should i stay or go 20 year marriage

[MadgeMidgerson]

i have been married to my husband for 20 years. we have not been intimate for the last ten. he is not interested, and after he stoping taking care of his hygiene neither was i.

we have moved to my country a year ago. he has struggled to find work and i am the breadwinner. he earns a decent salary now but will only contribute money for groceries. this means 3/4 of his monthly salary goes on ??????

he does minimal stuff around the house, and only when asked.

pros: he is not a terrible person, does not abuse me and the children love him and would be devastated. they are 11 and 13.

he knows i am unhappy and i have talked about my feelings but he says everything is fine and we are great together. this makes me feel like i am crazy.

if i had no children i would go, in a heartbeat but i keep thinking it is a small sacrifice for me to stay and let them continue to have him in their lives.

besides if i kicked him out i am sure if only end up financing his life, and doing everything here at home, only completely alone.

every day i think i can’t bear this any longer and then i think so many others have it worse, and i should just get on with it.

thank you for reading, any advice is helpful and very much appreciated.

Sounds like you have found it hard to prioritise your own needs and now you're fed up and you know you need a change. Hope you have a supportive and compassionate therapist.

Lots of your post resonates with me op, except my husband does help out a fair bit around the house and doesn't spend money on random things.

Interesting you should mention the menopause because I am convinced I have been affected by the onset of this (perimenopause). I am loathe to make any big decisions because I feel it is affecting my judgement (3 dcs of varying ages).

I'm also waiting for some psychotherapy (face to face) to try and work out what exactly is going on. So far, I am aiming to do what your therapist suggests live better within my situation. I honestly don't know about the long term though if things don't change.

I completely get what you are saying about the dcs and also what others say about role modelling relationships, this does concern me. I go out of my way not to bicker etc but it is also about what's missing but at the same time can't envisage entering another relationship with small dcs either. Right now, I feel extremely lonely within my marriage, it functions on a practical basis with dcs as the focus, I intend to try and develop some social circles (have none currently) when covid eases to see if this helps to add further dimensions/outlooks to my life.

I can relate a little to your situation and am seeing a therapist too, for over a year now
The focus on finding things to make you happy in situ, is not really about suggesting you should stay. It is about finding small chinks of joy in your life, through maybe a walk or coffee with a friend, an exercise class etc..generally things that help spark your enjoyment of life again. With that you build your self confidence and get stronger.
It doesn't mean you shouldn't or won't leave, but by building your self worth up, you feel more able to do it, there is a method to their madness!

This is what I'm looking for too. I have a hobby as a building block but very little life outside of the home.

I'm reading a book called 'Get the love you want' and there's a chapter on The Invisible Divorce which you and op might find resonates, as I did. It's a thought provoking read.

Just wondering how your therapy session went op?

I think you are doing what I've done and looked at the long term picture. I am not sure whether this is right and wrong but there is something about standing back and weighing the whole situation up.

In light of this I have decided to stay put for the time being but working my way toward an exit strategy. I've had to look at the whole picture with no extended family (support) it stands me in better stead to stay put with dc being so young (and it also benefits them too apart from the fact that they don't witness an affectionate relationship but they probably wouldn't for a long time anyway and I do all I can to not be hostile). I need to build myself up to be stronger and I also need to build my life outside of the home too, there are things I need to work on. I am not in complete denial of the situation. It is helpful to have the dcs to focus on as it keep me (at least outwardly) on an even keel for their sakes.

right or wrong.

it’s hard. if i did not have children i think it would be a no brainer really.

i go from pole to pole: this is quite unbearable to well it could be worse really

i am increasingly inclined towards, if i can’t have my needs met, fair enough, but i don’t need to keep myself in a situation that is actively not meeting my needs.

it came out in my session on monday that i have a lot of anger and resentment towards him for two major reasons (and plenty of minor): promising me he would sort out his immigration paperwork so we could move back to my country to be closer to family and then not doing it at least twice that i recall. it was the promising and not doing that broke my heart. in those ten years i missed funerals, weddings, births, only to get caught up a year after they had happened when i was free to visit. you can’t cross an ocean on a weekend trip to bury someone really. more importantly the time i could have spent with them...

the other major thing was racking up £50k in credit card debt without telling me. we had to get a consolidation loan from the bank and i remember the pity in the bank manager’s eyes while i sat there with a toddler on my lap and a small child beside me, trying not to cry. at that time that money was well double my yearly salary. my husband said ‘i spent it all on the family babe’.

he is so supremely careless as a default position and will be better for a tiny while and then relapse. i am just sick of it.

Oh op, this story is heartbreaking. Funerals, weddings, births missed - all those times you cannot get back, all the people you have missed. Because he lies. That debt he racked up could have paid for you all to go to one of these important occasions, but no - he squandered it. And he will continue to lie to you and your children, you see it when he ‘changes’ for the shortest time before slipping back into his real self. You have missed SO much of your life because of him, please make plans to leave and LIVE the rest of your life, before your justified resentment at his dreadful behaviour leaves you actually physically ill. It’s time to put you first, because he certainly does not.

Women are brought up to please, to be nice and to facilitate other people often at the expense of themselves. Your DH isn’t trying to please you or worrying about the DC. He is just pleasing himself and doing what he wants to do. I would stop doing anything to facilitate his life. No washing, no cooking, nothing. Please yourself for a change. He is obviously very selfish so show him what it would be like if you were too.

Feeling too old to meet someone nice is all in your head.

OP, splitting up is pretty much like getting married, you need to plan, save and prepare to take a plunge. Leaving doesn’t mean “leave right NOW” in the same way that staying shouldn’t mean “staying in a bad relationship until I die”.

I stayed trying to save the relationship for years, at some point I got myself a nice ring to remind me that if things were no better by x day of x month a year later, I would stop trying.

When that date came, I got to the point where you are, where I realised my marriage was not worth saving but stayed putting my ducks on a row (finding a safe job, buying a car, saving for a deposit, increasing my support network, checking schools and areas where I would like to live, and planning what kind of life I wanted for DS and I after the split.

It took three years to be in a position to leave (you should leave when it works for YOU, when it makes sense to you and your children’s needs (

Karma I needed to read your post this evening. What you've posted is exactly how I'm thinking. You hear the "don't stay in the situation even though you have dc," but dc does complicate things especially where there is no overt abuse but as you say it can take a while to organise things and it seems even more daunting when you don't have a support system. In a way, I've had to stand back and be quite rational about things - the ages of dc and what I can realistically do especially because of the lack of support. I guess the danger is there is never going to be a great time...did you do all of those things - find a job, build more friendships etc. Did you stay in the same area? I am interested to hear more about your story (obviously without outing yourself).

Well, I think the idea of the ages of the children is a little bit of a red herring as the longer you leave it the more difficult it would be for them, although I understand not wanting to disrupt things if they are doing important exams on the same year.

It is more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it. In my case, things started to fall naturally into place, probably because I felt much better (going to a place of hope from years just focusing on getting through life a day at a time).

I have no family in the country and in all frankness... my ex was a bit socially inept so many friendships didn’t progress much before he put his foot in his mouth and people started keeping a distance from us. So it all started with having a coffee after drop out with a couple of mums once a week, a dinner with friends I share a culture with once a month, and friendly with other people (this was a fake it until you make it because I used to be quiet shy). But what really changed the things was saying I was leaving and being open about being alone and not in the best of places, because when you show your vulnerabilities you are allowing people to show you theirs, and suddenly all those people you thought as being acquaintances turn up to be there for you as you never expected. So it is a little bit about changing how you perceive people. My turning point was a post in Mumsnet:

Everybody gets in shock when you finally decide to split, no matter how much you wanted to, it is as if someone has pulled the rug under your feet even if you pulled it yourself. In the worst night after the decision I put a very heartfelt post here about how miserably I was feeling and a very nice mumsneter I had been talking for years drove all the way from the other side of England to spend the day with me. It was that day that I realised I was not alone, people are always there for you as long as you made them aware you need support.

But on the topic of support networks, they don’t need to be enterily local. I ended up with sole care of my son a few years after the split. Obviously, babysitters are expensive so I couldn’t go out at night anymore. And that’s when Facebook came handy to reconnect with many close friends from the past. I am not lying if I tell you that I talk to my best friend from university on Whatsapp at least once or twice a week, or to my secondary school friends at least once a month. In fact I regularly talk to my best friend from childhood even when all these people and I have been living in different countries for almost 30 years.

@KarmaNoMore your posts are v helpful indeed and i have been doing the getting ready. i now can drive, have a car, and all assets are in my name only and i am solvent. (i will obvs split the assets fairly, i just didn’t want him pissing them up the wall)

i have family within a few hours drive, and am making friends as well as in touch with old ones.

i just need to feel ready in my heart

@MadgeMidgerson It is a very difficult step, there’s never a perfect time to take the plunge.

Nobody wants to be the executor of their own marriage and be the one that finally takes the initiative or perceived blame. In my case I have been mentioning about splitting for years but he always said we were doing “fine” and there was no reason to split (as if him being fine was the thing that trumped everybody’s needs). It only took one discussion when he said in anger “you are loosing it, perhaps we should split!”
and I just said that he was right and held from that, he moved out a couple of weeks later.
(Disclaimer: Nothing serious about me “loosing it”, just left him babysitting on his own for a couple of hours for the first time in 3 years )

Never flog a dead horse. You only get one life. Make the most of it. Good luck

Your unhappiness affects the children. They really don't miss much at that age. Better that they are in a happy household. I wish my parents had split when I was younger but instead I was dragged through years of their unhappiness.

thank you everyone for your help. i just keep thinking what a shame it would be to throw away a marriage of long standing, and for what?

realistically i will be no better off; at least he make tea for me, who would do that in future? i took a wrong turn somewhere and i have to live with it. if i leave now i make everyone live with it.

duty is never easy maybe but i can do mine here at least. i don’t think anyone is really happy anyway, that’s some fairytale nonsense. it was nice to think of it i guess.

thank you again x

Two things your therapist will help you with, which might help are focusing on your own needs and why you seem to be pushing them down and secondly, identifying what you're prepared to compromise on and what you're not - ethics, values etc eg stealing money, preventing you from going to those important occasions... Is that in line with your core values? Those are things you should not compromise on or sacrifice.

Ok so you’re going to stay, but can’t you try to sort ANY of the other issues? Can you stop paying for his car, phone etc? Time for him to man up.Tell him he has to start paying his way, and you’ll stop paying for everything - it’s just so unfair? What is he spending all the rest of his money on? How are your savings and pensions, and I mean yours not his? (These are all questions for you to consider, not expecting you to answer here!) Is he squirrelling money away to leave you and set up back in his home country when he’s ready? You’re really not happy and this does affect your children, as well as your mental and eventually physical health. You’ve decided to stay, but please try and make some changes - if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. And you deserve a better life. Good luck 💐

He doesn't wash
He doesn't pull his weight
He racks up 50k of debt!!
You have not been intimate for a decade

20 years on from now your daughter is telling you all this and adding, "but he doesn't beat me, so I guess I should stay like you did..."

Some men are that way because the woman has trained them to walk all over them. Staying while he does that for 20 years just reassured him and your children that that’s the way relationships are to be.

One thing I liked of my exh was that he was very independent and self sufficient when I met him, by the end of the marriage he couldn’t even pair socks, pack a bag or remember what was on his diary.

By the end of my next relationship I started wondering if I attracted man children or I made them so took a big step back with the next one.

Massive difference, when you let them be adults, they act like adults.

i know - this is my fault that he is like this, and i think i haven’t fixed it because i get so tired sometimes of fixing everything.

i will try to have more patience and energy to train him to take more responsibility around here i guess.

maybe this is making me a better person in a way? learning how to give and not demand anything in return.

i think i will always feel sad in a way that at 34 i had had all the embraces and kisses and everything else that i will ever have, but i have so much else instead, and perhaps that is worth more.

i have two beautiful children and i can live for them. i need to try and practise gratitude and not be so selfish.

thank you again for all your help.

Wait now, wait now, wait now, it is not your responsibility to fix him? It is his choice to change or not and it is absolutely your choice to decide that it is not good enough for you if he doesn't. You seem to be very down on yourself in recent posts.. Please keep speaking to your therapist and I am wondering if you have any RL, practical support? You have one life. One.

BTW I was suggesting last week you try marriage counselling but as you can see have changed my tune based on updates since. You are more deserving than this. Would you treat someone you loved in this way?