Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

He should tell her he will fight to be resident parent. She has no more rights over the children than he does. She can't just expect to say "jump" and everyone else says "how high?"

He could try to get custody on the grounds that it's too much of an upheaval for the children. Moving area, school, away from extended family etc etc.

Poor kids. Mums known new bloke for a whole 18 months and the kids have to move in with him and his child, change schools and see their dad less often. Meanwhile, new bloke gets to keep everything the same. What could possibly go wrong? She’s already changing everything for him after knowing him for no time at all and he’s having to do fuck all.

Hope the new bloke is worth it and it’s lasts as kids will no doubt have their lives changed again.

How about the dc stay with dad at their current school and local area, and go to mum’s new house eow?

If the children are okay with that, that sounds like it will provide more stability for them. Legal advice may well be expensive but it’s for the children’s happiness so well worth it.

And this ISN'T about it being bad that she wants to move.

This is about it being very much bad that she wants to decrease an established level of contact with their dad.

My guess is that she'll be able to afford a bigger house as she's factoring in the child maintenance she's now going to get as it's not going to be a 50/50 arrangement any more.....
If your DP is currently getting 50/50 (and I mean real 50/50 where he does everything for his children for half of the week, not just meals & sleepovers) then he should push to keep that if he can manage the distance

Can I just say OP you sound a lovely person and a great girlfriend, he is lucky to have you! (though he sounds pretty great too)

[quote emilyfrost]**@bombastical is clearly a selfish, bitter single parent who has done exactly the same as OP’s boyfriend’s ex and doesn’t want to be made to feel guilty about denying her child’s father a proper relationship, hence the defensiveness and anger.[/quote]
Was about to post the same. Absolutely pathetic attitude. How about if OP's DP decides to move in with her and that the kids are going too and he's changing their school?? They are 50/50 currently so it's the exact same thing - why does the mum have the right to do this?

@toobusytothink Sorry to read this, it's shit for your boyfriend but I'm not really sure what he can do. Even if he went to court I don't think 45 minutes is far enough for them to stop her moving - tbh I think it's even quite difficult to get courts to stop any move within the same country.

Also, sadly it's probably worth him considering how his relationship with his ex would deteriorate if he did try and take it further. She sounds like she might be very difficult.

Can your DP work from home in his job? If so, maybe he could pick them up from their mum's in the evening twice a week and then work from home the day after so he can drop them to school without the giant commute, then he's not losing that much time with them?

Would the mum ever drop them off to him from school or would he need to make all the adjustments to make this work?

If theyre split up, shes entitled to move. Its less than an hour away and she would be making sure he still had regular contact. I guess the other option is he suggests having main residency and offering her access if he was willing to do that? Its not really any of your business though.

Actually, I’m a pretty grumpy pointer out of double standards on mumsnet, and this thread looked to have that but the direction has changed and a lot of posters are supporting the dad in this.

It’s good to see the few posters with pro mum anti dad agendas being called out on it. Much better thread than I feared it might be

I agree having knowledge of the legal system I dont think necessarily she will be stopped here because 45 minutes isnt that much.

Where would the new school be in terms of distance. The problem seems to be that his work is in the opposite direction

One thing is to agree now on holidays 50/50 then an maybe a friday to a monday EOW.

A three night weekend EOW plus one night in the week is a 10/20 split which isnt as bad.

She has also said moving closer to him - maybe see if they are buying they can be more like 30 mins away.

What would the High School location be as well?

I think he needs firstly to go in calmly there is room for negotiation here at the start without hitting legal advice or court.

FIrst off I think he needs to accept the potential for a school move

Poor kids. Mums known new bloke for a whole 18 months and the kids have to move in with him and his child, change schools and see their dad less often

Exactly my thoughts. I feel so sorry for these children.

I'd fight as hard as I can to keep the 50/50 and if she insists on moving in with this man, I would try for her to have EOW. She isn't putting the children first at all.

Well she won’t get much child maintenance as his job doesn’t pay a huge amount. He’s always prioritised home life over work - something she resents because before they had kids he had a much higher paid job but changed so he could see his kids. But I’m sure it’s something she’s certainly thought about

@Branleuse

If theyre split up, shes entitled to move. Its less than an hour away and she would be making sure he still had regular contact. I guess the other option is he suggests having main residency and offering her access if he was willing to do that? Its not really any of your business though.

Not really any of her business? Are you taking the piss?!?!?!?!?!

@zafferana

Get legal advice OP, even if it costs you. Yes, EOW and one night is pretty standard, but to go from 50/50 to that just because she wants to move in with her new bf is not reasonable. If he wants to continue with 50/50 he should fight for it and these days it's pretty standard to that to be the arrangement while DC are young. As he's had 50/50 up to now I'd say he's got a good case.

I agree with this. I bet the responses would be very different if it was the other way round. The boyfriend should move to her.

@toobusytothink

Thank you everyone. It’s just pants because he’s tried to talk to her about it but she won’t even engage. Just says a flat no to 50:50 and that she’s moving. Don’t even know where to start. He’s sent her a really nice email saying he’s prepared to compromise but wants the kids to stay at their school. Said in all this the kids need to be the priority and they both will have to make certain sacrifices and they need to try and talk about it. She hasn’t responded ...

Why is she so against 50/50 if that's what they have now?! Has she given a reason?

@Branleuse

If theyre split up, shes entitled to move. Its less than an hour away and she would be making sure he still had regular contact. I guess the other option is he suggests having main residency and offering her access if he was willing to do that? Its not really any of your business though.

It is OP's business as it's distressing HER partner. She is entitled to care.

@toobusytothink

Wow I’m shocked at the responses so far. What about putting the kids first? Surely they deserve to have a relationship with their dad?

Consider your audience OP, a very large proportion of whom are divorced first wives.

I think you're having a hard time on here.

All dads are deadbeat, even if they want to see their children 50/50 or pay a good amount towards them, its the mumsnet way. 🤷‍♀️

If they're currently 50/50 then why not her doing the 1 night and every other weekend?

I feel for the kids too. They adore their dad and are used to seeing him 50% of the time. I just think she needs to be patient with her new relationship. My bf and I accept that much as we may want to we can’t live with each other for the foreseeable future but we will make what we have work and enjoy the fact that we still see each other half the week and the other half we see our own kids by ourselves.

How old is the ex's new boyfriend's DC?

@bombastical
"She’s entitled to move on and live her best life." Do people actually believe this kind of crap in real life? This woman isn't going off to rescue baby turtles or run a refugee camp or make great art or even pursue an amazing job opportunity which might benefit her children,, she's moving so she can spend every night - and not 50% of nights as she currently can - with her newish boyfriend of 18 months who doesn't seem willing to make a single sacrifice on his end. Oh and doing something which no one else involves wants. But yeah, you go girl.

No she has given no reason why against 50:50. Weird because she’s been almost insistent on it up until now. She’s just said a flat no. But she won’t talk to him

I wish people would stop thr hyperbole and dramatics. She isnt taking the children away from their dad and she isnt destroying their relationship he will still see them every single week. Maybe its a better area and nicer school. Its 45 minutes he cannot dictate where his ex lives in the country.

Ex’s new bf’s dc is 10 or 11 I believe