should i stay or go 20 year marriage

[MadgeMidgerson]

i have been married to my husband for 20 years. we have not been intimate for the last ten. he is not interested, and after he stoping taking care of his hygiene neither was i.

we have moved to my country a year ago. he has struggled to find work and i am the breadwinner. he earns a decent salary now but will only contribute money for groceries. this means 3/4 of his monthly salary goes on ??????

he does minimal stuff around the house, and only when asked.

pros: he is not a terrible person, does not abuse me and the children love him and would be devastated. they are 11 and 13.

he knows i am unhappy and i have talked about my feelings but he says everything is fine and we are great together. this makes me feel like i am crazy.

if i had no children i would go, in a heartbeat but i keep thinking it is a small sacrifice for me to stay and let them continue to have him in their lives.

besides if i kicked him out i am sure if only end up financing his life, and doing everything here at home, only completely alone.

every day i think i can’t bear this any longer and then i think so many others have it worse, and i should just get on with it.

thank you for reading, any advice is helpful and very much appreciated.

@MadgeMidgerson I have just read through this thread and cried all the way through. You know you deserve more than 'at least he doesn't abuse me' but I really do see how this comes to the front of your mind and makes you feel you should be grateful for this. I feel the same. In fact when dh asked me to marry him, I said yes knowing that he would at least never hurt me. I said yes, and went to the kitchen feeling sick, I suppose disappointment that I had settled and this was it. Looking back I feel terrible for him, I should have just gone with my gut. But we already had a baby and I thought this was the best thing to do. 15 years down the line, it hasn't all been terrible by any means, but like you, it's hard to accept this is it for the rest of your life. Same for me, I'm 44 now, and no affection since I was 34. I've missed out on so much. And also same as you, he doesn't look after himself, so I am really resentful to him for keeping me in this situation when he's knows I'm not happy, but is content to rumble on. Your comment about driving through a brick wall to save your daughter from this life, that's was really made me cry. Anyone would do the same, yet here we are stuck in situations that make us feel like we'd rather be anywhere else. I'm upstairs ironing to avoid sitting downstairs with him. He infuriates me. I don't want to feel infuriated and resentful. I'm a happy person! I look after myself and and not bad looking, and I want to be loved, not mention getting the sex I deserve! I really hope you can find a way to escape this because it's not the life you should be living. I see friends both in real life and online friends, who have been through divorce and they are all fine. They're fine, their kids are fine, life goes on. I really hope you find a way and I hope I do too x

I've got the perimenopause thrown in for good measure too op (similar age to you) and I'm not sure if it's affecting the way I'm feeling. But my husband has done things too which have crossed my boundaries. Like you I am trying to focus on my dcs and then feeling guilty because it doesn't feel enough. My relationships in general are pretty rubbish - my first port of call is to work on myself and I'm awaiting some therapy. I recognise the hard place you find yourself in and the kind of 'is this it?' feeling. No answers I'm afraid. I don't have the courage (for many reasons) to leave the situation I'm in right now but that might change. My biggest worry is the relationship modelling that is taking place right in front of my dcs eyes even though there is no overt arguing etc. there is no closeness either. Just trying to keep things on an even keel but I'm not living an authentic life which I'm sure looks just lovely to those on the outside (I've not told anyone in real life, hoping the feelings will pass). I am waiting for face to face therapy to start again, I'm waiting for the space to tell someone and say things out loud.

Fuck me, you’re 45 and think you’re too old to meet someone new? That’s the most ridiculous thing! You’ve got years and years ahead of you, to be happy!

Of course he thinks everything is fine, life is comfy for him.

Waking, why do you say I am really resentful to him for keeping me in this situation when he's knows I'm not happy? How is he keeping you there? Can you make some plans to separate?

It is NOT your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way.

Who taught you to be a fixer, which one of your parents taught you that crap lesson about relationships?.

You have children and what do you think they are learning about relationships here, the same damaging lessons you did?. What do you want to teach them, is this really the model you want them to emulate too?. This may be a long standing marriage but you are getting bogged down in your sunk costs. It’s a way of avoiding yourself here and the sunk costs fallacy causes people to keep making poor relationship decisions.

This is who he is and he is not for fixing. It is not your responsibility to fix him and never was.

What do you think of your therapist?.

i just keep thinking what a shame it would be to throw away a marriage of long standing, and for what?

Well, if you had rotten carrots in your fridge would you keep them for the memories, or would you throw them away?

i will try to have more patience and energy to train him to take more responsibility around here i guess

He's not a puppy, he's an adult human.

His behaviour is neither your fault nor your responsibility to "fix" .

You can't change other people, only yourself.

Don't throw the rest of your one and only life in the bin for the sake of some mouldy, decomposing carrots.

Your relationship bar as well as your self respect are truly on the floor now. Your post of today timed at 16.59 has got to be one of the most sad I have ever read in this relationship forum. You’ve given up on yourself due to him and his behaviour and that is so very sad. What happened to you to get to this point?.

How helpful or otherwise is your therapist here?. How honest are you with this person?.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

I think there are a couple of different issues here and you might want to separate them out before deciding what to do.

Re. Finances. So he had a well-paying job in the UK and gave that up to move to your home country? If that's the case. I think you do need to adjust your expectations re. his earning potential now. You instigated this move and it's damaged his career, because he's found it hard to find work in a different country. - it can easily happen when one partner moves to suit the other. That might be at the root of his weirdness with money now and you need to talk to him about it. Tbh, it may also be the reason why he delayed moving to your home country for so long, because he knew it would be hard for him to settle and find employment...not justifying this behaviour, but it could be a reason?

The emotional/intimate side your relationship is another issue entirely. It needs to change and if it doesn't, I think you need to walk away from the relationship sooner rather than later.

Also, if you separate, and he moved back to the UK he could restart his career - so you wouldn't need to keep him? I know that's not ideal with the children, but that's probably what would happen.

I'm upstairs ironing to avoid sitting downstairs with him. He infuriates me. I don't want to feel infuriated and resentful.

I do a lot of this too waking. Avoidance.

Also, whilst I would do anything to pull my daughter out of the situation, some of us don't have that comfort for ourselves. I have absolutely no-one who is going to help me/be there for me. If I did, I might have a basis from which to work. And there was some mention of having enough bedrooms too...well okay in the great scheme of things it isn't an excuse enough but my dcs are used to having their own space and will need it as they grow...actually these sorts of things do factor when I can't justify in my own head that I will be massively happier living on my own/sharing my dcs and not seeing them everyday. It's not as straight forward as some people like to make out.

i will try to have more patience and energy to train him to take more responsibility around here i guess.

No, no, no op, it is not about having patience and energy, mostly the oposite. You don’t nag, you don’t beg you just stop turning yourself backwards to provide for his needs, for example, if you want him to start working stop giving him pocket money, if he complains just say that you are ok to keep the roof over his head but if he needs to start pulling his weight.

Obviously on some cultures this could get you a good beating but you can start with the smaller stuff: like you didn’t have enough time to wash his pants, do all his ironing, you were busy with the kids, etc.

OMG you sound like me 20 years ago.

Oops posted in error! I was going to add:

Someone making you a cup of tea seems to be the loveliest thing you can imagine.

Honestly, it's not true that being happier is just in your dreams.

I left. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I didn't even have any idea at the time why it was important. I assumed I was being crazy, but I no longer had any peace of mind trying to ignore the insistent small voice that told me things were no good.

It took a lot of trial and error, but my life now is absolutely wonderful.

Please give it a try.

Not read whole thread, but could you do nesting? So that the kids remain in the family home and you/DH move into the family home for your respective custody of kids time. You and DH can either each have your own place when you are not in the family home (so would only need a one bed place, or even a rented room in a house) or you could buy a one bed place together and share that (obvs not living there at the same time!) Cheaper than two 3 bed houses and less disruptive for the kids.

Just to say 455 is so young. I left my ex at 46.. Dated for a couple of years and did not want anything long term. Never - No way. I was not just coping financially but was happy. My dd was in uni and coming home to me regularly with no interest in her father. At 48 I met my now husband and learned how happy a relationship could be. I am now 72 and we are still happy and indeed still intimate.

Give yourself a chance. Make a life for yourself and your children. And just see where that life takes you.
See a solicitor.. You husband's full earnings will be taken into account and I reckon you will find you'd be financially better off than you are now.

45 not 455

@LadyB49

Just to say 455 is so young. I left my ex at 46.. Dated for a couple of years and did not want anything long term. Never - No way. I was not just coping financially but was happy. My dd was in uni and coming home to me regularly with no interest in her father. At 48 I met my now husband and learned how happy a relationship could be. I am now 72 and we are still happy and indeed still intimate. Give yourself a chance. Make a life for yourself and your children. And just see where that life takes you. See a solicitor.. You husband's full earnings will be taken into account and I reckon you will find you'd be financially better off than you are now.

@LadyB49 sorry to hijack but as someone aged 47 about to leave her 20 year marriage which feels like stepping off a cliff - your post just brought tears to my eyes. I am SO glad that you found someone very very special. 😊

HaggisBurger, it's really possible. But only if you make a courageous move like the one you're about to do.

I also found true love much later in life. I never in a million years expected to be happy, much less to remarry. But at age 53 I met the most wonderful man and we've been happy together for nearly 10 years now. We start and end every day with laughter. He has never said an unkind word to me. Never. He does everything he can to make me happy. Even silly little things, like today he found me struggling to grate a block of Lush henna and he insisted on doing it for me.

I never used to think such a life was possible.... but now that I realise it is, I get really upset when people cling to a dead and/or deeply damaging relationship because they think the grass can't be greener on the other side.

So lovely @Alcemeg - gives me hope too. 🥰

@MadgeMidgerson please don’t give up. Honestly you are worth so much more than this relationship gives you. I’ve struggled so hard to come to my decision - what was modelled to me as a child is “women put up and shut up” - our needs come last. But though I am facing the hardest period of my life since my lovely Mum died nearly 20 years ago I am full of hope. I am doing this to show my daughters we don’t stay in relationships just because we made a decision 25 years ago and didn’t know to ask for more. I am doing this for my Mum who died aged 55 married to someone so unwell that her needs were never met. But most of all I’m doing it for myself. So I don’t die saying “what if “

This poem is used a lot (and can feel a little Live Laugh Love) but it does inspire me.

There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?

Left my exh at 45 and just wanted a bit of fun after years of grimness - have had lots of fun and in doing so accidentally stumbled over a guy who is also really decent. There are loads of single men in that age bracket, and older.

My exh also said he was prepared to move to my country at some point, but we never did. I've missed out on a lot, but I have to say that when you're in a binational relationship, at least one of you is going to experience that, and we met in his country, so I didn't feel like I could expect him to move. Your guy actually did it - gave up his job and has managed to get himself a new one in another country, which isn't easy. He does need to be paying his way now, though, obviously - why is he not?

Why would you have to support him for life? Could you not sort something out until the youngest is, say, 18 - i.e. the age when a child might move out anyway, so it wouldn't be weird for them not to live with their dad in one home?

HaggisBurger, that poem is lovely!

I just have to share this wisdom from Dr Seuss. This contains all the answers, for anyone considering a life change. I am serious:

YOUR MOUNTAIN IS WAITING
Enjoy the journey and best of luck XXX

P.S. If I told you just how amazing my life was, you'd think I was bullshitting and/or boasting, so I don't like to post about it on here. Just be sure that YOUR MOUNTAIN IS WAITING XXXXX

P.P.S. @HaggisBurger: I don't mean to imply, by the way, that the "Mountain" is another man. It's just a better life, one where through trial and error you finally get to find out what makes you tick, after a lifetime of discounting your own feelings. Where you learn to trust your own judgement and find a solid internal compass (eventually!). Where you could live happily alone for years, if necessary, because you no longer see the need to compromise unless someone truly special can actually improve your quality of life.

I just learned how to add the "@" -- I'm a noob here, sorry!

@ Alcemeg..can I ask, just out of interest..do you think the same applies if you are just not in love, as opposed to the relationship being abusive or neglectful?
I struggle as my husband is a good person but we have been flatmates for years, maybe always..I sort of accepted that was just the way life was, but deep down I know better and I crave a life on my own, paddling my own canoe so to speak, its not even about another man to be honest, its more about me, which just feels so selfish , particularly when there are children involved :(

@Alcemeg

P.P.S. *@HaggisBurger*: I don't mean to imply, by the way, that the "Mountain" is another man. It's just a better life, one where through trial and error you finally get to find out what makes you tick, after a lifetime of discounting your own feelings. Where you learn to trust your own judgement and find a solid internal compass (eventually!). Where you could live happily alone for years, if necessary, because you no longer see the need to compromise unless someone truly special can actually improve your quality of life.

I just learned how to add the "@" -- I'm a noob here, sorry!

Not at all @Alcemeg 😊😊. And I wouldn’t think you were boasting to hear how happy you are. It’s wonderful. I hope the OP can take courage from it too