Husband has announced hes not happy and moving out for 6 months

[Sadsomerset]

Hi

We got married 4.5 years ago, second for me, first for him. I am 60 and he is 52. We were very happy, live in a beautiful part of the country with some land, animals. He works full time as a roofer, i lost my part time job in the first lockdown. Since the 2nd lockdown we have argued a bit, i have put this down to the long winter with nothing much to do - he likes to keep busy, making things and riding his motorbike. On friday he looked really fed up after work so i asked him what was wrong, he said nothing but it was obvious he wasnt happy so i asked again. He snapped my head off, said im ffing knackered and all you do is pick pick pick. I tried to say i was just concerned but he just said go away, i dont want to talk to you. This is how arguments always go and then he sulks.

The next morning I had to take older dog to the vets, he has kennel cough. When i got home he went out on his bike, woudnt speak to me. Later in the evening i said can we sort this out. Thats when he said, im not happy and im going to rent somewhere for 6 months and then well see if we want to be together. I think im in shock but cant see how this would work? He says we could still meet up, would i want to? I have told my sons who were great but they live in sussex, i have no other family nearby and my mum died suddenly in november 2019. I feel very sad and alone, all advice welcome and thanks for reading

It sounds like he’s had enough and this break is for him to decide if there’s anything worth rescuing.

Breaks aren't about this, they are about seeing if there is anything "better" out there.

Agree with everyone who is saying you need to take control of this asap and get out whilst it is still considered a "short marriage".

I'm not happy and im going to rent somewhere for 6 months and then well see if we want to be together.

What he means, as he's the one who's saying he's not happy, is he'll decide whether he wants to be with you.

I would make that decision for him and end the relationship.

This is based on previous experiences I've had.

Having someone do this puts all the power in their hands and can be very painful.

I wonder if he's fed up with paying for stuff if you're not working

That's what spouses do. OP lost her job, she didn't choose to be a lady of leisure.

I agree with pp, if does move out then start divorce proceedings. Don't see him. Protect your assets if you can. Did you live together before you were married? There's some advice here about short marriages:

www.anthonygold.co.uk/latest/blog/financial-settlements-after-short-marriages/

I'm sorry to hear that @sadsomerset.

I would avoid making any big decisions yet. This year has been so hard on everyone. It's put relationships under so much strain - job losses, no time apart, no normal so social outlets.

My partner just ended things with me. I didn't realise how unhappy he was, had put it down to lockdown. I honestly feel that covid stress was a huge factor in causing our relationship issues - yes there were other problems but in a normal year we might have been able to solve them. In the first lockdown everyone acknowledged how utterly abnormal this was, everyone was trying to offer each other support and check people were okay - this lockdown it's as if we've all just got to get on with it. But don't forget these times are utterly abnormal.

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Be kind to yourself, and let friends and family help you as much as they can. Think through your boundaries as to what you would need him to do if you did accept him back.

Just seen that he's chooses not to see his own teenage son. That puts a very different light on him, unless there's an extremely good reason why he can't.

I disagree with PP's saying you did anything wrong by losing your job at 60 during a pandemic and your spouse supporting you. Losing your job was presumably not your fault and it's harder to get a new one as you get older. It's harder to get a job during this pandemic anyway. You've not even been unemployed for a year yet, it's not that long for a spouse to support you for in the great scheme of things, depending on their income of course.

I think most/ a lot of couples would've handled it this way- trying to get by without dipping into savings.

Why does he think he can just leave for 6 months and then come waltzing back in if that what he chooses?

If he wants time he should be prepared to firstly sit down with you and discuss properly the things that he thinks could change to make him happier and, crucially, he also listens to the things you think could change to make you happier. This means that he has to understand he cannot ignore you when you have a disagreement, he has to be an adult and discuss the problem.

This moving out is just an extension of the same thing. He wants to ignore you for longer but keep his options open. He doesn't get to decide all that. It's not all about what he wants.

Personally I would tell him that you need to have a proper discussion and if he still wants to move out then that is the end of the relationship because you can't work on a relationship when he's not there and therefore nothing will have changed when he comes back.

It's also my opinion that he has no intention of coming back and this is just an easy way out for him.

If it's over, it's over. If he moves out then you sell up and move to a more affordable property on your own, or with your family, whatever you decide to do. You pick yourself up again, dust yourself down again and move on. Don't sit around for six months pining for him. Make a clean break. There are still jobs going in the NHS, many part time so if you move near a hospital or big town, you may be able to pick up some hours. You can also register for bank. There are other options than waiting around for a man who has treated you badly.

Good luck.

@Mundayblues

If he needs space, let him have it, personally I’d put a time limit on it, for him but also for yourself, ‘if a decision hasn’t been made in 1 month, it will be made for you’. He needs to know that you won’t be waiting around and available forever, and you need to not be waiting around either! Has he ever gone cold like this before?

I'd let him have space - permanently.

He doesn't get to call the shots.

Ducks in a row, legal advice time. You need to see exactly what your options are.

Will you be able to get another job when the world opens up again?

@FredSoftly

I wonder if he's fed up with paying for stuff if you're not working

That's what spouses do. OP lost her job, she didn't choose to be a lady of leisure.

Quite.

In normal marriages, people support each other.

Lockdown has put a lot of strain on a lot of couples. Only you know the extent to which that is a factor here and whether it's worth trying counselling.

Agree with the PP you have experience and skills that others will value but it might not be in a permanent 9-5 job. There'll be a lot of dog walking as people are pulled back into offices for at least a day a week.

It's also my opinion that he has no intention of coming back and this is just an easy way out for him.

@MrsBrunch Me too. This is probably just an easier way of him getting out of the relationship.

Your relationship is over. You need to see a solicitor.

It’s understandable that marriages go through tough times, especially during these lockdowns, some may well end. But you have to talk and work at them if you want to stay together. Running away achieves nothing. Generally people saying they want to rent somewhere else are cowards that can’t quite say that they want to leave full stop or that they’ve met someone else. It happened to my friend last year. She sat there hoping he’d come back- he didn’t. Personally I’d tell him to go and stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks to get his head straight, but that if he wasn’t prepared to sit down and work at things after that enough is enough. And get all your ducks organised in the meantime (might be literally in this case too!).

The fact that your mum didn’t like him and your boys are immediately helping you set up independently rings bells too. I’d be very wary of using their money too. While they might not want their own properties at 30 while they’re travelling, things might look completely different in five years time if they wanted to settle down and start a family - by which time you’d be nearly retiring and they’d not want to kick you out! I understand how hard it would be (I live in a small holding too) but I think you’d be better in your own tiny home/flat if at all possible. Is there really no way back into the 111 route? I’ve seen adverts all over the country for it (I was made redundant too this year). Also 999 operatives.

Divorce him right now.

The very best scenario is that he's the sort of spineless loser who disappears for 6 months every time life gets tough. I couldn't be arsed with that, and nor should you.

More likely he's wanting to get on with his new life, whilst maintaining you as option B. Never be someone's back-up plan.

As an adult Sort yourself out without dipping into your kids inheritance money
Let him move out you can’t compel him to stay and if he’s unhappy let him go

Well he’s doing to you what he did to his son: cut and run.

You say the minimum rental term is for 6 months - but that’s only for long term rentals. Short term rentals have no such caveat. He could take somewhere for a couple of weeks if he wanted. If he wanted space to think a short term let is what he would do.

If he’s committing to a long term rental then I think this relationship is over.

@Sadsomerset

Thank you, i was cheated on by my first husband so im pretty confident there is no other woman. His phone is left on the kitchen table always, i know stuff can be deleted though. Im more worried that hed see someone when we are apart, i couldnt get back with him in that case. Also i have no income which im trying not to think about, although i do have a small inheritance which was to be our pension.

Cherchez la femme. Men hardly EVER leave without another woman in mind. I'm really sorry. The reason so many women say ''Cherchez le femme'' is through bitter, personal experience.

I would make it clear to him that when he leaves, the marriage has ended from that point on. Let's face it he hasn't just suddenly woken up this morning and decided all this, he's been thinking about it a lot longer. And what will 6 months do? All that will happen is that this "trial separation" will make him even more emotionally detached.

The quicker you can cut the ties and not prolong the agony the sooner you can move forward. Given the borderline timescales to the 5 year point which normally defines a short marriage, it would be better to cut your losses now (sorry to put it like that, but it is the likely reality). Note down the date he leaves the marital home, and state to him (in writing if necessary) that it was his decision to walk away and this marks the end of the marriage from your perspective. It makes it a clear cut situation with no ambiguity as to when the marriage ended.

What you need to consider next are:

-whether you cohabited before your actual marriage as that time could be added in, to calculate the total marriage duration by the court

-what each of your financial situations was coming into the marriage, as that will be the aim of the court, to restore each of you to that financial situation you each enjoyed before the marriage. They will likely take a view on your inheritance given the short duration of the marriage such that it wouldn't necessarily be a 50/50 split, but could be used to pay your husband sufficient to restore him to that pre-marriage financial situation, if it redresses an imbalance. It entirely depends on what you each declare are your assets, and what was amassed as a consequence of the marriage.

Just to clarify a couple of things. We dont ignore A, he chose not to have contact and was encouraged by his mother. We message on fb and send cards and money for birthdays and christmas. He doesnt respond. He is always welcome here, his elder brother used to come and stay until covid. We hope one day A changes his mind.

I have spoken to my boys this morning and told them i will not accept any financial help from them. There are currently no vacancies for my role in 111 at my local call centres. My job is open at our pub and i hope to go back in may.

His phone is left on the kitchen table always, i know stuff can be deleted though.

There is no way of anyone on here actually knowing if there is an OW, but all I'd say is, him leaving his phone on the kitchen table has absolutely nothing to do with him having an OW. He could have another phone, he could have been seeing someone when he was out of the house at work, there are numerous alternatives that could be the case, nobody can tell you for certain.

All you know is, he has unilaterally decided he wants to have a break from your marriage, but you, as 50% of the relationship, do not need to feel pressured into agreeing or supporting his plan.

You can retain your own control by letting him 'push on an open door' (... oh, and please be so good as to close it on your way out).

What @LApprentiSorcier said. No way could let a man have 6 months to decide if he wants to be with me...if you go,you go would be my stance on it. Don't let him have that control over you OP.

@Courtney555

No one moves out for half a year to collect their thoughts and see "where we are then."

Sorry but they don't. He's planning on this being permanent, and has thrown that "let's see what happens in 6 months" in so he can keep you hanging there as a safety option, should he discover the grass isn't greener.

He hasn't necessarily met someone else. On balance he most likely has. If he leaves, that's it. You're not some feckless option who sits loyally watching the door for 6 months, while he decides which woman is more worthy to him. How dare he. If there is another woman, jeez she's welcome to him. If he leaves, you've won already

Superbly put.

A sulker is an abomination.

A faithless sulker even worse.

Op, good riddance to him...The trash taking itself out, if he has another woman.

Btw - inheritance issue - it’s really no-one’s business here. I reserve the right to use my own inheritance money help a parent. What you describe is a good investment for them.

Equally, some posters are here prone to hypothetical virtue signalling with other people’s financial circumstances; when paradoxically it really boils down to not liking the thought of parting with their own money.