Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

Every time I read “I stayed for the children’s sake”
It makes me roll my eyes.

The children are always worse off being part of a shitty relationship. It’s such a bullshit excuse

ChaToilLeam says it all.
You will get half the house, infact more as he works away & in no way can claim he is an acting parent, half the business, & a whole life back.
I have read so many unhappy stories on MN, but honestly I think yours is the saddest. You need to tell the DC the truth, tell them that his treachery has been the final blow, in spite of always supporting his entitled nightmare of a daughter.
I would also be telling her the truth, she can believe what she wants as she will no longer be your problem.she can also organise his funeral herself, & pay for it, seeing as you are no longer be interested.
Your DC will only see their father if they want to, at their age they can opt out.
Please leave ASAP

@R0SEMARY this is utterly hateful and I am aghast at what this woman and her father have put you through. Deceit (long term, calculated) is something which represented the last nail in the coffin for my marriage, because there is no going back when the truth comes out. Trust is such an important foundation to a harmonious partnership: I am furious at your STBXH on your behalf. Can you chuck him out?

@Fiona2020

Every time I read “I stayed for the children’s sake” It makes me roll my eyes.

The children are always worse off being part of a shitty relationship. It’s such a bullshit excuse

I agree.

Staying for the children when the environment is toxic and poisonous is ot for the children.
It's because the mother doesn't feel able to leave and saying she stays for the children makes live easier for HER.

Children in toxic marriages in my experience NEVER look back and say they are glad their parents stayed together.

All they remember is the poison that was in their home growing up.

Leave him.

Your relationship with Helen is clearly very damaged because of your husband. You cant trust anything he has ever told you about her. He has most likely played you agains one-another for a very long time( if not from the start).

Have a good think about what you 100% know about her and what your husband has just told you about her. Like, do you really know if he was unaware she dropped out? Or are you sure she is asking for money or is he just giving her money. Has she said she resents you and your children for getting inheritance she thinks should have been hers or is this something he told you to explain why she does not like you.

If I was in your position I would try and let the past go, accept that Helen is not yet in a place to do the same and focus on getting that divorce. You don't want to go to this wedding anyway because it would be incredibly awkward being in the middle of divorce proceedings with her father at that point.

However I would try and convince the other children to go to the wedding. This is not their fight, and hopefully their relationship with their sister will last long after you and your husband are gone. And let Helen know you will try and convince them to go, don't let your husband take the credit for it.

Also get a good divorce lawyer, by the sounds of it you are owed a lot. If you payed off his debts and helped him build his company you might be owed part of the company or compensation equal to your entitled share.

Forget about Helen, don't bother explaining yourself to her. What would it achieve? She obviously dislikes you and has treated you appallingly.

Focus your energy on your dc, exiting the marriage and your future free from this toxic mess.

I completely agree with @bombastical, even though it's fairly radical - I think it's warranted. You know he doesn't love you but that he stays for the 'domestic servicing'? Fuck that.

Another Christian being a dick and messing things up for the rest of us 😔 Of course that's if you ignore all my swearing.

"But even when we divorce I will still have to have some dealings with Helen as she’s my children’s half sibling."

Rubbish. You'll never have to have dealings with her again.

You keep saying about the teens "seeing their dad". 2 of them instantly pulled out of his daughters wedding because you weren't invited, in support of you. I seriously doubt they'll be skipping off merrily to their dads each weekend.

You're doing them no favours by staying.

I agree with PP. Your teens will benefit tremendously from seeing their mum live truthfully and freely, without lying and covering for a toxic, abusive man who rules the home they currently have no choice but to live in.

You can't control your children. You will have to take the risk that they will choose to spend time with him, and allow themselves to be manipulated with his lies and money. But at least you will be giving them a choice. They may also choose to spend more of their time with you and to avoid this horrible man.

Otherwise you are simply modelling for them that this is what marriage looks like. It's living with someone who treats you like dirt because that's just what you do. And because the kids "need" you to stay.

What a horrible burden to put on your teens--that you stayed married to a toxic, abusive, lying shithead "for their sake." Do you really think they'll thank you for that down the road?

Be honest and open with the children. But talk to a lawyer first and get yourself out.

You are inventing reasons to stay.

@SausageBeanz

in your DH's words *

not worse.

Wow you are harsh!

You know he's a liar, Op, unless he willingly tells you all about his affairs.

I honestly don't understand why you are still with this unfaithful cowardly man who hasn't even got the balls to tell his dd what he thinks.

Unless the OP is totally making up a story here she is totally in the right.

I agree with others that the core issue is your husband but I can understand why Helen's behaviour is so infuriating.

You have been keeping the higher moral ground all along and you can continue to do so in relation to the wedding but I also agree that you should get the best lawyer possible and get everything back that you are entitled to in the separation and divorce.

@SausageBeanz

Sorry OP but reading this I don't think you're being completely honest.

You have listed off many character flaws of Helen, all apparantly in your DH's worse, but then dripfed that actually, you agreed with him on some of it, then go on to call Helen a bridezilla and that you never wanted to go to her wedding anyway.

Reading your posts I've no doubt you've been very unpleasant toward and about her yourself, and she knows it.

I don't your DH says awful things about her. In fact, I think he's very well voiced some of his opinions to his daughter himself (because he can't help himself) and dressed it up as it's what 'Rosemary' thinks.

But one things for sure, you're not giving the full story.

I think Helen would be best off without you there, and without her dad there to be totally honest. Some of the things you're spouting about her (and I do mean YOU, 'bridezilla' etc, not just what your husbands been saying) is awful and you both sound like not very nice people at all.

I've no doubt she was a pain in the arse in her younger days. That happens to people sometimes. You two as adults have no excuse though. I'd disown you both if I was in Helen's position to be frank.

Wow! You are very harsh

I can understand that you feel that you are too entangled to leave easily while the DC are still in full-time education but I think that the entanglement could actually be used to your advantage while negotiating your divorce. If you are joint directors of the business then you can use that to keep the house if you sign over the business to him. If he owns the business alone then that's potentially even better as its value will be a marital asset anyway, so you can still use it to negotiate keeping the house, plus it means that you have been employed by the business for quite a considerable period of time. He can't sack you just because you no longer want to be married to him, you could sue for unfair dismissal (after the divorce is finalised obviously and you've already split the marital assets) so you can offer a compromise agreement as part of the division of marital assets. Or he could agree to make you redundant, with the corresponding redundancy payment. Find a shit-hot lawyer and get things moving on the quiet.

How transferable are your skills? I wouldn't accept another job before you've reached a compromise agreement with the current business, but look around and see what's available and be ready to sent out lots of applications.

However, what stands out to me in your original post is this: if your DH has truly been saying all along that his views of Helen are yours, why has she involved you in these wedding plans for years? Why is it that she only now uninvites you? It makes no sense. I think he must be lying to you

This puzzles me too , if Helen has been fed lies about you for years , she must be some sort of Oscar winning actress to even appear civil to you.

No advice that hasn’t already been given here, but just wanted to send you a hug Stay strong.

I don't think OP should share this thread with Helen given she's spoken on it about having long term plans to leave her husband once kids finish school.

An earlier poster bought up a good point I hadn't considered. @R0SEMARY your children are currently making a maybe important decision in their life long relationship with their older sibling to not attend her wedding based on incomplete information. They don't know that theirs a real reason for her behaviour. That reason is based on a lot of lies, but no less real to Helen. Your kids are likely to be acting in anger at their sisters exclusion of you from the wedding because as far as they know there's no reason for her hurtful behaviour. If this comes to light in the future they may feel agrieved that they made this decision without all the relevant information.

If you think he might be planning to leave, then you really need to make sure you have copies of all financial documents. You'd be naive to think this man wouldn't try to rip you off.

One of the other teens thinks that they are gay, maybe bi, they are not sure. And of course they haven’t told their father because of his attitude.

You need to leave to protect this teen.

Another one who voted to start an exit fund. £20-30 cash back with each shop, etc... it will soon add up.

Talk to your children in an age appropriate manner.
And see a SHL. Quickly!

I would echo those who have said step one is SHL (shit hot lawyer), like lightening, with no warnings given to John whatsoever. I would extricate myself completely of the lives of both John and Helen and take him for every penny you can. Your children will make up their own minds.

When I say take him for every penny: understand that I am a stepmother, and do not understand those posters on MN who always come with their "why have you spent YOUR money on your stepchildren, they are your DH's problem" etc. I brought up my stepdaughters, including sending them to private schools and university, and I am the only family breadwinner, so it was effectively all "my" money (although that is not how DH and I conceive of our finances). I completely understand why you have put much effort and money into your relationship with Helen. But now is the time to sever the connection and move right on. This is not fixable. And you deserve both a better life and payback.

I hope when you do finally leave him you absolutely destroy him. What an utter disgrace of a husband and father.

I’d also send her a link to this thread.

OP your DH sounds like a very manipulative, deceitful and dishonest person. He has told her what he thinks of her lifestyle choices but instead of saying those thoughts come from him he's using you as a scapegoat. It's no wonder she doesn't want you at her wedding. Is she going to believe you if you tell her the truth? I think you just need to respectfully bow out of this mess. And preferablly out of your marriage too. Cancel the bookings, let your DH sort out all the arrangements if he's attending alone.

Remember that his dishonesty and narcissism is going to manifest throughout the divorce process so make sure (1) you have copied/saved as much in the way of finacial records and proof before you start, (2) your lawyer is really good and (3) once you have left you communicate only through the solicitors. (I know something of this, my XH wasn't as toxic as John, but he was narcisstic and self-righteous, and he tried many many tricks on me).