Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

I strongly suspect your husband has told Helen that he is divorcing you shortly - and she doesn't want his "ex-wife" at the wedding.

I suspect the rug will be pulled out from under you very shortly - get prepared

Good solicitor, copies of all paperwork, get your passports and any important photographs out of the house. Sure up your business legalities, improve house value (or negate it, whichever is in your interest).

I bet you a pound that your children wont go to the wedding, Helen will go nuclear, your husband will berate you for not supporting him by making them attend, he will then leave, send you a nasty message telling you to get your things out of his house.

2 weeks later he will be living with a new girlfriend, who is going to the wedding.

The writing is on the wall.

@TheABC

What a toxic mess.

Even if you don't want to go immediately OP, I would start making plans now. Because you know he's going to try and control/punish you through the divorce with money. That could include

• refusing to move out/sell up
• running down the business to avoid paying you what it's worth
• removing cash from the joint account or hiding assets
• deliberately getting into debt or giving cash away to his family, so you don't get anything
• refusing to fund your children through college/university to punish you.

You will really need a strong strategy and a lot of patience to combat this. I would start a "fuck it" escape fund, so you have a financial way out and build up a portfolio of work examples and references so you can get another job without relying on his goodwill (especially when the divorce kicks off). Get recommendations for a good lawyer who is experienced in coercive control and financial abuse. I would also contact Women's Aid - they are used to this and can advise you.

Thank goodness your kids are teenagers, making it more likely they will see through his controlling behaviour.

As for Helen, write that letter and then leave the ball in her court. You will not have the time or energy to expand on her in the coming weeks. At least you do not have to spend all weekend in a hotel with your husband.

I’m part way through this strategy and yes, it’s taken some time to implement. And it’s due to the advice of MNers like you that I’m at the stage I’m at IYSWIM.

In my case LTB has been a long term project rather than an overnight decision. Last night is probably one of the last nails in the coffin.

good for you-youre preparing and you'll be better off for it

Sounds so weird coming from me, a total stranger. but tears welled up at your first post, followed by a thumping chest. It is my narcissist detector going off loud & clear•• Heartbreaking for you though it is, there is really not much you can do now to recover a relationship with your DSD. His drip, drip, drip of poison in her ear and gas-lighting her will have seen to that. However, having said that, your subsequent updates on the type of dishonest, entitled person she is, would let me feel 'let them both get on with it'. Sadly, narcissism can be inherited - her mum would not put up with nonsense having got rid of one already (her father), so that is why she stayed with you & not him. Someone to bully while she learned the finer arts.

Think to yourself - what can I learn from this? If you can wait that long, make appointment with Shit Hot Lawyer and get every single penny you are due and stop delaying the inevitable divorce. You think you have done a good thing for your kids by staying, but you sound the kind of woman who would have been a huge success on her own. Let them both get on with it. You will be able to meet her at 'family' events, because you will no longer be capable of being hurt by her. Your indifference will be your saviour long-term. The really sad thing is that you have spent so many years, living in a lie. There is always one stage further that a narcissist goes to, the final straw and I hope this for you this will be it. Then life begins again, afresh, the scales fall, no eggshells to tread. But I hope you are okay - this was not your fault.

•• 6 years of living with a narcissist & left with PTSD

Slightly different

But I was uninvited to my uncles wedding reception. For many years I thought I was uninvited due to something I said to my mother. But it turns out it was because I never spoke to his wife’s parents. (They got married one day then had a reception 2 weeks later weirdly). However I never even knew who her parents were. I wouldn’t of been able to pick them up out of a lineup.

I remember at midnight the day before. My mother broke down in tears. I thought she was going to tell me she was dying of cancer. She was that upset. She then told me I was uninvited.

I text my uncle who I was incredibly close too. To say how hurt I was. His reply was ‘you brought this on yourself’. His wife never spoke to me. The first time I met her she came to my house for my birthday. She didn’t say one word to me. Not one. Not even hello or goodbye. I thought maybe she’s shy. So when I saw her the next time. Same thing. Not one word. This went on for months. I’ll try my hardest for a while. But eventually I give up. That’s what happened. I gave up. So his wife never spoke to me.

I still remember how hurt I was. My uncle whom I would of said was my closest family member to a very dysfunctional family who I wasn’t particularly close too. Cut all ties. That was some 15 years ago and since then I’ve never spoken to him again. It ruined our relationship. His wife still hates me to this day. It pulled an already far away family to smithereens. It was the end of our relationship. I still don’t know why. I never knew why she hated me or had never spoken to me. I never knew why she felt the need to do that. My mum never forgave him for making her tell me. Apparently the reason she told me so late was because she’d spent days telling him he had to tell me. But he refused. I was only around 24 at the time. Too young to really understand the details and no one knows why.

Thanks for letting me rant. But I remember the hurt. I was a mess for years after what they did. My one and only real relative from that side of the family we spoke to and boom. Gone in 20 mins. Horrific.

I’m here if you need to chat. I never really dealt with it myself. But I remember xx

I’ve asked him how he’s go to fix it and he doesn't know that either.

Well, one thing he can do is admit to Helen that he lied, which would go some way towards clearing your name.

That's assuming his version of events is true at all and he hasn't really been saying something else.

You guys know I can’t do that, right? He will still see then even once we divorce . I’m not going to tell them they can’t see their father, even if I could.

Yes but they would have some more time when they're not around him than they do now.

I think you have to write off the relationship with your step daughter although I believe the truth will out in the end particularly when you stop being the go between and person whose ear he can bend.

Divorce. Even living in the same house because fuck him, even if it takes years to get to the bitter end. There will never be a good/perfect time to do it. Get legal advice, get financial info and divorce him.

@slashlover

I don't know what Helen has done wrong. As a troubled teenager, her father was never there and instead left her with her SM, who he told her hated/disapproved of her so she lashed out. Possibly looking for her dad's attention?

As an adult she uninvited the woman who she has been told was homophobic and did nothing but say nasty things about her and her partner.

I’m sure thats exactly how Helen sees it. And no doubt her fiancée and her family.

Although according to her father last night he’s been telling her lies for years, so I don’t know why I’ve suddenly been uninvited. If I’m a hateful bigot I’ve been like that for 8 years.

If she has simply not invited me in the first place or told me sooner that would have saved me buying an outfit . She even told me what to wear and has to approve of my dress.

John always says that nothing is ever enough for Helen - however much time, sympathy or money you give her, it’s never enough. That’s one of the things I agree with him on . So I accepted long ago that just by existing I piss her off - the only thing I could do to make her like me is die.

Even then she will complain that shes not in my will “ When I’ve always treated Rosemary like a mother “ .

BTW shes already told me what hymns I have to have / not have at my own / her fathers funeral. She has very strong views about music ( and so so many other things ).

@theleafandnotthetree - Because I don’t believe everything people write, often words will be altered to make the poster look like the victim, when in fact it’s the other way around, remember there are always two sides to every story.
If you can’t see that OP actually dislikes her step daughter, then you need to read through all of her posts to see this.
I’ve seen it many times in RL too, heard one story and then completely the opposite and lots of things not mentioned in fear of the person looking like the villain, when they wanted people to think they were actually the hero.

There is nothing left to do now but leave and be happy, you do matter not matter how inadequate Dad and SD may make you feel. You deserve so much more. Happy mum happy children, please think about yourself in this situation now!! No better time like the present

@R0SEMARY

Two of the kids have already decided they are not going and the other is thinking about it.

I’ve not told them any of the information about their dad, just that I’m uninvited . I said I would be ok whatever they decided, they are free to go with their dad or stay home with me. I’ve said to take the weekend to decide.

why would you protect him

@Reinventinganna

Tell her in a letter. Exactly what you’ve written here.

I would probably end it with ps your father is a twat.

This. Write her a letter.

And dump your DH. You have teenagers, and he is their model of what a father and a man is, and your marriage is their model of what a marriage should look like. Even if you won't leave for yourself (and I totally understand why you wouldn't - living with a man like this can completely erode your sense of what a life can be), then leave him for them.

I was so upset by your post that I had to walk away for a bit before coming back to write this, and I don't think that's happened to me on MN before. Seriously, OP, don't let this man poision your life and your relationships with your kids any longer.

Get rid of them both, they sound vile

Tell her in a letter. Exactly what you’ve written here.

Unless this is your usual Username, I would just forward this thread to her.

Although according to her father last night he’s been telling her lies for years, so I don’t know why I’ve suddenly been uninvited. If I’m a hateful bigot I’ve been like that for 8 years.

@R0SEMARY Perhaps you could ask her what is going on? Not that it matters in a way as she sounds like a PITA anyway. x

It's not about getting your kids away from him OP, obviously they'll still have contact with him. But you'll no longer be modelling a toxic relationship. You'll be happier. They'll see him more clearly for who he is, and you for who you are, outside of a miserable marriage. I don't say that to make you feel bad, but the situation sounds so utterly depressing. Have you actually explored what you'd likely be entitled to if you did divorce now rather than further down the line? It could be more achievable than you think.

@AtLeastThreeDrinks

It's not about getting your kids away from him OP, obviously they'll still have contact with him. But you'll no longer be modelling a toxic relationship. You'll be happier. They'll see him more clearly for who he is, and you for who you are, outside of a miserable marriage. I don't say that to make you feel bad, but the situation sounds so utterly depressing. Have you actually explored what you'd likely be entitled to if you did divorce now rather than further down the line? It could be more achievable than you think.

This is excellent advice. Of course your kids will have the right - and possibly the desire - to see their dad after the two of you split up. But they have been living in an abusive relationship, too, and it's after you leave (and sometimes quite a long time after you leave) that you begin to see how things really are.

They might see him on the weekends or whatever, but they will be able to come home at night not having that nasty pit-of-the-stomach feeling wondering how tense it will be in the house when they go in. They will be able to relax, as will you.

Leaving is never easy. The kids will blame you as well as him - but it can be the other way around, too. I blamed my poor mum for not leaving, even though as an adult I understand why that never happened.

As this is already getting nasty and you know she won't believe your letter I'd send her a link to this thread and start divorce proceedings.

Your DH sounds awful, OP. You deserve so much better than that.

Although according to her father last night he’s been telling her lies for years, so I don’t know why I’ve suddenly been uninvited. If I’m a hateful bigot I’ve been like that for 8 years.

John always says that nothing is ever enough for Helen - however much time, sympathy or money you give her, it’s never enough. That’s one of the things I agree with him on . So I accepted long ago that just by existing I piss her off - the only thing I could do to make her like me is die.

OP, has she told you that he's told her this all along? Has she told you that nothing is ever good enough for her?

I would just assume that everything he tells you is a lie and everything he tells her is a lie.

Thank you for sharing @Hubstar and I’m sorry if this thread had brought up unhappy memories. Thanks too for your offer to chat.

As you say, it’s not about a wedding invitation. It’s about a family relationship blown apart.

Because my kids will never forget this. Even if one of then goes to the wedding, they will feel so awkward explaining that their mum wasn’t invited and their siblings decided not to come. And they don’t know one single person who will be there, apart from their dad.

My kids are old enough to know right from wrong and they have their own opinions, whatever Helen says to them. They know you can’t invite 4 out of a family of 5, supposedly because you are keeping the numbers down ( to 80 ! ) because of Covid.

And if it’s about us not getting on - she shouldn’t have invited me in the first place.

I suspect that the poster who says he’s planning to leave soon is right. At least I bloody hope they are right. Although it would be a bit attention seeking to leave your wife of 20 years a few weeks before your daughters wedding.

The issue isn't the wedding. It's your husband. I think you need to tell your children what's going on and what's been said. He sounds just awful. His daughter sounds just like him too. Honestly you sound lovely, but this is pure poison. Please tell your children. They need the full story, before she starts texting and piling pressure on them. This is so sad for you. You have to protect yourself and your children now x

You guys know I can’t do that, right? He will still see then even once we divorce . I’m not going to tell them they can’t see their father, even if I could

Firstly, at least they would have the option to avoid him. At the moment they are stuck in the same house as him, with no choice whatsoever.

Secondly, by staying in the marriage, and covering for him to some extent, you're teaching them that his behaviour is acceptable. That when they are grown, it's okay for their partner to treat them like that. If you leave, they can still see him, but you've taught them that no-one has to put up with abuse.

BTW shes already told me what hymns I have to have / not have at my own / her fathers funeral. She has very strong views about music ( and so so many other things ).

What business is your funeral of hers?

Perhaps she is the controlling one in her relationship rather than her DP.

I recommend keeping your powder dry until you have spoken to a shit hot lawyer. Take this bastard for all you can get. Don’t give him an inkling until you are ready to make a move. And then, let him have it. Show no mercy, he is a disgusting specimen. And once you’re done, tell your children plus his daughter the full truth. Don’t protect him. They need to know what a shit their father is, what they do with that information is then up to them.

@R0SEMARY - you have had issues with her for years. He has been feeding her lies for years. She was never the issue. He was. How can you believe, knowing what you know now, that any of her behaviour towards you was because of you and not because of what he had told her. She must have thought you were completely two-faced, being nice to her face and all the while bitching about her to her Dad behind her back. No wonder she has a fucked up relationship with you. He has been poisoning her all along.