Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

Is the company 50-50 owned by you and John or does he own 100% and you're an employee?

In his opinion, anything that achieves his objectives is legitimate.

The term is used too often on here IMO but this is a core attribute of a narcissist.

That means this can't get better. Stop enabling your children to live in a home with a nasty, homophobic, compulsive lying narcissist.

It's doing untold damage to them especially the one you say is likely gay / bi. They will be thinking you in some way endorse his views, or at best don't find them abhorrent enough to have left.

Staying isn't doing your children any good, only harm.

@R0SEMARY

I want to thank you all so much for your posts. I’ve had several long conversations with John today and I’ve managed to remain calm and clear about what I want. That’s a major achievement for me and it’s all due to you allowing me to vert here and giving me emotional support and practical advice.

To be clear, this is no longer about the wedding for me. It’s about us separating and divorcing.

I'm pleased for you and wish you well in your future without him

Please though make sure he doesn't do you over financially. His type don't go quietly.

Get thee to a solicitor firsrt thing Monday morning. I do hope he has not been forewarned that you are divorcing him, as he may be busy moving money etc. to deprive you of what is rightfully yours. Do it OP, and have a good life with your teenagers.

@HyacynthBucket thank you, I am going to progress things legally as soon as it’s appropriate. This isn’t because I’m passive, far from it. But I really don’t want to go into legal or financial issues here.

John knows that I’m a regular MN and probably Helen does to. If they have come searching them they will easily have found this thread.

Though at least they’ve had the intelligence not to post , it’s always so obvious when someone does that .

I’d have thought John was far too self-obsessed to come looking on here. If Helen does, she might find out stuff that surprises her.

If Helen uses MN herself, then I think she'd definitely be drawn to 'Uninvited to Wedding' title!
So perhaps she'll learn a few home truths.
You sound like you know what you're doing OP, I have every faith that you will sort this out, and in a timescale that works best. But bearing in mind that Helen might read all this, and even share it with her father, you are right to be keeping some issues out of this thread!

He sounds sociopathic. What a despicable man.

He is playing people and gaslighting his despicable way through life.

I just don't understand what motivated this man to throw you under the bus like this?

I also firmly believe that you need to tell your children everything. I fear that the lies and manipulation will start with them.

Oh dear, things are not going well here.

Today John sent Helen a polite message saying that the teens understood she was under pressure on numbers due to the Covid rules and so they were happy to give up their places for her friends. He messaged as we knew she would be annoyed and didn’t want a shouting match down the phone.

We then made a coffee, leaving the phone in the living room. In the time it took to make it we had four missed called from Helen and two from her girlfriend Katy. Plus by a text message from Katy saying

“ Pick up your phone John, Helen is hysterical and she is going to self harm, it’s dangerous and it will be your fault”.

So DH messaged back saying that once Helen was calm they could talk on the phone, which they did shortly after.

Helen was not calm. She was hysterical, screaming and shouting and saying she would self harm if Dh didn’t make the children come to the wedding. And that he has no right to give them a choice in the matter, that they didn’t give me permission to do that , that I was an evil lying cow etc.

She wouldn’t listen to anything he said and called him a liar. The charming Katy told him that he “ can and and will” make the children attend because that’s what “ her wife “ wants.

So that was a success

Helen then phoned eldest teen ( the one who is easiest to bully ) to tell them that I was a liar and manipulator who was doing this to spite them and that she never wanted to have anything to do with me again . She wouldn’t listen to teen who said that was NOT what happened, that they all had a free choice and had all chosen not to come because she [Helen ] had changed things.

She then tried to call the younger two but they had been warned by oldest so they have blocked her. She’s now contacted them on WhatsApp to tell them that their places at the wedding won’t be taken by anyone else, they will be left empty with their names on them and everyone will know.

There’s been emails to Dh saying he’s evil and manipulative and he had no right to give them a choice and his behaviour is shameful and has let her down.

So yeah, a totally rational and proportionate reaction to someone saying “no thank you “ to an invitation.

And of course a total unforeseen consequence of telling three teenagers (who are very close to their mother) that she is a hateful lying manipulative cow who isn't welcome.

Oh and that their mother has no right to allow them to make their own decisions. That always goes down well with teens.

Who could have foreseen that you can’t bully and intimidate people into wanting to attend your wedding ?

BTW I didn’t hear the phone call between Helen and John . But his amount of it is exactly the same as oldest teens account of their own call with Helen. So for once in his life he’s telling the truth.

Oh dear

so for once in his life he’s telling the truth.

It honestly blows my mind that people like Helen exist.

I hope your teens stay strong on this. It's about time someone stood up to her.

(I also hope you leave your husband soon because he's a twat that needs to be stood up to, too.)

I know. It’s a bit ironic that Helen is calling him a Liar on this occasion.

Happily unaware that he’s been lying to her systematically for 18 years but today he’s telling the truth.

She's a piece of work isn't she?

Your children have good heads on them, I hope they're ok? Awful to be on the receiving end of such abuse.

I doubt anyone will be taken in by the empty seats on the day, most people are cool enough to recognise spite when they see it.

With luck, she's doing you and your children a huge favour in the long run.

I do hope you're all OK, op

Thanks for for the flowers @TaraR2020. Yes we are all ok thanks.

One thing about the verbal abuse and threats to the children is that I totally forget about my own distress and go into Mamma Tiger mode. As you do.

Hi OP, so sorry that you married into such a vicious family. Hope things work out for you and your children

You and your kids will be well out of this. So sorry for what you are going through. The feelling of injustice when so unfairly accused is awful. But just imagine not having to tiptoe around these difficult people when you are free. Good luck OP, hoping you can get some good sleep now.

Her response is totally unhinged. The threat of self harm and the putting responsibility for any self harm that might occur on to you or her father in advance is pathetic and ridiculous manipulation. If everyone doesn't jump into line and do what Helen wants, she will hurt herself to try and make them? For gods sake.

You and your dcs are best taking some hefty steps away from this toxic situation. Surely she can't imagine that any of them will want to come now that's she's threatened them?

It sounds like you have invested an enormous amount of emotional energy over the years into trying to help Helen and build a relationship with her. But now's the time to let go of that and detach yourself. She sounds deranged (possibly a personality disorder?), but the good news is you don't have to emotionally carry her any more, now that you're divorcing her father, hooray! You can be polite but cool when you see her again at any family events in future.

I agree that you should tell your teenagers the truth. Secrets and lies are never good in the long run.

Good luck with getting legal and financial advice on the split, your much brighter future awaits you!

In one way I'm sorry it's gone down the way it has, because it would be distressing for your teens, especially the oldest who had to bear the brunt of that nonsense - but in another, it will have cemented the deal that they absolutely do not want to go or have anything to do with her ever again!

That's some level of insane entitlement she's got going on there.

Good luck to her and her soon to be wife - they're going to need it.

Helen is alienating herself from her half-siblings and I'm pleased to read they can see the truth for themselves.

You need to gather yourself and your kids into your family unit, maybe head in the other direction with them the weekend of Helen's wedding.

How their father deals with helen from now on, is up to him. Then he can sort his shit out with you. He has been a total tool and is reaping what he has sown.

Of course your DC will see their father as & when, & clearly you are very adept at managing relationships. But just imagine ending this stultifying relationship to be free of the everyday irritation & drag that is your H.
Freedom to do & be as you please.

Go for it!

Wow, what a piece of work the two of them are, trying to force teens to go to her wedding??? As if they could pretend nothing happened and enjoy the wedding. People reap what they sow.

In a way it's a good thing that Helen has reacted the way she has because it's become really clear to everyone that your children need to be protected from her. They have probably already made their own minds up but you're potentially saving them from years of emotional abuse from her. I suspect given her behaviour the marriage won't last long so it's probably going to get a lot worse in terms of drama. Your kids don't need that in their lives. Let her dad deal with it.

So ironic that Helen gets to choose but no one else gets a choice. Glad they're seeing through the hypocrisy and manipulation.