does. I wouldn’t be defensive of someone who sprang this on me tbh. You really have no idea what he might be up to with this happening so suddenly and without him even trying to work on the marriage through counselling etc. It would definitely ignite me to see him as someone very much not on my side

OP, ask yourself why you are now aggressively defending a husband who sulks, is verbally unpleasant, and after several years of marriage has out of the blue declared his intention of moving out for six months to 'see if you still want to be together', adding that you can see each other if you want?

Sorry you have been upset by what you see as assumptions OP, but people can only go on the information you provide and your latest post gives a clearer picture. l think other posters have your interests at heart and are just trying to advise. I think in this situation protect yourself first and foremost, getting professional advice cn only be a good idea. You don't know what he is thinking so you can only look after yourself but keep the lines of communication open if you can.

I'm out!

Tried to be helpful - as did others - and you're just throwing a tantrum now really cos you're not hearing what you want to hear

We can't "make assumptions" because all we have to go on is what YOU said and told us.

Your reaction now is making me for one think there may well be other - good - reasons why he's had enough. Seems you're not able to listen to others and hear hard truths. Think you have a bit of a temper too

That can be very difficult to live with.

You've had some excellent advice, maybe you'll take it maybe you won't but I think you'll have many regrets about this situation

@Sillysandy

Hi OP,

Sorry to read this. He sounds at best like he's an immature selfish idiot, at worst he sounds like a cheater who is going to trial something else.

Regardless you have to put yourself first here. If he wants to go, let him go. You will be ok. Your home sounds lovely. I know your sons are far away but that is just physical distance. They are still with you. Hopefully the world will be opening up some more soon. Focus on yourself and what you like to do and spend your time.

Try not to obsess about him - there is nothing you can do about how he spends his time. Set yourself a certain period each day where you think about things (maybe one hour), then you don't spend the rest of the day caught up with it, the thoughts will come and you will say "right that's something to figure out this evening".

Accept what you can't control (he wants to leave) and focus on what you can (yourself). Do not tell him you will be waiting in the wings (and don't be), just tell him he is free to go. It's his loss.

I'm so sorry about your mum. I heard something very comforting to me when I was in hospital and talking about my grief. The lady said to picture my dad sailing away on a boat, picture me waving to him, he's looking back at me then just before he disappears over the horizon I see him turn to face the direction he's heading - he has spotted his loved ones waiting for him on the other side. I thought it was a lovely image.

I think your husband sounds like a sulky spoilt brat by the way and you are way too good for him.

Was it this?

I hate to say this but one of the biggest cheats I ever knew was a roofer who would have sex/ affairs with his clients . However it does sound like he doesn't want to be married anymore and I suspect this is an easy way out for him . You do need to agree as others have said about what to expect in these months . I would not agree to 6 months but TBH there is nothing you can do to stop him.

@gutful

Why would you take your children’s inheritance?

She may not , but I think it's very kind of then to offer. You know nothing about their own money situations , they could be quite well off.

@AnotherEmma

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

He sounds awful and my advice is to seek legal advice on ending the marriage.

Rights of Women (website and helpline) is a good place to start. The Advicenow website has useful guides too.

Are you looking for work?

How much do you have in savings, is it more or less than £16k?

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse

Now let's calm down a bit, maybe the guy isn't dealing with something very well and has trouble talking about it. Let's not put a label on this and assume the guy is an abuser.

How-ever his reaction did seem to come out of the blue?

With me out is over. It's not something I would tolerate.

Perhaps he's gone off you because you are Very defensive.

People were only trying to help you.

@Sadsomerset Soooo, all this defending in so many ways this man who's being horrible to you. Does this mean you're just going to sit around waiting for him to decide you're worthy?

Even if he doesn't move out for 6 months, you'll know you're 'on probation' and he's not fully committed to you.

They are very well off so i really dont think he needs to steal my inheritance

Having money/potential money rarely stops someone from trying to obtain more money if they think they can.

@Sadsomerset I've just come across your post, it's your decision on how you feel about giving your husband the space. I did see you had said you now would not accept financial help from your sons. If I had offered to help a parent I would mean that and if you want to accept that then you do so. They way I see it as my parents have given to much to me and helped me I would want to do the same. Don't not accept the help because a forums been having a go. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. X