Husband has announced hes not happy and moving out for 6 months

[Sadsomerset]

Hi

We got married 4.5 years ago, second for me, first for him. I am 60 and he is 52. We were very happy, live in a beautiful part of the country with some land, animals. He works full time as a roofer, i lost my part time job in the first lockdown. Since the 2nd lockdown we have argued a bit, i have put this down to the long winter with nothing much to do - he likes to keep busy, making things and riding his motorbike. On friday he looked really fed up after work so i asked him what was wrong, he said nothing but it was obvious he wasnt happy so i asked again. He snapped my head off, said im ffing knackered and all you do is pick pick pick. I tried to say i was just concerned but he just said go away, i dont want to talk to you. This is how arguments always go and then he sulks.

The next morning I had to take older dog to the vets, he has kennel cough. When i got home he went out on his bike, woudnt speak to me. Later in the evening i said can we sort this out. Thats when he said, im not happy and im going to rent somewhere for 6 months and then well see if we want to be together. I think im in shock but cant see how this would work? He says we could still meet up, would i want to? I have told my sons who were great but they live in sussex, i have no other family nearby and my mum died suddenly in november 2019. I feel very sad and alone, all advice welcome and thanks for reading

Why would you let your sons use their inheritance to bail you out? That seems massively unfair and rather selfish.
Just sort out what you want to do with the money you have etc.
He sounds like he's checked out the relationship and is calling the shots now.

Sorry that sounds so harsh.

Doesn't make it right, but 6 months is likely due to the rental terms on another property. Does mean he's been looking and making plans.

You need a timeline that suits you around your decisions, not just because a long term let demands. Let him go, you can't stop him anyway and why would you want to, he needs to want to be part of your relationship.
Agree to meet in two weeks, then another two weeks later with a decision.

Legal advice is essential regarding your inheritance and that of your sons. Be careful that if they buy with you, using their inheritance, that your OH can't claim any share on divorce. Your sons need protecting as much as you.

I'd check whether there will be a difference in the money awarded to him from marital assets after 5 years marriage rather than 4.5 years.

Being apart for 6 months tips you over to 5 years and might put him in a stronger position to claim half your inheritance?

It sounds arbitrary, and I might be misremembering reading about a 5 year marker, but I'd get some legal advice on length of marriage and assets split so you can make an informed choice.

Could be totally wrong, or read something based on another legal system, but thought it worth mentioning just in case.

Maybe he's had decades to do what he likes when he likes and now he has a wife perhaps with different standards and step children and the whole "family life" thing and maybe with the stresses of the last 12 months, it's just too much for him. His reaction is not great - salience - but I can see how the whole picture could add up to him feeling overwhelmed and suffocated through no fault of yours or his.

This does sound like a situation where calm talking without blame, but trying to really share your world views so the other can understand, might help. If he's a good man generally then it's worth putting the effort in to stop this relationship from simply unravelling. Ask him, with real interest not sarcasm, what would his perfect life look like and how can you both work towards that, and share your perfect life vision ditto.

Also, not all committed and loving couples share the same house. Good luck.

I think because my first left me i am fearful of arguing and it not being resolved quickly and all being ok. I can see his approach is different. We both need to change or meet in the middle, i have said this but he said its better if he leaves. I think he is saying 6 months as that is the minimum rent agreement.

I said the same re a sabbatical, its a marriage. Be different if he had to go away for work

Why would you take your children’s inheritance?

[quote Sadsomerset]@DinosaurDiana
Now that he has explained what he sees picking as, yes i think i do. To me its trying to resolve the argument but he sees it differently. Im sorry for that as i do love him[/quote]
In your OP you say: On friday he looked really fed up after work so i asked him what was wrong, he said nothing but it was obvious he wasnt happy so i asked again. He snapped my head off, said im ffing knackered and all you do is pick pick pick.

That isn't picking at someone. You asked him twice what was wrong, from a place of concern, and obviously something was wrong, from his point of view, or else he wouldn't be talking about moving out.

You shouldn't let him twist your behaviour to suit his own script. He's working this up to justify his six months' 'sabbatical' and it's nonsense. He's got the 'seven year itch' type feeling that sometimes comes in a LTR, but decent people recognise that for what it is and have the sense to know the grass probably isn't greener with someone else.

If you do decide to agree with this, then you should tell him that your house becomes yours for those 6 months . Meaning , he cannot come in with his key whenever he chooses, infact, get the locks changed or ask him to give you the key . He probably would not expect you to swan into his place so he has no right to do that to yours.

Call his bluff and say to him * can't you make it any longer,!! 😉😂

Does he realise that while he is navel gazing for six months you will also have six months to decide whether you want him to come back or not?! This is not just about what he wants - you might decide that you're happier without him after a couple of months. This might spectacularly misfire on him, plus of course, there's the issue of trust. I'm not sure I could get past it. Is he moving out for six moths because he can't bring himself to be honest and tell you it's over?

Hi sorry you are going through this but I agree 6 months is too long for a break. You need a much shorter time if it really is a break and an agreement as to not seeing other people during this time.

Be strong with him (even though you wont feel it). He shouldnt sulk or give you silent treatment. A 6 month break, sorry to say, sounds like a permanent plan but keeping his options open. How would he react to the thought of taking ALL his stuff with him?

@LApprentiSorcier

That could also be a straw which broke the camel’s back type situation

At the end of the day from what OP says he seems clear he wants to move out

So he isn’t currently trying to silent treatment her into submission

The Op has admitted to understanding why he may feel pecked upon generally

Either way for him to snap & have this 6 month moving out plan means he has likely been thinking about it for awhile

People who give silent treatment as abuse generally aren’t looking to leave - they’re looking to control you.

It sounds like he wants to leave which is why did not default to blaming him for giving silent treatment.

I agree silent treatment is a form of abuse & have been on the receiving end of it. That doesn’t mean that is what is occurring here.

I’m sorry op - sending you a hug, must have been a shock.
I think I’d say no to six months, tell him you want to know where you stand in ONE month.

So sorry for you. Has he moved out yet? It takes time to arrange renting somewhere, unless he has already sorted something out. Would you both consider counselling to try and resolve this.

OhioOhioOhio is right. His actions show where you stand in his priorities.

I would go quiet and see if he goes. His saying you can continue to see each other is him throwing you a crumb to assuage his own guilt.

Get his address so you know where to send the divorce papers.

Stop listening to what he says and look at what he does.

It's over at the point he moves out as far as I can see.

My mum left me over £16k, i feel i would be wasting it if i use it for living expenses if he leaves. In DH's defence, he earns good money and has put a lot into our joint savings account

I’m looking at this from another perspective. You’ve not been working, your husband is paying for everything while you have a 16k inheritance. Meanwhile, you’re happy for your sons to bail you out using their inheritance. You’re in a much better position financially than most people.

I’m sorry to be harsh, but if a woman was posting that she was the only one working while her dh had a considerable inheritance, but didn’t want to use it for living, everyone on here would be telling her to ltb.

You sound incredibly selfish and he most probably feels like he’s being taken for a ride.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, you deserve much better. All relationships have their issues but doesn’t give him the right to just put you on hold for 6 months while he decides what he wants to do.

If he wants to go then let him go. I wouldn't be begging him to stay and work it out if he’s already made his decision but I would also be telling him to not expect me to be waiting for him at the end of the 6 months. If he walks out on the marriage without even trying to sort out your issues then he’s made the decision for you as far as I’m concerned. Life is too short and you deserve so much better.

My first thought was that he doesn't want the divorce to happen until the 5 year mark.
People who have only been together for 4.5 years shouldn't be arguing as regularly as you are. By your age and stage in life, both people should know what they want and like. So I think he has checked out and it's over. If you aren't happy together now in good health, how are you going to be a happy, supportive couple in 15 years when health may decline?
Get legal advice this week and arrange your new start. Sorry it happened, but you sound very resourceful and luckily have great DC.

If you made enough NI contributions between April 2018 and April 2020, you should be entitled to claim new-style JSA. You can do that regardless of your relationship status. It's only £74.35/week but it's better than nothing.

@gutful

That does sound selfish i agree. Can i explain? I have twins, the are 30 in june. Before covid they spent their time travelling. The rent a flat together, they want to invest in property but do not want to be tied down or want the hassle of maintance, renting when they go again. This was their suggestion not mine. Ive said id think about if that time came and of course any property would be in their names not mine.

I had a very painful and expensive divorce 10 years ago, the thought of going through that again feels me with dread

I will find out about inheritance.

So...what happens when your children one day may want or need to sell this property? Where does that leave you?

can you not just sort your own housing situation out & not rely on your children to bail you out?

This idea sounds ill thought out & will have long term implications - just like your plan to use your inheritence to fund your husband’s superannuation!

I think you should see a divorce lawyer & financial advisor.

If you've had an expensive divorce you'll know how serious this is. Get strong. Get smart. You can cry when you've done these jobs. Especially with the 5 year mark looming. I'd find out about that first thing tomorrow.

@AnotherEmma

If you made enough NI contributions between April 2018 and April 2020, you should be entitled to claim new-style JSA. You can do that regardless of your relationship status. It's only £74.35/week but it's better than nothing.

But her inheritance would mean she wasn't eligible, surely? Once she's put it into a property that's different.

OP, your sons would then no longer be first time buyers when they eventually bought their own houses. That might affect their mortgages.

Is it that you don’t want to move to an apartment because you’re used to living on land with farm animals?

Still I don’t think children should be funding your new property but it’s not in your name.

You would be leaving yourself in a precarious position with no future security & relying on your kids to support you & keep you in that house.