Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

@OverweightPidgeon

I think this is pretty identifying even with some details left out, so be careful the DM doesn’t get hold of it.

For as long as a thread is on here any journalists can use it - it's the pitfall of a public forum and it's important people remember that.

Sorry you're having all this to deal with OP, John really does sound like an insufferable cunt.

You are right to leave her in her narcissistic morasse of egotistical delirium.
& now your H can go the wedding alone & lie through his teeth about why none of his DC have come, & that he is being divorced...
Of course you will once again be made out to be the bad person here.
Please make sure you get every cent off him. He gas already been giving large handouts to his nightmare daughter..so no holds barred.
Find yourself a bulldog SHL, Good Luck

@OverweightPidgeon

I think this is pretty identifying even with some details left out, so be careful the DM doesn’t get hold of it.

I know that any of the people involved will recognise the situation . But that’s just our family and I assume some of K and Hs close friends. My kids are ( surprisingly enough ) not on MN and I’d be amazed if child free Helen and Kate are.

And even if they are, I don’t care. Everything I’ve written is true ( with some details changed of course ). It’s not like they will see what you vipers have written and change their minds.

But the main thing is that no one who works with me / John / Kate / Helen or knows us / them socially would recognise it. I’ve not even said what country they live in - it’s not the same as ours.

We could be a Roman Catholic family in Ireland , Muslims in Berlin or Hindus in Athens . I don’t think many of our community read the UK based Daily Fail .

There will be tens of thousands of weddings taking place later this year once Covid restrictions are ( hopefully ) lifted. Thousands will be same sex . It could be any of them.

Well yes, but only one of them will be a controlling moron with a twat for a dad lol

Ha! Helen probably thought she was more important to your children that you are!
Justice has been served here. People like her will blame everyone but herself so no point in trying to reason with her.

Blow ups like this are upsetting at the time but hooray for not actually having to go to the wedding - and for playing the long game in getting out of your marriage. Onwards and upwards!

My thinking on this is that given the 20year narrative, it wouldn’t matter if @R0SEMARY rocked up with The Truth™️, The Marching Band of Authenticity™️, Mother Theresa and The Pope to vouch for her, Helen CANNOT believe the real version of events because her entire life will unravel

This is very helpful ( as well as making me laugh ) . It helps me be realistic about the chances of us having a full and frank conversation then all holding hands and skipping off happily into the sunset.

That’s nothing to do with @R0SEMARY now, there’s nothing she can do because the damage has been done

Yes I agree.

However as I’m divorcing John, the main damage she has done is to her long term relationship with her siblings. My kids are all like “ wow, crazy person alert, let’s give this a body swerve and get back to the PS4”. They all hate drama and Helen has brought a great deal of it into our lives before 🙁

She was already on her 10th chance with them.

So H needs to keep telling Helen that the kids won’t be coming to the wedding because they don’t want to, because of Helen’s treatment of their mother and now them. Kate and Helen can try all the fake manipulation techniques in the world but it’s not going to change

@R0SEMARY* are they using the self harm threats with your dc? If so, that’s an immediate block and remove all contact

No she’s not had the opportunity. After she did it by phone, email and text with her father, she told him she was going to contact all the kids. But we got to them first and warned them.

Oldest chose to speak to her, tried to tell her the facts and got a load of lies and accusations in return . They were really scared by the threats and told their younger siblings, who decided to block. She managed to get through on What’s app but they are ignoring her.

Oldest is legally an adult but is the most vulnerable and easiest to bully. Helen knows this of course.

@happytoday73

I'd keep with this same simple mantra:

You have the right to choose who attends your wedding. You are choosing not to invite me based on untruths and misinformation.... But I accept your wedding, your choice.... And hope you have a lovely day and long, happy marriage.

However a wedding invite is not a summons.. Everyone invited has the choice whether to attend. Your siblings have decided...

I agree with this. Thereafter, detach detach detach. Your focus in your DC and yourself. Your arsehole H can deal with the fall-out that he has orchestrated. His betrayal was calculated and long-term. No going back from that.

What do your DC think of their father?

More for you OP. What a horrible situation - you behave with such humility and it's clear who your DC are following .

@R0SEMARY - you are absolutely right about Helen's likely response if you were to send her a link to the thread. She would think you were just lying more, and the only posters she would probably pay attention to are the ones who have told you that YOU are partly the problem (about 1% of the posts).
Utterly pointless.

You can't fight a narc with fire - grey rock IS the only way to go with them. They will win in every other way. Yes, she's a bully and so is her father, but they CANNOT see that and WILL NOT see that because they are too firm in their belief of their own superiority. NOTHING is every their fault, and even when it incontrovertibly is, they'll still find a way to blame someone else for it.

She has't "won" anyway - she's not managed to bully the OP's children into going to the wedding, and she's destroyed her last chance with them, so she's lost. Whether or not she'll see it that way in the end is debatable - she'll re-write it in her head that her siblings are all too like the OP and she was going to cut them off anyway, so they've saved her a job. And that will become the "official narrative".

Oh gosh, very sorry to read this. As the children are almost adults now I would leave the husband. I would email or post a letter to Helen to tell her the truth

They were really scared by the threats

What did she threaten? Does she have any hold over them really?

Helen sounds like a bloody nightmare-I feel for you!

How much happier and chilled your life will be without this shit show in it!!!

I think you're right not to give Helen any further insight, either by sharing this thread or by trying to talk to her. She's very damaged, possibly because of how she was brought up or possibly just inherently unable to properly mature emotionally for some reason. She's not going to suddenly become a reasonable, realistic, empathetic person just because you point out that her Dad is an arsehole. She doesn't have adequate self-awareness to improve herself and she will likely ramp up the abusiveness towards anyone who engages her in any way that doesn't fulfil her demands.

She's not your genetic relative and she is an adult who is responsible for herself. You did the best that you could for her when she was a child. You didn't cause her problems, you can't fix her problems, you have no responsibility towards her. In a relatively short while you won't have any contact with her at all except to support your children if they have contact with her. No doubt both Helen and John will blame you for everything that's wrong in their lives until they die, but you won't hear about it (because no contact) and, even if you do, you won't care because they both need someone to blame for their own failings and you know that it's just their self-centredness speaking.

It doesn't sound as if your DC have anything to gain from a relationship with Helen. In fact, quite the opposite. Going forward, you don't have to facilitate it- that's their father's job,

You and the D.C. can just concentrate on managing your relationships with your soon to be ex. That's what you need to focus on.

You need some phrases you can use when they ask you questions. Things that don't sound like you are being horrible about their dad, but are also truthful. Things like 'Your dad wasn't very good at managing relationships', 'Your dad didn't tell me the truth about some really important things', 'Your Dad wasn't a very reliable husband'. 'I tried really hard to keep things kind because that's what's best for you guys'.

They'll work out what they need to know at the point they are able to understand it.

I understand you need a place to vent but tbh it sounds like you're very sensible, understand the situation and you're handling it really well. I think you and your kids will be fine and John, Helen and Katy are making the future beds they'll need to lay in 💐

I'd agree. Bridezilla isn't a troubled teen any more. She's an adult responsible for her own revolting behaviour and needs to be treated as such & not pandererd to. Probably long overdue in being told to go fuck herself really.

Is DH aware that you are planning to divorce him? That is my only concern in either him or Helen seeing the thread - if he has warning he will know to start hiding money.

You're kids sound very sensible! Stay strong & resilient.

Helen sounds unhinged & manipulative. Her fiancé sounds like an enabler

Tonight’s news is that we’ve had another ( more rational and less abusive ) email from Helen. In it she explains that this all goes back to an incident years ago When John allegedly met her outside her home and said that I didn’t want her to come to our home or see our children.

I am gobsmacked as of course I never said that and I have no knowledge of any such meeting. So either Helen is making this all up or John lied to her. My money is on the latter.

However I can’t undertand why she has never mentioned this to me in the last decade since it happened. Why why why? So many whys .

I really don’t know what to say. Just when I thought I couldn’t be shocked any more, here I am. Yet another great big worm that’s crawled out the can.

Wow shes really blown it with her siblings hasnt she-telling them youre a lying maniuplative cow

oh ok then helen we'll come to your wedding now youve slagged our mother off

shes sounds unhinged and so does her partner- a pp is right it doesnt matter if you swore in court it was the truth she wouldnt believe it

cross posted-i wouldnt be surprised if its either of those-she could be making it up or it could be john as hes been lying for years to her about you

unless he tells her truth she wont change and even then youre better off out of it

I think the key point here is that neither of them are reliable sources. One will lie and the other will manipulate with threats of self harm. Both are toxic in their own ways.

I wouldn't even bother trying to unpick this knot. Waste of time and will really get you nowhere.

Personally I find her threats/abuse to my kids unforgivable, regardless of perceived motivation.

Why why why? So many whys

Like all abusers there is no reason so there's no point in trying to work out WTF it's all about (although it's very hard just to shrug any of it off).

Concentrate on your own plans and your children, let John and Helen work each other up into a stupor.

This doesn’t make any sense. If it stems back to a time where she allegedly wasn’t allowed in why was she happy to accept your help with wedding planning ? Surely she would have had nothing to do with you from that point on ?

I’m not buying her story at all

Well it's all coming to a head now isn't it. Weddings are all catalysts for all kinds of shit.

@Star81

This doesn’t make any sense. If it stems back to a time where she allegedly wasn’t allowed in why was she happy to accept your help with wedding planning ? Surely she would have had nothing to do with you from that point on ?

I’m not buying her story at all

That’s an excellent point. I’m guessing either

John told her more lies, especially over the last year or so

And / or

Katy has wound her up about it “ you don’t have to put up with this, but her out ” etc .

I have a feeling ( with very little hard proof ) that she’s controlling and is trying to alienate Helen from her family (even the limited contact she has ) .