Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

Hoping today is calm for you 💐

It's clear she neither knows you are on Mumsnet (she's not a mum, why would she even know about this site, or care about a site for mums?) nor has even had the time or even thought to look. You really, really need to send her a link to this thread. It's now involving your children, and if the truth gets her off your childrens' back, then that's what you need to do.

Sending a link is very rarely the right thing to do

And certainly not this time either

OP hope you and DC can keep your spirits up and are able to rid yourselves of this ghastly situation asap.

Helens dad is dealing with this - and fairly well actually by the sounds of it

The kids have her blocked. That should be enough for now.

Ironically the only way this situation has even the slightest chance of being satisfactorily resolved is if John fesses up to ALL the lying, the homophobic crap as all his and that @R0SEMARY has only ever been supportive of Helen etc etc

I’m not sure even then it would work as it wouldn’t support the narrative she’s created to try to control everything and everyone

@R0SEMARY being a bitch from hell is the only truth Helen is invested in.

It’ll be interesting to see how John navigates this, and how the separation/divorce subjects progress.

How are you feeling about this all @R0SEMARY?

@MzHz

Sending a link is very rarely the right thing to do

And certainly not this time either

Yes, it very rarely is the right thing, but in this case, I feel it's NECESSARY. The OP cannot get out her truth any other way. She needs the truth be known, and now it is having adverse blowback on her children, now more than ever is it necessary. It is very important Helen sees this thread. And she won't see it any other way, because this site would not be of any interest to her and she clearly wouldn't be reading it. The last kick of proves that.

@MzHz

Helens dad is dealing with this - and fairly well actually by the sounds of it

The kids have her blocked. That should be enough for now.

Lol Really? The same dad that lied to both her and OP for decades and gaslighted each of them?

I wouldn't trust him to tell today's date without lying.

@MzHz

Ironically the only way this situation has even the slightest chance of being satisfactorily resolved is if John fesses up to ALL the lying, the homophobic crap as all his and that **@R0SEMARY** has only ever been supportive of Helen etc etc

I’m not sure even then it would work as it wouldn’t support the narrative she’s created to try to control everything and everyone

@R0SEMARY being a bitch from hell is the only truth Helen is invested in.

It’ll be interesting to see how John navigates this, and how the separation/divorce subjects progress.

How are you feeling about this all @R0SEMARY?

Which is exactly WHY Helen seeing this thread has now become absolutely necessary.

Don't send her a link to this thread. Bad idea and could ramp up the drama. Helen is in no place to listen right now if she's threatening self harm. It's gone way beyond Helen thinking badly of the OP.

Best thing to do is what the OP is doing and just focus on her own life and the welfare of her kids. She doesn't need to interact with Helen again from this point onwards and her kids have made their decision. Draw a line and move forward. Let the Dad clear up the mess he's made.

@Topseeturveel

Don't send her a link to this thread. Bad idea and could ramp up the drama. Helen is in no place to listen right now if she's threatening self harm. It's gone way beyond Helen thinking badly of the OP.

Best thing to do is what the OP is doing and just focus on her own life and the welfare of her kids. She doesn't need to interact with Helen again from this point onwards and her kids have made their decision. Draw a line and move forward. Let the Dad clear up the mess he's made.

She is clearly saying that to manipulate. You honestly think a woman in love and about to be married will self-harm if some nephews don't attend her wedding?

What you are suggesting is that the OP give up ever getting the truth out. Just.....draw a line under it, and ALLOW Helen to treat her like shit because OP's husband has gaslighted them both, played them both off each other and manipulated each other. So what happens is OP is forever painted as a Homophobe, when she is far from it. Your way is to cave in to the bullies and let the OP be forever the villain and homophobe, treated like shit, and her own children told lies about there mother. Just let the bully who conveniently threatens self-harm to get her way, win.

It is people like yourself who allow bullies to flourish, because you force OP to remain seen as the victim with no tools to defend herself. No. Absolutely no. Fuck that for a game of bastard soldiers. Helen needs to know the truth. In fact, she deserves to know the truth, and the OP deserves to have her NAME CLEARED.

Nope don't agree.

There is no winning here. That's a delusion.

Of course Helen is being manipulative, that's a given. Which shows her focus isn't on a rational approach but on getting what she wants by any means necessary. She's probably not remotely interested in truth right now.

Bullies only flourish if you don't have strong boundaries. If you refuse to engage you take away their power.

Getting the 'truth out there' is not more important than dialing down the drama. The OP has more important things to focus on right now, her kids and getting divorced.

So we will have to agree to disagree.

So sorry op for what you're going through. You sound so together and strong..and deserve to be free of this toxic family and be happy with your kids. I doubt Helen's marriage will work out as they both sound mentally challenged and spoilt nasty individuals! What a farce. For your own mental health and sanity be free from your cold lying husband and this dreadful family.

Sometimes drama cannot be avoided. Sometimes the truth needs to come out in order to stop the drama. Bullies flourish because they destroy their victim, leave them defenceless, their reputation destroyed, and without an outlook for the victim to reclaim their standing and their truth. The need for people on this site to avoid 'drama' to keep the peace for a bully that is wreaking havoc and advocating the victim never has the ability to restore their reputation really makes my teeth itch. There can be no peace until the WRONGS HAVE BEEN RIGHTED. That is where you are wrong. This is affecting her own children now. Cowardice and keeping quiet to stop drama (which will NEVER stop anyway on Helen's side) never works. All it does is buoy the bully. And that's what you're advocating.

Agree to disagree, but this site with it's 'the victim must keep silent, must never get the chance to clear their name' really is anti-female and is so detrimental and makes my teeth itch. If it were you, I am sure you would want to have your name cleared and your children no longer harassed.

Could you record him on your phone when he admits lying about you to Helen and others for 20 years?

I won’t send Helen a link to this thread, I know that people suggesting it mean well but I don’t think it’s the right thing to do.

I doubt she will read it and think “ Gosh I’ve been wrong about Rosemary all along “ . She will think

“ Here’s another example of this lying manipulative bitch trying to get everyone on her side . She’s only told a tiny part of the story and MNers would agree with me if they knew everything. She’s not even mentioned all the bad things that have happened to me in my life which means that I’ m entitled to do X and Y and have z “.

And of course it’s true that I’ve only told a tiny part - I’m not pretending this is everything that’s happened in 20 years . And naturally I can only see it from my perspective.

And there’s some key things that I’ve had to leave out because they are extremely identifying and if this ended up in the Fucking Daily Mail ( you are the scum of the earth BTW) then I don’t want anyone else to know who they are.

Lots of same sex couples are getting married this year somewhere in Europe - Helen and Katy could be any of them.

However this is really a story about years of lies and betrayal from a man who I thought loved me. And that’s what hurts the most.

Helen never liked me and now she hates me - meh.

I know it’s been overtaken by Helen and her drama in the last few days. But I don’t think for one minute that she will self harm - I think it’s narcissistic rage and will pass.

The wedding is simply a small party taking place hundreds of miles away from us in another country. The kids and I will have a lovely holiday elsewhere that week and none of us will a barely give Helen and Katy a second thought.

But what John has done has finally destroyed our marriage .

The hateful and cruel things that Helen has said and written to her dad won’t be forgotten. And Katy has shown her true colours in the appalling way she has behaved.

All three teens have seen clearly what Helen thinks of them - they are actors in the Helen and Katy show - not real people who have feelings and views of their own. She simply wants to use them.

Of course Helen hasn’t changed , she’s always been like this. But I’ve been able to protect the kids from her worst excesses as they were younger. Now they are older teens and she contacts then direct on SM , they have found out for themselves. This is what happens when you say No to a narc.

And of course they have more insight into her manipulations as they are older she have more life experience . They are now all scared of her threats and drama and appalled at what she has said and done - they think she’s toxic.

Helen has insulted their mum and dad ( helpfully in writing ) AND has said they are all liars who have no right to an opinion or choices and should do as she tells them.

Any of you who are mums of teenagers can imagine how well that has gone down.

Very sensible way forward OP.

Are they now blocked on everything in terms of communicating with you and the kids? Does their dad know and accept they don't want to be in touch with them?

Look at it this way, won't you be glad to have this craziness out of your life!?

You are so well out of it! Life will improve immeasurably once you divorce.

Take very good care of yourself

She sounds like a complete nightmare nobody would want in their life and he sounds like, well... A bit of a twat really.

I think this is pretty identifying even with some details left out, so be careful the DM doesn’t get hold of it.

@Cokie3 I completely understand why you say show the thread, why you even suggest that the idea of H handling this situation well atm is odd.

My thinking on this is that given the 20year narrative, it wouldn’t matter if @R0SEMARY rocked up with The Truth™️, The Marching Band of Authenticity™️, Mother Theresa and The Pope to vouch for her, Helen CANNOT believe the real version of events because her entire life will unravel.

That’s nothing to do with @R0SEMARY now, there’s nothing she can do because the damage has been done.

So H needs to keep telling Helen that the kids won’t be coming to the wedding because they don’t want to, because of Helen’s treatment of their mother and now them. Kate and Helen can try all the fake manipulation techniques in the world but it’s not going to change.

@R0SEMARY are they using the self harm threats with your dc? If so, that’s an immediate block and remove all contact.

Sounds like Helen and Kate deserve each other

Sounds like John too deserves Helen and his new DIL to be, Kate.

I sincerely hope you do leave him to it, and leave them all behind

OP your last post sounds totally sensible to me. I disagree completely with all those suggesting that standing up to bullies means proving them wrong and doing them down. No it doesn't. Not letting them affect your life is the best way, and in your case, sounds relatively easy given what's just happened and the fact Helen lives far away from you.

In ant case,she doesn't sound like someone who could be convicted if anything nor someone who would be content for you to have the last word. You can remove any so-called power she may have, by doing nothing.

'Convinced of' not 'convicted if'!

@Onelifeonly

'Convinced of' not 'convicted if'!

May end up both the way Helen is behaving lol

I'd keep with this same simple mantra:

You have the right to choose who attends your wedding. You are choosing not to invite me based on untruths and misinformation.... But I accept your wedding, your choice.... And hope you have a lovely day and long, happy marriage.

However a wedding invite is not a summons.. Everyone invited has the choice whether to attend. Your siblings have decided...