Husband has announced hes not happy and moving out for 6 months

[Sadsomerset]

Hi

We got married 4.5 years ago, second for me, first for him. I am 60 and he is 52. We were very happy, live in a beautiful part of the country with some land, animals. He works full time as a roofer, i lost my part time job in the first lockdown. Since the 2nd lockdown we have argued a bit, i have put this down to the long winter with nothing much to do - he likes to keep busy, making things and riding his motorbike. On friday he looked really fed up after work so i asked him what was wrong, he said nothing but it was obvious he wasnt happy so i asked again. He snapped my head off, said im ffing knackered and all you do is pick pick pick. I tried to say i was just concerned but he just said go away, i dont want to talk to you. This is how arguments always go and then he sulks.

The next morning I had to take older dog to the vets, he has kennel cough. When i got home he went out on his bike, woudnt speak to me. Later in the evening i said can we sort this out. Thats when he said, im not happy and im going to rent somewhere for 6 months and then well see if we want to be together. I think im in shock but cant see how this would work? He says we could still meet up, would i want to? I have told my sons who were great but they live in sussex, i have no other family nearby and my mum died suddenly in november 2019. I feel very sad and alone, all advice welcome and thanks for reading

I’m sure most of us have felt like running off from our partners during lockdown. The difference is we don’t, it’s not what adults do. You argue and resolve. Perhaps you are incompatible because you’re fiery and he’s non - confrontational. The two are a poor mix . Has this always been the case or got worse recently? I would have thought counselling rather than running away would have been a better option? I wouldn’t be agreeing to 6 months at all
I would worry that your mum didn’t like him (always a red flag) also imagine that there’s more to the 19 year old story. If dh told my child I wasn’t the mum, sure as hell I would fix that lie and it wouldn’t be the reason for separation. Did he run out on their mum too perhaps? This stuff is all relevant because it’s evidence of the type of person he is.
There was a thread on here with a woman in a similar position to you and at the end of the 6 months the guy needed another two months, then more months. He ended up with someone else and she was desperately clinging onto every meeting waiting for him to change his mind. It was very painful to read.
Definitely protect your money and assume the worst x

Sorry this is happening to you OP, I haven’t read the whole thread and there are a lot more wiser posters than me offering great advice.

I just came to suggest getting a job with the consensus - they are hiring at the moment for March and April, which might tide you over to May? Sorry if it’s been suggested already

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation - it must have come as a big shock. It sounds to me as though it's all over. He hasn't made any suggestion of marriage counselling or trying to work on resolving any issues he may have. Six months is a long time - it would be different if he said he needed a few days away to clear his head or think things over. There may well be someone else but unless you find proof, I'm not sure that it makes much difference.

I agree that you need to see a solicitor a.s.a.p. but you should also try to access some counselling for yourself. Can you see someone via the NHS? I'm not in the UK so I don't know if your GP can refer you for free counselling. And of course, it might be online counselling rather than seeing someone face to face. It will help you to come to terms with everything that's happened and decide what you want.

Finding a job will be a priority too but perhaps easier said than done given how Covid has turned everything upside down.

Your sons sound lovely and I hope you have some close friends for support also.

You know what, I'd preempt him and go straight to a solicitor to file for divorce. Why should he leave you hanging around?

Just let him go, say goodbye though. He will come back if he wants to, you don't have to take him
Back though.

Just a few thoughts:

• your DM didn't like him - massive red flag. Why didn't she like him? I'm assuming that she had your best interests at heart, so why didn't you take her concerns seriously?

• I'm glad you've decided not to use your DSs' inheritance money. Please look start seriously job hunting, if you aren't already. Your job at the pub doesn't sound like it would support you - or would it?

• don't let him decide to leave and then perhaps come back. Decide what YOU want. TBH, a man who hadn't got married until he was 47, despite having DC with a previous DP, would make me ask why. He had more than one DC with this woman, by the sound of it, so why not marry her? Was he always on the look out for something better back then to?

• I'm also glad you've taken on board the need to seek legal advice immediately. This is a short marriage, so make sure it stays that way so you don't end up losing some of your inheritance. It sounds like your 'D'H has enough money to look after himself, which is good.

• finally, never try to hold onto to someone who wants to leave. Hold open the door and say 'Off you go then'.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. Faced with a vague trial separation threat 2 years ago, I learned as much as I could about it. Maybe it will help you.

According to my therapist, temporary separations usually drive a bigger wedge between people. Something like 80% of US couples end up divorcing. Out of the rest, about 14% stay married but permanently separated. Only 6% successfully reunite. In a non-abusive, non-cheating relationship, she encourages patients to work on small ways to reconnect from within a marriage, rather than either of them leaving.

If a couple does separate, there needs to be a set of rules in place. Finances, how long until they reevaluate, who will live where, what kind of contact between each other and the children (if applicable), whether or not dating and sex are on the table (either between the couple, or with others), and what it would take to reconcile. I'd want to add individual counseling for each/marriage counseling as part of the agreement.

Whether he agrees or not, leaves or changes his mind, counseling might be really beneficial. It could help you decide whether you want to continue and what a different life might look like. You'd also be getting some tools to help you deal with your situation. No matter what happens, therapy could be a very positive step. It was a life-saver for me.

I hope things work out for you.

@LApprentiSorcier

Going against the grain rather, I wouldn't tolerate being put on hold like this, while in all probability he is checking out other options. I think you should tell him that if he moves out, it's over.

He wants to dangle you on a string as an exercise of power. Have none of it.

This is exactly how i would feel. As you are married he has financial obligarions on the house.

Don't do anything with your inheritance without legal advice.

Never mind fb messages and birthday money.
Has he been paying maintenance for the son he never sees? At the very least putting savings aside for him??

Also, even though it makes it feel official, a legal separation provides protection for you and your assets.

And I get what you said about wanting to clear up arguments right away. It sounds like he just wants to forget them. Either way, nothing gets resolved. Every so often, we go with the other to our individual therapists. Each of them have recommended the same thing.
If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, we stop, but with the mutual understanding that we will talk about it again within 3 days. Tempers cool, emotions calm down, and we get the opportunity to reflect on things before discussing again. Most of the time that works for us. We've resolved or at least understand things we've been arguing about for years. I was shocked at how much we've learned about ourselves and each other.

Thank you, i willl look into that

@cptartapp

Never mind fb messages and birthday money. Has he been paying maintenance for the son he never sees? At the very least putting savings aside for him??

Yes hes paid maintenance every month for 17 years, its stopped now as A is at uni. I think you should be on the gingerbread forum really. This is not why i posted, it was for advice on a completely different issue. I dont think making personal comments about me or my oh are helpful either. This has reminded me why I left MN years ago. Thank you to the people who gave rational, well thought out advice.

The beautiful south song "a little time" comes to mind...

He sounds a bit "oldest swinger in town" type is he? How did you meet? How did your relationship initially develop? 1st marriage for him at 47/48? Had he been in a ltr before?

Shore up as much as you can legally/financially

Don't be available to him emotionally/sexually during this time of separation he wants "space"? Let him have it!

make it clear you are to remain faithful during this time apart as you are still married

See what his response is!

I think that's good advice. Suss out his motives

I'd check whether there will be a difference in the money awarded to him from marital assets after 5 years marriage rather than 4.5 years

Excellent point, I did slightly better in my divorce as it was finalised after 10 years even though we'd separated earlier

And...he's a deadbeat dad too, what a surprise!

What made you think he'd be fully committed to you op if he wasn't to his child?

His son decided he didnt want any contact with him, his mum told him my husband wasnt his dad. It isnt true. But this isnt really relevant but a decent man, a committed dad wouldn't let any of that put him off! He'd offer to do a dna test to reassure the son, he'd make more effort with their relationship generally, plus who told you this - him?!

I too wonder if you're afraid to be single. Being single can be amazing I'm 48 and have been single to all intents and purposes (I'm not a nun!) for almost 19 years. I much prefer living alone.

His behaviour towards his child IS relevant! It speaks to his attitude to his responsibilities to others and his ability to sustain a commitment.

I actually wonder given the timings of everything and certain questions you've avoided answering whether his estrangement from his son was linked to his relationship with you. Not that you are to blame that responsibility lies with him alone but it all creates a picture.

Sounds like you rather left mn as you don't like hearing uncomfortable truths?

Not an uncommon reaction but foolish imo.

I agree your mum and sons apparent dislike/distrust of him also speaks to your possibly having made foolish decisions around this man before now

Due to the short length of your marriage, I would be very careful that he doesn't make a mug out of you financially.
I think you should have listened to your mother.

I know you haven’t seen evidence of OW, but the multiple solitary bike rides he makes does make me wonder if he could be seeing someone. There is also the possibility he could have a second secret phone,.
I could be way off, but men usually have someone in the background when they pull a stunt like this.

I would have thought that if he is at all invested in the marriage, and wants to make things work, he should be asking if you can work at things together, or perhaps have some counselling. Saying he wants to me out for six months as all about him claiming the agenda and moving to a ‘stage two’ without having even talked to you about it or tried option one.

I’d be deeply unimpressed.

@autumnalrain

The only reason a child would not want contact with their own mum or dad is if they were either abusive or had an affair and broke up the family. (I speak from experience as a child in that situation).

As you are a parent who I’m sure is devoted to their kids and couldn’t imagine not having them in their lives, doesn’t alarm bells ring for you OP? He must have done something you are not aware of.

They’re not the only reasons...

people are asking questions about the dynamic with his child because it helps provide context to Your situation. Trying to understand better & read into what you’re saying is posters taking the time to look at your story from different angles.

We all have had our own experiences in relationships & you can’t presume to think that someone on here might pick up on something you say or ask a certain question about a topic you haven’t talked about - and then relate that to your issue at hand.

At the end of the day he has a disconnected relationship with his child, hasn’t seemingly fought to stay in child’s life, is an absentee father, had never been married until he was in his 50s then after a pretty short marriage has thrown in the towel without apparently giving you the opportunity to change your behaviour. He’s already made his mind up to leave & rent somewhere else & peace out for “6 months”

Based on his history we now know this may be a shock to you, but it can’t exactly be a surprise.

Think that is why you’re responding so defensively when people question him being an absentee father. Is it because deep down you know you had blinkers on?

How did you come to be married? What would you say were both your main motivations to get married in the first place?

@Graphista

The beautiful south song "a little time" comes to mind...

He sounds a bit "oldest swinger in town" type is he? How did you meet? How did your relationship initially develop? 1st marriage for him at 47/48? Had he been in a ltr before?

Shore up as much as you can legally/financially

Don't be available to him emotionally/sexually during this time of separation he wants "space"? Let him have it!

make it clear you are to remain faithful during this time apart as you are still married

See what his response is!

I think that's good advice. Suss out his motives

I'd check whether there will be a difference in the money awarded to him from marital assets after 5 years marriage rather than 4.5 years

Excellent point, I did slightly better in my divorce as it was finalised after 10 years even though we'd separated earlier

And...he's a deadbeat dad too, what a surprise!

What made you think he'd be fully committed to you op if he wasn't to his child?

His son decided he didnt want any contact with him, his mum told him my husband wasnt his dad. It isnt true. But this isnt really relevant but a decent man, a committed dad wouldn't let any of that put him off! He'd offer to do a dna test to reassure the son, he'd make more effort with their relationship generally, plus who told you this - him?!

I too wonder if you're afraid to be single. Being single can be amazing I'm 48 and have been single to all intents and purposes (I'm not a nun!) for almost 19 years. I much prefer living alone.

His behaviour towards his child IS relevant! It speaks to his attitude to his responsibilities to others and his ability to sustain a commitment.

I actually wonder given the timings of everything and certain questions you've avoided answering whether his estrangement from his son was linked to his relationship with you. Not that you are to blame that responsibility lies with him alone but it all creates a picture.

Sounds like you rather left mn as you don't like hearing uncomfortable truths?

Not an uncommon reaction but foolish imo.

I agree your mum and sons apparent dislike/distrust of him also speaks to your possibly having made foolish decisions around this man before now

Good morning

The things some of your assume!! Of course theyve done a dna test (would you like to see it?) hes not an idiot! No solitary bike rides, I usually go on the back. If i dont its because i choose not too. My mum didnt like many people, she was always very critical of me, i was mainly brought up by my grandparents. Yes hes had ltrs and as to the oldest swinger in town lmao, a couple of pints in our pub or a quiz at the village hall hardly constitutes a raver! I was single for a long time and perfectly happy thank you.

I wonder if some of you are actually adhering to lockdown rules. We certainly have and even then i got covid. You seem to think people are careering all over the country having assignations with others. My friends and family have been nowhere in the last year.

Ill also add that he has a lovely family, parents and two siblings and their families that we see when we can. His father owns a timber business which my oh helps with. They are very well off so i really dont think he needs to steal my inheritance. Maybe ill steal his like im stealing my sons! This was never about that - i wanted an opinion of how to deal with a trial separation.

We see R his eldest regularly as ive already said, he stayed with us most weekends until he got his own place with his gf (and had with his dad since he was 3, A too until he stopped coming when he was 13 before i met his dad so nothing to do with me) So no disjointed relationship or abandoned child there, maintenance paid until he started working as per the law. Oh has paid for driving lessons and would help in any way. Now you know all our business. Perhaps we should get a hot tub then you can really lay into us

I'm very sorry OP but I don't think there is a "we"/"us" any more.

Your latest update gives a bit of a picture. You're snippy about people "knowing your business" um maybe don't come on a public Internet forum if you have that concern! Posters have spent time trying to offer options to you, how about you show a bit of appreciation, maybe we shouldn't have bothered. No one is laying into you.

I will add that saturday was the first time hes taken his bike out since october when he bought it. You probably dont know but its a bit cold and dangerous to ride a motorbike in the winter unless you really have to. Also weve adhered to lockdown - no unecessary travel.

@daisychain01

Your latest update gives a bit of a picture. You're snippy about people "knowing your business" um maybe don't come on a public Internet forum if you have that concern! Posters have spent time trying to offer options to you, how about you show a bit of appreciation, maybe we shouldn't have bothered. No one is laying into you.

Because people made assumptions about us. I have thanked everybody for good advice.

@Sadsomerset
I'm afraid the normal MN diatribe is there will always be another woman and LTB. It isn't always the case but I suppose it often is. However, things like your circumstances do happen especially with more mature people who are not tied by kids and maybe he is struggling. He might also have made his mind up but is trying to let you down gently? You won't know.

My boss was in exactly your circumstances. Second marriage, reasonably well off and he decided he didn't want to be there and moved out. He didn't say it was for 6 months as he intended it to be permanent.

They are both high earners although a lot nor their capital is hers but wasn't the issue. He saw her as your husband described you. She didn't want to get divorced and was shocked.

He did have a fling with an ex after moving out which his wife doesn't know about but she did keep asking for them to meet up and see how things went and eventually they got back together. Seem ok so far but I don't work closely with him any more so don't know the full story.

I think though you do really need to work on the basis that this is permanent and start doing some planning