Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

[Pebbledashery]

You should also pick up on what pp said about the fact the Court may not see 50/50 as in their best interests. It must be hard for young kids going between two homes, especially if it's not between amicable parents.
He may end up with full residence and she gets contact... But then again.. She may as well.

[RandomMess]

I've just reread all your posts and seeing as those their Mum works near the school and her family help her out with childcare I cannot see any reason why she needs to move their school.

The only thing that changes is that they all need to commute back for work and school which isn't ideal. However if her job is still in the current area and the DC move school then surely they are going to be in childcare far longer in a new area?

It would be far better for the DC for the first step to a blended family would be if they still were at their current school and had shared 50:50 with their Dad as has been the normal for 2 years and before that he cares for them daily as was in the family home.

It makes you wonder at the new boyfriend is he the one pushing this agenda of them all living together in his place as one big happy family? The woman giving up her existing job, moving away from close family support, moving her DC school and reducing their time with their Dad.

It could be textbook isolate the vulnerable woman!

[MNWorldisCrazy]

Your boyfriend may or may not already know this, but should it actually get to court (after mediation etc which is mandatory, she cannot refuse to attend), then he can represent himself in court. I think it costs the princely sum of roughly £250

[PaterPower]

Having represented myself in the early stages of a Family court case, I can tell you that it ended up costing a lot more than £250, because you end up leaning on a solicitor for advice.

If you’re the one bringing the action then you’ll have to put all the case folders together, you’ll have to liaise with her solicitors and then (if you’re unlucky enough to face a panel of magistrates instead of a judge) you’ll probably have to contend with three grumpy bastards, who don’t know the law, being irritated with you because YOU won’t know the law involved either.

And all the prep work etc is on top of whatever you do for a living and the demands of that job. My hat goes off to successful litigants in person, because it’s a lot of work to do and not all magistrates, or district judges, will give you the leeway you will need.

I ended up paying the thick end of 10K because she employed a barrister and solicitors and I felt I had to get a barrister for the main hearing too. And I still didn’t get the result I’d gone to court for.

[Pebbledashery]

Court never goes how you want it. Our judge at our first hearing thought it was a wonderful idea to progress with contact in the community despite CAFCASS recommending no contact whatsoever in the interim because of how extremely violent he is.. My DD was forced to see her violent father and I was faced with my abuser again.
Your partner and his ex will get a shock...I'll tell you now.

[toobusytothink]

Thank you. That is why he keeps on trying and trying to suggest mediation.

[TheSparkleJar]

He should get the ball rolling on mediation. He's informed her that's what he wants to do, he doesn't need her approval to fill in the paperwork. If she gets an official letter and ignores it, it will look bad in court.

And in the meantime while she's dragging her feet over his messages, she could also be making preparations to move the kids. No shade to your guy, but he needs to get proactive. I hope he's filled the school in on all this too.

[Howmanysyllabasisthat]

@Pebbledashery

Court never goes how you want it. Our judge at our first hearing thought it was a wonderful idea to progress with contact in the community despite CAFCASS recommending no contact whatsoever in the interim because of how extremely violent he is.. My DD was forced to see her violent father and I was faced with my abuser again.
Your partner and his ex will get a shock...I'll tell you now.

Trouble is most judges in family courts think - the child should spend time with both parents (50/50) if possible. They think past incidents are that - in the past and why can’t every get along nicely and sit down and have a nice cup of tea and work together reasonably? Attitude.

They don’t realise abusers keep abusing even though the judge has asked them to change etc

Mine plays the fact he views me as a hostile mother to a tee and the fact that he had a restraining order for years is seen as ‘he is cured now as he doesn’t have one now’ 🤷‍♀️Until courts recognise that actually not seeing a parent who is abusive is (in some cases) absolutely to be the best thing and actually not seeing your emotionally abusive father is actually better for you - we won’t get anywhere.

However in this case - I’d stick the paper work in pronto and move. Apply for full custody and her to have access eow and see what happens

[Pebbledashery]

@Howmanysyllabasisthat I've been extraordinarily lucky with the last 2 judges we've had who have plainly seen my ex for the abuser he is and recognised he's a huge safeguarding concern to both DD and I. He can smile, play the Disney dad, put on the fake tears during his contact session and knows the supervisor will write he was crying in her report.. But I'm hopeful later down the line it'll be recognised how psychotic he is and the fact DD and I had to leave with just a few black bin bags of belongings to get away from that monster. I'm also very fortunate that CAFCASS have completely seen him for what he is.
Anyway, yes.. Get the paperwork filed if mediation doesn't work.. But expect court to be a bumpy ride.

[TatianaBis]

@toobusytothink

Thank you. That is why he keeps on trying and trying to suggest mediation.

That poster is talking about an abusive partner in a court system that still does not really recognise and understand the impact of abuse.

Your DP’s case is just an ordinary bogstandard contact case.

[Howmanysyllabasisthat]

For £250 you file a prohibitive steps order but fill the paperwork in for court in the meanwhile - state on the application that you are worried as M will not discuss any alternative to moving and has said she won’t do mediation by text / email on this date and this date. State that you hope mediation will resolve things amicably or that you will move to this town location to enable the children to see there extended family, remain at current schools. That she would be welcome to continue with the existing arrangement of 50/50 with dropping children off etc at school or for father to continue his contact and mother to have less if she wishes. But state there is no reason for her to move the children away from extended family, schools, family and friends etc just for a new partner of ? Months.

Funnily enough I was speaking to a lady yesterday who has just got divorced and they were living in a certain town. They split up and she wanted to move to her parents about 5 miles away. Ex husband wouldn’t let he had always done 50/50 of looking after them. Judge agreed and said she could move but the children would have to remain with him. The reconciled and she got him to move as a family to the new location and then they split again. This time she was allowed to remain in the area but they are alternating nights one night each at courts order between parents and they live close together. One week 3 nights with one parent and then 4 weeks the next 🤷‍♀️

Sometimes shuffling between homes works my sibling has his one week on and one week off but it is difficult trying to do what is in the child’s interests. I don’t know what the solution is but if has always done 50/50 they will want to try to keep it the same.

If she was moving 45 min drive for work I think that might be different, or to live and be a carer for elderly parents etc but just for a new partner - no. New partner can move to hers.

[toobusytothink]

Well there’s been some movement!! She finally replied saying she is prepared to talk about 50:50 but that in the summer she is moving in with her boyfriend 45 minutes away and will commit to keeping the children at their current school and will do the commute from her boyfriends on her days! So good in some ways. But poor kids ...

[toobusytothink]

And it has actually got me a bit concerned now about the hold this bf has over her. He won’t move but she is going to, and subject her kids to that plus moving away from support network etc, for him. Her weekends will be a nightmare too once lockdown eases because she will be returning to the school area for parties etc. But hey, her choice I guess. Just seems weird she would do all that for a guy!

[Quartz2208]

I imagine her mum and sister would be involved in that case OP and parties do decrease significantly after the age of 8 so I cant see that being an issue.

It is good news though and one that your boyfriend should get drawn up as an agreement that the school and 50/50 remain

[AryaStarkWolf]

@toobusytothink

Well there’s been some movement!! She finally replied saying she is prepared to talk about 50:50 but that in the summer she is moving in with her boyfriend 45 minutes away and will commit to keeping the children at their current school and will do the commute from her boyfriends on her days! So good in some ways. But poor kids ...

That's great news but honestly 45 minutes is really not that far? I travel that everyday twice to and from work. It's really not going to be that big of an ordeal especially if the kids can stay in the same school and anyway are with their dad half the week

[toobusytothink]

It’s fantastic honestly! Bf is over the moon. It is all he wanted (although would have had them full time). 50% and kids stay at school. Unfortunately she is really upset and I can completely sympathise and understand why, but she does at least get 50:50 which is more than what she was “offering” bf so hopefully she can imagine what he was feeling ... he wouldn’t dream of telling her not to move - that’s her choice if she is willing to do commute. Yay!!!

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

I’d be a bit concerned tbh that she’ll be moving and then trying to change the goalposts once she’s settled in. Saying now she’ll do the commute but once reality sets in saying oh it doesn’t work, it’s not in their interests, I’ll move them to a closer school. Does anyone know if she can do that without dad’s permission also? I’m guessing she can.

Either way your boyfriend really really needs to get the 50/50 arrangement in writing and formalised. Until then no matter what she says you’re still vulnerable to her whims.

Agree 45m isn’t that far, and they won’t be doing it every school day either will they? Just a few times per week? It might be a good opportunity to do some homework in the car or whatever. I used to like commute time as it was very productive.

[Quartz2208]

Yes DD best friend had a 30 minute car journey every day for her primary school (due to LA allocation issues for her brother and then being a good school) and she coped! And her Mum coped fine with parties and stuff and travelling. She got used to it.

Now at High School DD good friend travels in an hour there and back every day and she again copes fine.

It really does seem like the best solution and what he wanted.

[RandomMess]

I agree with formalising it too.

If her new relationship goes from strength to strength then the issue could arise again or the travelling blamed for the issues!

Also secondary school applications come around before you know it!

[toobusytothink]

Yes very wary of her changing her mind once she has moved and just realising she has to keep him sweet for now. They are definitely going to get it formalised - terms as agreed have been emailed to solicitor - and I have suggested to him it includes a minimum time commitment for keeping them at the school of say 2 years, to prevent her changing her mind (not sure if that is legally enforceable). The commute for the children would only be when they are with the mum as my bf has decided to stay local to the school (much as I would love him to be closer, kid kids come first and I’m happy I can still see him 7 nights a fortnight). And if she does find it too much and tries to then argue she wants to move them to a school closer to her, well then he would fight, be prepared to take on full responsibility if necessary, and hopefully he’d win because no reason why not 🤷‍♀️

[AryaStarkWolf]

They are definitely going to get it formalised - terms as agreed have been emailed to solicitor - and I have suggested to him it includes a minimum time commitment for keeping them at the school of say 2 years, to prevent her changing her mind (not sure if that is legally enforceable).

Yeah this is very important

[RandomMess]

Hopefully once formalised they can co-parent flexibly and when out of school activities start they can work shared care around what both can do and what works best for the DC regarding who does which days.

Presumably her family will also remain involved.

[Quartz2208]

There is no winning in this OP at all. There never is, not for the children once it gets to court.

And I would advise against a minimum term because you are almost giving agreement to it happening at the end of that (if that makes sense)

[toobusytothink]

Oh and he will also let current school know so that she can’t just give notice to them on the sly. Even if it wasn’t 50:50 I believe you need both parents permission for change in schools so he will have it on record that he withholds consent

[toobusytothink]

Ah yes thank you @Quartz2208 very good point! I won’t suggest that then. You’re right because once agreed I presume it will then be up to her to try and prove that any move or change from the agreement is in best interests of kids and to enforce the change if she wants one she would have to go to court. Thank you!