should i stay or go 20 year marriage

[MadgeMidgerson]

i have been married to my husband for 20 years. we have not been intimate for the last ten. he is not interested, and after he stoping taking care of his hygiene neither was i.

we have moved to my country a year ago. he has struggled to find work and i am the breadwinner. he earns a decent salary now but will only contribute money for groceries. this means 3/4 of his monthly salary goes on ??????

he does minimal stuff around the house, and only when asked.

pros: he is not a terrible person, does not abuse me and the children love him and would be devastated. they are 11 and 13.

he knows i am unhappy and i have talked about my feelings but he says everything is fine and we are great together. this makes me feel like i am crazy.

if i had no children i would go, in a heartbeat but i keep thinking it is a small sacrifice for me to stay and let them continue to have him in their lives.

besides if i kicked him out i am sure if only end up financing his life, and doing everything here at home, only completely alone.

every day i think i can’t bear this any longer and then i think so many others have it worse, and i should just get on with it.

thank you for reading, any advice is helpful and very much appreciated.

@HaggisBurger

Well, im religious which might be partially why. I take the concept and vows of marriage seriously. Divorce imo should always be the very very last resort / if your partner has done something unforgivable (e.g. cheated, did something terribly criminal, etc).

Otherwise, whats the point of the concept of marriage.

@BalancedIndividual, I’m sure most of us take the concept of marriage seriously, otherwise why do it? On religious grounds, speaking from an Islamic perspective, the Koran exhorts a man to treat his wife with kindness and consideration, I assume the other main religions do the same? The op’s husband does NOT treat her kindly, does not show her love and caring, etc etc - please do read her original post. She is utterly miserable, confused, lonely and then feels she is being selfish if she were to change her situation. Her situation is a form of water torture. Why should she suffer because her husband is happy with the status quo? What level of criminality do you accept before it becomes unforgivable? I understand people have different ‘lines in the sand’, but ultimately marriage should not be a prison sentence. All religions are biased in favour of men, and so many women are trapped in unhappy or desperately miserable marriages where they stay for the children, because they haven’t got the finances to leave, because they feel too afraid of societal judgment -‘should’ve tried harder’ etc etc. Few women leave a marriage lightly, especially when children are involved. (Men - not so much, it seems) I cannot imagine how empty a marriage must be without love, and don’t believe it is fair or healthy to have to continue in a marriage such as @MadgeMidgerson and the other ladies posting, are enduring. For them OR their children. Best wishes ladies, for a better future for you all.

[quote BalancedIndividual]@HaggisBurger

Well, im religious which might be partially why. I take the concept and vows of marriage seriously. Divorce imo should always be the very very last resort / if your partner has done something unforgivable (e.g. cheated, did something terribly criminal, etc).

Otherwise, whats the point of the concept of marriage.[/quote]
Just curious about how the concepts of love and compassion manifest in your religious views.

Does your God allow for human error (a lot of marriage contracts are agreed young, before we have fully matured)?

Does your God prize marriage even an empty one above the potential for experiencing love?

"There is nothing sacred about a bad marriage." -- Laura Bates, in "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them"

^ Susan Forward, sorry, not Laura Bates! Is v good book