Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

I think your BF OP needs to go in with the realisation that actually a court is likely to allow her to move and the children to move school.

It seems at the moment she is saying I am moving and he is saying no you are not taking the children out of school. That is not a place for compromise AT ALL.

There is scope I think to come up with an agreement that he can live with including pushing for 50/50 holidays and a more likely 65/35 split during school times

She cannot change school without his permission. He has joint PR I’m assuming?

If the new bf's DC is coming up to secondary age then if new BF moved, woudl it mean that the DC could still attend the same feeder secondary?

If so, new BF should move.

But he won't will he because the DC's mum is perfectly prepared to put her DC second to please her new man!

They currently do 50/50 and I suspect a court would order that continues, so it is 100 per cent worth your BF pursuing this through the courts. Nor can they be moved to a new school without BF consent, so a real conversation needs to happen about what is in the best interests of the children. Perhaps it ends up that they stay at current school, she moves and her 50 % of time has to suck up the long school commute. This may make her re-consider and all come to a better solution for the children. For now, absolutely go to a solicitor who can first set out that your BF wishes 50/50 to continue and has concerns about a school move etc. Then maybe they can try mediation to avoid court and find the best solution for the kids.

I think the way separated families have to revolve around the mother in the UK is dreadful and needs to evolve. My husband went through situations like this with his ex wife as she moved to be with a new man and then moved again a few years later when it didn’t work - each time ripping my stepson out of a school at a crucial time without even mentioning it to my husband until it was all arranged. But the legal team he used said that courts would always favour the mother. My stepson asked if he could have another day with us and she wouldn’t let him. It’s just very sad that a good, committed dad can be treated as a second class parent.

As someone said, it would be much better for the children to live with their dad and stay at the same school, seeing their mum every other weekend and one night a week but I’ve only ever heard of one mother selfless enough to do that in real life. A lot of women think their children are theirs, like possessions.

No formal childcare arrangements at the moment. That’s the problem ...

@zafferana

It's because you're asking for a dad OP. If it was the dad moving the kids away from the mum you'd get very different answers. MN is like that!

@zafferana THIS. The court sides with the mother anyway. The justice system for fathers is beyond unfair and ancient. He has as much right and say in what those children do as her. Why don’t mothers get this?!

@toobusytothink
The courts granted my ex 50/50 because we had that previously but your Dp will need to figure out how that's going to work if they do change schools, I can't see that a judge would stop his ex moving 45mins away. Or is he planning on asking to be the RP?

If contact arrangements are already in place & the kids are used to seeing their dad 50% of the time there's every possibility the court might uphold that.

A friend of mine just got divorced last summer & contact is 50:50.

@Honeyroar I couldn’t have put this better myself. Fathers are treated Despicably

I can't believe some of the comments on here. So the fact that one has given birth to children means that you should have to put your own life on hold until the children have grown up because it might inconvenience the father? People move. For all sorts of reasons. And people also move on. The ex here has the right to move on and that doesn't always happen to conveniently happen with the next door neighbour. If the parents want to work this out, they can - but that should never involve telling one parent that they have no right to a life because they are still in thrall to the life the other one has chosen.

The courts granted my ex 50/50 because we had that previously but your Dp will need to figure out how that's going to work if they do change schools, I can't see that a judge would stop his ex moving 45mins away. Or is he planning on asking to be the RP?

Alternatively his ex needs to figure out how moving away would work if they don't change schools.

And there's nothing to stop DP going for RP.

@Moondust001

I can't believe some of the comments on here. So the fact that one has given birth to children means that you should have to put your own life on hold until the children have grown up because it might inconvenience the father? People move. For all sorts of reasons. And people also move on. The ex here has the right to move on and that doesn't always happen to conveniently happen with the next door neighbour. If the parents want to work this out, they can - but that should never involve telling one parent that they have no right to a life because they are still in thrall to the life the other one has chosen.

It's not the moving that's the problem though is it? It's the fact that after sharing 50/50 access she suddenly wants to cut this to every other weekend. How on earth is that fair?

Yeah, poor kids... I think now would be a really good time for dad to get his ex-MIL on side. I can't imagine she's very happy at them moving that distance.

For everyone saying 'it's not far..' it really is, especially if you've previously been only minutes away.

Think about how things have been recently.... minutes away and you can walk by your family's house and wave through the window, even at the most restricted times.

45 minutes and you're not even local for a quick walk together when that was allowed. It's always going to be a car journey or more than one bus ride away and that is massively different to being in walking distance.

At the moment the kids can probably easily walk between mum/dad and granny/aunts/uncles and all their friends. That's a huge support network to uproot them from, let alone throwing in a step-sibling, step-dad, new school, new home and seeing less of dad and other family.

I understand mum wanting the 'happily ever after' with her BF but 18 months is still the honeymoon phase really.

Do you think she would compromise and move to BFs alone and then come back to stay EOW with family so she can see the kids? Could she stay at your DPs on those weekends to start with (might not be appropriate, but some breakups are really amicable)? At least she'd know whether it's viable long term.

She might hate living with the new DP!! A lot of the time it's the same shit, different person once the first flush of love (being blind and all that) wears off 😂

This is why Mumsnet is so horrible sometimes!!

OP I am 100% with you. Eow and one night in the week is nothing like 50/50! You need to get legal help unfortunately though as you can't stop her informally. I have the same childcare agreement with my ex and I live in fear of him moving and saying he's taking DS. It's outdated, this mum should have kids and dad should be content to see them 5 times a month. Makes me so angry!!

Good luck OP

@toobusytothink

But it means he will only be able to see them EOW and one night a week. Aren’t decisions meant to be based on what’s in the best interests of the kids? She doesn’t even have majority care currently

It's only a 45 minute drive so it'd be possible to see them more often if the journey is the only issue, it's hardly a great distance. EOW is standard. She isn't moving to the other end of the country and your bf can't expect her to live within the same 45 minute drive all the time.

Besides which, he's your BF and not your DP/DH so why are you posting about what is nothing to do with you?

I presume the reason she is now saying no to 50:50 is for exactly the reason that she can then make the decision on schooling because then it would make more sense for them to go to school near her. I just don’t understand why she would move them away from their dad, school, her mum and sister and all their friends, to be closer to her bf of 18 months??? He never in a million years thought she would. He always said that she would never move away from her mum and she lives the school. So strange. And it annoys me that her bf is encouraging her and not telling her that she should be staying out for the next year or two at least

I can see both sides. Personally I’d always try my hardest to stay as close as possible to my DC father to maintain the relationship but it doesn’t always work that way. People have to move for lots of reasons and sometimes you just have to adapt to the circumstances.
As a child I was moved to the other side of the world away from my dad, brother and friends. It wasn’t great at the time but it was just something that had to be done. I was a 10 hour + plane ride away from my dad so 45 mins isn’t the end of the world I don’t think

Just some questions to help clarify;
The current informal arrangement is for 50:50? She wants to move uprooting support network and schooling arrangements and reducing contact with df? Df lives in the area of the school and support network? Does he want custody of the kids and to offer her the same deal? Not knowing the situation fully or responsibilities each parent has it seems currently equal- not so much a hands on dad as an equal primary cater so I’m confused as to why he is allowing to frame it in a way that she gets automatic custody without considering impact on children?

@Moondust001

I can't believe some of the comments on here. So the fact that one has given birth to children means that you should have to put your own life on hold until the children have grown up because it might inconvenience the father? People move. For all sorts of reasons. And people also move on. The ex here has the right to move on and that doesn't always happen to conveniently happen with the next door neighbour. If the parents want to work this out, they can - but that should never involve telling one parent that they have no right to a life because they are still in thrall to the life the other one has chosen.

jesus. can you not see the massive contradiction in that statement?

@Honeyroar

I think the way separated families have to revolve around the mother in the UK is dreadful and needs to evolve. My husband went through situations like this with his ex wife as she moved to be with a new man and then moved again a few years later when it didn’t work - each time ripping my stepson out of a school at a crucial time without even mentioning it to my husband until it was all arranged. But the legal team he used said that courts would always favour the mother. My stepson asked if he could have another day with us and she wouldn’t let him. It’s just very sad that a good, committed dad can be treated as a second class parent.

As someone said, it would be much better for the children to live with their dad and stay at the same school, seeing their mum every other weekend and one night a week but I’ve only ever heard of one mother selfless enough to do that in real life. A lot of women think their children are theirs, like possessions.

Totally agree. When I separated from my ex-husband, quite a number of people assumed I would move 'home' to where I'm from - taking the children of course - with no thought for their relationship with their Dad or indeed for his feelings. Equally, I think if you don't behave like your children are your possessions, demanding they are with you most of the time, controlling the dynamic and the relationship, I think some people think you are less of a mum or don't care as much as they would/do. It broke my heart to only be with my children 50% of the time but it was what their father wanted and they were happy enough too. I didn't think doing battle with him - when I knew he would be a good parent - would do any of us any good. This assumption that every mother operates with a pure heart and with her child's best interests at heart is very naive -for a legal system to still be based on it is ridiculous and far too simplistic

I think the main thing to point out here is the judge isn't going to give the dad custody. It won't happen. They also won't consider 45 minutes to be a big move and they will not ask the father's permission for something so small.

I think unfortunately the dad needs to move part of the way, and commute to work. So maybe move 20 minutes closer to where the kids will live, or nothing. The courts will not rule the mother can't move.

Haha I only call him my bf because when people call their “boyfriend” their dp people take offence. But we have been together 2 1/2 years and are 100% committed to a future together but just won’t move in together because we both want to put our kids first. Not sure why I’m justifying myself though ......

I wish people would stop thr hyperbole and dramatics. She isnt taking the children away from their dad and she isnt destroying their relationship he will still see them every single week. Maybe its a better area and nicer school. Its 45 minutes he cannot dictate where his ex lives in the country.

He's not. He's attempting to reach a compromise as to where his children live. His ex can choose to move if she wants to, but she cannot unilaterally decide that her children will be moving.

Are you honestly saying you can't see why it's unfair to the children to uproot their whole lives and reduce their time with their dad by almost half?

Would you be saying the same if dad had decided he was taking the kids and moving in with OP 45 minutes away?

@RyanBergarasTeeth

I wish people would stop thr hyperbole and dramatics. She isnt taking the children away from their dad and she isnt destroying their relationship he will still see them every single week. Maybe its a better area and nicer school. Its 45 minutes he cannot dictate where his ex lives in the country.

Would you say the same if he had made this decision then?

He has them 50/50 so could equally say he was moving in with OP, changing their schools and making it difficult for their mum to see them as much as currently. But I don't think anyone here would defend him doing that at all!