Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

I know myself that leaving the bastard is not a 72 hour action. It took me about 5 months from the last straw broken to walking away, but you deserve peace in your life. You sound like a really, really fair and level headed person and you have been rewarded for that by having been made the scapegoat. I hope that when you do get away from him your life is easier and more enjoyable and more peaceful!

Goodness both your husband and step daughter sound narcissistic and toxic. The lying by both of them (your husband cheating) and your stepdaughter weaving her own version of the past to make you the bad guy would be enough for me to step back and not engage with either. They are certainly both controlling and no amount of money would allow me to keep them in my life a moment longer than needed. It sounds like he is not an engaged father whether you are together or apart. Look after your teens and get an escape plan in place for you to leave or get rid of your husband and make sure you get legal advice on how to get what you are rightfully owed in relation to the house, the business and the debt you repaid for him when you first married.

Your stepdaughter sounds bi polar and her partner not much better so the less contact you have with them the better. I disagree that you have to see her because your children are her half siblings as it does not sound like they are at all close and the only thing they have in common is their twat of a father. Leave them to their wedding plans, cancel whatever accommodation you have booked and make plans to do something with your kids.

I’m so sorry I can’t offer any advice, I’m so shocked at the situation... Just want to offer you my sympathy, how AWFUL and low of your husband. I wish you the best in your life, hope you move on.

I've only read your posts OP and then distracted myself because it reminded me of a book I read years ago by Anne Fine called Telling Liddy, the plot I half remember as these 4 sisters were entwined in each others lives, before the ostracise one for spreading a rumour, and at first she's devastated and puts all her time and energy into trying to get the relationship back and explain herself and by the end just realises fuck it, her life is better without the constant dramas and interference. I'm paraphrasing (probably inaccurately) but what struck me is this is taking so much time and energy that would be so much beneficial spent elsewhere. Divorce, go no contact with Helen and enjoy getting your life back

You didn't stay for the sake of the children. You should have left years ago. All you've done in inexplicably bought up your children up in a toxic environment and have damaged them for life. All children want is a safe, loving environment to be bought up in and you failed to provide them with this because you chose to stay with a sore nasty loser of a Husband.

Please don't blame @R0SEMARY - don't blame the victim. I'm sure she's aware of this, but she's been trapped into an increasingly abusive relationship. It's easy to say what you say from the outside, but I expect from within, it's nowhere near clear cut.

@Deeplane

you lost me at;

'Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives'.

You didn't stay for the sake of the children. You should have left years ago. All you've done in inexplicably bought up your children up in a toxic environment and have damaged them for life. All children want is a safe, loving environment to be bought up in and you failed to provide them with this because you chose to stay with a sore nasty loser of a Husband.

Leave him now and stop putting your poor children through all this disfunction.

Completely agree with you.

Certainly honesty and truth has no part in the home those children having living in.

The OP seems determined to think that she has thought about everyone other than herself in the choices that she has made.

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

I've only read your posts OP and then distracted myself because it reminded me of a book I read years ago by Anne Fine called Telling Liddy, the plot I half remember as these 4 sisters were entwined in each others lives, before the ostracise one for spreading a rumour, and at first she's devastated and puts all her time and energy into trying to get the relationship back and explain herself and by the end just realises fuck it, her life is better without the constant dramas and interference. I'm paraphrasing (probably inaccurately) but what struck me is this is taking so much time and energy that would be so much beneficial spent elsewhere. Divorce, go no contact with Helen and enjoy getting your life back

Thank you @CherryDocsInYrBalls, I will check that out sometime.

And thanks to so many posters who have offered kind comments and constructive advice.

holy moly this is all a bit of a mind fuck huh?

@ROSEMARY I echo others in leaving is the best thing here, and from reading your posts it sounds as though you have a plan.

good luck. stay strong. you got this.

@Number3BigCupOfTea

I know myself that leaving the bastard is not a 72 hour action. It took me about 5 months from the last straw broken to walking away, but you deserve peace in your life. You sound like a really, really fair and level headed person and you have been rewarded for that by having been made the scapegoat. I hope that when you do get away from him your life is easier and more enjoyable and more peaceful!

I think that’s a realistic timescale for me @Number3BigCupOfTea. It needs to be planned and done calmly after consulting the relevant professionals.

Thank you for your kind words.

Well, OP, you tried, but now you know once and for all: you can’t fix this. I have some toxic relatives and the moment I realised that no matter how patient and reasonable I was, they weren’t ever going to do the same was a true light bulb moment for me. I’m so glad I walked away.

The very best thing you can do for your kids now is show them their Mother having enough self respect to draw a line and refuse to allow herself to be bullied, lied to, cheated on and disrespected and further. Get yourself a good solicitor and get out of this once and for all.

On the plus side, as soon as you do manage to divorce this nasty piece of work, you can have little to no contact with your soon to be ex step daughter.

I am never and advocate of the braying LTB massive, but in your case, it sounds like you are sensibly lining up your ducks in order to get rid of this man.

Also on the plus side, your own children sound like they have inherited all of your thoughtfulness and intelligence (as comes across on these posts) and none of their father’s wankery. Seems like poor Helen (for I do reserve a modicum of sympathy for her, having grown up with a father like that who treated her appallingly, using her as a pawn in some weird game only he was playing) caught all of those genes.

Also, chances are she won’t leave spaces for your children at her wedding, as threatened, given Not Losing Face seems to be so important to her.

Good luck, OP. You’ve survived 20 years; you can survive another few months before you can finally extract yourself from this marriage with your head held high and your dignity intact.

Well I guess if he was supportive of you he would have told her to shut up and listen and just carried on telling her he had lied. He does sound pretty spineless really OP.

Does anyone else feel sorry for Helen's partner ?
A lifetime of drama. 😩

@LadyEloise

Does anyone else feel sorry for Helen's partner ? A lifetime of drama. 😩

Given OP said the partner was very controlling, no not really!

just as i thought she wouldnt believe the truth even from the horss mouth

what did john have to say after the call finished-i suppose something like i tried?

I also think a combination of 1,2, and 3 is likely.

For Helen, it probably feels much less dangerous to fall out with you than with her father. And in fact it is less dangerous. Because we already know her father is emotionally dangerous.

Because of her personality (disorder or otherwise) she is feeling a need to have a big drama and falling-out. So she should be feeling fairly satisfied now.

You and her father are not going to be together forever.

Helen and John are inextricably enmeshed in their twisted ways of living/thinking/behaving. They are stuck with each other as father and daughter for life. She can't afford to fall out with him, and he's not going to be married to you forever, so you are the easiest scapegoat for their mind games.

You'll bide your time, and step away from a lifetime of ugly emotional dishonesty. Thank GOODNESS!

You must be exhausted OP

If you walk away from him all this wedding drama and the relationship with Helen jumps immediately into the 'not my circus, not my monkeys' camp. And if you can truly detach, how blissful will that be for you.

Honestly, you sound like a decent person. Your other half is a nightmare and Helen and Katy will never appreciate you. Leave them all in their toxic mess and have a nice life!

Totally this.

Because of her personality (disorder or otherwise) she is feeling a need to have a big drama and falling-out. So she should be feeling fairly satisfied now

This is a total lightbulb moment for me, because that’s EXACTLY how Helen looked during and at the end of the zoom call. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it’s exactly that. Satisfied with a job well done.

I thought she would be shocked and very distressed. She was neither, she was totally calm and in control, with the odd snide remark. Not one tear or any signs of distress. It was like a business meeting to her.

Meanwhile I was trying not to cry for most of it.

Afterwards John seemed exhausted and relieved. I’m supposed to think that he was relieved that she wasn’t annoyed with him. But I think it’s more likely relieved that it all went as they both had planned.

I presume he had told her before that it was all fake but she was supposed to at least listen to his story. But clearly she CBA even pretending to do that and she cut him off about one paragraph into his two page script.

She was just entirely focussed on telling me why everything was my fault.

It’s exactly as you all said it would be. I’m such a fool to have thought up would make any difference. I’ve known her for 18 years and I still think she’s going to react like a normal human being. When will I learn ☹️

She sounds like a hyper sensitive covert narcissist.
As per your epiphany above, a narcissist is energised by drama and upset.

A normal person, their scapegoat is drained by it.

Be thankful you will be leaving all this drama far far behind!

I'm re listening to this again. You are the scapegoat in this situation. It describes your situation uncannily well.

*Because of her personality (disorder or otherwise) she is feeling a need to have a big drama and falling-out. So she should be feeling fairly satisfied now

This is a total lightbulb moment for me, because that’s EXACTLY how Helen looked during and at the end of the zoom call. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it’s exactly that. Satisfied with a job well done.

I thought she would be shocked and very distressed. She was neither, she was totally calm and in control, with the odd snide remark. Not one tear or any signs of distress. It was like a business meeting to her.

She felt better for having managed to cause immense drama and upset. By the end of the zoom call she'd topped up her narcissistic supply, and it was flooding through her veins like a soothing drug.

The more havoc and hate she is able to wreak, the better, that's what makes her feel most alive! It's sad. And it is so awful for you to have been the collateral damage in this twisted dynamic.

You did your best with her for years, and good will have filtered in. But it really isn't possible to have a healthy relationship with her because she is incapable. It's always hard to accept that nothing you can do will change that, no reasoning or rational explanations will make a difference. Because she thrives on this stuff. She needs it. She's also chosen a girlfriend with unhealthy (controlling) tendencies so she's ensured plenty of drama and trouble in future times.

You'll be well off away from this

@R0SEMARY

Because of her personality (disorder or otherwise) she is feeling a need to have a big drama and falling-out. So she should be feeling fairly satisfied now

This is a total lightbulb moment for me, because that’s EXACTLY how Helen looked during and at the end of the zoom call. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it’s exactly that. Satisfied with a job well done.

I thought she would be shocked and very distressed. She was neither, she was totally calm and in control, with the odd snide remark. Not one tear or any signs of distress. It was like a business meeting to her.

Meanwhile I was trying not to cry for most of it.

Afterwards John seemed exhausted and relieved. I’m supposed to think that he was relieved that she wasn’t annoyed with him. But I think it’s more likely relieved that it all went as they both had planned.

I presume he had told her before that it was all fake but she was supposed to at least listen to his story. But clearly she CBA even pretending to do that and she cut him off about one paragraph into his two page script.

She was just entirely focussed on telling me why everything was my fault.

It’s exactly as you all said it would be. I’m such a fool to have thought up would make any difference. I’ve known her for 18 years and I still think she’s going to react like a normal human being. When will I learn ☹️

To be honest she probably always resented you beneath the surface and always wanted daddy all to herself. From what you've told us on here the pair of them truly deserve each other, but you don't - you deserve better and so do your children. Once you've left she will be your ex stepdaughter and your children's ex step sister & then becomes absolutely nothing to any of you. Take immense joy in walking away with a large chunk of her inheritance.