Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

Why are you with this man?

Helen doesn't sound very pleasant but she's largely a victim of her father's abuse and manipulation. Rather than a long letter, I would send a brief card wishing her well and saying that you've always supported her life choices 100% and are over the moon that she's found someone special to share her life with. Then I'd leave it there.

As for your DH, please kick-start the divorce. Today, preferably. Don't ruin any more of your life on the basis of the sunk costs fallacy.

@SausageBeanz - I’m with you on this, I don’t think OP is being honest about everything, in her recent posts she’s pretty much made it clear she dislikes her step daughter. OP I think Helen can see through you, hence the uninvite.

Helen has that handed you a wonderful gift. You don’t have to do this anymore. Now you know it’s pointless, you can be done. To uninvite someone to your wedding is drawing a line, so you get to draw it too. No more arranging things, no more facilitating anything, no more defending or even discussing her. She doesn’t exist anymore.

I'd ģet both of them out of my life. I wouldn't write a letter.

You say there is nothing new apart from the announcement so this wedding talk may have caused the subject of money for the wedding to come up and your husband has said I would pay for it/ give you money but R won’t let me and has had threatened divorce and taking the other DC away

We gave her the £10k about 2 years ago , when the wedding was booked. It was all paid for more than a year ago.

And John gives her money all the time ( even though she is well off ) . He never even tells me, let alone asks me. It’s up to him, it’s his money.

Someone asked what I’ve told the teens. I said what she told me and the one teen who heard directly from her ( with a slightly different story ) has told their siblings.

They all think it’s a shitty things to do. The one she contacted directly has texted Helen back to tell her so. She’s not replied.

Of course that’s another things she will blame me for - preventing the children from attending. But I’ve give then all a free choice and said I won’t be upset if they choose to go. Its a hard position for them to be in - they were looking forward to it, they have never been to a wedding before and it’s all Helen has talked about for years. They all have outfits and roles to play. It’s a very big deal.

You really need to tell your children the truth, even if you decide not to tell Helen. As it is you are allowing them to think that their sister is a horrible person, uninviting you for no reason except nastiness. When actually, she has finally decided she doesn't need to invite homophobes to her wedding - a decision she would be quite right to make, if it were true! It isn't Helen's fault, nor your DC's, that their dad is a lying prick. They deserve the chance at a proper sibling relationship.

asking for my help with various aspects of wedding organisation.

This is why she let you think you would going. That and the latest 10,000.

I would get financial advice as I think you're owed a lot of money out of this marriage. Was it some of your money she stole for non existent University fees?

If you have previously agreed to give some of your earnings towards the wedding but haven't actually made the transfer I wouldn't bother.

Nor would I bother telling her what her father is like, I dont think she cares. Make sure your children know the truth and separate your finances from this coward of a husband.

I'm shocked that finances are what have prevented you from walking away when you still seem to be supporting his extravagance...stop now and put the money aside for you. Get copies of all financial docs pertaining to marriage and business for if/when you decide to take the plunge and leave - keep them secure away from the home, maybe a solicitors?

I'm so sorry you've been used like this

Honestly staying with him for the sake of the children is not really a good enough reason to stay. Kids aren't stupid they probably know you aren't happy with him. My parents separating was the best thing for all of us. (we still have Sunday dinner together, well before covid etc., but it was a amicable split, yours might not be...)

With the wedding thing, as she isn't explaining why she's uninvited you I think you should tell her that you will respect her decision to un invite you, and wish her well, and if she needs help with anything else you will always be there for her. Perhaps also ask who will be looking after your children during the ceremony while the dad is walking her down the aisle and same for Reception (needs to be a sober adult...) will your teenagers be allowed champagne etc.?.

As someone who has uninvited a family member from a wedding, if you want to maintain the relationship you will need to support of her decision, she is an adult, support her even if you don't understand it. It would not have been an easy decision for her to make (it wasn't for me). If she takes this well then you could ask why you are being uninvited. If she says everything you have listed above its going to be very difficult to prove it was him and not you. People tend to believe the first story they hear whether it's the truth or not. Maybe you could also try apologising depending on what she says back. Talking it out with her is the best thing you can do. Let her know you will be disappointed that you can't attend, but if she doesn't want you there you won't attend. Try not to be angry with her, wedding are all hype and stress. Hope everything works out ok and that what I've said is useful, (it also might not be helpful).

It sounds like you both dislike helen and she dislikes you right back but she can’t bring herself to cut her own dad out of her wedding. It seems like you had a bit of a two-faced, forced relationship with her from the start anyway so I don’t know why you’re shocked at this.

You’ve saved yourself a long trip, look at it that way. Be glad you’ve got out of it and you have an excuse not to have to do things for her any more.

Well he's a real gem isn't he and the apple doesn't seem to have fallen far from the tree!

You really need to make the break. Yes it will be tough intially but I'm sure you'd feel much better for doing so. There will never be a right time, you need to start making serious plans. You only get one crack at life (as far as we know), don't let him make yours miserable any longer.

Why the fuck are we still talking about Helen?

OP, what you need to do right now is go to a solicitor and plan out how to start and go through with a divorce which will take this absolute pig of a man to the cleaners.

Before you even start it I'd be temped to make sure any valuables which are even half reasonably 'yours' disappear from your joint house - jewellery or furniture items - to a safe place.

Before you tell him, make sure you get absolutely every shred of paperwork you can get your hands on.

Find the most Rottweiler solicitor you can.

Do it asap so that he owes child support for as long as possible.

You are actually in a strong position working in his business - the typical female partner who is now at a disadvantage because of her 'unseen' contribution. Believe me, a good lawyer will make sure that contribution is seen.

Fuck Helen, she sounds as unpleasant as her father. Who gives a shit what he said and when and why. There'll be some nasty reason. Just be pleased it's been the catalyst for you to get out.

This isn't just about Helen or your H though. The most important people here are your children. Please get them away from this man, divorce and set up a new, honest, loving home before they are of the age to leave it, and give them the mental space to draw their own conclusions about their pig of a father.

Don't be still there at 75, in a house with Pig, wondering why your kids as adults make every excuse under the sun to not really bother with you both.

They'll work him out, don't still be his bloody servant when they do.

You've got time now to start out in your own place and you WILL get a fair settlement. Do it.

I'm very sorry you are going through this Rosemary. My heart goes out to you. With manipulative people you often think 'why are they doing this?' because it's so destructive it's not rational in the larger scheme of things. It's exhausting being amongst drama such as this. I hope longterm you extract yourself and your kids from this situation. You all deserve so much more.

You have listed off many character flaws of Helen, all apparantly in your DH's worse, but then dripfed that actually, you agreed with him on some of it, then go on to call Helen a bridezilla and that you never wanted to go to her wedding anyway.

Reading your posts I've no doubt you've been very unpleasant toward and about her yourself, and she knows it.

Is OP not allowed to agree that stealing, lying, cheating and violence are wrong?

Well now you know you have to gird your loins so to speak
Stop his access to joint money make sure all your ducks are in a row re the house etc and tell him to leave don’t ask hi. Just tell hi
Also tell your dcs that you are going to tell him to leave too

[quote KitKatty55]@SausageBeanz - I’m with you on this, I don’t think OP is being honest about everything, in her recent posts she’s pretty much made it clear she dislikes her step daughter. OP I think Helen can see through you, hence the uninvite.[/quote]
Could be.

But then why invite Op at all?

It's not as if her husband would have cared!

And now she risks Op's kids not going!

Stop hiding things - expose your husband for the prick he is! All his kids need to know what an arsehole character he is as he will continue to ruin their lives in the future so they need to be armed so they can see through his manipulative lies.

Surely she knows how he treated her mum or could ask?

I don’t know what her mum has said to her about why their marriage broke up. I assume now that he cheated on her but of course that’s not what he told me. And I believed his story when we met - why wouldn’t I ? I was in love with him and he seemed very honest, I had no reason to doubt him.

What did he do when she was physically abusive to you? Did he intervene or punish her?

He wasn’t there to intervene, he worked away a lot and I looked after Helen at our house. And it wasn’t a question of punishing her, she was a very troubled young woman who was self harming and she hated me so it wasn’t her fault .

She didn’t, however, hate me enough to stay at her mums when her dad was away. Most of the time she lived at our house, he was away.

And if this is what he has told her, what will he tell your actual DC's to get them on his side?

Yes this is a big concern, if he’s been lying to her for a decade I wonder what he’s been saying to the others.

I can’t get my head round it all. Everything I thought about my relationship with Helen has been wrong. For years.

I never though she was close to me or even liked me. But I thought we had a good working relationship and we’ve never had words or argued since she was a teenager. I am always lovely to her and her partners - it’s not hard as I’ve had decades of biting my tongue. And I’ve done everything I can to facilitate my children’s relationship with her.

More fool me 🙁

1 Why are you still married to this narrow minded man who has affairs and doesn't support his daughter or you.

2 You've put up with a lot from this his daughter, why is she uninviting you to this wedding? I think there's some manipulation going on here. Manipulative people just want drama so don't take their crap personally.

3 Teens are messed up for a reason, the whole family system caused this girls problems, has no one looked at this? I think your husband has something to do with it.

4 Don't go where you're not wanted. Let your teens go with a smile, then think about divorce.

Good luck.

Assuming DH is telling the truth about lying for years, and it would be a twisted thing to lie about, I don’t think right now she will listen to anything you say.

Perhaps in the future, possibly post divorce, it’s something you can address with her but I really don’t think there’s any point getting into it now. She will always side with her dad. She will not want to believe he has been lying for years. He said/she said she will pick a team and it won’t be yours.

But, as others have said this needs to be the catalyst to get away from this toxic arsehole.

I’m assuming you took legal advice when he told you he would not leave. It’s quite possible you might get a mesher order to stay in the house while the kids are in education.

Either way, what happens to the house is for the court to decide, not DH.

So why now? Well it’s possible he’s told her something that she thinks is the last straw. That she never wanted you there on the basis of his brainwashing, and so it only needed a small trigger.

Sod that I would tell her the truth, all of it from when you met him. He has already thrown you under the bus so doesn't matter if you do. He obviously does not appreciate how much effort you have put into smoothing things over all the time. And using your time and energy on this wedding because it it her when you would rather not. And yes he is ridiculous for how he treats you but then worries about her. He has obviously wanted to voice his opinion on her life, but couldn't say it as his own, so used it as your opinion to get his point across. That is just vile.

Bloody hell. I'm rarely speechless, but I am speechless about this thread.

This is hard to read; I feel so sorry for you having to deal with this awful man. It sounds like you've raised three great teenagers though, despite his influence! I hope you're proud.

I also feel sorry for Helen. It sounds like she had a very troubled upbringing for whatever reason (probably that awful man again) and he's dripped poison in her ear for a decade. I would uninvite someone from my wedding if I truly believed they had been saying those things about me.

I don't really have any advice. I just wanted to say I feel for you and you come across as a wonderful person.

I don't know what Helen has done wrong. As a troubled teenager, her father was never there and instead left her with her SM, who he told her hated/disapproved of her so she lashed out. Possibly looking for her dad's attention?

As an adult she uninvited the woman who she has been told was homophobic and did nothing but say nasty things about her and her partner.

Right, well forget Helen.

Get rid of the husband. Tell everyone who will listen why, because right now you're just covering for him and putting your kids right in the path for a load of abuse from him.

Stayed with him for the kids?! Bollocks you did.