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Original poster

Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

626 replies

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 11:36

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

OP posts:
LittleRa · 25/02/2021 12:00

Ah ok I see, I thought you meant he lived with you 45 mins in other direction. I wonder how his ex would respond to the kids staying with him, seeing as he is the one staying in the area with their current school, current friend and support network (what’s his relationship like with his ex MIL etc?) and then going to her EOW and one week night instead.

BillMasen · 25/02/2021 12:00

@Choice4567

I’m afraid that sounds a reasonable thing to do, and EOW and one night is pretty standard
It may be standard but that’s the problem

Would any mum happily accept this? If not, why should a dad just because “it’s standard”?

It’s pretty shit to break up, and be classed by society as a minor parent who only deserves limited time with their kids just because “well that’s what happens, suck it up”

AryaStarkWolf · 25/02/2021 12:02

Yeah 45 minutes isn't far really but if your BF already has 50/50 (informal or not) then he should get himself a solicitor and fight for that formally in court. Like someone else pointed out it probably would make more sense to do 3 days in a row one week and 4 the next rather than every second night though because they're not as close to each other anymore

BillMasen · 25/02/2021 12:02

@toobusytothink

Wow I’m shocked at the responses so far. What about putting the kids first? Surely they deserve to have a relationship with their dad?
I’m not This is mumsnet. Dads are not important, step mums are actively disliked.
Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 12:03

And yes, it's MN you'll always get these sort of responses. Ignore and post on step-parenting section next time which tends to be other SMs who are far more able to empathise!

Fireflygal · 25/02/2021 12:03

He could apply to court for a prohibited steps order however court is very divisive and it shouldn't be used unless all other avenues fail.

He will have to attend mediation first anyway.

What is the contact schedule today? Can he propose 1 week on/off and children remaining at the same school. I'm assuming he lives near the school.

If he agrees to the move could he ask the ex to do the large share of the driving.

Best if he schedules mediation ASAP to start the process.

angieloumc · 25/02/2021 12:03

What difference would it make which school they went to, unless it was a terrible one? Children usually adapt pretty well to change, and unless it's a key year ie Sats or GCSE's, it shouldn't affect them too badly.
It seems you're thinking about what is best for your boyfriend not his children. He can still see them as much, he'll just have to travel. Despite what a pp said, I'd say the same about a man or woman.

zippityzip · 25/02/2021 12:04

I'm quite shocked at the responses here to be honest.

They've had a good arrangement that worked well for the kids for a long time and he is now getting absolutely NO say where the kids live or go to school?

If this was a mum seeking advice, as the dad has said (who has 50/50 and equal rights) "I'm moving an hour away and changing the children's schools, you only get them EOW now" there would be uproar!

I'm not too clued up on the legal processes but can he apply for an emergency prohibited steps order - so at least it can be post-poned pending a joint agreement in where the kids will go to school and where they will live.

Yes the mum is entitled to move on but decisions on schooling/moving cities should be joint between the parents. Ideally.

angieloumc · 25/02/2021 12:05

Wow, she's not a step mum, nor has she said she is, she's their dad's girlfriend.

BillMasen · 25/02/2021 12:06

@bombastical

and I’m afraid you bleat on about “best interest of the child” but your post clearly illustrates that you are only interested in best interests of your BF. You’ve had it cushy up until now. She’s entitled to move on and live her best life. Best interests of the kids doesn’t mean you and your BF getting your own way. Your BF can still do 50/50 but he’s going to have to make some adjustments, put in more legwork and make ore effort. He was lucky it was all in his doorstep up until now. The majority of people I know who have split, the woman moves away and it’s further than 45 minutes. You should be breathing a sigh of relief to be honest. One woman I know moved back to her hometown after the split which was 3 hours away. Nasty and expensive court battle. They ruled in her favour. Make the 45 minutes work. He can start work earlier one day and finish early and go pick them up. There’s no reason why he can’t travel to drop them off at school a couple of times a week or ask for longer weekends so he picks them up on a Thursday night and drops them to school on a Monday morning. He can also ask for more holiday time so have more full weeks to make up. There are 6 weeks summer hols. If he doesn’t want to try and work around then that’s not acceptable behaviour and he’s throwing a tantrum for his own benefit and laziness rather than “best interests of child” which is often trotted out by selfish men who are no longer just getting their own way.
Oh ffs.

Live her best life? That means kids seeing less of their dad and that’s just fine? If the dad moved away you’d be saying he’s a shit dad and fuck him, he can make all the effort. If it’s the mum moving, it’s still his job to mae it work and he’s also selfish and lazy??

Jesus, this place...

SeaToSki · 25/02/2021 12:07

What would your bf think about having the dc resident with him, staying in the same school and going to their Mum EOW and 1 night a week?

VimFuego101 · 25/02/2021 12:10

How old are the kids? They may not want to change school and prefer to stay with him.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 25/02/2021 12:12

If 45 minutes isn't a big deal why doesn't the mum have the kids eow and they can live with their dad?

Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 12:12

Yes I think bf would be happy with having the kids more than 50:50. But she has told him that she is now wanting to formalise childcare. When he suggested 50:50 she basically said over her dead body - you’ll have to take me to court to get that

OP posts:
Chloemol · 25/02/2021 12:12

Lots of people don’t seem to get it. He has 50/50 at the moment. Now you think eow and one night a week is ok? Why can’t fathers have more time, why is it accepted that eow and one night a week is acceptable

Op has he considered asking to be the primary parent? That’s what I would be doing if it means not having my kids 50/50

And if people don’t think 45mins is a long journey then they stay at school where they are , and one one week with the father and one with the mother and the mother can drive them to school and back as she is the one who wants to move and stop current access to the father

harknesswitch · 25/02/2021 12:12

My friend had this happen to him. He took it to court to try and stop her moving but the court sided with her. She moved about 45 mins away and the kids had to change schools. I felt so sorry for him as he now sees the dc eow, rather than 50/50 as it was. He even offered to become the resident parent so they could stay in the same school but she refused.

Ironically his ex is now always banging on about him not helping out enough, but he simply can't. He works an hours commute in the opposite direction, so to see them after work would mean an almost 3 hr drive. She's said to him to get a job closer which he's trying to do but she's made it clear that she wants him to continue to pay the same amount in child maint so he can't even take a lower paid job to see his dc more. Rock and hard place I'm afraid

Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 12:12

@angieloumc

Wow, she's not a step mum, nor has she said she is, she's their dad's girlfriend.
And your point is? How does this help the OP in any way?!
Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 12:13

@harknesswitch

My friend had this happen to him. He took it to court to try and stop her moving but the court sided with her. She moved about 45 mins away and the kids had to change schools. I felt so sorry for him as he now sees the dc eow, rather than 50/50 as it was. He even offered to become the resident parent so they could stay in the same school but she refused.

Ironically his ex is now always banging on about him not helping out enough, but he simply can't. He works an hours commute in the opposite direction, so to see them after work would mean an almost 3 hr drive. She's said to him to get a job closer which he's trying to do but she's made it clear that she wants him to continue to pay the same amount in child maint so he can't even take a lower paid job to see his dc more. Rock and hard place I'm afraid

Same. Suddenly now she has to homeschool she's trying to get us to have some of the week days again....!
justgivejack · 25/02/2021 12:14

@bombastical

I’m saying this as kindly as possible. Get over it. Legal advice? Are you serious? 45 minutes?!!! Most people I know (before Covid) commutes longer than that for work twice a day! People working in London (thousands of them) have longed train journeys every day. I’m afraid this is a non issue and the courts are going to laugh in his face. She’s entitled to a life and it’s not down to your BF to dictate where she lives as long as she’s not moving abroad. If she was trying to take them abroad then he’d have grounds for further action. Other than that. Meh. Non issue.

Seriously!!! Why should dad "get over it". He has his children 50/50 and mum has decided to move away and disrupt everything. Why should mum decide to change school, why should mum decide to move far away that dad can only see dc EOW. It should be an equal decision

mindutopia · 25/02/2021 12:15

Could they stay with your partner during the week (say 4 days) to facilitate staying in the same school and then she has them Fridays, weekends and holidays? If arrangements have been 50/50 so far, it doesn't seem fair to change that now if he is an involved dad.

Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 12:15

@bombastical

and I’m afraid you bleat on about “best interest of the child” but your post clearly illustrates that you are only interested in best interests of your BF. You’ve had it cushy up until now. She’s entitled to move on and live her best life. Best interests of the kids doesn’t mean you and your BF getting your own way. Your BF can still do 50/50 but he’s going to have to make some adjustments, put in more legwork and make ore effort. He was lucky it was all in his doorstep up until now. The majority of people I know who have split, the woman moves away and it’s further than 45 minutes. You should be breathing a sigh of relief to be honest. One woman I know moved back to her hometown after the split which was 3 hours away. Nasty and expensive court battle. They ruled in her favour. Make the 45 minutes work. He can start work earlier one day and finish early and go pick them up. There’s no reason why he can’t travel to drop them off at school a couple of times a week or ask for longer weekends so he picks them up on a Thursday night and drops them to school on a Monday morning. He can also ask for more holiday time so have more full weeks to make up. There are 6 weeks summer hols. If he doesn’t want to try and work around then that’s not acceptable behaviour and he’s throwing a tantrum for his own benefit and laziness rather than “best interests of child” which is often trotted out by selfish men who are no longer just getting their own way.
@bombastical what a load of utter shit.
Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 12:15

@Frazzled99 that sounds awful. I’m shocked. Scared I might have to prepare him for the same thing

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 25/02/2021 12:16

@toobusytothink

So he currently lives 5 mins away from ex (on same development). He stays with me when he doesn’t have the kids. He is staying where he is. We aren’t living together and have no plans to. Sorry if unclear. I was just trying to say that is why he doesn’t want to move to nearer ex’s boyfriend
Take to court. as they had 50/50 and he isn’t moving he should be having the kids full time to minimise disruption and she should see them EOW.
Ohdoleavemealone · 25/02/2021 12:19

How far away from their new scool would he be? If less than 30mins I would say suck it up and just change the arrangments so he has them Sun-tuesday or similar every week.

harknesswitch · 25/02/2021 12:19

@bombastical what an utter load of shite...

They have been parenting 50/50, why should one parent make the decision based on their wants. What about what's best for the dc? Surely seeing both parents equally and not being uprooted from school is in their best interests..