Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

I haven't read the full thread yet so I might be repeating what other posters have said.

I wouldn't show anyone the thread. But I would print off my original post and show it to my children. I would also send it to Helen AND to her fiancee. She needs to know what her FIL is like and that she and Helen could have had support all these years from you if it hadn't been for his lies.

Then see a solicitor. It's time now. This is no life to live when you only have one life.

Can't quote, but you post: "I’m sure thats exactly how Helen sees it. And no doubt her fiancée and her family.

Although according to her father last night he’s been telling her lies for years, so I don’t know why I’ve suddenly been uninvited. If I’m a hateful bigot I’ve been like that for 8 years.

If she has simply not invited me in the first place or told me sooner that would have saved me buying an outfit grin . She even told me what to wear and has to approve of my dress.

John always says that nothing is ever enough for Helen - however much time, sympathy or money you give her, it’s never enough. That’s one of the things I agree with him on . So I accepted long ago that just by existing I piss her off - the only thing I could do to make her like me is die.

Even then she will complain that shes not in my will “ When I’ve always treated Rosemary like a mother “ grin .

BTW shes already told me what hymns I have to have / not have at my own / her fathers funeral. She has very strong views about music ( and so so many other things )."

I don't see why you are so salty at Helen - it is your cock of a husband that is the issue here. She did not choose to have him as a father. You chose to marry him, have children with him, stay married to him and even now seem to be more annoyed by Helen than him.

Helen is not the issue here - the issue is you and your horrible husband. You either adress that or you don't - but having a go at Helen achieves nothing.

OP,
All the money that's sloshing around in your post and it's never occurred to you to siphon off some into an account as an exit fund.

What an utterly toxic home for your children.

You sound so passive.

Who cares about Helen?
So much focus on her.
What about your own children and what they have been modelled and have seen.

It's a poisonous relationship with a poisonous man.

I find it frankly unbelievable that you couldn't put a large amount in an account if he has given money to women.

Have you any access to the finances of the business.

A shit hot lawyer and a forensic accountant could sort out this.

If he has given money away, that is from his share.

Your children are in local schools while his dau4is given thousands?

How have you allowed that to happen?

BTW she's already told me what hymns I have to have / not have at my own / her fathers funeral. She has very strong views about music ( and so so many other things ).

I would tell her she's very welcome to arrange the music /whatever for her own hateful toxic father's funeral, but you will leave express wishes for your own.

John always says that nothing is ever enough for Helen - however much time, sympathy or money you give her, it’s never enough. That’s one of the things I agree with him on . So I accepted long ago that just by existing I piss her off - the only thing I could do to make her like me is die

Why would you assume anything he says is true and not him trying to manipulate you both.

I feel for your OP. It’s a horrible situation. It’s frustrating to try to do right by people and they just have no empathy or understanding of what it’s like for you. I get that teenagers are self-absorbed and their brains not fully developed, but you think you’d reflect back to a time when you were violent to a pregnant woman and feel such guilt for it as an adult. Your life would be better with both your husband and step-daughter out of it. From her point of view she’s less to blame. It’s natural that she would believe her father. He’s just a horrible person. He was using you to voice his real opinion of his daughter to her face. It’s just vile.

Since he has shown that he lies and manipulates people I’d be wary of trying to cover for him with your children. Hopefully they can see what kind of man he is.

Best of luck with getting out the marriage. You deserve much better.

[quote KitKatty55]@theleafandnotthetree - Because I don’t believe everything people write, often words will be altered to make the poster look like the victim, when in fact it’s the other way around, remember there are always two sides to every story.
If you can’t see that OP actually dislikes her step daughter, then you need to read through all of her posts to see this.
I’ve seen it many times in RL too, heard one story and then completely the opposite and lots of things not mentioned in fear of the person looking like the villain, when they wanted people to think they were actually the hero.[/quote]
Of course I can see that she dislikes her, as she has every right to given the history of the situation. I'm pretty sure I'd loathe her!

And of course there are two sides to every story but still in some cases some people are objectively awful and let's say 90% at fault, they don't get a free pass because the other people were less than perfect. I see it with my own parents marriage, I used to be almost 100% that my father was in the wrong, with time and maturity I can see that my mother played a role in the dynamic too and that there was indeed 'another side'. But the 'other side' was still mostly wrong!

Send Helen a copy of the [ost you've written here. Send another to your DH and tell him, his longterm lie is over. Show it to your other children, because he may have been lying about you to them too.

Now you know you really really need to get out of the marriage and make a happy life for yourself. 

As for the wedding;

. Helen should have had the sense and judgement to know that all the help and support you've given to her wedding is NOT the behaviour of a cruel homophobic stepmother. Too bad. But you don't have to take part in this ridiculous psychodrama between her and her father; just step aside, leave them to it. Announce you will not attend the wedding, you will take no further part in any plans or organisation for her or other guests. If she wants her stepsibs there then she will have to organise their attendance.

         There are consequences  for Helens behaviour, and your husbands, and  they will have to face up to them on their own. 

           I'm afraid you have been the  unintentional  enabler of  both of them for far too long, and your  best intentions have  had the  very opposite effect.  You need to step off that  merrygo round now and empower yourself.

          <a class="break-all" href="https://www.healthline.com/health/enabler" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.healthline.com/health/enabler</a>

You sound like a lovely person and I wish you the very best for a happier future.

I suspect that the poster who says he’s planning to leave soon is right. At least I bloody hope they are right.

If he does remember to look really sad in public for the first 3-6 months to make him look shit, whilst you sort out the divorce and fleece him for every penny because of how badly he has treated you. At home, in private you can put celebratory songs on loop and crack open the Verve Clique every night having offloaded the malignant tumor from your life.

As soon as you have got what you want out of him, you can then tell everyone that he has set you free and it is the best thing ever to happen to you.

@theleafandnotthetree - If this is how the poster feels about her step daughter, do you blame Helen? Read all of the posts, it starts of as how much she has supported Helen, then soon the posters real feelings are clear about her step daughter, even quoting her as having ‘disastrous relationships’.
It’s very evident the poster has twisted things to make herself look like the victim.
Helen has seen through the poster, hence the withdrawal of the invite.

@R0SEMARY

Two of the kids have already decided they are not going and the other is thinking about it.

I’ve not told them any of the information about their dad, just that I’m uninvited . I said I would be ok whatever they decided, they are free to go with their dad or stay home with me. I’ve said to take the weekend to decide.

How old are your children?

My Dad is a bit like this. Spineless and wants to please everyone. I agree that you should tell her the truth, even though she probably won’t believe you at the moment. She may well realise in the future you were telling the truth though! So mainly because your children are her siblings, I think you should tell her the truth. I really feel for you, he’s treated you appallingly!

I think you've dodged a bullet in not going to that wedding, to be honest! However, my medical suggestion is that you might consider a worthless-husband-ectomy! Does he have any good qualities?!

I think you do need to leave your dh really as this must be last straw and what he has done is plain nasty? Whats to stop him doing it to your own children in years to come.
Also I think I would be tempted to tell my teens why she has uninvited you? And how you deny that you have said that
Have they heard their dad say any of these things? Im not saying to tell them it was him not me , but most likely they would if heard some conversations and be able to draw their own conclusions.
I would maybe message your step daughter and say I have spoken to your dad, of course I deny what he has said to you and cannot understand why he has done that , but this is your choice. Have a nice day etc etc

@theleafandnotthetree -

Of course I can see that she dislikes her, as she has every right to given the history of the situation. I'm pretty sure I'd loathe her!

The OP has every right to despise her step daughter? When (according to the poster) her husbands told his stepdaughter everything OP has said over the years about his daughter?

Would you still like your step mother, if they had been slagging you off over the years?

You need to tell your children what happened and at least give them the chance to decide if they want to attend the wedding because when they find out after the wedding they could be very angry and who would blame them. As for the husband he sounds absolutely horrid

If your children are teens, you do realise they get a say in how much/whether they see their father at all?

And as he's away a lot that may not be much of an issue.

Are you just an employee of the company or a director/shareholder? Because either you need to get another job or legal advice.

But I would stop injecting any cash into anything that he benefits from

[quote KitKatty55]@theleafandnotthetree - If this is how the poster feels about her step daughter, do you blame Helen? Read all of the posts, it starts of as how much she has supported Helen, then soon the posters real feelings are clear about her step daughter, even quoting her as having ‘disastrous relationships’.
It’s very evident the poster has twisted things to make herself look like the victim.
Helen has seen through the poster, hence the withdrawal of the invite.[/quote]
I have no idea what you have against this woman who sounds as if she made tremendous efforts for her step-daughter, has tried to be a better parent than her absolute scum of a father. She doesn't need to twist anything to make herself look like the victim, if we are to believe what she says, she literally IS the victim. I can't believe she has continued to make any efforts in terms of organising wedding stuff etc, she has done this DESPITE being treated pretty appallingly through the years. Of course she will have had thoughts and made judgements about things Helen has done, she's not a machine. Implying that Helen has 'seen through her' as if the OP were pretending to be her BFF is just bizarre. The OP has done more than most would have done to keep some sort of peace and relationship going with this abusive woman, despite not being too fond of her. That doesn't make her two-faced or anything, it makes her a member of a family.

"This is no life to live when you only have one life."

^I agree, your dh is a lying, cheating, hypocritical dickhead, who treats you like a skivvy, and takes no responsibility for his own messes (literal and otherwise).

Hopefully you can get the money back from the accommodation and you can use it to go on a nice holiday with your kids, not inviting the ‘D’H obviously.

Oh and I don't blame Helen at all for uninviting her if she believes her father - the problem is that the father told a very skewed version of the truth. But Helen can have been wronged and still be pretty awful herself, the two are not mutually exlusive. Honestly, if I were the OP I'd be washing my hands of the husband, the step-daughter and let the half-siblings have contact if they want, she doesn''t have to be involved in it at all.

Just send her the link..

The fact you still call him Darling Husband and yet admit he is an adulterous, lying, spineless, homophobic, hateful man, and your posts on the whole appear to blame Helen (him too yes, but your focus is on what you have done for her over the years), show that you still have feelings for him.

That is so sad, the hold he has on you. I can 100% understand why for the children's sake you havent left him yet, but I think it goes much deeper than that for you

I have read all your posts OP, but not the whole thread.

I'm so sorry you are in this ghastly situation and hope you will soon be free of your husband and free to lead a happier life.

However, what stands out to me in your original post is this: if your DH has truly been saying all along that his views of Helen are yours, why has she involved you in these wedding plans for years? Why is it that she only now uninvites you? It makes no sense. I think he must be lying to you. The only other explanation is that she was deliberately intending to lead you into thinking you were welcome and wanted at the wedding, when she never intended you to come at all. How likely is that, given she must realise it could mean the loss of some of her bridesmaids/ ushers?

Leave them all behind (not your kids obviously) and you’ll be very happy!