Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

[Twatterati]

@Twatterati

Different advice to that already posted.

Get legal advice as she needs his permission to move away and he can object. 45 mins isn't far but it's too far for the existing 50:50.

I moved away with my DC, and had to have my ex-h's consent to do so. Also had to agree new custody agreements (EOW) plus I had to agree to foot the bill for ALL travel on the EOWs as I was the one moving, so she should factor this in.

If he doesn't want them to go and they are possibly leaving the former family house, a solicitor and judge will support the 50:50 existing arrangement and prevent her fork moving with them. She's still to move alone if she wants.

Plus if she does move he'll become liable for child maintenance as it's no longer a 50:50 arrangement. She may already thought about this as it'd be extra money in their joint household income!

He needs to refuse this. My ex-h didn't because his work commitments meant we'd never be able to do 50:50 anyway, and he felt it was unfair to hold me back when he'd never be able to do 50:50, but we still went to court to have everything settled officially.

Just editing as my advice was different as I typed it, lot of people saying 'suck it up...'. Can see now that there's more objective posts!

FFS - if this was the other way round, and a mum posting that dad wanted to move the dad would be torn a new one!! Why can't this mum have EOW and one midweek night?

TBH 18 months in a new relationship isn't that long, all this upheaval and it could go tits up. Maybe mum should make sure she likes living with her new partner before inflicting him on the DCs.

[Frazzled99]

@toobusytothink

Thank you *@TrustTheGeneGenie* that’s exactly correct. It’s the work that’s the problem. I don’t care how far he is from me. We would make it work. His kids come first!

This is nice. But YOU are important too. If you continue long term in this relationship, please don't think you don't deserve to be prioritised at times. Blended families must value the needs of all of those in it. Don't take being second best, your partner needs to make sure all your needs are met x

[TatianaBis]

Absolutely get legal advice it's totally worth going to court over this, if he can afford to.

Given that he's so hands on, he may get 50:50 and there's nothing to stop him from going for primary residence as he's the one staying in the area.

It's not a given that he would only get EOW+1.

[minniemango]

How about the dc stay with dad at their current school and local area, and go to mum’s new house eow?

[Carrottop73]

Surely if DC’s school is near their dad and he already has 50-50 then he has a good case to be primary carer.

At the very least the mum moving away should have to the travelling to facilitate a continuing 50-50 split.

It sucks how expensive it is but I think proper legal help is needed ASAP to defend fathers interests- as this seems to be also in the DC interests.

It doesn’t seem the DC are gaining much from the move.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@zippityzip

I'm quite shocked at the responses here to be honest.

They've had a good arrangement that worked well for the kids for a long time and he is now getting absolutely NO say where the kids live or go to school?

If this was a mum seeking advice, as the dad has said (who has 50/50 and equal rights) "I'm moving an hour away and changing the children's schools, you only get them EOW now" there would be uproar!

I'm not too clued up on the legal processes but can he apply for an emergency prohibited steps order - so at least it can be post-poned pending a joint agreement in where the kids will go to school and where they will live.

Yes the mum is entitled to move on but decisions on schooling/moving cities should be joint between the parents. Ideally.

I'm shocked too. So the Dad is good enough to be 50/50 parent allowing the mum time to build a life, form a new relationship but he is just expected to suck it up and more importantly have his children suck it up when she decides she wants something different that seems to be purely in her rather than the children's interests. Op is sounds like you and your boyfriend are looking at the whole picture to an admirable degree - not just your boyfriends time with the children but the relationships with extended family, school, friends, etc - yet you are the ones getting a hard time of it from some people here. I seperated from my childrens father 4 years ago and the one thing we agreed on was that the children should maintain their stability as much as possible in terms of everything other than the fact that we didn't live together any more - so same school, village, friends, extended family, etc. It is a sacrifice and impacts on things like jobs, other relationships but that is what you do when you have put your children into this scenario. At the very least, there should be a discussion and joint agreement with both parents - mediated or via the courts if necessary - it is sort of outrageous that any parent could think otherwise

[MillieMooBee]

I never ever understand and double standard in a situation like this. I mean both with regards to society in generally and the Mumsnet world. Why is it that the mum gets to decide everything? I don't get it. If the dad wanted to over 45 mins away and just tell the mum ' you can have em every other weekend' there would be uproar!!

[toobusytothink]

On his days yes he picks up from school at 3:15 and does tea etc and drops them at school next morning at 8:45 - definitely a proper 50/50 at the moment.

[ILoveYou3000]

*So you live 45 mins away from where he is and that’s fine, but she can’t have the same privilege?
*
Well yes because it's not about where the OP lives, it's about what's best for the children. Why should the dad be the one who has to make all the sacrifices and compromises when it's mum who wants to move away and change everything? Why does he have to find a way to make it work and accommodate the ex, who is the one who wants the changes?

How is changing an arrangement that's been ongoing for four years, that is pretty much the only way these two children have known, of any benefit to the children?

[Wallywobbles]

Courts go with the status quo as a rule. He needs to prove he has them 50/50. The courts are also not keen on school changes. Could your DP have them full time and her EOW?

We have 50/50. Parents live an hour apart. School is in the middle. We all work in that town.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@minniemango

How about the dc stay with dad at their current school and local area, and go to mum’s new house eow?

Exactly! This seems much the more logical change if the mother is that anxious to move. It would mean all the other pillars of their life would remain the same

[ILoveYou3000]

So just to clarify - you don't want the mother to move closer to her partner because that's unfair on your partner and he can't move closer to his children because then he will be too far away from you. Have I read that right?

Er, nope. Give it another shot.

[toobusytothink]

No maintenance being paid as he has 50/50

[Throwntothewolves]

A lot of people on here only see it from the mother's point of view using their own experience of shitty exes as a reference point.

An alternative idea as the courts are interested in what's best for the children and they already have 50/50 care, is for their father to suggest that they stay at the same school, they continue to share care 50/50 and he is the resident parent. That would mean the kids wouldn't have as much disruption as there would be no school move, and their mother would be free to move to be closer to her boyfriend should she wish to. They could still share care equally if the school run is manageable for her, but if she can't facilitate that then they can either mostly live with their father or she will have to think of a different way to move her relationship forward.
I don't see why she gets to call the shots when each parent is equally responsible and the kids moving schools just so their mother can live with her boyfriend doesn't seem to be in their best interests.

A lot of people said he is being selfish, when in fact it is her as she's the one wanting to make changes that directly affect her kids in many ways, not least of which is reducing contact with their father.

Whatever they do he needs to do it legally so everyone knows the score.

[toobusytothink]

The suggestion that kids stay with him sounds fab! But she has already said a flat no to 50:50 officially so she would never agree to that! But I think if he can have it so they stay at the same school that would actually be the priority for him. As people say then it would be ex doing the long school run but that’s her choice.

[halfwaythrough2]

45 mins drive isn't bad to be honest but you should focus more on the fact of seeing the kids less. Maybe you guys will have to change the arrangement so they come for half the week instead of every other night. Every other weekend isn't ok if there's been regular contact but it will mean you need to drive longer for pick up and school etc.

Comprise on both sides, you can't expect someone to stay out forever. It may be yourself wanting to move at some point

[Heyahun]

Wow people hate dads on here!

I’d fight this tbh - get something official in place - I think he has a good case for being the resident parent as he is staying in their area, if they live with him they can stay in their school and not have to move.

Bet she wouldn’t like being told she can only have them every other weekend and one day in the week

[Candyfloss99]

Why would the kids have to change school if he has them 50/50? Surely she can do all the travelling if it's her who wants to move and they can stay at their current school.

[Wallywobbles]

He's got nothing to loose by fighting it. Worse case he gets what she wants best case he is RP and she has to pay.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@halfwaythrough2

45 mins drive isn't bad to be honest but you should focus more on the fact of seeing the kids less. Maybe you guys will have to change the arrangement so they come for half the week instead of every other night. Every other weekend isn't ok if there's been regular contact but it will mean you need to drive longer for pick up and school etc.

Comprise on both sides, you can't expect someone to stay out forever. It may be yourself wanting to move at some point

Actually I think you can expect someone to stay put while the children are below a certain age. As another poster has pointed out, it is not childrens fault that they already don't get to live with mum and dad all the time, have to live across two houses, etc. It behoves the parents in the normal circumstances of two basically caring involved parents to put their own non-essential - and this definitely counts as that - needs and desires to one side for a time. Or if they wish to do differently, for example move a big distance for a job or a relationship - to be the one to take on the burden of travel - it is certainly not up to the children or the other parent.

[toobusytothink]

Thank you everyone. It’s just pants because he’s tried to talk to her about it but she won’t even engage. Just says a flat no to 50:50 and that she’s moving. Don’t even know where to start. He’s sent her a really nice email saying he’s prepared to compromise but wants the kids to stay at their school. Said in all this the kids need to be the priority and they both will have to make certain sacrifices and they need to try and talk about it. She hasn’t responded ...

[BillMasen]

@agreyersky

Just want to add that I would love to move away with the kids, but their Dad is here. I think he's an arse but he is their Dad and they love him. I made the mistake of procreating with the idiot, but that was MY mistake, not my kids. Its for me to take the hit on this, not them. For better or worse he is their Dad and they would be heartbroken if I moved them away so he could see less of them.
Being an adult means accepting the consequences of your own decisions, not forcing others, especially your own children, to suffer the hit for your choices.

Is there an applause emoji

Refreshing to read and spot on

[Aquariussuns]

I’m a single parent and my daughters dad sees her EOW - this is normal for us because that’s the way it’s always been since birth. I don’t think it’s reasonable to reduce contact to that amount when he is used to having them 50% of the time.
I’m also going to have to say I don’t agree with uprooting the children and changing their school so that she can be closer to her new partner. Why is he not moving if it’s less hassle for him?!

I think your partner needs to seek legal advice on this - it doesn’t seem fair. If this was a dad attempting to reduce a mother’s contact the responses would be very different.

[YoniAndGuy]

Go to court for residency is the only way then.

He could argue:

• he already has them 50-50 so she is trying to change a long standing agreement to the detriment of the children (they would have to move schools AND decrease contact with dad)
  
• if they swapped residency they could stay in school and also maintain more contact with other relatives
  

-if they swapped residency he would be open eg to her having them much more than EOW, and as she presumably doesn't work 40 mins in the opposite direction again, this would be easier to manage - so they'd see mum near enough just as much without the upheaval.

[BillMasen]

@Summertime246

So just to clarify - you don't want the mother to move closer to her partner because that's unfair on your partner and he can't move closer to his children because then he will be too far away from you. Have I read that right?

Not even close