Husband has announced hes not happy and moving out for 6 months

[Sadsomerset]

Hi

We got married 4.5 years ago, second for me, first for him. I am 60 and he is 52. We were very happy, live in a beautiful part of the country with some land, animals. He works full time as a roofer, i lost my part time job in the first lockdown. Since the 2nd lockdown we have argued a bit, i have put this down to the long winter with nothing much to do - he likes to keep busy, making things and riding his motorbike. On friday he looked really fed up after work so i asked him what was wrong, he said nothing but it was obvious he wasnt happy so i asked again. He snapped my head off, said im ffing knackered and all you do is pick pick pick. I tried to say i was just concerned but he just said go away, i dont want to talk to you. This is how arguments always go and then he sulks.

The next morning I had to take older dog to the vets, he has kennel cough. When i got home he went out on his bike, woudnt speak to me. Later in the evening i said can we sort this out. Thats when he said, im not happy and im going to rent somewhere for 6 months and then well see if we want to be together. I think im in shock but cant see how this would work? He says we could still meet up, would i want to? I have told my sons who were great but they live in sussex, i have no other family nearby and my mum died suddenly in november 2019. I feel very sad and alone, all advice welcome and thanks for reading

@HollowTalk
New-style JSA is not means-tested (it's based on NI contributions only) so the inheritance and any other savings are not relevant.

Well for a start, I'd move quickly on this as it's still a fairly short marriage - thinking about finances.

Clean break 50-50 and no claim to your inheritance is what you want.

...so no titting around for 18 months while he sulks, tries to 'find himself' and goes back and fro for a bit... not that you sound as if you'd let him.

He just sounds immature tbh and at 50-odd that's not going to change. It's pretty striking that this is his first marriage, at that age - no kids? Sounds like he's not really gone through major life stages and just isn't up to scratch.

I'd walk away - file for divorce, move nearer your sons and have a happy life without being stropped at!

@thefiend

I pay for holidays (i did) treats, his clothes and everthing for the animals. Bigger expenses like repairs we split. I have bought new carpets, pay for large household items, i pay insurance etc for my car. I am not sponging from him. When we first moved in together he wanted to support me and pay the day to day living expenses.perhaps he has changed his mind now.

As for being overwhelmed with family, i rarely see my sons and he chooses not to see his own very much, obviously its difficult with lockdown. He hasnt spoken to his younger son who is 19 for 6 years.

"He hasnt spoken to his younger son who is 19 for 6 years."

Why?

How could you be in a relationship with someone who did this to their own child?

@scotsllb

Why would you let your sons use their inheritance to bail you out? That seems massively unfair and rather selfish. Just sort out what you want to do with the money you have etc. He sounds like he's checked out the relationship and is calling the shots now.

Looking at it another way, it's a potentially pretty good investment vehicle for them - a jointly purchased property, which will eventually be theirs alone (or maybe even theirs alone now, and you live in it). And don't forget - that inheritance has come down the line from OP's mum who could have simply left it to OP in the first place!

The obvious is marriage guidance. Maybe over zoom? There are issues he doesn't like about you, maybe you blow up quickly? Some people get very upset with being in the receiving end and maybe something like this? Basically you need to ask him what the problems are and be prepared to listen. If he has valid issues and you do to, you need to both listen and accommodate each other.

As you get older I think people are less tolerant of behaviours they don't like.

So sorry to hear this O. P, it must have been a shock, but don't let 6 months dwindle away whilst he makes up his mind. As others have said, take professional advice now to protect yourself. Do you have equal shares in your current home and also if you are not working at present how will you manage? 16k doesn't last long if you are living off it. Meanwhile he is free to do what he likes!

he chooses not to see his own very much, obviously its difficult with lockdown. He hasnt spoken to his younger son who is 19 for 6 years.

Oh so he does have children, but yes IS an immature person who hasn't really come up to scratch with 'adulting' then.

Poor kids!

I wouldn't want to be with this man, the more you say about him.

I would speak to a solicitor on monday to find out the financial implications of splitting up now versus in 6 months.

I would look at what benefits I'd be entitled to.

I would look at getting a job in a supermarket (not just for the money, but to be around other people).

How has your relationship been over the last few years? It could be a lockdown thing or maybe he struggles living with someone if you say he's never been married. Or maybe he does want a break (though 6 months is way too long imo) or maybe your relationship is finished.

Whatever it is, find out all the information you can about the finances and then sit down and try and get him to talk to you properly and honestly.

"As for being overwhelmed with family, i rarely see my sons and he chooses not to see his own very much, obviously its difficult with lockdown. He hasn't spoken to his younger son who is 19 for 6 years".

Have you never questioned why that is?. What sort of adult did you marry here?. Lockdown has nothing to do with him choosing not to see his own children very much. Yet another red flag here re this man and you chose him poorly.

@LApprentiSorcier

Going against the grain rather, I wouldn't tolerate being put on hold like this, while in all probability he is checking out other options. I think you should tell him that if he moves out, it's over.

He wants to dangle you on a string as an exercise of power. Have none of it.

This. It will do nothing to improve the power dynamic in your relationship if he thinks he’s striking out solo on his motorbike for a 6-month shag fest, while the little woman hovers chastely at home, breathlessly awaiting his return.

I dont understand why if he needs space he doesnt just go to an air b n b for a few weeks, seems less drastic than 6 months and should give him the space and time he needs.

Sorry to read this. I wouldn't do a break. If he moved out, I would file for divorce.

It's hard starting again, but I'd rather be alone than with someone that gives you the silent treatment after a disagreement.

However, my view is slightly swayed by a man that stopped speaking to his child when he was 13...and has continued to not speak to him for 6 years.

So sorry to hear what you are going through op.
I agree with others. As soon as you feel up to it seem legal advice about where you stand. As about the difference in being married 5 years plus, if it does make a difference. Protect yourself.
Do what is best for you now, not your husband. You have the right to change your mind at any time.
Do not hang around for 6 months waiting for him to decide. You might get back together,both might not. He cannot expect to live the single life with you dangling on a string. Do not pay for things which benefit him.
I second the advice to look for work, any work As a means to a new social life as well as for financial gain.
Keep up contact with your ow family and look at ways of meeting new friends, Facebook interest groups for example.
Take care op.

Get your ducks in order, he is trying to stretch the marriage out for 5 years as some courts will consider this a long marriage and his claim on your property and inheritance has a bigger chance of being split more in his favour. It does sound like he just isn't good at being in a relationship or marriage and just wants out. He doesn't cope well with opening up and discussing problems to try and resolve things....he shows this with his non relationship with his son. Set him free and get to a divorce solicitor on Monday. Seek knowledge and help pack his bags for him. If he does a u turn then he has to get therapy to deal with communication or whatever is going on inside him. It may well not be another woman in this instance but he wants his freedom for some reason.

@gutful

No, its much dearer in the se, sw is cheap propertywise. I wouldnt have land or be able to keep the sheep etc.

Im getting a lot of stick, its early days and my sons are just trying to help. Nothing is decided and i wouldnt take advantage of them.

Im not a selfish moneygrabbing person!

His son decided he didnt want any contact with him, his mum told him my husband wasnt his dad. It isnt true. But this isnt really relevant

I wonder if he's fed up with paying for stuff if you're not working.

I can't see the issue with buying a property with your sons as presumably what you own will pass on to them anyway. If it's in their names it also avoids inheritance tax and property being sold to pay for old age care.

I think however you need to find a job - there must be other jobs than the pub? What did you do as a job when you met DH?

It's not great DH doesn't speak to his son.

When you separate things will be split so look into the 5 year thing. Maybe DH can take half your inheritance?

Thanks to all, lots of good advice and thanks to those with kind words. Another solicitor

Tend to agree with others that you probably both need a break.
6 months seems a long time, I would I thought 3 would be enough, but be clear it’s make or break time after that

I worked for the nhs at 111. I currently vo!unteer at a vaccination centre

I agree if you are in UK, apply for job seekers allowance
I assume your state retirement age is 66

Would seek legal advice asap about protecting your finances, if that’s even possible since you’re married. The longer you’re married the more of ‘your’ assets he could be entitled to.

I wouldn’t agree to X months of separation: if he moved out stating uncertainty about your relationship, would consider the relationship over.

You could easily get back to 111, my good friend has started there recently. Get back to work as soon as you can and get back to being with other people when you are at work. You would waltz straight back into that job. Protect yourself from this fall out as much as possible.

The only reason a child would not want contact with their own mum or dad is if they were either abusive or had an affair and broke up the family. (I speak from experience as a child in that situation).

As you are a parent who I’m sure is devoted to their kids and couldn’t imagine not having them in their lives, doesn’t alarm bells ring for you OP? He must have done something you are not aware of.

The 6 months he has said he needs could be either he wants to leave his options open or he is simply dragging things out rather than being brave and saying it is over for you both.
My ex suggested moving out for 6 months so he could continue living the single life which infact he had essentially done through most of our marriage. As far as I was concerned if he went he stayed gone and that is exactly what happened.
You have great children who are suporting you and I think the question you should be asking yourself is 'what do I want?'