Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

So I can think of several explanations .

1. John had phoned her before and told her it was an all act.

1. She is mentally unwell and can’t hear information that doesn’t fit in her worldview.

1. She doesn't want to fall out with him as he has money.

Same advice, step away from the crazy!

You are right @RandomMess. I know this.

You have all been right all along.

I thought this was real and I could fix it just a tiny little bit. But now I see it’s all an act.

She needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge. I'd be exiting stage left from that shitshow

She is harmful to your health and happiness. Have as little to do with her as possible.

Same goes for your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex) husband really.

Let John be distracted with it all and trying to play games with you. Keep up with the pretence superficially whilst getting your ducks in a row to divorce.

@ROSEMARY -

And yes she did indeed threaten to self harm yesterday

This, right here, is why no contact ever again is a good idea. At least for you. And under the clear understanding by your children that, if they do decide to be in touch, they have to remember most of what she says and does is batshit crazy. This is a major sign of PD. Which she appears to have inherited from her dad. I hope you can get out soon. Take care.

YY @WannabemoreWeaver. I think she has a PD and a mood disorder. And yes she does have a psychiatrist.

Katy told us tonight that Helen’s mental health has never been so good

Yup that’s the same Helen who is going to self harm RIGHT NOW if she doesn't get her own way.

Fuck that crazy bitch and step away. And FFS, protect your children from her! While she is your kids' half-sister, please do not expose them to this toxic, bullying cuntywanker. You cannot blame all of it on her father. She needs to own her nasty behaviour and if she self-harms then she is only hurting herself. I have zero tolerance for such drama-llama antics and emotional blackmail.

FWIW I don’t think the self harm is real. However she does need some kind of medical help.

Oh dear.

I think your prospective reasons 1, 2 AND 3 are all the case, to be honest. I also think that she was forewarned and therefore forearmed, and it was all a fucking show.

And now I think you need to be done with her, and to protect your children from the effects of her mental instability too.

for you - I'm glad you've come to the realisation that this is not fixable, because it isn't - not by you, anyway.

@R0SEMARY

Tonight We had a zoom call with Helen and Katy. During it John told her about some of the lies he has told her about me going back 20 years.

It was exactly as you all predicted.

She didn’t cry. She barely batted an eyelid or stumbled in her carefully prepared speech.

She stopped John talking after a couple of sentences and said she didn’t want to hear it. She said to me that John had never said anything bad to her about me . ( Which is odd as he had a two page list of things right in front of him ).

Apparently the reason she hates me is because of all the bad things I have said and done to her over the years. Unfortunately she can’t remember what they are and ( simultaneously) that she does remember but is unwilling to tell me.

But the important thing is that I know it’s all my fault and she holds me responsible.

Some of the time she told me I was 50% to blame. Except for the rest of the time when I was 100% to blame. And it was very unfair of John to take the blame because it was clearly my fault.

And yes she did indeed threaten to self harm yesterday . But no it wasn’t about the wedding guests list, it was about all the mean things I have done to her for years.

So although yesterday it was Johns fault because he wouldn't force the teens to go the the wedding, today it was my fault.

I think that about covers it

Next time she threatens to self harm, call the Police and ask for an urgent welfare check. If she is manipulating you, she will get the shock of her life, and if she has self harmed the Police may be able to section her to get the help she needs.

Also your still fixated on Helen when it was your shithead husband that treat both of you badly.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Also your still fixated on Helen when it was your shithead husband that treat both of you badly.

I agree...

John has managed to Lie.. Manipulate .. Deceive...

yet once again He escapes criticism unscathed..

I think Helen despite being a PITA .. is as much a hysterical victim as you and your kids OP ...

Boot his ARSE out 🌺

What was John’s take on it all.

And I guess her ‘mental health has never been so good’ is because it’s temporarily found an outlet. You are currently to blame for everything so she is able to offload it into you in her head for a while, she can kid herself that by cutting you out everything is going to be ok. But as you withdraw and refuse to feed any more drama she’s going to find that it’s all still there.

What do you think she thought the zoom call was all about, did she think you were begging to be let back in?

I think Sakura’s suggestion to call 101 to report Helen is threatening to self harm is good. But if you are going to do it, I would do it now otherwise you’re potentially waiting for it to happen. She’s threatened twice already and is under a psychiatrist so this would be the justification. If you don’t and know who her psychiatrist is, I would definitely contact them to let them know what is going on.

Then, and importantly, it is time to put Helen behind you. While you’re thinking about her and getting involved in her business and wedding, you’re helping to perpetuate the drama. However antagonistic, they can only have an argument with you if you retaliate.

Save your strength for your separation and divorce.

She doesn't want to believe the truth. She has a narrative, you are the baddy, she is a victim blah blah blah.

Detach, and plan your divorce. Xx

From this day forward I would never speak to Helen again, there’s nothing more to ever say. Move forward with divorcing your husband and leave them to their bizarre, imagined drama filled lives.
Helen will see when you are out of the picture that it was never you messing up the relationship with her dad, he just doesn’t particularly like her and doesn’t have time for her.
Sad all round but get out of there, and I wouldn’t be further encouraging a relationship between your kids and Helen either, it won’t do you or them any favours.

Wow the apple didn't fall far from the tree did it. John taught her well hasn't he.

Helen girlfriend is so far in the 'FOG' she can't see the threats of self harm is a way to abuse her and everyone around her.

I agree the next time she threatens to self harm the phone the police for a welfare check, and then perhaps she will think twice about making them.

You have had your chat, you now where she stands, now step away and leave them all to it.

Spend your time and energy on yours and your DC health and wellbeing and getting away from John and Helen and new less stressful life.

Imagine how wonderful your life will be when you are free of these awful people OP!

I'm so sorry you had to go through that last night op.

You are dealing with two very toxic and probably narcissistic people in John and Helen, so you will never get them to admit any wrong doing. They will believe their own narrative, which will fit with how they want their world to be. At this point I'd draw a line under everything. Block Helen and start to get your ducks in row with regards to John. The only people you need to concern yourself with is you and your dc.

What did John say to all that? After all, this is all his doing.

From reading your posts my first thought was the park of them have some form of autism.

Bossy controlling, don’t like to be told no, H unable to link events (huge amounts of cash v on guest as the wedding) bossy, verbal abuse ... I’d stayed away personally!

John phoned her beforehand to tell her you made him do that call. It was a setup.

Doesn't matter though, not your problem anymore.

I don't know how you've held it together for so long, OP. The triangulation, lying, control freakery, projection is so familiar: All that crap screws with your head. It's a mess and i wouldn't trust your DH or Helen because they've been like this for such a long time. Good luck, OP, bail out of this and avoid it, it's not worth the responsibility and inevitable blame.