Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

Avoid the drama, grey rock both of them. Have your final say with Helen if you must, but I actually think it is pointless. You are better on moving forward, doing what you need to do to start afresh, and ignore the background noise (because there WILL be noise). You can't be involved in the drama if you refuse to have dialogue. Easier said than done, I know. But you will find it strangely liberating.

Send her the link to this thread and tell her you wrote it.

You don't need a relationship with Helen. That relationship is poisoned, will only bring you drama and, quite frankly, is not worth the effort you would need to put in, especially right now when he will be turning to your own children and putting them under the same kind of pressure to blame or hate you. He has form for this with Helen, after all. The efforts you were putting into Helen will be more effective on your own children anyway: you are the one there for them, while he works away and is a git

The "truth" will do Helen no good, and will hurt your own interests as he will see any attempt to reconcile with her as an attack on him. Let him think he's got away with it, and give yourself the space for your own manoeuvres. He is a dirty fighter, and it's best not to antagonise such. Meanwhile, by not engaging with Helen, she may (finally) leave you alone. It sounds as though she could do you more harm, and you have enough on your plate with what your H is doing to you.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly )

He's not struggling with her sexuality, he's struggling with being a decent human being. I'd show Helen exactly what you have written here if you thnk she can handle it and then end your relationship with this unpleasant man.

Don't send anyone anything at all until you are out, got your stuff, copied the financial records, and engaged your solicitor...then send them whatever you like, if you wish, but through your solicitor.

One thing as well is you say he's had a very Conservative religious upbringing. He's certainly a great example of that eh. Shagging women on the side, giving them money then gaslighting his wife but disagrees with his daughters sexuality......fucking hell!!!

He's a prize bastard. You keep saying you've accommodated and facilitated relationships etc. Unfortunately your example hasn't been great for your kids, get out now.

I can't however have any sympathy for Helen. Helen has behaved awfully. Being violent towards you when you were pregnant is quite frankly unforgivable and I don't give a fuck how hard she found life, that does not give you a free pass to be intolerable.

As for her earmarking her inheritance and telling you what music you've to have at your funeral then I'd laugh in her face. She's a woman with a very large chip on her shoulder and going by your husbands nature then the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You are not totally blameless in all of this, in being passive you've really made a rod for you're own back. I'm not for one minute saying you deserve such treatment but you have prolonged it for staying far longer than you should have.

Good luck for the future OP

Leave him. Fuck him over, why not? He's hardly going to make this easy. Start the divorce straight away, write a letter to Helen about all the shit lies that she's has been fed by this hateful excuse of a human. Tell her you're done after the years of support you put in that she didn't think to listen to you for one minute. Bury them in your heart as dead to you and move on.

Sorry to hear what you’re going through.
Write her a letter telling her EVERYTHING and then be done. Have no further communication.
Then leave him and move out. 💐

I am so so sorry you are going through this. How despicably they have behaved. Totally shown their true colours. I understand your staying married because it was convenient for you and husband, but it’s not a reason to throw you under the bus. After all you’ve done! Cancel the holiday, and start looking after you and your kids best interests. Hand hold.

You guys know I can’t do that, right? He will still see then even once we divorce . I’m not going to tell them they can’t see their father, even if I could

@R0SEMARY look at how he is treating you now - when supposedly married.

You think he’ll be better in a divorce?

Trust me, age appropriate truth is the best protection your kids have.

He’ll try to destroy you, they will see who he is.

Highly likely that they will vote with their feet too. They can choose not to see him.

Don’t be afraid of being free of this awful, terrible man and his frankly atrocious daughter

At least have a chat with a lawyer, investigating your position will give you a huge amount of power in that you’ll know where you stand

There is obviously a (great big H-shaped) reason why Helen is a nasty piece of work, and she could be afforded some sympathy for that...but that is not your problem. That is for her wife/family/friends/therapist whoever to deal with...walk away.

@theleafandnotthetree - Because I’m not naive, the OP’s posts say it all, I don’t believe everything people write in a forum and many fabricate things to make themselves feel better about a situation they’ve brought on themselves. I’ve also seen it too many times in real life. I don’t believe Helen would have been amicable with her SM, if she said all of those things throughout the ‘years’ she’s been in her life. Her husband has probably told his daughter how she really feels about his daughter and she has rightly withdrawn the invite. She hasn’t been a perfect stepmother either, her posts are blindingly obvious that she dislikes her.

Personally I wouldn't bother writing Helen a letter, she obviously relies on her dad for money, and would disbelieve anything you said anyway.
I'm sure without your calming influence he'll have plenty of opportunities to mess things up himself.
I'm sure you could get a divorce while you both still live in the house, and you may be able to stay there, if he gets the business?

OP, your husband lies with ease. It's all a bit pointless to try and work out why you have been un-invited going by what he has told you, it won't be the truth.

You have put a lot into the marriage - you need a shit hot lawyer to make sure you and your children get your fair share out of it.

Make this the turning point in your life

@GloGirl

I strongly suspect your husband has told Helen that he is divorcing you shortly - and she doesn't want his "ex-wife" at the wedding.

I suspect the rug will be pulled out from under you very shortly - get prepared

Good solicitor, copies of all paperwork, get your passports and any important photographs out of the house. Sure up your business legalities, improve house value (or negate it, whichever is in your interest).

I bet you a pound that your children wont go to the wedding, Helen will go nuclear, your husband will berate you for not supporting him by making them attend, he will then leave, send you a nasty message telling you to get your things out of his house.

2 weeks later he will be living with a new girlfriend, who is going to the wedding.

The writing is on the wall.

I agree with this. Worth repeating, considering what a shitweasel your husband has been in every other respect.

@GloGirl

I strongly suspect your husband has told Helen that he is divorcing you shortly - and she doesn't want his "ex-wife" at the wedding.

I suspect the rug will be pulled out from under you very shortly - get prepared

Good solicitor, copies of all paperwork, get your passports and any important photographs out of the house. Sure up your business legalities, improve house value (or negate it, whichever is in your interest).

I bet you a pound that your children wont go to the wedding, Helen will go nuclear, your husband will berate you for not supporting him by making them attend, he will then leave, send you a nasty message telling you to get your things out of his house.

2 weeks later he will be living with a new girlfriend, who is going to the wedding.

The writing is on the wall.

This. This is the best fit for what has happened.

Helen has been told that you have been unfaithful or dishonest with money or something, and that you are about to be divorced by her father.

Thank you all for your posts, even those of you who have criticised me, it’s good to hear another perspective. And to those who have been through something similar.

I particularly want to thank those of you who have pointed out that he might have been lying to me about Helen. As soon as I read that it was so blindingly obvious. But I honestly never occurred to me. And yes, so much of my opinion of her is based on what John has said about her. I’m so stupid.

Some factual things people have asked:

My kids are older teens.

I called my husband DH because it’s MN shorthand, he’s not my darling husband and I don’t still have feelings for him. We have lived pretty much apart for years and any love is long gone.

I didn’t say I was a Christian , just that I’m from a traditional background. This isn’t about my religion.

Helen was not actually violent to me, just very physically aggressive and threatening when I was pg and felt very vulnerable. She never hit me and and I’m sorry if I implied that or used the word violent.

Yes I’ll admit that I struggle to like Helen , as she has treated me, my children and others very badly. I never pretended here or in RL that we are best buddies. I’ve always known that she dislikes me. But I’ve spent years working on it trying to get to a polite and friendly working relationship, and I thought we had achieved that.

If we had always been at loggerheads and had arguments and fallings out I would never have expected to be a wedding guest in the first place. But that’s not the case - I’m pretty sure we’ve not had a cross word in

About money / finances / divorce - I’ve not been passive at all, I’ve been working hard for literally years trying to extricate myself from a very vulnerable situation. I made poor decisions early in our marriage ( paying off his debt, allowing him to put assets in his sole name) because I loved my husband and thought we were a team. It’s taken a long time to sort this out financially . I don’t want to go into details here as it’s not relevant.

Also I’m not a lovely person . I’m a deeply flawed person who is easily hurt and often gets things out of proportion. When we first married I was naive enough to think that I could help Helen, as she was a disturbed and unhappy teen. I though I could love her and make a difference in her life, give her time and attention which neither of her parents could give her ( for different reasons not relevant here).

I know now that was foolish and probably patronising to her parents. But I was kind and patient with her and well intentioned. And goodness knows I’ve tried SO HARD.

I’ve admitted that I don’t agree with a lot of Helen’s life choices. But I don’t tell her because it’s none of my business. She’s an adult and can make her own choices - she doesn't ask for my opinion and I don’t give it. I smile and nod. If that makes me two faced then so be it.

Your husband is a nasty nasty man. You deserve better than this. There’s something very very wrong with him.

Bombastic is spot on.

He is a vile, manipulative liar. You and your children will be better off out of his sphere of influence, but obviously that is your decision.

And the hypocrisy of not accepting his daughter's sexuality because it conflicts with his religion, but at the same time being a vindictive, spiteful, lying adulterer - I don't know what faith he ascribes to, but I don't know any that condones this sort of appalling behaviour.

If I were you, I'd be sorting out my financial options and seeing a lawyer. This is very destructive to your self-esteem, even if you aren't consciously aware of it.

I would still write to Helen. Wish her and her partner a lovely wedding day and marriage.

I would also say that after the phone call her father confessed that he has been saying utterly horrid untruths about you to her such as x y z and that it's all lies and you want her to know that you have not ever said these things. Also that yo can only assume he is planning to leave you after saying such spiteful things.

You could even add that you are saddened that the teens don't want to attend but they are old enough to make their choices.

What an absolute cunt of a man.

Yes, write her a letter saying everything you've said to us, and more. Go into more detail about it all.

And leave him FFS. The first affair would have done it for me, but now is the time for you to stop putting up with his shit.

Also I’m not a lovely person . I’m a deeply flawed person who is easily hurt and often gets things out of proportion.

Anyone in the near vicinity that reaffirms these ideas you have about yourself? Do you believe this because you've put up with your husband and felt you 'should' be doing that better?

When we first married I was naive enough to think that I could help Helen, as she was a disturbed and unhappy teen. I though I could love her and make a difference in her life, give her time and attention which neither of her parents could give her ( for different reasons not relevant here).

That is pretty much the definition of a lovely person!

I can only re-iterate Helen is not going to believe OP.

Weddings are stressful, her feelings will be running high, she's been brainwashed by her dad for years. In order for her to believe OP she would have to accept that her dad had betrayed her too & she may not be willing to even go there.

After the wedding, once OP is divorced, she might say to Helen: Fwiw the immediate trigger for divorce after years of infidelity was that dad confessed to lying to you for years telling you his perspective was actually mine. I have never subscribed to his religious homophobia. I wanted to have a good relationship with you. My discovery constituted a complete betrayal of both me and you. Then leave the ball in her court.

Although it would be a bit attention seeking to leave your wife of 20 years a few weeks before your daughters wedding.

If anything he might decide to leave before Helen's wedding in order to save face about why you & at least some of the children aren't there.

"Well she's ALWAYS been so unsupportve of Helen & partner and OF COURSE my children come first so I told her that it was in everyone's best interests if we seperated. Then she made some very nasty remarks about Helen so she's been uninvited."

And there won't be anyone to correct his story at the wedding.

I'm so sorry, for you and this poor girl. Her teenage issues were likely due to her sexuality and her father. If I were you I'd send her a link to this thread. I know it's complicated but you really should think about getting rid of DH, you would be much happier for it, you deserve the chance to find a real partnership xx

"allowing him to put assets in his sole name" You do know in divorce you will get at lest half anyway... possibly even repaid for clearing his debt.
You need a SHL, serve him the papers before he realizes the intention to divorce so he can't start hiding assets.