Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

Why is this still about Helen ... and not the twat John

@R0SEMARY

Get yourself a solicitor and discuss getting an occupation order.

That will at least cover you until your youngest is 18

This isn't Helen's fault, this is johns fault. Helen is the way she is because of that twat John.

@kelly345 she will never be their ex step sister - she will always be their half sister

As a minor (and really by now pretty inconsequential) thought - could one of the underlying reasons that Helen wanted your DC at her wedding is because she fears her father won't bother turning up if he's the only one going?

I mean, obviously there's the rest of it too, but that did just cross my mind. However, that's NOT to say that your DC should go, at all! It won't be their fault, or yours in any way, if he can't bother his arse to go to his own daughter's wedding.

I also don't believe that Helen is an innocent victim of John's manipulations. Many people are brought up by narc parents, and they don't all follow the pattern themselves. Helen has her own reasons for despising the OP and has chosen to behave this way - she may have inherited aspects of John's personality which inclined her more to his type of behaviour, but she's not an innocent pawn.

Also Helen will LOVE it a bit if your kids don't go, because it will give her a reason to be all dramatic again and tell people how awful it is that the didnt attend.

What a nasty piece of work your dh is. I would say LTB but it is not easy of course.
I would be tempted to send a link to thread too.

Agree, helen would love it a bit if she could say that her evil step mother talked her siblings out of attending.

Even though OP won't be around to be scapegoated directly in the future, Helen will love to have somebody to pin blame on. But, as others have identified if John and Rosemary divorce, it will no longer give Helen the same frisson it once did to come between them, because probably John won't have the stomach for it and Rosemary will be gone, but channelling, do what you're going to do ..........

I'd be afraid that after John and Rosemary split up, Helen would try and get one sibling on side and form a two against two drama there. But it looks like Rosemary's kids weren't born yesterday.

@Northernsoulgirl45

What a nasty piece of work your dh is. I would say LTB but it is not easy of course. I would be tempted to send a link to thread too.

You cannot penetrate the forcefield of a martyred covert hyper sensitive narc. I have two in my life. Both women actually and so, of course, I ended up having children with a narc. Unfortunately it's like my specialist subject. I can think of better subjects! But if you hope a narcissist is going to have an epiphany where they understand that they have projected their shame, insecurities and abandonment issues on to most vulnerable person in what they see as the ''power structure'' (the family) then you'll be waiting a long, long time. Scapegoating is the perfect way to evade any difficult emotions.

@Twisique

Now they will gang up and try to gaslight you!

Quite possibly. When/If you feel you are being driven to the edge, step back and reread this thread to rebalance yourself. Another reason not to share this thread.. Strength to you @R0SEMARY 🌹

@FantasticButtocks
She's also chosen a girlfriend with unhealthy (controlling) tendencies so she's ensured plenty of drama and trouble in future times.

Yes, this exactly @R0SEMARY. This is deliberate choice although subconscious, paradoxically. If you understand this, it will help you detach more from worrying about Helen possibly being in a controlling or abusive relationship. All of their destructive actions are feeding each other and you’re best grey rocking it. Detach.

@Number3BigCupOfTea thank you so SO MUCH for posting that link. I’ve listened to it about three times and tried to write down everything he says. It’s so much to take it at once.

The Second level - envious scapegoater - describes my situation exactly.

Everything you and others are saying about Helen rings true. She is in fact diagnosed with a mood disorder and BPD. I can’t remember if I sad that upthread but I didn’t want the thread to be about bashing someone with a MH problem. Although I agree that it’s more a PD.

I now see that telling her me not to come to the wedding was her trying to balance the ledger and exact revenge. Because she has no understanding or insight into normal healthy family relationships, she thought that the kids would still come “ because they know how important it is to her “.

She can’t see that they have views and feelings of their own. She is FURIOUS that we gave them a choice. She and Katy repeatedly said “ we didn’t tell you to give then a choice “ and “ we don’t understand why you think it’s ok to give then a choice “.

Even I can see it’s about control. Because it’s clearly batshit to anyone reading . I can’t even force then to do their homework or empty the dishwasher.

So it’s not just that she thinks I will force them. She thinks they will choose her over me ( even though that’s not a game I’m playing).

Her grandiosity stops her seeing what is pretty obvious to everyone else you don’t force three kids to take sides between

(A) their mother( who they are close to and has lived with them and been their main carer for whole lives) and

(B) their half sister who has never lived with two of the three of them, they see about once a year, who has brought terrible stress and upset into everyone’s lives for years and who doesn’t know the first thing about them because she shows no interest in them as a person.

I couldn’t understand how she didn’t foresee this, but the video has Explained why. That and much much more.

I understand now why she’s doing this and why I can never fix it. And why she’s enjoying it so much.

She’s not distressed and upset - she’s getting off on our distress. It’s frightening.

@Number3BigCupOfTea I’ve sent you a PM about that video, hope that’s ok.

Just been reading this, @R0SEMARY - this might help you too!
thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/01/the-female-narcissist-is-just-as-dangerous-heres-why

Side stepping all of Helen's MH issues, a few years ago, a cousin who I rarely speak to, suddenly got in touch asking if I could attend her wedding? Bit odd, as am not close to her, and after speaking with my mother, she sort of brought up the fact that cousin really only wanted the children to attend as it was better for the photos?

Ended up not going as it was in Canada and would have been a small fortune to travel over for someone who only really contacted me for a photo op.

What is it about weddings that bring out the worst in people?

@ilovemydogandMrObama

I can’t believe you were unwilling to fly across the Atlantic and provide your extremely photogenic children as wedding accessories! Don’t you know it’s the bride’s special day?

What is it about weddings that bring out the worst in people?

Being the centre of attention is a high for many, they know (or think) EVERYONE has to acknowledge they are number 1 for that day. It is exhausting for everyone around but I think as most people are kindhearted and want the best for them, the ones like Helen are riding that train for all it's worth!!

Your dc sound like they know the score @R0SEMARY, no flies on them as the saying goes!

@ThumbWitchesAbroad reading that now, it’s also helpful, thank you.

You're welcome - I thought point 1 was particularly fascinating in terms of what's happened here - building you up with regards to the wedding, only to smash you down at the last minute and then watch the fallout with gleeful satisfaction.

Really quite scary how these people operate!

I’ve been reading the full thread but it dropped of my list.
Op do you think that this has been cooked up between them? To get you out of the wedding? That she’s never actually wanted you there but couldn’t “shake you of” and now has managed to get you out of the wedding?
But your children aren’t playing ball so it hasn’t gone quite the way she wanted.

Either way your being so strong

This is a horrible situation but I do think you're getting a bit sidetracked by Helen, who is irrelevant and not your problem, really.

Your DH is your problem though, and unfortunately is not one that's going to go away if you just push it to one side.

I've got the opposite problem with my daft family.

Being hassled (by DM) to invite distant cousins and their children that I've never met because it would be "nice" to have them in the photos.

I’d be likely to tell Helen and Kate at this point - “Sure, blame me. Fine. I don’t care anymore because we all know the truth.”

I said something similar to a guy long ago that I had dated a few months who turned out to be a liar, drug abuser and thief. He threw all kinds of wild accusations at me when I broke up with him. I just decided not to defend myself and let him say and think whatever he wanted.

She will leave you alone once she sees it’s not getting under your skin. Problem is she may then go after one of the kids.

[quote R0SEMARY]@Number3BigCupOfTea thank you so SO MUCH for posting that link. I’ve listened to it about three times and tried to write down everything he says. It’s so much to take it at once.

The Second level - envious scapegoater - describes my situation exactly.

Everything you and others are saying about Helen rings true. She is in fact diagnosed with a mood disorder and BPD. I can’t remember if I sad that upthread but I didn’t want the thread to be about bashing someone with a MH problem. Although I agree that it’s more a PD.

I now see that telling her me not to come to the wedding was her trying to balance the ledger and exact revenge. Because she has no understanding or insight into normal healthy family relationships, she thought that the kids would still come “ because they know how important it is to her “.

She can’t see that they have views and feelings of their own. She is FURIOUS that we gave them a choice. She and Katy repeatedly said “ we didn’t tell you to give then a choice “ and “ we don’t understand why you think it’s ok to give then a choice “.

Even I can see it’s about control. Because it’s clearly batshit to anyone reading . I can’t even force then to do their homework or empty the dishwasher.

So it’s not just that she thinks I will force them. She thinks they will choose her over me ( even though that’s not a game I’m playing).

Her grandiosity stops her seeing what is pretty obvious to everyone else you don’t force three kids to take sides between

(A) their mother( who they are close to and has lived with them and been their main carer for whole lives) and

(B) their half sister who has never lived with two of the three of them, they see about once a year, who has brought terrible stress and upset into everyone’s lives for years and who doesn’t know the first thing about them because she shows no interest in them as a person.

I couldn’t understand how she didn’t foresee this, but the video has Explained why. That and much much more.

I understand now why she’s doing this and why I can never fix it. And why she’s enjoying it so much.

She’s not distressed and upset - she’s getting off on our distress. It’s frightening.[/quote]

And what about DH John who created ALL OF THIS

OP has repeatedly said she’s leaving him.