Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

Posted too soon. My thoughts exactly.

"I would have assumed that any family culture that would be ashamed if siblings don’t attend the wedding (I am Asian and it would be WW3 if my siblings didn’t attend my wedding so I get it) would also consider homosexuality shameful."

Well, "John" finds it shameful that his daughter is gay.
I think I read that there aren't (m)any other family members attending the wedding, more friends and maybe family from the other bride - so the shame from family would be limited to John alone (or a few others if I've remembered wrong). But the shame of half your already limited family not turning up at all would matter regardless, I think?

I'm not arguing with you, btw, just saying that, as you've pointed out, family shame of homosexuality is a part of this too.

@R0SEMARY I have been following your story. You are doing brilliantly in a really tough situation. Take today to quietly celebrate that you never have to communicate with Helen ever again - just go NC from today. And tomorrow get a SHL and start detaching yourself from John at the pace that works for you. And make sure your DC don’t get gaslit by John while you are doing it

OP Would you really want to be there at this wedding regardless? It's my guess you would not.

I think you and your children deserve some peace in your lives and this latest fiasco is the catalyst that starts that journey as soon as you feel strong enough mentally and able to make that move to happiness go for it.

Twenty years is long enough. It's akin to a prison sentence.

Well it’s your own fault for staying with someone that has had numerous affairs. It’s not good for children to stay together if someone is cheating on another. What does it tell them about relationships?
I’d kick him out and stop any contact with him or his daughter. Wouldn’t let my children go to her wedding either. Move on.

Yes there is an issue with homosexuality in our culture. That’s the main reason John feels the way he does.

I have brought up our children with a more open view and of course they are of a different generation and are part of two cultures.

Helen doesn’t seem to appreciate that this hasn’t been easy and I have faced opposition within the extended family and wider community for supporting her.

That’s what John means when he says that nothing is ever enough for Helen.

So this is a real slap in the face in so many ways.

And yes, there are no other family members invited to the wedding . That’s Helen’s choice.

I didn’t want to make the thread all about that as it’s hard enough to deal with this without anyone saying derogatory things about my religion / culture. However I can see that some of you have read between the lines on this.

I’m lucky that this thread has so far escaped the notice of the usual step mum haters 🥺

@Rosemary
You say, in your opening post that you were very involved with the wedding prior to the latest blow up.
If she thought you were saying all those dreadful things over the years, why did she just blow up recently ?
Did I miss something ?

I couldn't have stuck with a man who had numerous affairs.

deeplane and Victoria anything constructive to say at all?

If she thought you were saying all those dreadful things over the years, why did she just blow up recently ?
Did I miss something ?

No you’ve not missed anything . I have no idea why things have turned like this in the last week. I am only assume it’s because of things that John has said to Helen.

Either that or this was the plan all along and she’s left it to near the time for the best dramatic effect.

Either that or this was the plan all along and she’s left it to near the time for the best dramatic effect

She's got what she wanted and you are no further use. You've given her 10k towards the wedding and she now has no further use for you.

Barking the lot of them. Your kids sound decent souls though.
Good luck with the (long-term) divorce OP!

Am really sorry to hear your latest update, but it does sort of read right out of a textbook on cognitive dissidence.

The short version is that her father can do no wrong, and even when he admits having done so, she won't/can't blame him, so finds someone else to blame.

Much depends on how much effort you want to put into the relationship, and staying with your husband and making the family work, but even if you plan to jump ship, would it be helpful to have a third party, maybe her psychiatrist could arrange a family session or recommend someone?

Clearly Helen's responses don't make much sense, as she doesn't seem to be bothered about her father's lying and blaming you, and yet she doesn't have any issues with him, but with you

The Helen Show now being over, I'd focus on your divorce. Try not to give too much headspace to the whole thing.

Now they will gang up and try to gaslight you!

How would you feel about writing her off and going NC with her? Your DC can see what she's like and are free to make their own choice about her and future contact, but I feel like you've had enough?

I think 'good riddance' is appropriate here. Get rid of that horrific man and his awful daughter and move on with your life. Your not the bad person here and your children sound old enough to make their own minds up, hopefully they got their brains and values from you and not their dad.

When dealing with Narcs , which is what l firmly believe they both are , there is a word the use to help us . JADE.
Don't justify yourself, Argue, Defend or Explain . I think a good idea as well would be to record any conversations you have with them both. Then you have proof in case you need it for your DC. Good luck OP

Wow. You have been through a lot and it has been absolutely thankless.

Your H has thrown you under a bus to try and make himself look good.

I don't know if I would send a letter ''dissing him'' as such but I would send a letter of well-wishing to make your position clear. To protect you in the future.

Although, are any of them worth it??

I get that he's your teens' father and she is their half-sister but holy moly, you've been scapegoated and he has allowed it to make himself look good.

And looking good must be difficult when it's clear he's been disinclined to accept a gay child and a gay daughter in law..

I think a short letter to say you're sad to have been uninvited as it's been a long road to get to the place where you could have witnessed her getting married with nothing but happiness for her and to be uninvited is not what you wanted or expected, but that the main thing is that their marriage is a long and happy one and you wish that for them.

You've been treated like shit.

@R0SEMARY I've been following this thread for a while and I do feel for you.

I hope you find a solution soon. I'd always recommend a solicitor. Give your likely to have 100% custody of the teens and Dick head (Aka DH) is away most of the time I'd say your in a favoured position for the house.

It's clear that Helen does have mental health issues and unfortunately some people litterly cannot see the truth in front of their eyes even with all the evidence. :(

The added bonus of ditching John is not having to give any head space to his dd.. Start divorce proceedings ASAP op. Your mh insists...

@R0SEMARY

So I can think of several explanations .

1. John had phoned her before and told her it was an all act.

1. She is mentally unwell and can’t hear information that doesn’t fit in her worldview.

1. She doesn't want to fall out with him as he has money.

All three, I'd wager.

John is a narcissistic sociopath. I don't like those words being dropped so often on here but he is textbook.

She has been raised by a man with personality disorders who has dripped poison in her ears for years, including when she was a vulnerable youngster. Her behaviour is disgraceful but she never stood a chance. That doesn't mean you shouldn't 100% walk away from her (you should) but I say that to show her behaviour isn't to do with you, it's to do with how her father has formed her.

The important thing now, as you know, is to focus on breaking up and keeping your children as emotionally safe and robust as possible. As he is likely to drip poison in their ears too once this happens, I would suggest an age appropriate summary of why you left is fair. From you, once you're out. No salacious details or getting emotional but the facts. His behaviour has been unacceptable for a number of years and you know they need a healthy mum and a healthy environment to live in, which isn't possible as long as you are a couple. They will know already what he's like deep down. Especially your child who you suspect is gay / bi. They will breathe a huge sigh of relief I imagine.

He probably rang her before and / or after to tell her you were 'making' him do this call and you had threatened xyz if he didn't play along. You can't negotiate reality with someone like him, you only exist as pawns in his game and so does Helen. Your opinion, even if totally factual and correct, is invalid and irrelevant if it doesn't fit his narrative. He's a bulldozer. He always wins at any cost, in his reality.

Look after yourself and focus on your children from this day on

I’m sorry your world has imploded so quickly and how hard it must be. A saving grace is that your marriage wasn’t in a great place already so your disbelief at his actions is not full on denial. I agree you need to leave for everyone’s benefit but also agree that this should be on your terms especially when it comes to finances and security of the children. The relationship with SD is irretrievable in my mind, partly because of the mentality she has (all your fault) but also because the relationship you thought you had with her did not exist and she may have been holding a lot of resentment towards you for so long due to lies but even if she believed the truth, that emotion doesn’t just go away (it’s like being in love with someone who betrays/hurts you, you know you shouldn’t but you can’t switch off caring about them). Wishing you and you DC the very best outcome

OP you’ve coped so well with this so far, but it’s time for the big girl pants - get a shit-hot lawyer now and take him to the cleaners. And when your resolve starts to wane, just imagine the look on Helen’s face when she realises you are walking away with a significant chunk of “her” inheritance in the divorce settlement