Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

It's too late to change things. I'm not sure I'd bother with writing a letter. She will eventually see her Dad for the toxic horror he is, she probably already knows but he's a cash cow, so she's never going to bite off the hand that feeds her. Easy to throw a wobbly at you. Maximum impact on her wedding day. It's laughable really. I'd not shed a single tear. You have tried way too hard.

If you don't begin the process of severing your life with your DH it will come down to his will etc when he dies and you'll have to face Helen then instead and more than likely in court.

Ideally I'd suggest that you need to get away from him now, not when he's dead.

Have you seen a solicitor. That would be my first port of call. I proper chat with a proper divorce solicitor to understand exactly where you stand and how much you could expect to be entitled to.

You would get half the house as you have paid the mortgage and as you have worked in the business it may well be that the business is half yours too.

You may be much better off financially than you realise.

For me, this would be the absolute last straw. I could not have put up with multiple affairs or a very difficult rude step-daughter. Sorry but you sound like a bit of a doormat, eager to please everyone else but yourself. Who taught you that? That other people's happiness are worth more than yours?

Grow a pair and go out and live a different life, you'll be so so so much happier and wonder why you didn't do this years ago.

Wishing you the very best of luck. Get divorced. Get free. Be happy.

OP, please leave this fucked up, abusive man and his equally messed up daughter. Get away from them. Take some good advice regarding finances and in the MN cliche, get your ducks in a row.

OP, you do not deserve all of this crap. You say you are not a lovely person. Well, I imagine you’ve had it drummed into you that you aren’t but I would much rather spend time with you than you husband or step daughter.

Please get a line drawn in the sand with this man and build a happy life for you and your DC. You ARE worth it.

Oh and don’t bother with the letter or email to the step daughter. Just walk away and remember the best revenge is a life well-lived.

This is such a tough situation OP. Lots of good advice from PP, definitely agree with speaking to her to explain, and I hope you can leave your H as soon as you're ready.

Op do not send anyone in real life a link to this thread! Whatever you decide to do or not do at the moment Mumsnet is a safe space for you. Don't change that.

Mumsnet is a public forum that anybody can read, the daily mail and other papers use it as a source for stories. It is not a safe space for anybody

@Magicalsundays

You need to tell her. But in your case I think I would be devious and underhand - if you don’t think she will believe you. I’d record the conversation between you and him on my phone and then email it to her.

I’d start off ‘John I’m really concerned by what you said last night about me and Helen. Do you really mean that you’ve been sabotaging my relationship with Helen all these years because you have been dripping poison and lying to her all these years about me. I have loved and supported her and her relationship with her girlfriend all these years and defended her ....’ I record him being awful and backing up your version of events and then I’d email it to her. It will implode but I think Helen needs to know the truth.

Please don't do this. It's actually illegal to record someone without their knowledge and make the recording available to a third party.

It's tempting, I know, but you don't want to risk ending up in court because he is a tw*t.

"My kids are older teens."

So give them some credit and be honest with them and then demonstrate what a marriage and family should look like.

What a horrid situation OP.

This situation with Helen is a reflection of the awful marriage you have endured for years. For your sake, sack off everything but you and your kids and get out. Kids will be fine regardless of exams etc. Being in a house with a POS like your DH is worse for them than where they are I'm their schooling life.

Sorry I have nothing else to offer support-wise. Good luck!

A someone who has been stabbed in the back metaphorically speaking for no reason at all by a close family member, you have my total sympathy OP. You cannot do better than the advice of bombastical early on in the thread. Divorce this nasty piece of work, cut your losses, and believe that most people are decent and kind and would not be so dishonest and twisted as to do this to anyone. Rebuild your trust, you sound a nice person and don't deserve this utter crap. And no explanations or discussions, just send Helen this AIBU thread, and leave it at that.

No, you are definitely lovely.

And deserve much better.

The sooner you divorce him the more your need to provide a home for your teens will be considered. If you wait until they are all technically adults at 18 it's much harder to argue that you need a 3/4 bedroom house to accommodate them.

Crack on!

As your married doN't think it totally matters if he has things in his name
I would quietly seek advice from a solicitor about what you may be entitled to at the very least .

Get out and leave them all behind you. I did, and my dd sees her half siblings as and when she chooses. No matter what happens, your relationship with Helen is over. She chose to believe whatever she was hearing, she chose to use you for wedding prep, and she chose to discard you when it suited her. Neither her nor her Dad have your back, and that's all you need to know. So protect your and your dc's futures by acting now.

The two things you really need to do are:
Get a SHL - shit hot lawyer (not always the most expensive) and one you can get on with. And get advice on how to proceed and what you are entitled to.
Second get an outside job. You have years of experience which is of value. Both small employers and Civil Service could highly value you (a lot of big employers would too if you can sell yourself).

Good luck

Oh and as to your DC they are old enough to decide as and when they see their father. They can organise it themselves, and may not be too bothered.

And the hypocrisy of not accepting his daughter's sexuality because it conflicts with his religion, but at the same time being a vindictive, spiteful, lying adulterer - I don't know what faith he ascribes to, but I don't know any that condones this sort of appalling behaviour

One that has different standards for men and women 🥺

And he’s says he’s not an adulterer, because I can’t prove that he had sex with AP, just that they spent nights together in a hotel over 18 months.

His idea of proof is different from other peoples.

I’ve just talked to him again BTW about Helen. He says he’s been lying to Her for our whole marriage, that’s 2o years. I assumed it was just the last 8 ish years when it’s been bad.

I feel like everything I knew about our family life for the last 20 years is a lie. Sorry if that’s being melodramatic.

His idea of proof is different from other peoples.

Proof? Or honesty, integrity, ethics.

@R0SEMARY

And the hypocrisy of not accepting his daughter's sexuality because it conflicts with his religion, but at the same time being a vindictive, spiteful, lying adulterer - I don't know what faith he ascribes to, but I don't know any that condones this sort of appalling behaviour

One that has different standards for men and women 🥺

And he’s says he’s not an adulterer, because I can’t prove that he had sex with AP, just that they spent nights together in a hotel over 18 months.

His idea of proof is different from other peoples.

I’ve just talked to him again BTW about Helen. He says he’s been lying to Her for our whole marriage, that’s 2o years. I assumed it was just the last 8 ish years when it’s been bad.

I feel like everything I knew about our family life for the last 20 years is a lie. Sorry if that’s being melodramatic.

Has he even bothered to attempt to explain why he's done it?

He sounds like a complete sociopath.

I feel like everything I knew about our family life for the last 20 years is a lie. Sorry if that’s being melodramatic.

I'm sorry OP. Unfortunately I think that's a consequence of staying with a sociopath. If you're honest it family life was already a lie, it's just that the lies have escalated.

You have long accepted him betraying you sexually, but if he betrays you and his DD emotionally too - that is where you set your red line.

It's good to have a red line. You really need one. Enough is enough.

He sounds like a complete sociopath

Xpost - snap.

OMG Im shocked nevermind you!

Your husband is incredibly nasty and cowardly.

It's abuse by proxy. Your husband was too cowardly to say these things to your daughter himself. He wanted to hurt her and so he used you as a buffer.

You do realise he's done the exact same thing to other people? His ex-wife, if she's still speaking to him, will have heard any the abuse and hate from him as though he was repeating your words. Probably your children have experienced it, too. They certainly will in the future.

I would think back to any comments he's claimed other people have made about you, too. You can safely disregard every word he's ever said, I should think - and that includes anything he claims is from Helen.

Oh, and really: get rid. Any way you can.

The wedding is a red herring really.
Your main issue is staying with this awful person.
Get out now.

You do realise he's done the exact same thing to other people? His ex-wife, if she's still speaking to him, will have heard any the abuse and hate from him as though he was repeating your words. Probably your children have experienced it, too. They certainly will in the future

AFAIK he and his ex haven’t spoken one word in more than 5 years. But what do I know ? He could he shagging her twice a week for all I know.

I would think back to any comments he's claimed other people have made about you, too. You can safely disregard every word he's ever said, I should think - and that includes anything he claims is from Helen

We work together, his family feels like mine after two decades. Now I have to think that everything he has every told me about everything for 20 years could be a lie??? My whole world view could be wrong ?

< head explodes >